This struggle inside me
How it tears at my soul
Pulling me towards her
Like screams from a sword

While he stubbornly digs in
Always ready for a fight
Showing off her insecurities
With a masculine delight

But when they both collapse
Exhausted from the fight
A magical moment happens
And harmony resides

Her essence feels so strong
And it quickly flows within
But soon he will be back again
And another struggle will begin

by Lj Mark 2015

I'm so self aware now.
No hiding anymore.
No more pretending to be someone I'm not.
I'm free.
Floating through racks of once forbidden clothes in every color of the rainbow.
Touching lace and chiffons with tears from years of it being taboo to even look.
I used to want to so bad.
Browsing women's shoes with sparkles in my eyes.
I know my size now.
Just knowing makes me giddy.
No more looking over my shoulder in case someone sees me.
Look at me now.
I'm completely self aware.
I'm free.
I'm me.
I'm who I'm supposed to be.

by Lj Mark 2015

Isn't it funny the times that we share
Whether out in the world or from a favorite chair
No matter if we're talking face to face
Or with computer in lap chatting in cyberspace

Friendships become families that we choose ourselves
Often better and deeper than those in our house
They love and console our every pain
Accept us regardless of age, gender or name

Don't let a day pass
you don't tell them it's true
That they make your life special
And that I love you

by Lj Mark

Someone asked me the other day
Could I ever date a Transgender girl
I think they expected a No, or Maybe
But a different answer popped out of my mouth
A special friend came to mind
A secret love I have
but mine alone, as she speaks only French
She is transgender, and date her I would
I dream of her nightly
dreams I can't put into words
We trans people speak of masks
Of who we tried to be before
Lying, acting, pretending to be male
With the woman we have always been
Hidden behind masks, confined to a closet

But I know for some it is also a mask
The attempts to look female and pass
To hide the body we hate
To be more the woman that we imagine us to be
But isn't that also a mask
The clothes and makeup, lipstick and wigs
Trying to make our bodies
Match who we are in our minds

This secret love I have, the intimate dreams
I want to take off all the masks
The wigs the makeup the clothes and shoes
I want to be with the person beneath all of the masks
That's who I dream of holding, that's who I long to love

by Lj Mark

I thought I was male
But wearing that mask
took all my strength
And the knots in my chest got too tight

Dysphoria was literally killing me
Not relating to men got too much
Relating with women got too attractive
And impossible to keep passing up

There could really be only one answer
It shouldn't have been hard to see
I had to break free from my prison cell
I had to reveal the true me

And in these two years of growing
Becoming who I've always been
I've experienced so many wondrous things
And delight in them again and again

From makeup to jewelry
To perfumes and shoes
A thousand shades of polish
And clothes from pink to blue

I now sleep like a baby
Happily innocent and free
There's no more stress or pressure inside
Just a beautiful woman that's me

Lj Mark 2015

The girl I wish I was
Is fighting to escape
This body slowly wilts
It's masculinity fades

My female mind is strong
It's intuition seldom wrong
But it's fighting what's below
My male body won't let go

Each day brings me closer
To the person I know I am
One day soon you'll see
The woman I was made to be

by Lj Mark

I wonder what's on the other side
Is Leelah in a place she no longer must hide
Will there some day be room there left for me
A place I can shine and be totally free

To those who try to hold us down
And keep us from wearing our own unique crown
Shame on you for the pain you bring
To the struggling souls whose only wish is to sing

Lj Mark 2015

6 months at sea, on a cold cargo ship..
2000 containers, stacked as even as the dishes in grandma's cupboards..
Checking the lines, tightening the bolts that the sea slowly loosens..

At the days end, bunk time, a precious 12 hours till next shift..
Plugging a laptop into an old jack in my bunk..
Only 3 text emails a day, routed through the sat-link on the bridge..

I check the local listings in Miami, hoping to find an email friend for the voyage..
I notice the name Jamie on the local listings, I knew a Jamie once, a girl from school years past..

I type hello, pleasantries enclosed, hoping for a reply..
The next day a reply, small talk, Jamie's sweet..
She isn't the same Jamie I knew, but we connect and keep writing each day..
Jamie and I get close, writing long emails, few secrets kept..

