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Natasha 6d
every time I see you,
I fall in love with you again.

your high cheekbones,
to the dark curls tumbling down your forehead.

from the sparkle in your eyes,
and the warmth of your smile.

your arms that have carried me hundreds of miles,
thy spirit within, the one of a child.

you make me crazy,
you make me loved
you make me wild.
The title is of a cutesy little chillpop song heh
He reminds me of what that song feels like
Like late spring during sunset, with all of the pretty smelling flowers.
The year he was gone was the one year I didn't smell them.
I hope to smell them this year, with him by my side once again.
Jan 31 · 342
Decide
Natasha Jan 31
So do it--decide.

Is this the life
you want to live?
Is this the person
you want to love?
Is this the best you can be?
Can you be stronger?
Kinder? More compassionate?
Decide.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
and decide.
Grey's Anatomy
Jan 31 · 101
Old
Natasha Jan 31
Old
I miss parts of being a child
the endless days with not a care in the world
the simple clothes and bike rides
on back roads where grass grew so long it curled

in the gentle breezes of June afternoons,
or seeing the neighbourhood cats stalk,
& lay on warm side walks for their
mid day snooze.

or summers by the lake,
being in the sand and sun until late
there was no tomorrow, no yesterday
just then, there, today.

parents, and grandparents and aunts and uncles
still full of laughter, life, love and light.
as they aged, their lights fade
each day, they become more grey.
smiles strained, and eyes foggy
memories of their newborn babes.

it's all so strange.

it happens to all of us

the circle of life

we're born, we live, we die.

I just never knew to treasure all those long summer nights,
all of those days wasted away
not thinking of the future,
just what we were going to do today.
I've been way too busy/happy to write. usually, I write when I'm sad lol. I was talking to my sister today and we started talking about life.
Just made me kinda think through things.
sigh. who knows anymore.
Dec 2018 · 260
past the end of time love
Natasha Dec 2018
the greatest things come from love,
I've witnessed whole miracles stem
from the fact that somebody
had someone to love them.

with love we find happiness,
sorrow, passion, intimacy, friendship,
willingness to give
willingness to be vulnerable, be our one true self.

there are different types of love,
romantic, friendship, the love of a mother to her child.
all bold and beautiful
all willing to risk it all for one another, without trial.

the way I love you is complicated,
simple words don't do it much justice.
but if I know not a single thing else in the world
I know enough to trust this.

if disease came rampant,
and locusts ate all of the trees tonight
if bombs rocked the sturdy walls of our houses
and shook our fragile perception of life

if the waves came to swallow the continents
and fires burned forever in the sky
if everything we know starts falling apart around us

the only place I'd want to be
is by your side.
Dec 2018 · 241
sick
Natasha Dec 2018
I cry for all the nights I spent without you
The nights I missed you, still linger deep within my heart.
Even now, it feels as if you’re still gone sometimes.
But don’t worry I’m fine
It’s all just tricks in my mind.
I suppose we both learn things
As we make our paths in time.

I just hate to say that I’ve missed
Any hours with you
That I was absent for the moments
In which you needed arms around you.

That you were ever not okay
That your knees trembled to the ground
That you were ever sad
And I was nowhere to be found.

I’ve let not only you, but myself down.

It’s my cross to bear, what happened
I’ll wear it with sadness and shame
And carry it through the dark, quiet night
Or through the thunderous pouring rain.

Until the day, sunshine breaks way
And I can forget all that happened yesterday
Until I can look in your eyes
And not let guilt break my gaze

Until you believe that I am willing to fight
For you, for us, for everything
Until my dying day.

I love you.
And that, is here to stay.
Just some 2am emotional stuff I don’t know what it even means
Dec 2018 · 215
quiet snow
Natasha Dec 2018
set back in order
life at peace
warmth within, chilly nights
coloured lights and fast heartbeats.

close your eyes
let’s reset
and move forward
where we left.

the days get shorter,
like 4 years ago
we’ll wrap ourselves within one another
in wake of the quiet snow.
Natasha Dec 2018
I used you as a distraction from what was going on in my life, my heart has been taken since December 28th, 2014- not being honest with you, I will apologize for that.
and I apologize to the next person you end up being with because they don't know what's coming.
For their sake, I hope they're stronger than me.

