i've typed a lot of things
on the internet
to other people,
and i want a lot of my
last messages to be

"my flight just landed,
see you in 15 minutes.
i love you"

my apologies mean nothing

i told you how i felt, why i didn't do what you wanted
it meant nothing to you

because "no excuses", right?
if you were on this website,
you'd know i was writing about you.

but you don't know about Hello Poetry,
or that i even wrote poetry.

now, i'm left crying, wanting to self harm again
and you think i don't want you in my life.

it seems more like you don't want me in yours.

do you hear that?

the sound of my heart

beating loudly

and passionately

just for you?

or is the sound of

your insults

too loud for you

to concentrate

on more than my

appearance?

every day
i commit suicide

and everyone
lets me die

they do not
stop me

every day
i give up a
piece of me
to please you

every day
i agree to
something i do
not believe in

every day
i break myself
to make you
feel better

i have killed
myself more
than 100 times

and i will
continue to
**** myself

until someone
kills themselves for me

fifteen and stupid
tuesday afternoon
after school, after four
early decemeber
snowing softly

in your room
with the lights
turned off
only christmas lights
lit up our faces

i was timid
and scared
you were confident
and brave

you grabbed me
and kissed me
terribly

i hated it
the kiss
i hated you
the person

but i never
pushed you away
or told you no

but i wish i had
pushed you off me
and wiped my mouth
clean of your saliva
told you how
this isn't what i asked for

but i didn't

and i paid for that

by dating you for almost
a whole year before
i decided i didn't
want this
this kiss
this person

The halls of a high school
are the most
destructive and obnoixous
place to be
but also the most
peaceful and soul searching
place to be

Every teenager in the building
is in the halls in the exact moment
everyone is in one clump
loud, messy, and
thought provoking

you can hear bits of every
passing conversation
fleeting gossip
disruptive insults
blaring music

all the bits gather and swirl
in each others heads
weaving into our thoughts
and popping up in small talk
making your sentence a pop culture reference before your own eyes

If you walk a certain way
head down unless you see your locker
a few steps behind the last person
in the middle of the right side
you just disappear
people don't recognize
your existance

You melt into the routine of your
daily walk in the hallways
you're always walking near
the same people each
passing period

you don't know their names
but they are your friends
when you drop your books,
the two soccer players that
hate their coach help you
because they always walk
behind you and need you
to walk so they can blend in too

the girl in front of you
that seems to have self esteem issues
because shes wearing XXL shirts
when she's only a Large
whenever she sneezes
you acknowledge her
when no one else has
or even would

we've all fallen into the trap
of the hallways vacant yet
totally cramped feeling
we've been molded by it
we are part of the hallways

I’ve always hated Rainy days.

The storm cloud always lingers around.
His days wash away.
Like chalk on the sidewalk.

The rain comes down.
Our conversation escapes him.
Like a dog free from a leash.

I Remember when you took me to the park.
Why don’t you.
The Rain washed the day away.

I Remember when you gave me your pocket watch.
But why do you ask me about it every day.
The Rain washed the time away.

I Remember when Nana died.
Why can’t you Remember her name.
The Rain washed her away.

Do you Remember when we danced in the Rain?
I know you do.
We talk about it everyday.

Why that moment?
Why is it so important to you?
Why did you always love the Rain?

I’ll Remember when I go off to college soon
Will you?
Don't let the Rain wash me away too.

You never got around to telling me

this girl
*******, this girl.

she was heaven and hell at the same time. all four seasons at their fullest, the snow, the sun, the flowers, and the baked leaves. she was determination and shyness, happiness and sadness, all at once. all at one time. she was the sun, the moon, the stars, the planets, and the vast emptiness of space.

i was dull. i was the long roads in the middle of nowhere. the places people lose themselves, lose each other. i was empty. i was all those nights you dont remember your dreams. i was all those places you didnt go, because the other was better.

she was everything.
i was nothing.
she was my everything.
i was her nothing.

you fell in love with your best friend.

not only their charming, i'm supporting you til the end personality,
but their deep, thoughtful yet attentive eyes of the warmest shade of
chocolaty brown there is.
the way their gap in between the front two teeth show when they smile, laughing like angelic church bells when you make the stupid joke about it being them being the reason it's too hot in their room.
the warm embrace your body feels, yet the chills that run down your spine when they call you at 10:30 pm for your nightly routine of watching news reporters fail on live television to the silly teen drama shows on youtube.

but you can't tell them you love them, because they talk about that person in their chemistry class that gave them a pencil during the first week of school, and never asked for it back.
provided them notes when they were so tried from staying up all night that they needed to stay at home.
how they brought them a valentine's day card and some chocolates on february 14th because you didn't ask them out for a movie or even just to hang out.

but you'll still love them, and say you do, but it's sibling love, the you're my best friend love, but you're not my best best friend love.

you fell in love with your best friend.
and your best friend fell in love.

have i forgiven them, or do i just wish to be forgiven?

they all hurt me,
but i hope you get away from your brother,
and i hope your mom lets you speak other languages
and i hope you finally find that girl who makes you smile
and i hope your dad accepts that you're gay

even though you all hoped that i was dead.
but to be honest,
i hoped i was dead too.

i thought i loved you.
the way you called me princess,
or you called me yours,
how you declared me your favorite
and let me fall asleep in call.
how you messaged me when i couldn't sleep
even when you had work at 7 am

i really ******* thought i loved you,
and sometimes i think i still do,
but you made it really clear that you didn't love me
when you called her princess,
and claimed her as yours,
and said she was the most important person to you
how she fell asleep with you,
and how you helped her back to sleep,
even when you had work at 7 am

i sometimes still think i love you.

i get too attached
i get too focused
i get too comfortable
to strangers
to new people
to old friends
too fast
too fast
too ******* fast

i hate myself for it,
i can't think about you, or her, or him
without wanting to pick up
the small silver solution
and push it into the feelings
and have it all wash away
like when i used to stand in the shower
for hours at a time to just think about things
but now i cant stop thinking and it gets too difficult
to stop thinking and just fall asleep to
temporarily leave this dastardly plane of
"living"

why do we teach children the wrong things*
why do we tell children* if they are being teased by the opposite gender, it's love
why do we tell children that santa claus and the easter bunny exist
why do we tell children that everything is going to be okay

we are teaching children that love starts slightly abusive
we are teaching children imaginative creatures just to tell them they don't exist later
we are teaching children that all pain goes away

i learned in psychology a valuable lesson
that humans have a need to belong
now i see

im not such a different human
*at all

I do not smoke because I am addicted, as the smoke begins to make me choke
I began smoking because the smoke fills my lungs, allowing me to feel like I'm breathing something besides this sadness, it fills all the empty holes in my soul that you put there.

I don't really know how to feel,
I'm taking too many pills, my bottle is half empty,
I'm smoking more often, because my lungs feel less empty.

I liked you, very much, you were very different, but then you tried to fit in
Our feelings became more original than different, and our actions became more of a routine than a surprise.
**The biggest surprise we had was when I broke up with you.