The love he displays is like a gentle spring rain,
Drizzling old despondent dandelion dreams.
Never within my reach;
So madly mesmerized, I gazed
As he recited.
So badly bruised, I wished
Until my wishes became possessiveness.
I was envious.

My train of thought comes crashing without any breaks.
Too late to be tepid now it's tarnished.
I never learned how to let go;
Still fighting fire, I cried
At night.
Still finding faith, I smiled
And rested in the comfort of his presence.
I was hopeless.

Ever unrequited, I still dreamed of him.
I wished for every ounce of what once was with you;
I'd come to resent you for the state you've left him in.
You, who did nothing to me, and who was innocent.
You, who lives on in sincere stories.
I wonder if we would have been friends.
As I watch from afar, I see how truly beautiful you are
Or... Would have been.

I'm blunt and outspoken,
But easily heartbroken.
So truthfully, it’s best to lie.
Or perhaps I  should say, “hide.”
It’s best to hide hesitance than to let it reside
In every day conversational tides—
Pushing and pulling erratically, yet expectedly
Like my tug-of-war thoughts
The ones that route me to rot
Like my wrought iron that rusts
Until the build up coerces me to combust
At the worst possible times.  
It’s best to delude that I’m fine,
Or should I allude it’s easier to whine
Online to anonymous shrines
Like this one?
It’s easier to remind myself
What’s “for the best.” “Each obstacle is a test.”
What I should do. What I shouldn’t.
What I’d give and what you wouldn’t, couldn’t and that I needn’t care.
“It’s best now to carry on,”
To claim I don’t want what I want and
That what I do want is wrong.

Is it wrong to pursue our desires?
Wasn't a forward girl required?
Or are we simply left reticent liars?
It's always the stagnancy of which I tire.

I don't remember the last time of real heartbreak.
I remember losing loyalty, losing interest.
Things don't always work, or resentment's mistake.
But I can't remember when I ever felt shattered
From the mere idea of living without someone.
Like my entire being tattered, pieces in the wind scattered.
Like some whole void of emptiness;
Everything gouged out of me like it never even mattered.
I remember being abandoned.
I remember being alone.
But I can't remember feeling like my life left too,
Like it was never even my own.
I guess I wanted it to be ours instead.
I guess I wanted too much.
I guess there was no "destiny's red thread."
I wish I didn't still yearn for your touch.
I don't know what to do with a life without you.
I was told I had so much ahead,
But from where I am, I can hardly move.
How long would it take to forget?
Is that even something on which I can bet?
I don't think I've ever felt real love for someone
So selflessly, so hopefully,
Like I did this less year.
How long will it take to live a life without you
When I'm surrounded by distraught and fear?
You were the water to my flowers,
You were the northern star in my nights,
You were the fire in my engine.
But now it's dark and you're nowhere in sight.
What is a life worth if not for love?
In which direction do I go?
This fever wears me, my mourning dove.
But I will make it through the night,
If only to anticipate
A notification's gentle light.

Stay with me.
"Be" with me.
Your hand lost in mine.
The silence a sign
Of unrequited fine whine.
The same clear tears,
Shed over years.
Does it ever get better?

Seek solace in me,
Warm bodies pressed.
I'm on some quest,
Endless and repressed.
To find "you,"
Whoever you are.
The comfort I need.
Accompanied
By supposed mind-read.
And then to my delusion
I am remarried.

Your hands must be lost in mine.
Because I can no longer bear this vine
Untangling, uncoiling, unweaving and

Alone.

Dispassionately cast with no compass to live,
I dwindle like the stars that die, transmissive.
This depth is cold without you or the love I invented.
I embraced it, despite on me you've been imperfectly imprinted and indented.

Take me or leave me, anything to fill that void.
Every intimacy and secret which you've ever enjoyed.
You've spent time designing black holes of savage ruination,
Dying light that spirals into native perturbation,
Inside the one who'd always, and still, followed.
Idly droning black ink... How will we fair tomorrow?

Chasing you, a fading eclipse,
Orbiting that star no one can see.
In a vast, open nothingness, with an only invisible me.