I will not apologize
for how you broke me
how you manipulated me
how you made me feel that I was literally worth nothing sometimes
how you held my past over my head any chance you got
how you used my past addictions to pigeonhole me into something that I'm not.
I will not apologize for the fact that I couldn't take your mood swings, that I couldn't handle being told "that I would never be worth love because of all of my baggage" or that "every single other person I've been with was trash" that "you were the best that I could ever get, because everybody EVERYBODY loves you".

I will not apologize for staying longer, because you emotionally manipulated me into staying far past what I wanted to. You told me that I was "the one", that I could help save you that I could fix you that without me you would be broken forever. I never asked for that role, you tossed it onto me knowing that my caring nature would just accept it. You're a leech, looking for your next host to latch onto.

I will not apologize for not fixing you
in exchange for breaking myself.

I will not apologize for standing up for myself in the end, putting my foot down and leaving.

I will not apologize for the times you've cried and begged me to stay because only moments earlier you were threatening to leave me.

I will not apologize for my actions after or calling you as I see you.

A poisonous wasp dressed as a butterfly.

I will not apologize for the hurt you've caused me, for the mental trauma I am still going through after opening up to such a toxic person like you.

I will not apologize if you ever read this,
or read or see anything you don't like.
or if I ever pretend that you don't exist anymore.  

I will not apologize for the fury inside me. The sheer anger I feel towards myself to be so FOOLED into thinking you were any different. For being so ******* blindsided to the monster you truly are. For thinking you were different. You coated yourself in such a sugary sweet syrup only to reveal the bitter rotted core within.

I will not apologize for my lack of empathy because you have none towards anybody but yourself.

I will never, ever, EVER
apologize
for leaving.

I will never apologize for having to pick up the broken pieces of my self-esteem after I was in such a good place.

Why?

Because I will never get those nights back where I was crying from my very core over something I couldn't control.
I will never get the last 6 months of my life back where I felt completely and utterly powerless to do anything for fear that you would do something reckless or hurt me even more.
I will never. Never. Never. Get the memories, the places, the time wasted with you back.

I'm so angry, this isn't a poem, and I'm not ******* sorry.

I never will be.
Dec 2018 · 104
Untitled
Natasha Dec 2018
the moon, painting me in his glow

I, a moth to that flame
Nov 2018 · 165
sunrise, sunset
Natasha Nov 2018
everything will be alright
though I miss sleeping in your arms every night
I doze, mind floating like a kite
anyways, I'll see you in my dreams
for the rest of my life.

and I'm sorry,
if I get sad sometimes.

my heart aches for the moments we lost,
trying to figure ourselves out in time.

you're the part of me I didn't know
I was missing until I found you

you're the horizon to my sunrise
over a field fresh with dew.
I'm the sunset,
to your ocean, stretched so far, and so blue.

The sun would still exist without the horizon,
beating down hot and bright

and the horizon,
would still stretch faithfully
across the unwavering sky.

yet, without the sun
the horizon serves as an
indistinct dark line.

without the horizon,
the sun wouldn't reach its full beauty
of purples, pinks, and oranges in the sky.

