You can’t show up fully right now.
I believe you.
You open your heart
and give a dose of
what we could be
to keep me close
but you close it.
And I keep holding on
just like I’ve been
you shut me out
and **** me off it has me
crawling out my skin
You keep me close.
you can’t show up fully
and the only thing that's new is
is I believe you.
I'm always on my phone
I isolate 'till I'm alone
I'm feeling some regret
I feel the need to disconnect.
I had to urge to write a song
So I opened up my notes
And I'm typing on it now
Cause it's so hard to put it down.
I'm addicted to the screen
I'm always scrolling down the stream
It's really pretty sad
I'm feeling empty in my head
I've got the blue-light blues
It's just addicting as the *****
It's where I get my news
It's where I listen to new tunes
It's how I keep in-touch with friends
I haven't tried to see them in a bit
But I can't say I've even tried
Because it's easier to type.
At comfort knowing
We're an option
In the multiverse.
Hype beast, hype beast
He's wearing ***** Nikes
Daddy wasn't there
So he's not acting very nicely.
Its likely, likely his room is sure a mess
But he's feeling real clean
Cause it's all in how he dress.
***** pack across his chest
Ego real big
Man he feels like he's he best
But he's just a P.O.S.
And never any less
Cause it's all in how he dress.
"Give me that new season
I can't wait until it drop.
400 bucks so I can cop.
I want the most exclusive thing.
*****, my styles so supreme."
"Sole purpose to impress all these self-conscious depressed *******
And when I'm feeling threatened
I resort to molesting pretty misses."
Diluted street wear Nike s.b.
Whatchu' coppin' on this drop?
I rock hyped ****
Just so I can get the props
Got no self worth and it costed me a lot.
***** look at what I bought.
You're playing games.
While you were sleeping I heard you whisper someone else's name.
Now I'm creeping through your profile trying to find her page.
I love you so much
I thought we were past this silly stage.
Tell me, what do these others have that I can't offer?
Perfect hips, expansiveness?
You know my love for you is stronger.
If you can't keep up with me how are you going to keep up with someone else's humor?
with someone else's daughter?
If I'm "the one you were made for"
don't go searching
Just stop and try to learn me.
I want a relationship
Not a transaction.
I want more than just a fraction of you.
I want the best for you
I want success for you.
I want to block out every distraction just to be next to you.
I must have forgot to pick up the Living Handbook
when I came into this life.
You love then hide
like rise and tide.
protect your pride, just know I tried.
I think you forgot to let me know that you let me go.
last night was our first night on our new mattress, i should’ve got really good rest
but instead I was up until four something in the morning playing back everything that was said
you were sleeping soundly
I made sure to keep my distance
today as I made the bed I couldn’t stop thinking about how when we move out, you’ll be taking it with you
and eventually you’ll be sleeping on it with somebody new
i think I just wrote that into existence because, well Law of Attraction right?
but if that was real you would’ve realized I was the one for you and it was worth giving another try
but you’re lying to yourself and me in the process because you don’t know what you want and I’ve urged you to find that out
maybe I’m lying too, I’ve always thought it would be you and I and that love would be enough to keep us intertwined
but last night I also realized love might not be enough. and if it’s not it kind of shatters everything I thought about love. and I’ve heard that’s just what happens in your twenties now isn’t it? but it feels different living it.
Honestly expressing myself was never hard for me
but lately I’ve been constantly lost you see.
I’ve been stressing where I am and where I ought to be.
It’s got me changing opinion of what I thought of me.
My mind is rearranging and I’m shutting all the blinds
because sometimes it’s nice to be in the darkness of my own mind
It helps me harness all the rhymes that I have inside my soul
because when I’m silent
I’m usually just about to blow
I.E.D. hands shaking
I'm snipping the wires though
Time is ticking down
but I’m not letting go
It starts clicking and it’s almost down to five
what am I waiting for?
I really want to know.
Another voice says be patient you are just about to glow
I wish I had more trust
but the process is so **** slow.
It’s been a while since I wrote
It’s been a while since I felt like this.
I don’t know where it is going
but neither do you.
We’ll have a clearer view a little further down the road
we said we wouldn’t talk like this
but here we are dear.
I’m five days away
here we are dear.
