you stopped loving yourself when they started loving you

it was the moment all the people around you opened their eyes
that you decided to keep them close, you kept pretending, you kept hope

Jersey just got colder when you packed your bags and left me for dead
I was crying in the hallway begging you to spend another day with me
but you said you never wanted to see my blue eyes again, and you went

it was like the world stopped turning that second you looked at me
the people on earth stopped breathing at that moment you said goodbye

my heart couldn't stop screaming, my lungs were getting out of air
talking is cheap and your talks were expensive, I had to pay it all..

you always wore a necklace with my name on it, you always were happy
I took away that smile when I came into your life, like the dark night sky

a day after the day you left, my life felt miserable yet wonderful

I could hear the broken kids whispering my name while riding my bike
they would call me things like hopeless and sad, cruel and ugly

but he never seemed to care about the whispers,
because I didn't loved him anyway.

dear diary,

I know I havent wrote to you for a long time
but you have to understand a lot happened in my life

sometimes I feel bad because I know some people have it worse
but does that mean I can't feel like a worthless *******?

to be honest I don't know what to think or feel anymore
maybe I stopped writing because I felt like I was annoying
if I am annoying I'm sorry

last week I made a new friend, his name is Delorian
the truth is he doen't exist I made him up, but I act like he does, breath
just to feel less lonely, I need someone to be an outcast just like me
I can see and feel him though

does that make me weird?

last night I had a dream about him, he was very nice to me

thanks for listening, as always

I was a mess and you just walked away, leaving me for nothing
I still could write a thousand stories about that one night, you left

without your tears I don't have inspiration to write like this
because I know you cried too when I said my last goodbye..

and when she was alone in her room with all the lights out
she started to believe that all the good was happening somewhere else

the angels were done saving you when you stopped singing your prayers
god still loved you, he loves everyone but you were something special
she could not be saved anymore, it was done, she was gone, dark, out

her nails were painted black, her eyes were painted black
the color in her life was fading away, the color left when you did

now she's wearing a smile that nobody believes in

you need to learn when the party is over little girl, put the bottle away.
save your tragic stories for somebody who cares because he doesn't

we never were friends because we never tried to be friends.
it is really not that bad, I hope this makes you sad.

im laying on your bed, still wearing your used sweater
singing songs again and loving my life like I did before I met you

the storm was over and I could go back to that one place I loved most
the ocean was waiting for me, I could feel the wind in my face

my hair never grow long again and my legs never got skinny
and I was okay with that, I was okay with myself, everything was okay

the drugs did its job last night, you kissed me on the dance floor
and you always thought my jokes were serious and you always loved me

the alcohol did its job last night, you walked me home after all
and you always smiled at me and you always loved me for who I was

but still one day you stopped sending me flowers, you needed space
either you want me or you don't, I need to know about our future

I can't read you like I can read the stars in the sky, the rain, the sun
my heart knows when I should walk away, that moment is now.

Im done feeling like a stranger to myself.

I can drown myself in new music and relive my memories
sometimes I write a lot and sometimes I need to get away

you thought you got away with ****** but everything was on tape
it was like painting numbers on a white pale wall, something clean

humans don't go look for danger, danger will find them where needed
you never waited for me to get my **** together, you said you hated me

it were the bad things I only could remember about you, all the bad

and all the lonely boys fell for the girl who was now a thing called pretty
and all the popular boys didn't fell for the same girl back in those days

Mondays always came with rain and Friday always left with a smile
the moments you lived for were minimal, it were only the weekends

I remember how lonely you felt, missing the people around you
the voices in your head became your new home, they were your friends
sometimes they come back, just to say a simple hello...

it was all about living for someone that never take a breath for you.

you just write about *** and killing yourself, taking drugs and alcohol
and how hardly you ever went to school, how your soul felt like dying

she fell in love with all the badboys and died having her heart broken
it wasn't easy living for another person, someone who didn't even care
my dreams weren't about you when I was dreaming, I found my peace

she wrote about all the bad things and how she fell in love with you
the way she felt when she first saw you and what sort of music was on
it was the time of old rock songs and soul music from the deep oceans

and maybe I should write more poems about the way I see this girl
how beautiful she is and how much I love her, how much she means..