5 1/2 months pass, Jamie fills my mind each day..
Only 2 weeks until i come home, counting hours now..
I email Jamie, let's meet when I get home..
The screen goes blank, Jamie doesn't reply to my message..
3 days, nothing..
What did I say, what went wrong, why..

Saturday an email waits, it's her..
I'm sorry, I've been so sad this week..
I've let you think something about me that isn't true..
I lied, and I won't be able to hide it if you ever saw me..
And… Well… I love you… And I selfishly led you on..

I'm in the dark I said, I don't understand at all..
I don't care what you look like, how did you lie..
Jamie hesitates.. 5 minutes pass..
Because I'm a guy, not a girl like you thought..
My name sounds female, but is a guy's name too..
It just happened, then it was too late to tell you, we got so close so fast, you would have stopped writing..

Are you serious.. What, you're gay..
Yes…
I slam closed the laptop..
3 days pass, we arrive home tomorrow..
I'm calm now, I thought things through..
I email Jamie one last time..

I'm still upset, but I guess I understand now..
When I get home tomorrow we all leave the back of the ship, walk the block away to the parking lot..
You can sit in the park by where we walk past, if you want to see what I looked like..
But I have no words, I'm still so confused..
I just want to go home..
So tired..

We dock at 7am and all head down the walkway to the parking lot and our cars and taxis await..
Feeling so sad, my head looking down counting cracks in the sidewalk, to keep from crying..

I notice a guy standing alone away from the walk just watching everyone leave the ship and walk past..
I glance a second time, he's still looking toward the ship..
His face is red, with tears, I know it's him..
He never saw me walk past..

I stop, turn and look towards him..
He sees me, and somehow knows it's me to..
From the distance between us I see him mouth the words, I'm sorry..
I silently say, I know..

I drop my bags to the ground..
Walk up to him and we hug, sobbing for a long time..
Let's go home I whisper..
But you're not Gay..
It doesn't matter I say..
When it comes to my heart, I don't care..

by Lj Mark 2015

That year was so cold
As cold as that winter that wouldn't end
All I remember about that year
Was how little I fit in anywhere
How I connected with no one
How I sat alone at school
While in a room with 40 others

I lost count of how many hours I spent
Alone in my parents cold garage
Sitting in my car that needed a new motor
Watching the snow fall from the window
And the breath rise from my mouth

All the times I sat staring at a handful of pills
Too broken to go on, but too scared to sign out
Caught in endless torment, with no future in sight
Half of me not caring anymore
Half wanting so bad to hold on

I never imagined I'd survive that year
Or the next, then 5, and 10
Or have the life that I have today
But I am evidence that all of it's true

And giving up too early in life
Is like throwing your cards down too soon
You just might be holding a king or a queen
But it might take you more time to know

by Lj Mark

Drawstring linen pants,
Unisex from a women's catalogue.
Dark green shirt, tomboy approved.
Enough makeup to hide my faults.
Pink heart earrings, and a silver cross in the 3rd hole.
A silver cross, trans emblem and a silver heart engraved Laura, my true identity, together on a black bead chain.
Silver Lesbian insignia ring with my wedding band on top.
A black 1st finger ring etched with the Lord's prayer.
2 bracelets, one orange one turquoise to match a turquoise hat and dark glasses.
A couple of mists of Acqua di Gioia.
Women's turquoise/orange runners,
And a Victoria's secret backpack.

I didn't really think about the details until evening,
All I knew is I felt comfortable today.
I even went to Kohl's department store alone and browsed, and felt a confidence I'd rarely felt in the past.