The hot tails of asteroids burn it away.
You had warned me of them, but I never turned to stray.
From a promise, for myself, to inspire the brightest brilliance.
To think I'd been so audacious to assume my own resilience.
The transformation and expansion of what's more massive than us,
I can't possibly predict what may become of scattered dust.

Bloom, these flowers in my heart.
From ash come hither no rot,
But arms spread open--
Embrace the traces of life still within,
I rise.
No longer sing songs of demise.
I rise for a crown that yearns as mine.

And so it is, and so I will be.

Step out of the room and into the rain.
The sky is no longer gray,
But the cool drizzle washes me clean.
My skin is peeled away, like a snake;
Someone new,
Yet
Someone who is me, the one who's always been.
I had abandoned her.

Addiction
To what was never real.
Addiction.

I can see I lied to her, myself,
I can admit to my own illusions I was deluded to believe:

    I
       Do not need you.
                 I
                    Cannot save you.

The truth does not make me heartless.
Wash me clean and away the darkness.
I am compassion.
I am nurture.
I can be your friend,
Care from a distance while I mend,

Because I do not need you.
               We are not meant to be.

Now you'll have to save yourself.
Now I must love me.

How is it possible
To feel two things at once?
    "Dichotomies."
        Atrocities
That sheer the mind like paper.
"I hate you,
                     I love you,"
Spoken so close together.
Every time,
Each some crime.
I'm b roKen then TRANSFORMED.


A swelling heart,
                              A burning rage.
Back     and     forth.
Don't turn the page.
Not again,
Not like this.
Please don't stop this thrilling chase.


"Stay with me,"
                           "Leave me be,"
If you know what's best for you.
I'm good for you,
I promise you.
"Don't look at me,"
                                  "Who is she?"


I'll isolate
Everything.



There is none,
I'm the one.


I am nothing,
This time it's final.
I'm sick of you,
So don't come back.
                                   Where are you going?
                                   Why am I sewing
                                   This new patch?

                                    Let me f
                                                   a
                                                     d
                                                         e
                                                            i n  t  o    b   l    a     c     k . . .

The keys have never lied to me;
They really only sing
Echoed notes to my favor:
Utmost passion, pain, pining.
Four worn walls of floral
Patterns once were vibrant.
Torn and tattered blossoms of
Pastels in alignment.

There is a view of the terrace,
But my song cannot be free.
The sill is chipped and window locked,
Sun’s outline halos, mockery.
My hands don’t shake across my board
Nor tremble ruined red lacquered.
Composing now my newest start
Arranging how I want to feel and
Fill my place with hopeless heart.

Serenade my soul, please,
Even with my mistruck keys.
The shadows grow so long here,
Dear, they always frighten me.
Dark hair turned amber gold,
Iridescent,
So I’m told.
But I’ve only love for which I cannot hold.

I do not play with another,
Lest they feel the need.
No one else can play the same;
My jumbled notes? Your misread.
Regardless of me all,
The dust collects around.
Yet shimmering like diamonds
As they catch the sunlit crown.
But silently they fall away,
Hiding faded footsteps where no one stayed.
And so I no longer wait for them;
Press the pedal yet again.
Find their portraits on the porch—
Mourning sound my keys had then.

I see you’ve gotten the old brass doorknob to finally let you in,
But you’ve disturbed the patterns on the water-damage within.
Come and sit beside me now on this wooden bench
Creaking gently through my chamber with no chance for French
Exit as you’ve entered now.
The warm light
Cascades on my
Ivory.
Touch on me your melody.
It may not ring as it once did,
But I shall share it as we wish.

A touch,
A subtle understanding.
Never commanding,
Yet body language demanding
For the attention. For the affection.
An awkward gift; the thought that counts,
Wishing for your smile upon every ounce
Of effort their hearts pronounced.
The “I’m here for you”s, the “I’ve been there too”s.
They hold you when you cry—
Perhaps it’s because I was never held as a child
That I do it so easily.
They see me, for all that I am;
I was once an innocent sham.
****. I blurted out my thoughts in the moment.
They don’t scare.
Mirrored stare
Back ...at... me.