This is why I cry,
for the moments I wish I was there
for all of the sunrises
in your warm arms

and all of the lost sunsets
in your eyes.
Nov 2018 · 166
dawn
Natasha Nov 2018
the comfort of linen,

smoke & ***** mirrors

cracked porcelain

yet my vision has never been clearer

a man needs a maid,

on this harvest moon

like a beautiful bluebird

she'll come flying home to you.

whether the sky dull,

hypothetical

or falling one cloud at a time

just simple chords,

I am yours

and you will always

be mine.
neil youngxtragically hipxmexu
Nov 2018 · 169
castaway
Natasha Nov 2018
cast out to sea,
caught on a rock
with waves crashing around me.
we used to sail,
we used to rise
we used to float on waters, endless
ebb and flow with the tide.
but as the storm approaches,
my thoughts grow weary
the compass points in all directions
we both jump ship in fear of steering.
I'm stranded, wet and cold
in a storm of sadness, confusion, anger
it has come the time, for us to decide
are we a lifeboat or an anchor?
Oct 2018 · 681
A Look Inside Depression
Natasha Oct 2018
I feel nothing is stable anymore
I went from shuttered entrances
to a room full of swinging doors.

All I want to do is hide my face
and curl up in a ball
as not to face the raging storm.

Shingles rip menacingly from the rooftop,
glass shatters through the window panes
my hair caught in the cross winds,
my skin misted by inevitable torrential rain.

It all happens within

For outside I feign
happiness, progression
"you're doing amazing!"
my former demons victim to my succession.

But that's the funny thing about depression,
you can have everyone around you convinced
that you are so very okay,
that nothing could happen that would make your emotions sway.

But inside,
you're living within the eye of the storm
just trying to survive another day.
#nationalmentalillnessday
Sep 2018 · 194
Black
Natasha Sep 2018
I'm so low
I wish I could say it's unfamiliar
but this place is like my old home;

here I reside and within it
a part of me dies,
every single second I spend
trapped here alive.

Everyone is thinking forward
and here I am trapped in my head
sleep, the sparse hours I receive
are the closest thing to comfort I get.

I wish I could just stay in bed.

I don't wanna die, not yet
no, not yet.
I just want to live a day where my bones don't feel like lead.

And my muscles don't feel like they'll contract
so suddenly,


and **** me on their own accord.

Or that my organs won't turn black
and start oozing from my every pore.
So when you ask me what's going on
I'll say, I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm bored.

But in reality, I'm hurting
every part of me is sore.

Please don't worry,
and please don't stress.
I hate to see you cry.
Don't stay for me,
you'll be stuck here forever
I'm just waiting to die.
Sep 2018 · 172
coping mechanism
Natasha Sep 2018
empty

nothingness

numbness

I have

succumb to

what I've learned

from early on.

Numb yourself

when the hurt

is too strong.

Numb yourself

when you

feel like

you can no

longer go on.

Numb yourself

so you can

pretend you're

strong.

Numb yourself

so you can

last, just another day

Numb yourself

so you don't

have to die

today.
Sep 2018 · 386
frozen
Natasha Sep 2018
sometimes it feels like

I have so many people around me
but I am so alone.

that I am happy and healthy,
but I feel disease creeping through my bones.

that I want to run
but my body is heavy and numb

I'm so hot
I'm too cold

I'm too young to die
but too unsure to be old

like being trapped in a bubble
panicking, wanting free

trying to ground myself
in some sort of familiarity.

lump in my throat
body twitching in bed

how can I feel too alive
yet feel
so dead.
my fingers stumble and shake as I type this
Sep 2018 · 284
Spin
Natasha Sep 2018
crushed
by the immense weight of
expectation; I’ve come too far
to turn back now.

or to stay stagnated, where I am.
this halfway house of
purgatory, grasping at mere
fibres of the future I so very wish to weave,
but my attempts are futile
I am unable to get a grip.
rope burn bites at my hands,
slip, bleed, slip.  

The options are so endless,
yet so limited by none other
than myself.
I preach,
believe in yourself. love yourself.
go for your dreams and don’t let them slip away.
but these are simply words I say.
I preach one thing and
I practise another.
hypocrisy, doubt’s dutiful brother

fan others flames yet ignore mine being smothered.
by my own hands, none other.

at least I have you,
the single being on this earth
that believes in me.
I don’t know why
I don’t know how it came to be.
that you are the one soul that truly pushes me towards my dreams.
you don’t let me give up
you don’t allow me to claim victim, be smothered by this monster surrounding me,

not mother or father
but me, it’s me.
the monster is me
don’t you see?
I’m the one who doesn’t believe.
I’m the one whose stopping me
I’m the one whose keeping me down and doubting myself and writing myself off before I even put pen to paper and make myself worse off.