Is this how some people feel every day I wonder?
I was so grateful for just today, just one day.
Today I was me

by Lj Mark 2015

Some of you sisters are so tired right now
Tired of fighting, tired of feeling you're loosing
Tired of working in an atmosphere of disrespect
Tired of feeling alone with no one to make things better

Whether trans, genderfluid, non binary or cis
Everyone seems to be struggling right now
And I'm also feeling it with struggles of my own
Like dark clouds rolling in before a big storm

But I want you to know that I'm thinking of you
Even though my words shared in private are few
My heart and soul is crying for us all
And wishing I could do more to bring sunshine to you

Just know that I love you, and wish we were close
In the same city at least, where I could help most
But even though I can't, and live far away
My thoughts and prayers are with you each and every day

by Lj Mark

I wish more than anything I was 20 again
And knew I was trans and could relive life then
what times I would have, adventures galore
My name would be Laura who all would adore

Long blonde hair, blue eyes and thin
A sweet smile, curvy hips and the softest of skin
Short dresses, high heels and smelling of rose
Red lipstick eye shadow and nails made to glow

A Lesbian I'd be, that much is sure
I love pretty ladies all lovely and pure
I'd work at Sephora selling makeup and Scents
My passions all realized plus money for rent

But now it grows late, and I'm falling asleep
With perfume on my pillow to make my dreams sweet
Even though when I wake it'll all been a dream
I know I'm still Laura no matter what life brings

by Lj Mark 2015

Remember those old sitcoms
Some of us grew up with
How they used to make us laugh
When life for some seemed so carefree

All in the family, Barney Miller, the Jeffersons
Those were what showed for me after school
And I got used to them and the stories they told
Creating a mindset in me that lasted decades

But understanding life better today
My views have changed
And my heart has softened
It saddened me wondering how I'd have felt
If I was gay and had to watch those shows

The bigotry was so blatant and cruel
The words, the treatment, the ridicule
I watched the disrespect so open in the 70s
And felt so sad for my gay friends who endured it

I cry for you all now
How that all must have hurt
Breaking your spirit just turning on a TV
And not knowing if your feelings would be crushed

Today many of my friends are gay
I recently came out as trans
And I find myself deep within the LGBT community
In heart and mind, body and soul

Life is a road with so many turns
And the point of this is
That what we thought we knew about ourselves yesterday
Often leads us to a life today so different we never would have imagined it

Let go the ugliness of the past
And embrace the beauty and wonder of today
Get to know anyone you don't understand
And love and care for them, and you'll see inside we're all the same

by Lj Mark 2015

You take that usual last deep breath
One last look in the mirror
And lock the door behind you
Headed for the train going downtown

Reminding yourself that Mondays are not that bad
The train stops and you walk down the sidewalk
Avoiding people when possible
Pretending to be listening to music when it's not

From behind you to the left
A cat call and laughter
Slurs are heard
It's all a joke

But your heart sinks
Your hands tremble
Your eyes begin to tear
Your spirit sinks to the ground

It's just another day
Like so many before
That end with crying into a pillow
Wishing this breath was your last

Lj Mark 2015

At first you feel you're really free
Showing off the real you for all to see
Step back world because here you come
Head held high, let's have some fun.

Then slowly those friends who wished you well
Didn't notice or see you when you fell
You search for others but no such luck
You start feeling alone and things begin to ****

It gets harder to go out and face the world
Your life slows down from that initial swirl
All those places you longed to roam
Are lost in the reality that it's easier to stay home

Your world gets smaller each time you stay home
Smaller............
........smaller.....
.............smalle­r
Until it and you are all but gone

It seems like an eternity, but was just a year ago.
I could have gotten in trouble with my wife,
For my pillow smelling like perfume.
But now she expects it each night.

She might have left me in fury last year,
For finding women's jewelry on our nightstand,
Or a smear of makeup near my mouth.
But now she expects that to, ever gives me a wink.

If you haven't guessed, she's quite the gal,
She doesn't just allow me these things,
Things that could cause fights and divorce for some,
But encourages me, even suggests new things.

