Marina Kay Jan 4
Time and again,
at dusk or dawn,
I coerce my head to envisage
a mirage or an image
of your bones lying still in death.
That helps me sleep at night.
It calms my breath.

In my dreams, you're a phantom.
Torn away from me, inadvertently.
You didn't leave,
pick up and disappear deliberately.
You were poisoned, ill, murdered, killed,
you froze or passed in sleep,
you maybe drowned at sea.
Not in despair, in a life so unfair.  

You did what you thought was best.
Perhaps it was, I still can't tell.
It's what you do when you're young,
seek a new start, a chance to become
something you can't run away from.

In my dreams, I'm your companion,
your muse, friend and lover,
we ran away together.
Travelled and settled, hand in hand.
Built a life that could withstand
everything that drove you away forever.

In my dreams, you couldn't let me go and we didn't have to end.
In reality, I find it easier to pretend you were dead.
Marina Kay Dec 2018
I left my heart in December,
in a strife that I surrendered.

I lost the wind from my sails.
Without your touch, my plight prevailed.

I lived in despair,
whenever you weren't there.

Against broken promises and disarray,
I remained loving you anyway.
I can't believe you're gone, Jordan. I still love you. I always will.
Marina Kay Nov 2018
Dirt to Adam's ale.

As the ripples trace my skin,
the circling cyclones of my crown
lull and quell with my sinking breath.

The deepness of the blue
guarantees my sanctuary.
I swim and swim until I am free.
I've always had this almost supernatural connection to water. I adore it with all my heart. Whether it's the sea or a pool, I'm instantly at peace when I'm near it. The only time I can be truly happy is when I'm swimming. I live by the sea, my ancestors were pearl divers, water carriers, coast guards.. the list is endless. Even my name is derived from water. It just seems like a sign that it's where I belong.
Marina Kay Oct 2018
It sits in my stomach,
rules the beats of my heart,
pouring under my skin,
and through my shaking limbs.
It grips me and waits
to tear me apart.

In public spaces,
the crowds and faces
spark its power over me.
I count to three
Still, I can barely breathe.
Engulfing my energy
until it's ready to leave.

It leaves me trembling,
as my eyes betray me.
Once more my fears
have brought me to tears.
My social anxiety was so bad today, I don't know how I made it.
Marina Kay Oct 2018
I've heard that distance makes the heart grow fonder;
but somehow it seems to me,
melancholy is the mislaid piece,
for the pangs in my chest
have only grown stronger.

We're 3000 miles apart,
on separate time zones and continents,
your absence from my eyes
captivates my consciousness.

Replaying our memories
in an infinite loop,
my mind plays its tricks
to remind me of you.

As if I could forget
that spellbinding time we spent,
on the days and nights
right after we met.
Missing Jordan.
Marina Kay Oct 2018
I was 20 years old,
Walking down the road.
You stopped me in my tracks
To say hello.
I said it back because what's the harm?
From that moment on,
I was a victim to your charm.
You called me pretty
And reached out to hold me,
That alone should have sent me running.
You refused to let me leave,
Until you had a way of contacting me.
Gripping on to my sleeve,
I did what you asked of me.
I wasn't scared
When I should've been.
I was taught to think
That was romantic of him.
If I could turn back,
I would untell myself that.
Shed light on my naivety,
perhaps protect my virginity,
From a 35 year old man
With an abominable plan.
Yes I was of legal age
But here's the common sense,
It still gave you no right
To rob me of my innocence.
Convinced we were friends
And I would always be safe
I let my guard down
Oh ***, what a mistake.
You kept wanting to meet late at night.
In your car, in a park,
Anywhere out of sight.
I always felt compelled
During those meetings of ours.
Never like my own self
In those early morning hours.
The first time you laid hands on me
Was when I called and needed company.
Vulnerable and upset,
I needed a friend.
A shoulder to cry on,
A possible distraction,
A devil-sent ravisher
Was not what I asked for.
I was not in control.
I kept coming back for more.
The night you finally ****** me
Is my reoccurring nightmare.
A force and ****** feature,
The end of an affair.
I can't leave it in the past.
You left me aghast.
I want to tear off my skin
And rid myself of your sin.
It's been a couple of months,
Still I can't bear to be clutched,
Until now, I've kept my mouth shut
About the night I was touched.
I'm trying to heal.
Marina Kay Sep 2018
Now I know how it feels: serendipity;
I sensed it on that 26th of June.
At first glance ecstasy,
by the drapery,
where I first met you.

Rosy cheeks and warm summer air,
Walking side by side,
beneath the daylight's glare.
Pulsing hearts and feeling shy,
passing smiles with our eyes.

Armours fall as stories unfold,
I linger on every word you say.
Laughing with you as time ticks by,
All I want is to ask you to stay.

Cigarettes at sunset,
the music blaring high,
dancing in starlight,
bewitched by your eyes.
You lean in to kiss me,
it's surreal as a daydream,
sweet, and laced with mint and nicotine.

It seems like fate was at play here.
We were meant to be, dear.
Easy marks of Cupid's arrow,
left a feeling I can't outgrow.
Can it be too good to be true?
Take my hand,
let's see it through and through.

Serendipity was a sign,
You're worth the try.
I'll love you, until I die.
To Jordan.
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