If I could thank you with my body
I hope you know I would.
If I could promise you a future
I hope you know I would.
But we don’t know where that leads
I was lost in my sheets
And now I found me again and I am lost
I love you dear
and I mean that in simplest form
I’m an alcoholic
I tend to love things that are terrible for me.
I’ve felt as if I’ve needed you for so many years, you see
But I’ve been sober from the ***** for some time now
I think It’s time I get sober from you too.
It’s been sixty days since I kicked my addiction
I’m thinking why I loved him
and all the reasons I didn’t
I’m thinking about the seven years I spent by his side
and all the times I fantasized bout being his wife
I’m thinking about my dad
and if he’ll ever recover
thinking bout the relationship between him and my mother
I’m thinking about Neli
and if she’ll ever stop
but that’s another thought I should probably drop
only two months in
but I think I’m getting the hang of it
I’m thankful for this life
even if at times I truly hated it
but there’s nothing to complain about
I’m proud of myself
worked though every condition
weathered through the storms of any degree
I’ve been through hell and back anyone who knows me agrees
I don’t need to reminisce on all the hardships I faced
but I know I made it though, and I did it with grace
next mile stone I make is technically 90 days
but honestly I celebrate every single day
this is a blessing
and I don’t wanna mess it up
you won't see me poppin bottles
you won’t catch me in the club
my new idea of fun
is sitting down in that chair
and listening to whatever the elders have to share
for me there is no going back
I give what I can
cause it’s a fact, what you give you attract
I don’t have another relapse in my body
cause if I do I’ll be dead
so like I said imma give it everything that I can
this life’s a blessing
and you cant shake away my faith
you can try but I am impermeable to the hate
they say it only gets better
so I’m patient and I wait
I don’t make split decisions
I run it by my sponsor cause I still have blurry vision...
and she treats me like a daughter.
crawled my way through my hell and came out whole lot stronger.
This is from when I was two months sober, I’m over a year now.
I have too many photos of you and I on my phone
they keep on popping up so much now that you’re gone
I just delete them
I don’t wanna see em anymore.
When I open up a page I no longer see your face
but it doesn’t change a thing for me
because I can’t delete our memories
I need to burn some sage just to balance out my energies
So when I miss you I’ll try to remember all of the pain
and when I see you face to face I’ll just look the other way
I still have your jackets
even through your not my guy
I throw it on before I leave
cause it’s getting cold outside
I won’t say you didn’t
deep down I know you tried
but when i tried to get to know you
you recoiled and you’d hide
I don’t wanna play the fool
so I had to let you go
I really wanted me and you
but you never let us grow
I’ll try not to take it personal
and try to be discernible
and dead it like it burnable but ******* are incredible
I really like your effort
you were an expert at keeping me around
always searching for a love i that found within myself
we don’t talk much anymore but thank you for the help
thank you for the growth
and thank you for the hell
thank you for the hell
I couldn’t do it without you
but now I’m learning to I’m always wishing you the best
and I hope that you progress
cause I couldn't change you
and I shouldn’t want to
but I can’t help but think
we could have avoided all of this pain
but I see you’re still the same
as you were when I met you
Would I do it?
It’s been a while since I felt this heavy.
Day to day I feel okay
but sometimes it just hits me.
I have all the time that I could ask for
and I waste it every day.
I have ambitions, goals and dreams so lovely
I’ve got thoughts I can’t convey.
Sometimes I wish the universe would guide me, or decide its good without me
I often doubt me
I could have done so much
but I play victim to the past.
Someone teach me how to get past it
I don’t want these burdens to last .
The bags under my eyes are deeper
when I try to cry I can’t
My heart and head are unaligned
no tears to shed
I hope you hear this once it’s over
just like us when I got sober
back when all you did was react
and you wouldn’t face the facts
but you couldn’t understand
what I was going through back then
and every time I would explain
you would run the other way
every time you turned to leave
I was begging you to stay
always praying just to hear
something you would never say
tried to drink away the pain
but it all remained the same
I had to shed a lot of shame
I held on to everything
you thought addiction was a game
and I was choosing to play
didn’t see me try to stop every single ******* day?
do you think It was fun for me living that way?
waste away my life
you really want that in a wife?