These things I do might seem a bit strange,
But she actually loves me more than before.
Because when I came out as trans,
I became so much more complete for her.

by Lj Mark

Do you know how it feels to be free
To wake up and be able to live
The life you have always had visions of
Is now yours to live just like you dreamed

You can look any way that you want to
Be as beautiful as you imagined you could be
Wear colors and styles once forbidden
But now waiting for you to slip in

You can look in the mirror and smile now
For you truly fit into your skin
It's as though a light shines all around you
All because you chose not to fit in.

by Lj Mark 2015

I'm tired.
I'm tired of it taking more mental energy
and self confidence for us to go out in public,
than it does most people.
I don't blame a person, or religion,
its much more than that.
I blame society in general, its peer pressure,
It's structure designed to keep everyone
in small boxes, all thinking the same.
I blame manufacturer's for making every item
we buy gendered male or female,
Just to sell more and make more money.
I blame the media for its lies and ignorance
when reporting about us..
And I blame us is some ways for allowing it.
I blame myself for not doing more,
but I'm just too tired of fighting, struggling
and having to do it all again tomorrow.
I'm Transgender.. And I get tired.

by Lj Mark 2015

I used to think I was all alone
in feeling the way I do
I went through life wondering
if there were others to

Now I know I'm not alone
and I can be myself
And friends are always here for me
in case I need some help

I wouldn't be here without you
My lovely transgender friends
I'd still be lost and hiding
In my closet until the end

Lj Mark 2015

My friends are being murdered
Almost every week
I don't know what to do
Some nights I barely sleep

Should we all move in together
Just so we are safe
Be there to protect each other
Before it becomes too late

©Lj Mark 2015

Do you know how it feels
To get dressed up only to be ignored when you arrive
Do you know what it's like
To have eyes rolled at you,
and ***** whispers overheard
Do you know how it feels
To walk faster down the street
To escape the filthy names and laughs
Can you imagine the way that ruins your day
Breaks your spirit, robs you of your joy
I know how that feels
Like a pain that won't go away
Numbing, overwhelming, a pain that makes you cry
You reach out to anyone, anyone who will listen
And pour out your heart, as if that will make it better
And you go to sleep, cover your head, cover your eyes
And sometimes the pain makes you give in and die
How much can we each take
Each of us has a limit
Of the pain others cause us
Just because we're living

©Lj Mark 2015

How can they tell you who to love
Or whether you can marry or not
They say it's God that's telling them this
That it's him who judges you

But God made you like this
From the day you were born
To feel what you feel and even to whom
And it's time for them to understand
Love can be wonderful, pure and strong
No matter if its for either a woman or a man

©Lj Mark 2015

Little boy
Red fires trucks
Tree forts
Grasshoppers
Model rockets
Rock n roll
The sea
Growing body
Out of place
Sitting alone
Watching
Lonely
Hide
No one understands
Girl crush
Cars
Writing
21
Alcohol
Drugs
Relief
Job
Alcohol
Must smile
Alcohol
Work
Forget
Gay girls
Weekends with Heidi
I fit in
Guys made jokes
Hate them
Hate them
Alcohol
Alcohol
Marriage
Love
Happier
Travel
Escape
Love
30 years
Hiding
Feel it
Covered
Concealed
Leaking out
Femininity
Fashion
Passion
Beauty
Desire
Need
I'm Trans
Release
Lightened
Free
Happy
Me

©Lj Mark 2015

I can't believe this person I see
I can now be all I want to be
When I close my eyes and look inside
I will never again feel the need to hide

I have no doubt there will be struggles ahead
And If I hadn't come out I'd most certainly be dead
But being open makes me strong and free
And the world can now know and see the really me

©Lj Mark 2015

My Pastor said hi last Sunday morn
Asked how I was and said bless you my son
He invited me to join the men's group there
That met after church at a quarter to four

I froze in my seat unable to speak
How should I reply without sounding weak
To make him know and understand
It would be dishonest to join a group for men

I know that my body still looks mostly male
But hadn't he a hint or even a clue
From my painted nails, earrings or perfume
Or the pink bracelet I wore on my arm

I smiled and replied that I'd give it some thought
But I realized that was really an easy way out
I wanted to somehow make him know
That God made me transgender
Though sometimes it doesn't show

Join the men's group no i can never do that
but the ladies group yes I would really enjoy that
But they will never accept that or understand why
And it would sound very odd if I tried to explain
So this transgender Christian will sit quiet and smile
Knowing just who I am, next to God all the while

© Lj Mark 2015

I wondered tonight if I should be me or not
When I go out tomorrow into the world's sight
It would be so easy to go stealth male
No one would look, or care at all
But the most important person of all, me.