You are like
a fallen angel
lifting me on
your broken wings

not to save me,
but to let me go
and catch me again
like a bird
teaching her
baby to fly.

you,
are trying to help me realize

that I have wings too,
if I’d just open my eyes.
that you can still fly
and be scared of heights.



3 am passes
another day approaches
pointless moments surrounded by
expressionless
wilting roses.

I’ll fight the urge to
give up, even if it feels like
I’m not winning
because


the clock will pass 4 am
and the world will keep spinning
I’m so grateful he believes in me. Even when my family doesn’t. He believes I can do what I want to do. He puts everything into perspective for me. I don’t know how he helps me so much with such simplicity.
We got to spend the weekend together.
It was so nice
Sep 2018 · 1.3k
high tides
Natasha Sep 2018
even with oceans between us,

       I’ll swim against the tide
            to lie
               against
                 your heartbeat

once again.
Aug 2018 · 405
black
Natasha Aug 2018
it's going to be a long day
long night
long morning
whats the difference
if you don't


sleep



anyways.
Aug 2018 · 1.5k
stopping the demon
Natasha Aug 2018
paralyzing.
a black hole ******* me in
nausea creeps in waves starting in my stomach
hot then cold
and sweating
I can't get comfortable
I can't bear it.
I gag and *****
until there's nothing left
but something claws me to
dizzying spells anyways.
I cry to spill the fears inside
but none the less they continue to reside.
I travel wearily through the evening
just to find a hopeful feeling
I am met with,
all the more nothing.
so why move? I stay rooted in
a single position,
waiting for it to find me.

but my hearts in my throat and I'm starting to choke
on the nothingness that surrounds me.
I can't breathe,
I find no solace in sleep.
This must be the final chapter.

(II)

I suppose it makes sense,
I'm so broken
beyond repair anyway
what's the point?
my paint is peeling
my walls are cracking
my floorboards creak with every step
I'm a mess
I'm a wreck
no really, save yourself
leave me dead.

you don't have to stay
just do me one last favour?
put a gun to my head
paint the walls with blood and lead
and take my pain away.
you'd probably relish in the fact that you've finally killed the demon inside me, or perhaps in yourself too. Congratulations. two birds, one stone
Jul 2018 · 304
Liar Liar
Natasha Jul 2018
just say it,
you don't want me like I want you
you slip between my fingers
like sand,
I start to grip
and you slip right though
until all I'm left with
is little grains of you.

you'd walk away,
and never turn back
you'd forget about me almost instantly
cut me off, delete me from your life

in fact,

I wouldn't be surprised if you've already started
had your fun before you departed
and now, like weaning an infant off
a mothers breast
slowly and surely,
you'll put this to rest.

you say you love a writer but
these words could never be true
for you don't want me,
like I want you.
my other names for this poem were "trust?" "honesty?" and "you don't want me". relevant
Jul 2018 · 255
quiet
Natasha Jul 2018
Silence,
beautifully cherished between soundless glances
or love locked eyes
of after sheet trances.
for you once said to me,
“silence my dear,
is not the absence of sound
but the presence of something else.”
both capable of taking me to my greatest heavens,
or paving my quiet path to ****
this fact and uncertainty both
fills me with joy
and frightens me to my very core.
for it feels as if you’ve taken my words for nothing but fairy lore.
yet, I stay mute
I’ll sew my lips shut
stuck in this purgatorial
entrenched rut-
deafened,
by the screaming silence.
Jun 2018 · 582
every little life
Natasha Jun 2018
we pick flowers because we like them displayed how we please
not how they truly grow.
what gives us a right to stop their life?
to watch them slowly droop to a wilting death
for our own personal pleasure.