I always associated “friends” with “ends.”
A touch, a subtle gesture of reciprocated love
From friends.
I find myself, not alone, with the safehood of vulnerability.

Please don’t go. I need you.

The quieter nights of "together,"
Loudly with personality
Or not saying anything at all.
Breathing,
Natural breath
In rhythm to pulsing heartbeats.
Stifled laughs.
       You don't have to do a thing.
       You don't have to prove a thing.
We're in the dark,
We're called the "lost,"
But I find something in you...
Find your place too,
At least for the night.

Arms in knots 'round each other, feeling like bursting.
A chin at the crown of my hair.
       You don't have to do a thing.
       You don't have to prove a thing.
The discomfort of bone on bone I ignore.
Please, hold me till I'm not lonely anymore.

I want to write of nature.
I want to write of mountains.
I want the white waters of the rivers
To engulf me,
Coldly calming my swollen heart.
But I am only in an office park devoid of green.
These towers are like trees,
But lifeless and alone am I
Even in the crowd around me.
I want the smell of the soil.
I want the fractals of sun through the leaves.
Take my hand tightly and guide me
'Cross the slippery stones along this path.
My favorite things are those photogenic flowers...
The ones here don't grow quite the same,
Trapped in a small patch of dying dirt.
I look at that concrete cage and think of me.
I want to write of nature, but there are only mirrors
Of the glass miles high that show me exactly where I was never meant to be.

Pure white,
A flash of gold.
An angel truly fallen.
She found me.
I twist my head, hair tossing.
I glimpse the saddest scene.
Her majesty.
Her purity
Enveloped in a grayscale.
I see your broken wing, love,
But it never kept you from loving.
Your compassion inspires me.
Are you here to guide me?
A blood red that stains porcelain skin,
Deepest scars that tear apart the heart.
Yet she found me,
Asiding her tragedy,
To show me the light.
A flash of gold,
And the purest white
I've ever seen.

I know we've never been "together."
I know you said to move on.
I tried to be fine with wading this weather,
But the love in my heart still tells me it's wrong.

Now, I'm not saying I'm resentful,
But you did treat me like I was special.
Lately has been so uneventful.
And I'm starting to think this isn't a game...

I get a little jealous when you look at other girls.
I know we're not together, but... You are my whole world.
I get a little jealous when you talk about them too.
It's because we're not together, but...
You told me that you liked me... You told me that you do.

Now, I'm not trying to be weird, but call me, I'd give you my time.
Actually, I'd give you everything, cuz I just want you to be mine.
When I got too lonely, I'd just stare at your photos--
Soundless replacements for you, who knows.

You said I'm obsessive—come on now, don't play.
You like it when I'm open, you preferred me this way.
You said we'd be great together, don't think I forgot.
I cherish every sweet thing you said, so my heart doesn't rot.

Now I've deleted all of your things, cuz I can't bear to see your face.
My prized possessions... I should've given you space.
Why wouldn't you make me yours, like you wanted to?
Now we're apart, now we'll both just be blue.
And now I regret this—now I really do.
True, I'm a little weird, but we're both crazy.
I know what you're afraid of; I know it isn't me.

Like children,
Stamped out the flame.
Everything was thrown away.
Every day
Keeping you from yourself.
Every day
Dusting off your shelf.
Worry,
Physically ill.
Living still?
Bored of waiting,
Worn of debating
With rage
And smiles you gave me,
Drowned--
Tears that made a greater sea.
Like Alice out sipping tea.

                      Anger,
                      Anger,
 ­                     Arrogant sneer.
                      Regret,
                      Regret­,
                      Realized fear.

Have a drink.
It's finally over.
Bleed from myself till I'm sober.
Feels like dying.
Mental illness vying
With the little voices
For the better choices.

We lose.

The thought of your kiss.
How every day I miss
you and your stupid **** that ******
me off and I remember I
have to stop loving you so I
can stop hurting so bad, but why
can't I get you off my mind
and just spend one ******* evening not feeling left behind?
I feel like I'd,
just to be with you again, die.
Just to see you once I'd
rearrange a sky so I
could sleep soundly without having to cry
myself there. Personify
my optimism, turn a blind eye
and satisfy my tongue-tied
thoughts that just want to find
some peace of ******* mind
away from the "goodbye"
that repeats like a broken record inside.