I’m sorry I had to leave
your lifestyle wasn’t for me
or maybe it’s that I was
but you don’t know what does
to someone who’s so ****** up
they won’t stop when they should
so they keep on steady drinking
just to drown what they are thinking
cause they feel misunderstood
I’m so glad you’ll never get it
I’m so glad you’re not an addict
but if you were bet you’d understand
everything that done happened
and why I was so attached
why I never let you leave
I was so afraid you were planning to up
and just abandon me
but now I’ve got a clearer vision
cause I listen to my sponsor
and I finally made the decision
I waited, because of love.
I suffered, because of love.
I put my needs after yours, because of love.
I tried and tried and tried because of love.
but tonight I learned that love is not enough.
I feel like I wasted the past seven years and it ended too soon.
I turned down many a good guy and girls to be with you
I waited and fought through lonliness hoping one day you’d realize we were worth it all
but loves a gamble right?
we spend the night on our brand new bed tonight.
It's habitual, your love is like a ritual
often feeling unrequited
my love is so one sided
can't say I ever minded though cause at the end of the day once you've hit the hay and gone to sleep, I lay up reminded to really love myself deep because nobody can keep myself like me
and no one will love you true quite like you
What wanders above?
Could it be we are in many, many other universes?
I can't believe I made it out the cabin
man I thought that'd never happen
only four months but I payed for it
worst part, I got ***** in it
but thats some stuff most can't handle to hear it rough but that could be your little girl
but you won't catch me playing victim
cause theres no justice in the system
I'll turn my "L" into wisdom and throw it on a rhythm
I tend to get rowdy so tell your men to watch their mouth when they're around me
Lord melt away my sins, I know I'm better than this
I'm bigger than the bottle but my addiction is awful
help me model your love and marvel in your glory sent from above.
I should be searching for you instead of turning to *****
If I'm not writing or rapping I'm losing my mind in my room
I'm fighting demons that aren't even mine
Proverbs 31 while pouring some wine, I see why they call it spirits
I never had expensive taste. That explains why I'd get wasted off of you until I woke up to a hangover
every time I said we're over I'd drink you down again and every time we would split I would try to be your friend. that solidified my addiction, I mean that in every sense. it explains how now that I am sober we are over.
You remind me of a mistake I once made
You remind me of an ache I still crave
I'll try to tame my imagination, but I think you've dreamt about it too.
My motives might be selfish
these nightmares are more like dreams
as my day continues further I'm noticing a common theme
so even with my eyes shut the thought of you never leaves
the thought of you always pops up and when it does I am relieved.
Its been sixty days since I kicked my addiction
I'm thinking why I loved him, I'm thinking about why I didn't
I'm thinking about the seven years I spent by his side, and all the times I fantasized about being his wife
I'm thinking about my dad and if he'll ever recover
I'm thinking bout the relationship between him and my mother
I'm thinking about Neli, and if she'll ever stop
but thats another thought I should probably drop
Only two months in but I feel I'm getting the hang of it
I'm grateful for this life even if at times I truly hated it
but theres nothing to complain about I'm proud of myself
I redefined perseverance and worked through every condition
weathered through the storms of any degree
I've been through hell and back anyone who knows me agrees
I don't need to reminisce on all the hardships I faced
I know I made it through and I did it with grace
next milestone I make is technically ninety days but honestly I celebrate every single day
this is a blessing, and I don't wanna mess it up
you won't catch me popping bottles
you want catch me in the club
my new idea of fun is sitting down in that chair and listening to what my elders have to share
for me there is no going back, I give what I can
cause its a fact, what you give you attract
I don't have another relapse in my body cause if I do I'll be dead
so like I said I'm gonna give it everything that I can
this life's a blessing
and you can't shake away my faith, you can try but I am impermeable to the hate
they say it only gets better, so I'm patient and I wait
I don't make split decisions
I run it by my sponsor cause I still have blurry vision
and she treats me like a daughter
crawled my way through hell and came out a whole lot stronger
Words like "It's okay" and "I'll understand for you"are flooding from your heart to my gut but keep getting lodged in my throat.
Like words that sound similar to "I love you" resonate like "I'm sorry"
Your spinning eyes
Dizzy in a crowd so full of life.
My feet stumbling
Legs follow you toward a door.
