their whispers
are like
spells

When did it start, I wonder.
When did the black form in my stomach, in my soul?
Was I born with hatred in my bones?

Why am I the one unable to sheathe the darkness? They all grip the cool metal, but the knife’s edge was sharper for me.

I slip and fall and cut myself on the pleasurable blade of self-disgust over and over, unable to catch myself I grasp blindly into the darkness, reaching for the familiar shapes I’ve always known.
But they all are finding their own balance, ignorant of how I lost mine.


I hate yellow.

It hurts to be this empty.

It hurts to long this much.

All I ever needed from you

was a loving touch.

Maybe a smile

a laugh

kindness

But I was met with harsh words

and cold blue eyes.

~k.hem

we are all children of the ocean

she was born from the morning mist

he was from the clear caribbean

i was born from the storming sea

~k.hem

The books have lied.

They have stolen my heart

But left my body.



The books have lied.

They ripped my soul out

And left me to rot.



The books have lied.



~k.hem

The Nor'easter in my mind won't settle
The inside of my scalp is wind-burned
Every step is won in a never ending battle
Every breath stolen like a meter of ground

I bury myself a trench
trying to escape the clutches of Zephyrus
All four gods circle around me in a typhoon of noise
Eos's sons, vultures in my head

sweet, old friend,

        i worry i can’t save you

what are you trying to destroy?

~k.hem

a bed of sunlight beckons me
you wait there wanting,
an unknown lover craving
everything I cannot give,

family should not shame a young girl about her body

[CORRECTION]

family should never shame a child about their body

[CORRECTION]

no one should shame anyone about their body



i ******* disgust myself,

is it because i disgusted you all?

~k.hem

Grip the cord
Pull it taut
Wave at the passerby

They're all looking at you
Pull it taut
Wave

Don't forget to **** in
Breathing doesn't matter
Pull it taut

destroyer of myself.
My blood has become purgatory,
my lips a voiceless cry.
Is this hell?

alice,
would you send me butterflies tonight?
because i miss the doves.

there are days i forget your smile
i forget the way you said my name

i wish i hadn't cried the last time i saw you

I have never felt right,
writing this poem.
They keep saying
that I'm "strong".
I don't feel strong.
I feel...

like ripping off my skin
wouldn't be enough
that breaking my hands
couldn't help

I feel lost.
The lion has left me.

She’s the type of *****

That’ll break someone down

Just to see what they become

In the depths of desperation.

~k.hem

when did i first fall in love with you?

was it under the never ending skies in chicago?
in those cruel winter nights
where only you kept me warm.
or was it amidst the song of crickets and breeze?
in the summers of virginia
where even you would sing along.

Why do I always look down when I walk?

Afraid of looking ahead

Always wanting to turn back



There’s that urge again

to turn around

I’m looking down.

~k.hem

She was like chaos

a beautiful chaos

that danced in raging fire

   that sang in lightning’s wrath

      that embraced the looming night.

~k.hem

we are not shaped like apples or pears
we are not rotten or ripe
we are not fruits to be eaten
forbidden or otherwise

we are not yours

I don’t know how many nights

I’ve spent crying silently.

Not wanting to cry out.

Just hoping her soul

would see the darkness in mine.

And save me.

But all remained quiet.

Perhaps that’s why I went to fire for comfort.

She keeps staring at me
the girl with blue eyes
she keeps asking me
which one of us will die.

There’s something about flowers

That makes me smile

And my heart ache

~k.hem

hell is the static
hell is the dizziness
hell is the tightness in my throat

all i remember from faith is the begging

Sentence after sentence pours into my windstorm
A broken song, littered limbs of poems

I wonder when I’ll finally sleep
Without words floating over my head
A sword’s edge I crave
         Reaching out to slice my palms on
Some sweetness drips from the pain
        A watered down truth
        Veritas in my lips

there's an invisible rope around my throat,
a cord of coarse thread,
and if it were to ever leave me
i think i'd lose my head.

even the sun misses you

It's hard
having to explain
at your family's dinner table
why "that's gay" jokes
hurt your feelings.

It's even harder
when your brother says
he doesn't care,
and your mother shushes you
because your grandma's there.

“My dad was a mean drunk.” She whispered, eye set dead on the night sky. “I love him,” she paused, “but he was a mean drunk.”

From the side, he could only glimpse the torment in her eyes as she fought the demons on her mind.

~k.hem

I’ve stopped running.

I don’t know if that means I’ve found a reason to stay,

           or that I’ve just given up.

~k.hem

“Hello Love,” I whisper to the moon.

it’s back

i thought getting away from them

        would soothe my splintered soul

but that implanted hatred

        wrecks my mind



i disgust myself

There’s a darkness within me

A mass of black and hate

It burdens my mind

It weighs down my arms.



I feel it in my throat

I feel it coat my tongue

It’s grip on my lungs tighten

And my lips twist to harm.



~k.hem

She strode into hell
and dug her bleeding fingers
into its ash covered soil.

She paused, an almost smile flitted across her sorrow sunken face.
Her blonde hair reminded me of someone I used to know
Her blue eyes, while clouded, reminiscent of warmth.

She returned to her hymn, the mourning pitch rung in my ears.
"Do you sing for Beauty?"
"Do you sing for Truth?"

She never answered.

When you look at me
my voice runs away
stealing my breath