so, let's blossom and sprout our small vines
and maybe we'll intertwine along the way.
we'll sustain as long as we can in this vase
as our petals slowly fall away.

and our water in dry, and our stems shrivelled up.
I'd rather die with you, two withered blossoms
than be the one who decides
which stems to cut.
Jun 2018 · 291
Follow this lovely writer
Natasha Jun 2018
Give some love, follow a friend & wonderful new writer

https://hellopoetry.com/DBongos/


x
May 2018 · 350
In Passing
Natasha May 2018
The rain puddles in the cracked city pavement, a drowning vision of striking familiarity. Nostalgia encasing those mulling over their Earl Greys in coffee shops. A wooden stir dissipates the bubbles in the steaming liquid, contrasted by the cool droplets streaking down the ordinary windows. As breathing slows, eyes lock deep in thought upon the bustling, grey castle streets. She slows as she steps to the sidewalk, meeting a gaze before they realize. Her face like snow, her lips like two tiny rose petals just starting to push from their blossom. Her eyes as dark as they are deep, rounded and child-like. Coming to, the strangers been locked on one another for just half a second longer than deemed socially acceptable. She breaks stare, adjusts her bag; and with her hooded head to the ground, makes her way past the old coffee shop.
May 2018 · 431
Surrounded by Nothings
Natasha May 2018
the shadows dance on the spot you left
indented in the mattress
a reminder of its emptiness.
we destroyed ourselves in the nick of time
to sell our souls to the new age
and uncover all the sins we wished to find.
the wind shakes the trees and my bones
our bodies no longer a place we call home
through trouble and turmoil
you'd think we'd have grown
but instead, we're trapped
in crowded bars, streets and houses
alone.
Apr 2018 · 316
Just Feelings
Natasha Apr 2018
Instead of counting sheep,

I'm counting all of the sleepless nights

I'm alone with my bleeding heart

and aching feet.

and all of the mornings, where I

wake up and I can't breathe

where the sun streams in through my window panes

and I can't bear the stifling inferno of my own sheets.

I'm drowning inside, and I'm burning all over

and I can't stop.

I'm slowly wasting away.

I'm only breathing just to prove I can live another day.
I'm sorry I couldn't be any better than I was
Apr 2018 · 296
third degree
Natasha Apr 2018
you are the flame
I'd burn myself with
over and over again
Apr 2018 · 515
she loves him
Natasha Apr 2018
she loves him,
              &  he loves her
and not time or space
or catching glances
from arm & arm linked
couples disturbing the twittering birds
could halt that.

for, she loves him.
and he loves her.
Mar 2018 · 17.7k
Why I Write
Natasha Mar 2018
I could never tell you
exactly what's going on inside my head,
so I'll write instead.
Drown my thoughts in paper & lead.
Keep my hands alive,
and my expression dead.
Mar 2018 · 375
skin & bone/all alone
Natasha Mar 2018
I can't deal with this suspension
animated friction, frozen for the meantime
within the imaginary societal lines.
Sustenance within intimacy,
hangs in fragmented impermanence
as a reminder to us all
we are all victims of the human condition.

Even with memories etched within
aged smile lines, or experience
burned across cataract eyes, we cannot escape
no matter how we may try
the barrier concrete- our human mind.

In death, we struggle with our
own feeble understanding,
we lack the ability of total comprehending.

We enter this world,
soft, vulnerable- exposed
we exit this world,
in paper thin skin
stretched over fragile bones.

