the transparent words fall out her mouth,
like they never belonged there.
she knows that she's running her mouth,
she knows these things aren't to be said.
her words scatter around the floor,
and her anxiety presses for her to fall
to her knees and collect the words
so that no one else can see her guts spilt.
she knows that nothing good can come
of this, and she knows it so well.
and yet, against her will entirely,
she's forced to say these things, because
without it, her depression would be bored
without being able to tear her apart.
i hide behind my fear
pretending to have control
i lie to myself, fighting to
believe that it is my will
who am i kidding?
i'm transparent glass
i don't want to admit it
i don't want anyone to see it
i watch people throw those three words
around like they're nothing but decoration.
'i love you' spilling out in the middle of the night,
instead of 'thank you for listening'.
'i love you' instead of 'i like us',
because nobody wants to feel unloved,
and nobody wants to admit they're afraid
of being alone, of being forgotten.
so he says those words to her, trusting
that when she says them back, she'll mean them.
it seems that he hopes that when he says those words,
that she'll stay; that she'll continue to love him.
but what if, in the end, we're all lying?
what if we're all pinning those words in hopes,
hopes that they will stay, and we plaster on a smile,
hoping that they can love us, as we need.
broken and left behind, we pin our hopes
onto those three little words and we listen intently
for them to be said back. we seem to trust, all too much,
in the shared words.
but, when we find out that things won't work,
and the relationship crumbles, we struggle to be okay.
we lose the hope that someone can love us as we need,
we lose the hope that we can love as someone else needs.
my demons whisper to me
as i lie awake at night.
they tell me to put them
into words, immortalize
them between the pages
of a book.
but i am afraid that someone
will find them, that someone
will end up with them
in their own head, and i can't
imagine putting someone else
i can't go to a bathroom by myself,
the overcrowdedness sets me off
like a firework on new years.
the fear that bubbles inside,
panics me to the point
of not being able to breathe.
is this what my life is?
being afraid of being alone
in a crowded room?
is this what i have become?
a walking ball of anxiety,
afraid of merely existing.
it's a living hell.
why can't i just be okay?
i wish i was okay.
i'm going to fight for her
to keep her by my side
you don't deserve her;
her love, her effort, her dedication.
if break her again, or force
her into this kind of situation,
i'm going to take her from you
because she deserves happiness,
love, kindness and someone
who can stand up for her; who
will stand up for her.
i will take her from you,
because she is my sister,
my best friend, my soul mate mermaid.