i can't stand this pain any longer. i thought it would get easier but every minute i feel my heart ache even deeper than the moment before, even deeper than i thought was possible. i love being in love. love isn't supposed to happen from 200 miles away. it's strong enough that it does but there is a gaping hole in me that i'm afraid only a lesser distance can mend. it is unfortunate due to the improbability of any fixing. i just want to be held. i want to be in the arms of the only one who truly loves me. and i can't be and it hurts. my insides are screaming at me. and it hurts too hard to fight back. it's devouring my thoughts. i can't think about a ******* different thing. and you know that's how it should be. i think. i told myself love wasn't supposed to hurt anymore. but it does. it made me so fragile. why does something so good have to hurt so bad. it's hard. he's my rock. he's the only person i really have. not one to talk behind my back or keep secrets from me. friends seem to tend to do that. not this one. he's my best friend. and i have to settle seeing him on a ******* phone screen every night. i didn't realize how powerful one's touch could be. a bear hug can fix anything in the world. here i am struggling though with no arms around me. i'm happy with him. i know i am and i'm not clouded by anything. he and i really are perfect for one another. he treats me like a goddess. he knows my darkest secrets and he still kisses me back. he sees me at my worst and i'm still the last person he talks to at night. it's comforting to have a beautiful consistency in your life. it hurts to have it taken away from you. and it's not that i don't still have him. i do. his heart is with me right now in fact. but i feel like i'm being taunted. it's as if God is like ah here is the most magnificent, delicate, alluring thing you will ever have. but i'm going to put it far away from you. close enough that you can have just a taste but far away enough you don't really own it anymore. that's a lot harder than it sounds. i hate the people who question me needing to see him. "oh weren't you two together a couple weeks ago?" "aren't you going to visit in a few weeks?" oh yes pardon me. i have a difficult time not seeing my favorite thing everyday. i'm sure you would too. no one really gets it. not even other people in relationships. they don't feel what we feel. sure they feel some sort of bad pain but it's different than ours. often those people contemplate cheating and other *******. wow what a great relationship you two must have. that's the most ****** up thing about college. people think that's okay. if you want to be with someone else then why the hell are you just dragging someone you're supposed to care about down. that hurts to think about. that people genuinely think there is nothing wrong with cheating. you're a ******* ***** if you do cheat. if the love is strong enough you'll never even need to think about being with another person in your life. grow up. be decent. this turned into a rant but it's aimed towards my friend. i don't know how i'm expected to sit back and let people i care about make mistakes. then if i try to call them out on it i'm the bad person. of course no one wants to hear it. but that doesn't make what the person is doing okay. i'm so disappointed in people these days. i thought the world had a lot more good in it. it's hard to watch my faith in humanity slip away. few people keep up to how standards should be. i'm disappointed with a lot of things right now. i'm mostly disappointed with myself. i can't stay focused. i waste so much time. and i just don't care anymore. my heart doesn't want it anymore. it wants zach but i really mean it when i say that's it. it's hard pretending to want to stay at school. it's hard because i know how much happier i could be elsewhere. not even with him but anywhere that isn't ordinary scenery. i wish i wouldn't have been so ****** up the second half of high school so i could have made better decisions for myself. i'm really let down by who i let myself be. i don't have a real talent. sure i'm good at some stuff but there's nothing i thrive in. life got hard. and i thought it would be easier because i'm happy but i think whoever is up there likes tugging it away. i don't know. i think i'm still sad too. i think there will always be sad parts of me.
that's the only thing i've ever been really good at. sadness.
and where the hell do find a career in that. sure i could write and inspire people through the way i've felt but who the hell gives a **** about an average girl being sad. there are lots of average sad people out there. "not unique enough. next candidate please." i have no idea what the hell is going on with me. i was just genuinely happy this weekend. now i am sad again. i hope i don't get the real sads again. i probably still have them but who doesn't at this point. i just want to know why i'm here. and not just for the sake of love. i know i'm meant to do that. and sure no one really knows what they want to do with the rest of their lives but they at least have options. i feel like i don't. truly. i'm just not motivated enough. and i know i could be but i just don't care enough to force it on myself anymore. life hurts. i don't like that. i just want my heart to be happy and then maybe i'll be better again.

a girl can dream.

when i was younger,
i used to make these bucket lists.
in second grade we were learning about the fifty states and one day we were given a map of the united states.
we were to color the states that we had been to in red. and the states we wanted to go to were to be colored blue.
i distinctly remember having a map covered in a shade of the vast sea because for some reason back then i thought if i could see all these cool places i would better my person.  