I cried as I thought of those years gone by
The lies, the dreams, the longing to be real
Was it all in vain, and now that I'm free,
would I so easily just give it all away
I might still appear as male to the untrained eye
But my friends can tell and so can i
I'm very special now and it's such a gift
And I'll never give it up, and never go back again.

© Lj Mark 2015

The two of us are quite a pair
Put together by fate, love and care
I doubt you could tell that we don't share blood
From our talks and our chats
From sun up to sun down

To think that we started out two little boys
Conquering our worlds with our games and toys
Then both finding out how we didn't belong
That the bodies we had were just terribly wrong

So over the years, from our two different states
Unknown to each other, we started to change
We came out of our closets, from miles apart
And started our transitions, one earlier one late

But all that's important is we are sisters now
Helping each other, no matter what life throws
It's the most amazing thing you could ever know
Two little boys who are now two amazing women
With female names saying good night as sisters

For my sister and friend.
© Lj Mark 2015

A beating heart and coursing veins
Fingers and toes and arms and legs
We all get hurt and all feel pain
A knife will cut us all the same

So why do some judge, condemn and hate
What crime are we guilty, and sentenced to pay
With a lifetime of insults, disrespect and slurs
Frightened at night and haunted by words

We all are the same, we all think and feel
We all laugh and cry, have desires and wills
We all want the same, and search so long
We all want to be loved, and a place to belong

We all are the same.

© Lj Mark 2015

I write this poem for my beautiful wife
Who's watched me change like day and night
Complained she hasn't, she's just looked on
As I've opened myself up, though it's taken so long

I hope she can tell how happy I am
As my whole self is out, and I do all that I can
To be a better spouse, more sensitive and kind
Stronger and outgoing, not timid and shy

I knew I was Trans from when I was 10
But hid it inside not understanding it then
No one taught it in school or knew how I felt
I just melted away with this part of me unfelt

But by your side I am free to be who I am
The way God created me, some female some man
At least on the inside thats just how I feel
And to share myself with you is an honor,
A delight and a blessing I'll treasure forever
With all my love.

© Mark (Lj Mark)

My brain feels like a planted ***.
My thoughts, memories and senses,
fill the *** like roots, twisting and turning,
filling the spaces with past experiences.

For 50 years those roots were male,
forced downward,
into the soil by society,
family, school and church.

The pressure was too much,
like gravity pulls roots to the bottom of the ***,
They have no choice until one day,
when that *** is turned upside down.

Now my *** is pointed right.
My true female roots are now moving.
Twisting, turning, growing towards the light,
like they were always meant to do.

I'm growing stronger every day,
while those male roots and flesh dissolve.
Becoming the woman I was meant to be,
Shining bright for all to see.

© Lj Mark 2015

The preachers shout out on Sunday morn,
from stages and podiums at the top of their lungs.
God made men to be men, women to be women,
and he never makes any mistakes from heaven.

To be different is a sin, and you must turn away,
ignore your true self and be all that they say.
Dress as they dress, speak as they speak,
stand up like a man, and don't show yourself weak.

But they don't ever say, yet know that they should,
that gender's in the brain, and not in how you look.
And because of that, no mistakes were made,
Men will always be men, and a woman I've always been.

© Lj Mark 2015

Over half a century I've been here.
I remember in the beginning,
I was so shiny and new.
Like a finely painted clay ***,
molded from the very hand of God.
Made a man on the outside,
with strong legs like a *** needs,
to stand full and steady.
Over years of self abuse, the *** cracked,
It fell to pieces, broken and almost destroyed.
Then a hand reached down from heaven,
and picked up the worn down broken pieces,
forming and creating them anew.
This time the *** was smooth and delicate,
intricately carved with the finest tools,
and layered with the purest gold.
Fit only for a Queen, the *** held the finest spice,
and only the most feminine of parfums.
The clay *** had found its true purpose,
Its special place in the world,
as it had always dreamed and longed to do.
The beautiful clay *** lived forever,
and blessed all who touched it,
With its new found beauty and life.

by Lj Mark 2015

Why on earth was I made this way?
Someone sure must have been drinking that day.
This body feels like it's from outer space,
from the tips of my toes to the nose on my face.
These mens clothes feel like they came from mars,
they're the most absurd things I could wear by far.