Regardless of the connections
we may form as we grow
we come as we go,
are born, and in likeness die,

alone.
we come as we go
Mar 2018 · 696
trains
Natasha Mar 2018
I fall,

   too fast                

I jump

                    too high                

I stop

before I                

reach



the sky                



I feel

too deep              

I say

too much              

and
sometimes,

I don't say            

quite

enough.


imagine,

running after
the two o'clock train
at two o'three

in the pouring rain

thinking of
all the places
you have
to be...

you keep pace,

with your shoes
hitting the
puddled pavement

wondering where
all that
time went

still thinking
maybe


you can catch it.



loss of a dream,
it steams away.

so you slow,

your smile fades.

your hands grow cold.

and faces age.

year after year,
stuck at
two o'three
watching
passing trains
in the pouring rain,

wondering,
when your time
will be.
mm
Mar 2018 · 304
Busy
Natasha Mar 2018
Hi guys I see I have lots of inboxes just give me a little bit to respond to you guys I’ve been super busy lately xo ps you guys are lovely
Mar 2018 · 214
Supernova
Natasha Mar 2018
I could give you honesty
every piece of me.
Tear apart my soul in one
beautifully disturbing masterpiece.
I could slumber with the sky forever
and cuddle with the stars
surrounded by nothing but universal void
I promise darling I won’t drift far
Black holes and satallites a friend to me
the sun my neighbour, and the moon dancing in my dreams
and all the planets,
within this, and every galaxy
hold each their own significance
every single one a small part of me.
You’ve pricked me slightly,
so just maybe you’ll see
the constellations my soul will bleed.
I can’t format on my phone
Natasha Feb 2018
I don't want to talk about what school I go to, or what program I'm in. I don't want to talk about how I work in retail part-time or how busy I am. I don't want to discuss where I'd go on vacation, or what I hope for in the future. These conversations are just spoken in order to have a response, I say my piece and ask "what about you?". You'll take a deep breath and start on where you started in school and how you're stuck right now in this dead-end job but you swear- you swear that you'll know when the time in right to make a move in the right direction. You'll say you want to go to Thailand, and Dubai because of the cultural experience, but you'll never actually make it there. I don't want to talk about my family, what my mother or father does for a living. I don't need your compliments on how highly I was brought up, how perfect my life must've been. I don’t want to sit there and agree with you, and smile and giggle and say “I know, that’s why I’m different.” The funny part is you’ll think I am. When I get to know you, you’ll show me vulnerability- you’ll launch into some story of how even though you had friends and everything was completely fine you never fit in. On how your grandparent’s death affected you, or your parents divorce or moving cities. And you’ll look into my eyes, wanting sympathy, compassion and understanding. Because, you know its there, I give it freely to anyone who needs it. But after its over and through, once you’ve told me… that’s it. That’s who you are, that’s all there is to you and when I ask you what you’re thinking all you’ll say is nothing. Nothing. Even when you’re thinking something. I don’t want that anymore. I want someone to converse with me about what’s beyond our limited human level of understanding, I want someone to be honest about who they are and what they feel and I want someone to look at themselves as a work in progress instead of a completed artwork with chips in the paint, for once. I want someone who will look out onto the ocean and sky and see what I see. Someone who will explore what could happen if we simply, suddenly just lost gravity. If we all fell into the sky, if we all just suddenly choked in space and died. I want to explore if we’d see one another on the other side. I want to lay in a field and listen to the wind in the grass. I want to feel the earth beneath my back and smell the warm fragrance from nearby lilacs. I want to be purely myself and not harbour any judgement, I want to love freely and openly without any punishment. I just want some sapience and a soul connection. Maybe I’m just asking for too much, or the universe just wants to teach me a lesson.
just a rant
Feb 2018 · 202
Untitled
Natasha Feb 2018
*******
**** everybody
**** that
**** this
*******.
*******.
*******,
and you
and you.

*******
Feb 2018 · 322
float
Natasha Feb 2018
if you love me,
please realize
there's more to what I say
you just have to look
behind my eyes.

for words uttered on my lips,
and written from my fingertips
may be misconstrued by
societal pressure and expectation,
but these baby blues tell no lies.

and if I love you?
you will know.
you'll feel me deep within your soul,
you'll find me peaking out beneath warm sheets
and laying dormant in grey streets.

you'll feel me catch in your throat,
like whiskey or cigarette smoke
or within the ushering sense of calm
patchouli and sage emotes.

ash to ash,
among waves and wind we'll float,
high above the rain and treetops
for tonight, the world is our ocean,
and the clouds our boat.
kinda rough. just tryna get words out
Feb 2018 · 449
namaste darling
Natasha Feb 2018
my soul laughs with yours
the light in me sees the light in you
my fire burns your forests down
your breezes guide me to feelings
with which
I know not what to do.