i've been in many more than 50 states.
sadness. happiness. guilt. excitement. disgust. jealousy. frightenment. joy. exhaust. et cetera.
and a gross combination of each.
texas, rhode island, maine. those are all just divided in lines that different people claim they own. but in reality death is the only guarantee we have in life and that may seem crazy and some people may believe that they are immune to this curse. i'm here to assure you that you are going to die. and shortly after your name will never be found in mouths of people who once knew you but only be seen in past year books. and even then you'd be lucky to have your name recognized. along with your name, your possessions will no longer be known to you. the only thing you'll really ever have is yourself and i'm sorry for that.

i hate how much i crave being loved--
it just sounds like it would be something nice.

i'm trying so hard not care
but when we first met my heart was ice cold.
it took a couple years but that night we were cuddling together you warmed me up.
you melted me the whole way to my core.
so finally i had this heart that felt
at the time i didn't know it was a bad thing.
but i also had all this left over water.
luckily enough i had the chance to empty everything out when you cheated on me. let me assure you: i was empty.
but i couldn't resist going right back to you because i missed my source of heat.

everything was different then but for a little we pretended like we were just the same. you couldn't handle it any longer so you cut me off.
that was that.

i'm still so cold and trying to recover.
but spring is just around the corner and hopefully i can turn over a new leaf too and make something of this year.
{i was out in the snow last night.}
all i need is the sun i'm thinking because these seeds of happiness you never tended to might sprout into something beautiful.
hopefully a rose-- pretty enough to admire but painful enough to shy away from touching.


*i still have plans to move far north because i think part of me will always want you to come back.
but i hope now i've gathered enough layers to manage on my own.
i know you'll never ask which is probably a good thing because i always had a hard time saying no.

through these paper thin walls i can hear the ticking of my brother's fan. a constant sound that i wish i couldn't hear. but it sounds a little bit like water dribbling on my window right at the end of the storm. and i am enraged with anger because all i want is the real thing. i'm sick of all this fake ****; it's reminding me too much of the people around me. but that's my own fault.
the pattern of the clicking sounds so **** natural. kind of like the way your lies fell out of your mouth like a waterfall-- rushing and your water (or words) were trying so hard to pull me under.  i think it worked. what i'm trying to get at is i miss the real thing. i still want you to touch me even if it is with those cold, harsh waters.
i feel like i haven't felt a splash of cool water on my face in months. and maybe i haven't. we were at our peak in the worst of the winter and it seemed like everything between us just froze. and with the fragile touch of your brutal hands,, you broke everything.

maybe if we're lucky when the sun comes out everything will melt and something will flow between us again.

i can't tell if a bird is happy or sad while he/she is chirping. and i kind of find peace in that because that means even sad things can be beautiful.

please go away.
i'm genuinely getting annoyed with you.
i'm starting back to my old ways and i think i'm more disgusted of who you are now than who you were then.
at least back then you were a good person and i was just a *****.
oh how the tables have turned.

but seriously please just leave.
it's annoying as **** that i have to see you first thing in the morning.
yes, i see you. i'm not blind, *******.
and it's kind of getting old how you show up in my dreams.
******* you out every night is not as fun when it's a continuous occurrence.

please go away.

you act like something that comes out of an ***.

always use a ******;
you would be a horrible father.

i can't believe you can say such cruel things to someone that you once loved.

but honestly what does a ******* know about feelings?

let's take a walk.
a walk back to history.
yes i'm aware that's in the past and clearly the past means nothing to you but at one point it did so please at least pretend to be attentive.

well we can start with
the day we met.
oh did you think that was something i could forget?
don't try telling me you don't know what i'm talking about-- we're both well aware of your memory.

kennywood park.
somehow both of our groups met up and we got to talking. only small chit chat. we ended up riding the phantom together. i pretended to be forced into it but not gonna lie i liked you. you made me feel something.
at the time that ****** me off. having a feeling made me mad. keep in mind i was a ******* then.
you liked me too. i knew it and that made me even more upset. i was a ***** to its truest definition. you liked me at my absolute worst.
at one point i was so awful that i finally pushed you away. honestly, i was upset that you stopped trying but i was in even more shock that you tried in the first place-- i mean, look at me. (i know you can't bare to anymore so i'm sorry.)
after my ***** phase, you were long gone and i pretended not to notice but here i am still telling you about it.
i hit rock bottom. i was in the middle of the ocean and i was touching some sort of ground and let me tell you it was deep but i guess mentally i had a choice in it all. i didn't mean to choose depression but i guess i must have. by the way i am an awful swimmer and i knew that diving in but maybe i wasn't hoping to come out alive.