Love on standby.
Love gone awry.

You say you hate everything about yourself,
But I find myself lost in you.
Even if I'm nowhere near,
I always rush to pick up when your call comes through.
I only want to write about your voice right now.
Because when I'm flooded in the dark,
When I'm weighed down by the toxins in my heart,
I forget everything the moment you start talking.
It's not really how it sounds, or what you say...
I can't describe it,

It just makes me feel this way.

Comforted. Soothed. At home.

I could listen to you go on all day.

I could name all the things I love about you;
Your eyes. Your smile. Your wit.
The way you always feel things so intensely.
The way you don't know when to quit.
But right now...I only want to think about your voice.

It's the only part of you I can have.

I want to possess you.

I want the quivering of your throne,
The trembling of your bones underneath me.
I want beautiful blood to bleed for me.
Reach for me from your place beneath me.

Between my fingers
I want to feel the struggling breaths of your heart,
Pinched veins in your throat,
And your whimper like a sweet ****.
In the dark...the dark.

The dark in my selfish eyes match the night.
The coo in my voice tells you it's fine...
Bruises ruin ruined skin,
I make you mine.

Thin nails along your jaw,
Devil's claw.
Say it now, say it raw:
You are mine.

Never let another come near,
Nor touch you, taste you.
Raging jealousy, I fear.
You are my pet who speaks when I say, my dear.

On the scent of musk, a predator's lust;
I must admit unsettling crime:
I'm tired of watching...
I'll make you mine.

Now beg for me.
Rope 'round your wrists,
Under my control.
You are darling like this.

Teeth leave starved greedy marks,
Labored torn lips and fingertips
Where the sweat pools in the dark...
The dark.

There was a time...
The first rhyme
You ever read to me
That time when I,
Once unappreciative,
But that night...
Fell in love with it.
You recited your hurt like art,
A delicate voice,
But with trembling heart.

During those early days of early love.
I always wanted to read along as you read aloud.

And I would've died to be the page you'd slaved upon.
Tears, blood, passion unrivaled like a daring dawn
That fights the night till the day is gone.
Perhaps it was to feel connected to you,
But I began to write my stories too.
I threaded them together painstakingly,
Usually in the lonesome limbos I felt achingly,
Anxiously,
And it took so long to share myself with you.

Did you know you were the first to ever see them?
You always thought I was beautiful.

Once again, you encouraged the fire free.
And this isn't the only sea
You've taught me to sail.
Now I place my work here
With the sheer raw emotion I so dearly make clear.
It is one of the few things I've made mine.
I never said I had talent, but at least I can rhyme!
And now?

Now I write for me.

Meet me where the stars bloom like flowers,
Where the sunflower caresses us with its golden grace,
Only preceded by the moonflower that bathed us in serene the night before.
Meet me where the garden gleams, flourished from the lifeblood of our togetherness.
I'll arrange an accretion of roses around your eyes that pull me in.
The galaxy is our bouquet.
Lie with me, turned from the weeds we willed away.
The stars bloom like flowers in my heart;
I pick one and it illuminates the infinite dark,
Just as your laughter.

The beast comes clawing to sabotage anything near;
Despite what it loves, despite what it holds dear.
I've no hunting rifle, only my rightful fear
That I do not know what to believe...
That there's no longer more than what appears.

Lies nearly spin themselves, like spiders in your teeth.
Suddenly we find myself beneath
You.
Revisit to what you've put me through.
Revisit to the dishonesty you swear to.
Distortions. Deceptions.
Even you don't know what's true.
Who are you?

Piddling drip drops lightly on the dew drops,
Never ceasing, never stops.
A love that never rots.
Love you now, loved you then,
Thanks for being my inspiration when
Nothing else takes the place of you.

If I had it my way, I’d spend my life with you.

If I had it my way, I’d marry you.
But to everyone, it’s “too soon.”

Guess I’ll be a lonely sick loon.
Drink away the hours in a rainy warm room.