So I hide in my dream, a most comfortable place,
that smells of jasmine and visions of pink lace.
Soft silk sheets that cover my curves,
nightgowns and rosewater, my female mind's cure.
Long flowing hair, with a sweet smile and eyes,
finish my dream as I fade in the night.

by Lj Mark 2015

I'm tired of terms like his and hers
and everything in between
I'm tired of prefixes that make me feel small
like Trans or any gender at all
I just want to be plain old me
and be the person that I am
and just be liked for being myself
not curiously questioned at all
I was born a Mark, but feel like a Laura
Its really to hard to explain
Just call me what I seem to you
That's perfectly fine with me.

Lj Mark 2015

To be free from the closet that bound me.
To be able to see through new eyes.
To be openly joyous and happy.
To no longer feel need to live lies.

Lj Mark 2015

For a long time now this heart of mine has been stirring
And this male body with a male name I have has been learning

What it means to wake up and be female inside
And every morning have this mind and body collide

I live by new rules now, I nurture and protect
I desire life's beauty and want that to project

But it's evident that soon I'll need a new name
Something with meaning like the scent after rain

I have a twin sister who died at our birth
And I often think of her lovingly here on this earth

And what better way could I keep her inside
Than by taking her name and making it mine

In so many ways Laura was just like me
And soon when I'm called by her name she can see

How very much I love her
And have kept her alive in me

Soon for everyone
in this world to see

by Lj Mark, 2015

Sometimes the past becomes the future.
When I was a teen, I wondered what the future would hold.
Then as the years went by,
I began losing hope and the will to keep going.
Then as the end felt inevitable, I rediscovered
myself, and found new truth inside of me.
I felt anew much like I did at times as a teen.
A whole new start. A whole new gender.
A complete and whole new person.
As the future and past intertwine
and make me who I am today.

by Lj Mark 2015

People ask why I don't talk of the past
Those good ol' days everyone should have
I always look away whenever they ask
For my happy days started later than that

Before I came out I lived in a box
Stifling and small with what felt like a lock
Then one day recently I found my way out
I escaped forever from my screams and shouts

You wouldn't understand unless you were there
How frustrating it was, I was hiding so scared
Like a closet of darkness I've always lived in
Feeling condemned like I'd committed some sin

I broke my way out of that dark ugly box
Made only for males and for only male thoughts
Finding beautiful senses and thoughts and things
Now I am where i should be and wanting to sing

by Lj Mark

Born a boy...
Baseball, music, skateboards...
Puberty comes and goes...
Suicidal thoughts...
The only answer to stop the pain...
Too scared to follow through...
18 and life, my body is a prison...
My body breaks mirrors...
Dysphoria, a word never heard...
Lost, never knowing why...
Alcohol finds me...
The perfect medication...
I laugh, I live...
It hides all the pain...
Year after year...
It's all i know..
There's still something inside...
Something pushing...
Calling, wanting to get out...
It got to be too much...
Then eighteen months ago...
The pain got too much...
My liver was destroyed...
I thought it was the end...
I met a person...
Heard the word transgender...
Some others took me...
Taught me, cared for me...
One day the light came on...
After all these years of tears...
The answer was so simple...
All the pieces fit perfectly...
I was transgender, and never knew...
Now I'm free...
Im so happy for the first time to be me...
I'm transgender..!

We're pushed away and stepped over
When we're not being scoffed at and ridiculed
We wonder where our strength comes from
How we get up over and over and over again

Trans or Gay, or sometimes both
We all get treated the same
Hurt by words that get thrown at us
So often that only tears remain

But strong we are, those that are left
Too many gone, from pain and distrust
We take a breath, wipe off the spit
And keep fighting to live another day

The world cries for unity, for rights and equality
But somehow we always seem to lose
The rights and equality seemed destined for us
Given to those the majority choose to see

We sink in our hearts, hold on to each others hands
Dreary of the battle, left empty from the fight
Trans and Gay, stand arm in arm
Ready for tomorrow, hoping for an end to the fight.

by Lj Mark, 2015

I have learned so much I wish others could see.
Things I never dreamed of that are now part of me.
A feminine side I would never let out,
now shines like a diamond, like sun through the clouds.