you were laughing because you loved your life and everyone in it
I was crying because I hated my life and every single human in it

but still you were the one who kept me breathing, wanted to live

she had blue hair like the skies an open mind and hell black converse
she walked the streets like they were hers, she was the queen of dark

even the creatures that were hidden in the forest were afraid of this
the saddness always came in waves not in oceans this was a new thing

and even after a while you say you still love me, you are still in love
after everything I said to you and the tears you have cried, you still
it is hard for me to say I even missed or thought about you, I didn't

love was never easy and you didn't understand the game I was playing

you drowned yourself in XTC because you wanted to stay alive
at night time your veins were filled with whiskey instead of red blood
it were your so called friends that pushed you into doing this dumb ****

you were afraid of the people around you so she pushed them all away
she locked herself in her room listening to her own voice falling appart
until this girl was big enough she had to deal with this every single day
never she had seen the sea and it's beautiful reckless waves, the birds..

and maybe I shouldn't have cried tonight, shouldn't have hurt myself
found sadness and luck in other things than humans or humans...
your younger years have impact on your future but don't let them rule..

it were the nights we had too much to drink and we spilled our secrets
it were the days we cried our eyes out, hoping for someone who cared
we needed a reason to keep breathing, a less broken soul than ours
someone who could build us up, show us the stars in the rare universe

and I learned that day that broken people do laugh at funny stories
and that happy people do cry over all the sad things that happen in life

the world was falling appart that night and the demons were crying
the visions were playing in my head and there was no way back..

she was a cold hearted killer..

I think the writer in me died when I wrote this poem
gravity pulled me in, the galaxy was screaming my name
the stars were craving for my sparkle to shine next to them

my life was like a puzzle and there were so many pieces missing
in the search to find all of those pieces I didnt only lose soulmates..
I also lost the most valueable thing a human could have.. I lost myself..

I started to make a home out of all the places I have bin, empty places
the world was crumbling and I needed to get away from here, soon

but you always were the one who was keeping me here, save and calm
this human was the reason of my breathing the reason my heart beated
it was not right to live like this, it was wrong to live like this, wrong

and I never was a person who would wait for the storm to pass
I loved dancing in the rain with my demons right beside me..

the passion for painting faded just  like your picture was fading ..

little do her parents know they lost their daughter years ago

in her sadness she started having nightmares, cruel thoughts
and confusing them with dreams, everything looked so real

maybe it were the pills she never dared to take or the liquor she drank
the constant need of hiding the fear of being left alone again like always
winter was coming and so was the depression, it scared her to death

everybody's got their demons either wide awake or dreaming
and somethings just need to be mine and mine only..
I always loved to have secrets little things, big things, mysterious things

but with you I felt like I could share anything, the small things, huge
hysterical laughter, feeling miserable and crying like somebody died

if I had the choice to **** myself tonight without hurting you..
I would probably have pulled the trigger a long time ago my darling

and let's be honest it isn't you that keeps me alive, it never was you..
you can't live for another human you have to live because you want too

and maybe I didn't die that night because god wanted me to have this
these memories, the tears and joy, the experience of growing up..

I always was his work of art

some people think math is beautiful because it's the same in every country
I am not one of those people, the people who see beauty in everything

and I dont needed math to count the days since you have left me..
it were 129 days.. 3096 hours.. 23 minutes and 31 seconds.. since you left
maybe the nigths were harder since you've bin gone, longer and sadder

I wanted to go with you but you never allowed me, he needed his space
I don't believe in 'space' if you love someone you want that person near
he never found that necessary, he never found me necessary

but don't you feel sad for me please, after a while the pain faded away
I learned to deal with the fact he was better of without me..

the picture of his face just wouldnt leave my mind
and the need of wanting the chase him grow everyday..

I waited for days, months, I would wait for years, hours and minutes

waking up every morning still wearing his Iron maiden shirt..
only because I don't want him to leave my life, not for real, imagine

this boy was like a hero from the movies, a prince from the fairytales
a beautiful human being, so different, a melody that kept following me..
he always gave me the feeling of belonging of being worth existing
when I was with him the world was a bit more beautiful

that feeling when you dont even know what the ******* are feeling

I had that, always, whenever I was with him.