Stepping into Last Word Book Store.
He told me his favorite part of summer was my hair dancing circles on his face.
He loved to gather all three feet of my locks in his hand and raise it up to toast the wind; each strand ricocheting off invisible corners of the air.
He never minded getting his fingers caught in tangles.
Twice I let him cut the elastic binding of my hair tie
just to see it all fall down my body.
I stood calm and sober starring into an unfamiliar bathroom mirror as I made his favorite part of summer fall into piles around my feet.
I know it's only my mind contouring his mouth into a smile and when I turn to walk away the velcro on his lips part; words like a choke-chain. But he has lyrics that remind him of somebody else etched into his hands, and she'll always be part of the plan.
He hums her song into my throat and we both pretend I don't understand.
I miss him most when he is here, when he is close enough I could reach out and touch him. But only in places that are becoming routine. I reminisce back to a time when he would handle me like glass, when he'd run his fingers though my unwashed hair while I pretended to sleep.
Our first embrace.
When we kissed on the end of my bed, his skin slippery with angst.
My clothes wrinkled, synched tight around my waist getting caught between myself and the covers.
We were two brand new tension filled lovers.
An abandon wear-house rooftop
- A story about your past
- A change unnoticed
- A change expected last
- A fortress of blankets
- A pen-cap game
- A vicious cycle, luring
- A brand new name
- A night in my living room
- A night on the town
- A tea *** simmering, but nothing simmering down
You read about my life in words you never hear.
Everything seems familiar but it's something you always feared.
His kiss isn't the same, his touch sparks a different match.
Who am I to compare the flame when its something we never had?
Its like re-watching a play and the main character has been replaced by an actor much less passionate, going places you never faced.
I like your body in the daytime
silhouette at my door
I like your body at night time memorizing it's anatomy on my floor.
I like your body in the morning, holding my hips as I gaze down at your face.
I like your body
I'll fall in like with your body while you make more than my breath race.
I'll be in love with your body while mine lay sore.
You only like my body when asking for more.
From what metaphoric spark
Is one another possible?
Guilt attached inexorably to me
I have it all wrong
I just picture him
Not too long ago you were only an idea in my head
Now here you are. Arms impatient, eyes red, slithering through my bed.
I've lost interest in starring at your face, each time I look your eyes are wandering
In the morning I can tell you're wondering what I'm thinking
but not curious enough to ask.
I get tired of waiting; anticipating your curiosity
A spark of interest in my mind
you close your hands and heart but our bodies stay intertwined
The freedom in your veins was too much for you to stop but the monitor beside your bed had no problem coming to a halt
It was 5:42
I was holding what was left of you, but I held too tight and that seemed to be the issue from the start.
Why do I believe you
Every time you say
Be there soon
When we both know you'll show up after midnight
And leave before noon.
Even with your fingers twisted around my neck I'm convinced everything's alright. You forget to water my flowers,
and my ears never meet the words I want to hear.
Instead these pretty little things fill their place.
While your sand paper hands slither down my back
I kiss your face.
Wait, I'm not.
upon my floor
your chocolate eyes
a dangerous lure
my perfect prince
your pretty *****
cut my ties
a sore reminder
I'm no other guys
It would be easy to give you all I have,
I know you'd give me what you could.
But there will always be something inside of you, that I never quite understood.
You can par with who you were
and I'll only see who you are.
I won't judge you for what you did
If you won't judge me for what I'll do.
She's been trying for days
backspace, erase; can't find any ways
Its the kisses he gave before their lips met
has her caught in a daze, thoughts stuck in a net
But who can expect
the other not to dissect the moments during, the minutes after,
the hours proceeding a kiss?
From prologue to epilogue is to reminisce of bliss.
"How long do you think it'll take us to admit this?"
She questioned herself silently
Head rising and falling with his chest.
He thought to himself while stroking her hair and shoulder.
If he dare assume once more that he knows how my mind works
I will hold him up by the neck
And if he dare pick up his pencil and try to map out my brain
I will break it and remind him he is nothing but a speck
You should leave, but I'll ask you to stay
and you will.
Please don't ask me to go out tonight
Not because I am lazy
But because I cannot stand the thought of the moments between conversation
Where my mind will be stacking thoughts like Jenga.