I understand feeling female, my God, I really do.
But I seem to be the only one here who cares for this move.
I'm blessed by it more than words can say,
yet I feel I'm the only one here who cares
and loves this new me, at the end of each day.

I just feel so alone, like there's no one to show,
these wonderful things that now make my heart glow.
Will they matter to my wife, or just push her away.
I remember a year ago and I'm so different today.
Do my neighbors care, as they pass by and say hi,
or am I just another face to them trying to survive.

Its a wonderful feeling when you know you've changed,
and become a new person that none could explain.
I just want to tell everyone here in my life,
how happy I am now and that I feel I can fly.

Inside of my soul I know that I'm Trans,
but what does that mean and what does it matter,
If I have no one here close to share that part with.
No one will ever know me, and who I've become,
and I'll one day just vanish, and fade and be gone,
like the sun at the end of the day,
just another smile in a few peoples memory.

by LJ Mark, 4/24/15

They'd been friends for months... Meeting in a thunderstorm... Together days and nights before... From under chandeliers to dark club corner booths... Movies, music, cruising around town at night in the Camaro... Drunken dancing on the porch at 3;00am.... Beachcombing on hot summer days.. Deep conversations... Talk and yearnings for transition, pain, fear, anticipation of the unknown dreams that have haunted her whole life, that only he understands... Hangovers weathered on the couch... Late for work mornings after too much wine.. Feeling full of smiles that night, wine, lots of talk, deep talk interrupted only by moments of silence and thought.. Old music on the radio... It's snowing hard and long, blowing the leafless branches against the house.... Sounds of ghosts outside, transparent nails *****, scratching, with every gust... Wanting, needing, desiring to be let in... They both felt it.. Lonely quivers against the cold leather sofa.. The snow blows harder outside... The house trembles.. The lights go out with a loud crackling pop in the fuse box... They jump, and fall closer together on the couch.. Laughter erupts, as the wine absorbs all fear... Memories of summers moments. The sun on their backs turn to cold flashing shadows from blowing branches.. Sounds get louder, eyes widen... He rests his hand on hers, needing comfort... She trembles... Genders collide then disappear in the darkness... He touches her for the first time as the woman she's always longed to be.. They kiss and melt almost in tears... A transformer explodes on a pole outside... No attention is paid... Their hearts and bodies are consumed by love, nothing else matters, the whole world stops and takes a deep breath.. They touch, sensing things so new, so natural and familiar. Excitement and pulses that can not be imagined or explained... Sharing things neither had even knew existed before.. A love so special, so deep, so unique that they sink beneath the silk bed sheets, and disappear completely... Snow stops falling, wind stops blowing, they are both now blind, both deep in love, and both happier than they ever dreamed they could be...

by Lj Mark, 3-24-15

I don't think of my past very often these days
So much has changed in me in so many ways
The person i was, no trace of him remains
In fact his gender is gone too, in his place is a dame

Deep in my mind I've discovered the truth
That trying to always be a man was an error of my youth
I hid it from the world year after year
But I've come out as trans, and its perfectly clear

And I'm happy now, full of kindness and love
On a journey I've started like none I've dreamed of
With all the things in my life that mean most
I'm seldom reminded of all my old ghosts

But sometimes I remember smiles of my past
Friendships long ago that I thought might last
And its okay that they haven't, I don't really mind
Most are forgotten, or lost for all time

This poem is to one, I think of sometimes
Her name is Fran, and some fun times we had
But decades have passed, all of us have changed
I was just hoping she was well, and living her dreams

To Fran, from Mark

by Lj Mark 2015

~ To all my friends ~

To all my friends that I adore
Whether Trans or CIS or Gay galore
I'm sending my thoughts, best wishes and love
That your lives may have blessings from high above

