you fell in love with your best friend.

not only their charming, i'm supporting you til the end personality,
but their deep, thoughtful yet attentive eyes of the warmest shade of
chocolaty brown there is.
the way their gap in between the front two teeth show when they smile, laughing like angelic church bells when you make the stupid joke about it being them being the reason it's too hot in their room.
the warm embrace your body feels, yet the chills that run down your spine when they call you at 10:30 pm for your nightly routine of watching news reporters fail on live television to the silly teen drama shows on youtube.

but you can't tell them you love them, because they talk about that person in their chemistry class that gave them a pencil during the first week of school, and never asked for it back.
provided them notes when they were so tried from staying up all night that they needed to stay at home.
how they brought them a valentine's day card and some chocolates on february 14th because you didn't ask them out for a movie or even just to hang out.

but you'll still love them, and say you do, but it's sibling love, the you're my best friend love, but you're not my best best friend love.

you fell in love with your best friend.
and your best friend fell in love.

have i forgiven them, or do i just wish to be forgiven?

they all hurt me,
but i hope you get away from your brother,
and i hope your mom lets you speak other languages
and i hope you finally find that girl who makes you smile
and i hope your dad accepts that you're gay

even though you all hoped that i was dead.
but to be honest,
i hoped i was dead too.

i thought i loved you.
the way you called me princess,
or you called me yours,
how you declared me your favorite
and let me fall asleep in call.
how you messaged me when i couldn't sleep
even when you had work at 7 am

i really ******* thought i loved you,
and sometimes i think i still do,
but you made it really clear that you didn't love me
when you called her princess,
and claimed her as yours,
and said she was the most important person to you
how she fell asleep with you,
and how you helped her back to sleep,
even when you had work at 7 am

i sometimes still think i love you.

i get too attached
i get too focused
i get too comfortable
to strangers
to new people
to old friends
too fast
too fast
too ******* fast

i hate myself for it,
i can't think about you, or her, or him
without wanting to pick up
the small silver solution
and push it into the feelings
and have it all wash away
like when i used to stand in the shower
for hours at a time to just think about things
but now i cant stop thinking and it gets too difficult
to stop thinking and just fall asleep to
temporarily leave this dastardly plane of
"living"

why do we teach children the wrong things*
why do we tell children* if they are being teased by the opposite gender, it's love
why do we tell children that santa claus and the easter bunny exist
why do we tell children that everything is going to be okay

we are teaching children that love starts slightly abusive
we are teaching children imaginative creatures just to tell them they don't exist later
we are teaching children that all pain goes away

i learned in psychology a valuable lesson
that humans have a need to belong
now i see

im not such a different human
*at all

I do not smoke because I am addicted, as the smoke begins to make me choke
I began smoking because the smoke fills my lungs, allowing me to feel like I'm breathing something besides this sadness, it fills all the empty holes in my soul that you put there.