I miss
the slow dances
the awkward glances
the heat of the chase
the pace to anticipate

as the world stops, unwinds
when you find
yourself
falling in love
for the first time.

trapped inside
the invisible cage
that confines me

coated in sweet vanilla
that satisfies their taste
plastered with beautiful images
that bring them comfort

but constructed with irons of
uncertainty
fear
shame
not what I really am

underneath it all
behind the wall
I'm still here
with the real

but I'm slowly losing
my might
to continue fighting
this fight

but all she wrote was
"be your true self"
nothing else
my first piece of advice
in this life she gave me
my only birthright

so something
must be done

find the key
tear down the wall
set your true self
free

(and be loud
make mama proud)

They said my lines were weak
So I learned not to speak
     I decided not to speak

Now the lines are stuck in my mind
Driving me insane
Stay in your lane

I'm a girl who loves to dance
Yet too afraid to give it a chance
Utterly bored with myself
Wishing to purely connect

Aching for
the courage
the tools
the words
To get out of this rut

All my ideas swirl into gray lines
That fill my mind
And fuel the emptiness
That keeps me from feeling alive
Left only with a penchant for pleasing

I just laugh it off
Then cry dry tears at night
Where did I go?
Can you see me?
I'm lost in the monotony
Can you save me?
Can I save me?

my legs are closed now
so it's all through to you

you say:
what a night
you're fantastic
well
that was fun
while it lasted

I say:
oh yeah
well
go on now
get gone

but despite my efforts
to deny it
to hide it

my young heart
is ripped open,
in two
because
it's through

wondering your answers
to the questions
left behind
in my mind

what's your middle name?
where do you take proper girls
on a first date?
am i just a flake,
full of hate?

do you have a favorite
cursive letter?
if you loved someone,
when would you tell her?

how will you make a living?
(certainly not by drinking)

does your mother know you're
a lying lush?
do you know that you're
a lousy ****?

will you remember me?
i hope to forget you soon
although it's doubtful
but i have to
to get my soul full
again

wondering the answers
until I indulge once more
and my heart is torn
into 4, then 8
until it disintegrates

I say:
go on
get gone
don't make
me late

Fantasy has always been
my Achille’s heel
You’re just an ideal
with *** appeal
Not real

A sticky note somewhere
Reminds me to be aware
of what’s next to do

Instead
my bad habit I pursue
Getting lost in a daydream
featuring you

We live on different continents
You don’t even know I exist
Yet I still imagine the
taste of your kiss

You’re so lovely
This isn’t reality
But I think
I’ll stay here awhile
Where I can smile
Where I never cry