You're beautiful as you are, in every way
And I admire you all, at the end of the day
I dream that some day, we can all share a hug
And until that day comes, you all have my love

by LJ Mark 2015

~ Triggers ~

The smell of nail polish
High heels on a hardwood floor
Movie kisses and love scenes
The smell of perfume
Hair spray and flowered soap
Orange blossoms and chocolate
Ocean waves and a crackling fire
Gasps, giggles and high pitched laughs
Silk sheets and brass beds
A breath, a touch, a kiss in the dark
Waking up naked, camomile tea
Roses, roses and more roses

All of these things bring joy to my heart
Make me feel like my body and mind aren't apart
Make me long to be someone that I've never been
And give me a reason to wake, and imagine I can

by Lj Mark 2015

~ Learning to love all over again ~

When i was a boy I learned how to love
Watching the older boys at drive in movies
Dads stories with mom, vague without details
They pushed me on to act a man
strong and powerful, always on top
Always in charge and seizing that moment

But now I've changed, and thats not me
I feel more like the girls i was with than he
I just want to melt, my heart vulnerable and free
To lay so softly with hardly a single sound made
Loving as tender as a woman could be
Not like they taught me, I'm not that at all
I'm more like a daughter, or an angel of love.

by Lj Mark 2015

~Blessed be us~

Star light, star bright.
Bless all of my trans friends tonight.

Blessed be us, who walk the walk
That one day we'll be together to hug and talk.

May we stand together in unity,
While sharing ourselves with humanity.

Let our smiles conquer our uncertainty and pain
And our sincerity and heart be our umbrella in the rain.

Let's show the world the kindness it lusts,
And make the world know how its - Blessed to be us.

by Lj Mark 2015

Family of Trans

Talons raised, like an eagle ready to strike
Strength within surging, searching for an outlet
Feeling invincible, needing to shout from a high place
Shouting look at me, see all that i am and have become

We will not be kept down, or be trampled under foot
We are proud of our uniqueness, proud of our completeness
Our strength shines bright, knowing we are beautiful
Our genders shift, flow, reverse from what our bodies tell us

And we shine, we are the diamonds of Trans, stars so bright
We blind many, with our gifts, our skills and passion
Our hearts are open to all that will see, deep and full of love
We are the stars in the sky at night, the sparkle of the seas

We are the family of Trans, we are beautiful and strong.

by Lj Mark, 2015

My home - My trans community

Home was never inviting, it was always harsh and cold.
Going about our separate ways, never wanting to expose,
Building walls and pretending, "I'm fine" our favorite words,
So no one else would question, and no one else would know.

Then one day a while ago, I fell upon some friends.
They took me in, protected me, taught me how to fly again.
They never tried to force on me, they're different way of life,
But I found that we were much alike, the truth could not deny.

They're here and there and spread about,
Like feathers in the wind, but we have a deep connection,
And for them I instantly care about, and always just fit in.
Some call it the Trans community, but I just call it friends.

Someday I know we'll be together, not spread so far apart,
Not just because I love them so, but also because we know,
That we are all the special ones, even though few can see,
When all of us stand together, each one is truly free.

~ by Lj Mark, 3-21-15 ~

Its a new day

She wakes from the nights sleepy darkness
Knowing the body under the covers doesn't fit her
But as she drifts in and out of the mornings gentle hold
Her dreams and mind forget the body under the covers
And she finds herself dancing in a waterfall
Swimming like a mermaid she reaches the edge of the pool
Shaking her beautiful long curls, and dressing
In her silks and flowing lace.
She smells the forest through a female nose
All the beautiful woods and flowers come alive within
Assuming the demeanor of a Princess
Walking the paths, with dust that sparkles
Settling on the ground behind her
But the dreams end suddenly, as the scent of coffee
Fills the room, and the sounds of cars passing outside
Bring her back, back into the here and now
The covers pull off, and the trousers come on, the shirt and boots that the day requires.
But as she walks out the door, to spend the day trying to be a man in a mans world, she gently smiles, knowing that her magical forest awaits its Princess, and soon she will return

by Lj Mark 2015