Alvira Aug 10

it's a constant thought that i can't get out.
i want it to stop screaming out, filling my mind
at every waking moment, suffocating me
and stealing the good moments.

it won't stop. i want to think about life,
about my life, and my life with him. i don't
want the constant thought of what
everyone's lives would be like if i killed myself.

i know that it's because of the recent death,
but i'm afraid that deep down it's jealousy.
who am i to be jealous of a dead man who just
wanted life but was served death?

make it stop.
Alvira Aug 2

'the world is sad' we say
but is it? we are sad.
we are broken people,
broken by others who
couldn't think of another
way to hurt themselves.

we pretend that dreaming is
bad, because people who've
accepted the failure are afraid
of others repeating their mistakes.

we act like feelings are bad,
because when you show
your emotions, you're weak and
nobody wants to be seen as weak.

what if we stop pretending?
what if we start dreaming,
working hard to achieve our goals.
what if we stop hiding who we are?

for once, let's stop pretending and
be true to ourselves. dream. fight for
what you need. be the sunshine you
want in your life, and others will
reflect it.

it's time we stopped complaining and started trying.

i think i'm just tired of seeing people give up when they're so close.
Alvira Jul 27

nostalgia sticks as i try to stop thinking
listening to the intros to my favourite
animes that were more than just a
comfort for so many years.

i want to stop thinking, but i can't.
make it stop. i want to be okay.
make it stop. i'm tired of feeling
exhausted, tired of being depressed,
tired of being nothing more than a
robot to my anxiety and society.

now's my favourite intro. i'm listening,
trying to force myself to remember the
times i watched bleach with my sister,
trying to remember what the happiness
felt like.

make it stop.
please.

i can't take it anymore.
Alvira Jul 18

the memories won't go away
and i can't stop feeling like
you couldn't care less if i was here
or not.

it hurts that you couldn't care less,
that how i'm doing genuinely doesn't
matter. you're all up in your own head,
and when soemthing doesn't suit you,
you throw it away.

did i not suit you? did my depression get
the way of your night out?
you're throwing away 16 years of 'best friendship',
but part of me feels that i haven't mattered
to you in a long while.

i suppose it's your choice,
i'm tired of kissing your arse so that
i can call you my best friend.
it's your move.

it's funny because you hate her and she's been a way better friend in the past 2 years than you have in the past 12.
Alvira Jul 3

this is the story of a girl
who is conditioned to believe
that her achievements aren't worth
celebrating, because there are
others doing better than her.

this is the story of a girl,
who's afraid to talk in a group
because she's been conditioned
to believe that what she has to say
isn't worth adding to the conversation;
tired of having people talk over her.'

this is the story of a girl,
who's afraid to in the dark,
afraid that one of the horrors in her
mind have managed to crawl out
and haunt her.

this is the story of a girl,
who never feels like she's good enough.
a girl who tries her best with every
chance, but she's been conditioned
to believe that she can't do it.

this is the story of a girl,
who second guesses every opinion
that she shares, because she's been
conditioned to think that her opinion
is one of those that doesn't matter.

this is the story of a girl,
who feels like she doesn't matter,
because when she was reaching out,
desperate for someone to tell her that she
will be okay, nobody paid her attention.

this is the story of a girl,
who often loses hope, and always
find it difficult to regain it.

i never know what's safe anymore.
Alvira Jun 23

the transparent words fall out her mouth,
like they never belonged there.
she knows that she's running her mouth,
she knows these things aren't to be said.

her words scatter around the floor,
and her anxiety presses for her to fall
to her knees and collect the words
so that no one else can see her guts spilt.

she knows that nothing good can come
of this, and she knows it so well.
and yet, against her will entirely,
she's forced to say these things, because
without it, her depression would be bored
without being able to tear her apart.

i think that puts it into perspective.
Alvira Jun 23

i hide behind my fear
pretending to have control
i lie to myself, fighting to
believe that it is my will

who am i kidding?
i'm transparent glass
i don't want to admit it
i don't want anyone to see it

i've change my name on here again, because i'm stupidly, stupidly not wanting my words to be found; ironic since i'm an author.
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