I've never been good with words
Each thought is from lyrics heard
Losing myself in every piece
Till they all become a part of me
Or am I these things I've never written?
Only ideas that stir from somewhere hidden


Inside my own head, trapped, as my mouth works silently
Trying to speak, violently


I wonder what it's like to be somebody else
How hard is it to think for one's self?
I'm back at this familiar place
Yet nothing ever feels the same
Nothing ever feels the same


Have I just become you?
I've idolized everything you do
Every syllable you sing,
From the sound of your voice to your eyes shining.
My obsession is me
My obsession is me

And I must say,
It feels so good to be so lost.

I don't want to lose you to those dark nights
When the light
is just right
to begin your performance of just you

I know how it feels, it's happened to me too
No value
In rendezvous
It's a curtain call, I say my "adieu"

Yeah, you hurt me pretty badly
But I knew, we agreed,
This would never be easy
And it kills you,
It tears you apart
To know you've caused this damage
Right from the start

And it never goes
It never goes

Those bright days,
Sunshine rays
And neon shades
With me, with you,
One truth:
It's possible to feel this good again.

Those paling scars,
Both of ours,
Newborn bright stars
With me, with you,
One truth:
It's possible to have this gone again.

And it never goes
It never goes

I don't want to lose you to those dark nights
Black, once white
In the moonlight
Because there was never a stage, yet you wrote playwright

And it never goes
It never goes

A scene with me, a scene with you,
One truth:
It's possible to never know.

Every day I give up a little bit more.
I see the end so certainly.
There's nothing else to really live for.
It becomes easier to let go,
As I sit here alone
Writing about what I've wanted
And being worn of wanting more.
                                                           ­           Every day it gets a little easier
                                                          ­             To take another step forward.
                                                  Whethe­r or not I fall apart the later night,
                                                          ­           I still got through another day.
                                                            ­        I walk into a direction in which
                                                           ­                                 I can be proud of.
                                                             ­                 I have so much to live for.
                                                                   I've to keep opening new doors.
But I can't go without;
I can't lose it all again.
The pain is too much and it feels as if
I'd rather have nothing at all,
But the silence of death.
I would die where no one could see;
No one could know.
                                                  Every day I find love for the littler things.
                                            I appreciate so much more than I had before.
                                                         ­              I find brilliance in your smile.
                                                          ­   And I find motivation in your fight.
                                                          ­                 And inspiration in my soul,
                                                           ­                      So I keep taking control
                                                                ­            Of what I know I could be.
The world grows blacker every day.
People feel further and further away.
I used to belong--
I thought I did, anyway.
I never did though, and I know this the most.
I just wish I had chosen a better path so, so long ago.
Because people will not choose for you,
And it's okay if I go it alone.
                                                          ­       The sunrise still wakes me gently
                                                         And the small sound of your tugging.
                                                        ­                   I raise to a voice calling me.
                                                             ­                   When I go to it, I belong.
                                                         ­ Then I see the people around me too.
                                                         They've been waving this whole time.
                                                           ­         I didn't think it'd be so easy for
                                                                ­ The sleep to break from my eyes.
But the nights are the blackest of all.
I hear nothing but my thoughts.
They shake my shoulders violently.
They tell me, "Nothing is true
Nothing is sacred
Nothing is here for you."
And I am not here for anything.
The nightmares follow just the same.
                                                           ­              The morning still follows;
                                                        ­                      The sun will still come.
There is no love in those mornings,
But I am still here.
                                                           ­              The morning still follows.
But it does not matter anymore.
I can't be anything than what I am.
I cannot try anymore.
                                                        ­             But the morning still follows...
                                                      ­                                  And I am still here.

Keep me in your thoughts tonight;
It's all I've got to keep me tight.
I see a face that is not yours,
My eyes have swept along the floors.

I cannot find a single thing--
A familiar place or welcoming.
Untouched touch upon my skin
That never fails to drive me thin.

Keep me in your thoughts tonight;
You'll never know if I'm alright.
I'll think of you, dreaming too,
To make all nightmares be untrue.