so anyways, yes i was sad all of the time and no i could never figure out an answer of why. i tried to blame it on my friend dying and sometimes the way other people treated me but let's be honest here, i deserved all of that and truly i was just ****** up. still am though. but in that darkness of it all sometimes i got to see this little bit of light. i started to realize that you were often there when this light was on.
this one night we were at a fire together and it's funny because something else sparked between us and we had our own fire. ours lit up my dark room and **** it was nice to see again.
we kept talking and talking and more led to more and then we got into some deep **** but i wasn't scared of the deep end anymore because i knew i could trust you.
oh my. when you asked me on our first date i couldn't even handle it anymore. even my darkest corners were radiating with happiness. i had absolutely no temptation to go back down under.
and thank you. thank you thank you thank you. seeing above the water was so nice. i finally got a taste for life instead of salt water. and i was addicted. completely obsessed. i know you noticed it because you knew it wasn't a game anymore and maybe that's where i started to lose you.
i actually have no ******* clue where i lost you i'm just kind of on this guess and check process. and it's really ******* hard. i guess i'm good at math but only when it's equations and **** that makes sense but honestly i've used every reference sheet i've been given to try and figure this one out and i can't ******* get it. it's been bothering me. i can't stop scratching at my skin and pulling out my hair. i don't even mean to. i don't start to pick up on what i'm doing until an hour later and it starts to burn. but that's fine i can manage that. what i'm asking for you is some sort of clue. i need an answer jake and i don't know how much longer i can take until i go back under. i know i can't rely on you as my floatation device but i've found some stand-in replacements for the time being. i'll be okay. please just give me your solution. i am officially begging you i need this. i know you don't care about me anymore but i know you once did so please help me out just one last time.
i know you aren't who you were anymore because time changes us all but come on help a ******* girl out. i used to be your favorite girl in the world. doesn't that mean anything to you anymore? i guess not.
i can feel these floaties beginning to lose air and honestly i don't know how much i care. i think i'm starting to go back under. i'm pretty sure i told you i can't swim well. i'm sure you remember. maybe you're beginning to form a selective memory to try to forget everything behind us. i know. i'm trying too but this is definitely a scenario of easier said than done.
my goodness i forgot how much i liked the taste of salt water and i really do enjoy this darkness. i guess this is goodbye..

*side note: you loved me through a lot, jake. and thank you. you've changed me as a person and i can say i have no regrets. but you loved me through my worst and to my best. but then you started going downhill. you're changing and that's all okay i understand. but you loved me at rock bottom and now that you're just in a little bump you expect me to leave? i pushed you away at one point and then you came back and look at what blossomed between us. i don't know where to go. i know i can love you through this but i'm not sure if you actually want me to. you're so much stronger than me and mentally you could deal with all of my havoc but my biggest weakness is how i think of myself so i don't know how much longer i can stick around. i'm sorry. please give me something to work with.

on our first date,
we planted a seed.
everytime we talked about how much i liked you,
i watered it.
everytime we talked about how much you liked me,
you gave it your sunshine.
you were always so happy--
you were glowing and gave light to anyone who needed it. i miss that.
everytime we were together we made sure that the soil was fresh enough.
it wasn't that often but it was still enough.
a few times i was at our plant and i guess you were too. i would start checking to make sure we, i mean the plant, were okay and you came over but really only to look.
by the end of it i was the only one that got my hands ***** and i was okay with that because i know we, i mean it, became a hassle.
you kept looking and looking. i didn't mind-- didn't think much of it really. but then one day my phone rang and i looked out my window and saw us, i mean the tree, i mean our tree, and i saw you there with an axe. i knew it couldn't be good. you chopped our relationship right off, i mean that plant. i tried running out and watering it with my tears but i think i just overwatered it. it didn't help there wasn't anymore happiness in our relationship, i mean sunshine for it.

sometimes i'll think about how we, i mean how it, used to grow so well. but it was our, i mean its, time to go… i guess.

now what used to be a beautiful relationship, i mean tree, is six feet under. and i'm really hoping to make a permanent visit soon.