As I wake in my sheets,
Aggravated anxiety.
Blue light peeks, reminding me of my impropriety
Of the night before.
Like the melted ice throne in the last layer of fire,
My thoughts agonize.
I became the prosecutor when I was the prosecuted liar.
These ordinary overcast mornings
Are my favorite to step in to.
The city smells ripe,
And I think of it with you.
But I will go to trace my patterns
Worn into my body.
Another weekday in which I tread.
Reading messages unread,
Apprehending what’s next.
Life doesn’t need explanation,
Only bread.
But I will stop to worry those worries
Worn into my body
And only hope there may come a palm to press into my spine
With a touch so fine to entwine
A belonging, a needing, into my mind.

"What's mine is yours,"

I wish I could fulfill your life with mine.
The feeling of two as one, nothing left undone,
Touch my things and leave oily prints.
Move them around; I'll find them again.
Or do you remember where you set it? I think you said you used it by the phone.

"My days are yours,"

The same sunrise glossing over slitted eyes.
They pull me in even when you've seen the worst in the night.
The shouting right beside me, or from the other room
As we go about routines, disturbing but not disrupting
It's okay with me, if it's okay with you?

The wicks have disappeared under the wax.
The strings only groan untuned noise.
The color has drained to desaturated blacks.
What is a flower with rotted petals if not a ****?
Nothing grows here, not a single seed.
Leave the wasted garden, place the candles in the drawer.
The piano's more desirable when it's not touched anymore.

It's rained every day this week.
I don't have what I did the last,
I'm not the same.
I think this may be another world;
It enveloped me, incautiously.
I did not see it coming--
Cool arms blurred my view and embraced me.
I opened.
My reflections are silvery, but I am not.
Everything is gray.
I don't hate it.
The sky's breath is cold
And I feel it soak through my clothes.
I set my umbrella down today and
I stood there. I closed my eyes.
I don't know who I am in this place,
But I feel okay.
I've lost, am lost, but little has changed.
I have not washed away.
Like storm clouds, I hold onto what's gathered around me.
I want to feel this ambivalent nothingness.

The rain brings new beginnings,
But now I must play the storyteller.

I spoke with you this morning.
You rolled off my skin and told me things were different.
I listened to you as you moved my hair.
You are gone now--
My solaces I surrendered to, or
Is this a sign that all things will continue to change?
I miss you, my gloomy comforter.
You were not gloomy to me.
Take away the sun that suffocates me so
Sadistically. Hydrating resuscitation.
It's silly that I still check for you outside my window.
I hear the ghosts of your afterthought.
When will you be back again?
I feel as if we could travel anywhere and be anything;
You veiled me in a misty blanket of intuition.
No one can speak our language but us.

Touch the flowers on my sundress as if you pick them from a field;
The field is my vast season-changing heart, and your hands are my ever-changing sun.
Pick apart the petals and touch my budding breast, I turn to ash.
Plant new, I burst into many colors that may not be my own.
But never try to harvest, never force my change.
You can love a potted flower, but I will never be yours.
The innocence of a white sundress, the dirt upon you when you rip my roots.
You may water me, I need you so...
But please know when my stem is weak,
And when my mind is through.
A flower does not know it's beautiful,
It never asked to be told so.
Keep your hands gentle, help me grow.
I only want to grow and bring golden sunflowers to your life.

You find humor in the darkest things,
But I can tell when you don't want me to see.
We are two little black birds, and you are so much larger than me.
You think your black hole has swallowed you whole,
You can't escape your role, you are part of my soul.

You teach me to keep flying,
Show me where the easiest path may be.
We have fallen to Hell--
Ah, no, actually... We are the Q U E E N S.

You've watched me all these years
And within those years never forgot me.
You've seemed so unchanging,
So strong, yeah, like black tea.
You give me a sturdy branch in which to always land.
You tell me there is nothing impossible,
If you'd be my sister... That'd be grand.

We are two little black birds trying to fly.
Life can be so unfair,
But you've taught me there's no law in the sky.
You fill me with everything I needed in a friend...
But still you know my worries that tell me it will end.
You take me to the top of a highest tree
And tell me candidly that I can just... Be.