I have no possession or jealousy
I have no sense of worry
Simply joy and curiosity
when I think of you.

So peculiar,
like sand slipping through my fingers
or wading through calm, open oceans
underneath a full moon.

I can sink or float if I chose to but yet,
I still cannot grasp you.

So I'll sit back,
and enjoy the view
for what we have is beautiful.
very at peace with my sense of self right now and where I am situationally.
Feb 2018 · 341
seashell
Natasha Feb 2018
an empty shell
left uninhabitable
along the shore
of a barren beach.
where happiness
used to flow
and people used
to go, to be with
those they
cherish deep.

all that is left
is the cool
grey sand,
the icy ocean
waves, lapping
at my hardened
exterior. No,
I will never let
you in, I will
never let anyone
in again.
Sometimes I just want to close myself off and die.
Jan 2018 · 370
drift
Natasha Jan 2018
apart from me
a part of me
you lay-
somewhere in between.
floating oh so
carefully, in
a neutral, languid
purgatory.

as you speak, your
words float past,
here today
and gone so fast.
tell me, dear
which conversation
will be our last?

not that I care,
I simply don't
have the energy to.
besides,
it doesn't mean
that much to me
to mean that
much to you.

though down
the rabbit hole
I go
and the other side
breaking through.
for Alice doesn't
concern herself
over the
attention she
garners from
a mere shrew.
here there and everywhere, nobody in particular and everyone at the same time
Jan 2018 · 325
Goodbye
Natasha Jan 2018
I miss the old you.
I wish I could still
Be allowed to hold you
Close in my arms on
Sunday mornings
And feel you kiss my
Neck late Friday nights.

I wish I could still
Hold your arm going
Into a restaurant at night
I wish I could still
Tell people that I was yours
And you are mine.

But that’s not what life has
In store for us right now.
For when I left you is when
You truly showed your power.
When you truly started
Taking care of yourself
And loving yourself unconditionally
And to me that’s worth
More than anything
I’d feel so selfishly.

I’m not trying to say it
Was all sunshine
And rainbows
It wasn’t.
But just your body
And heart
Wrapped around mine in the dark
Is a feeling I’m accostomed

Goodbye baby
Are you feeling crazy
Like me
Goodbye baby
I’ve been losing
My mind
Lately.

The worst goodbyes
Are the ones
That you know
You could’ve stopped
Hungover maybe still drunk ranting stuff
I hate this feeling. I just wanna numb myself so bad.
Jan 2018 · 3.2k
good pain
Natasha Jan 2018
pain,
pain is a rush
pain lets me
feel things
I normally don't.
I'm a sucker for it
bruise me
beat me
take advantage of me.
pain flows through my nerves
into my brain and lets me
forget all of
the things
weighing down my day.
pain gets me off
pain makes me lose myself
in euphoria and feeling
and being
human in a raw
uncensored
regal sense
now if only
I could find somebody
willing to give me
what I want.
****.... so hard to find a dom
Jan 2018 · 304
heartless
Natasha Jan 2018
we find
in time that
nothing really changed
it's just rearranged
the same picture
painted a thousand
different ways.
in our core,
we stay the same.
falling back on
old habits,
nursing old insecurities
to reiterate the
sad truth
of each of our realities.

oh to be free of
such a human condition
to be free of such
thoughtless repetition
and maybe,
I'd be more mindful
less heartless
in my decisions.
Jan 2018 · 144
run
Natasha Jan 2018
run
I'll run away
run away
from any
type of
comfort.
I'll stay
to get
the small
piece of
serenity
that I need
to make it
through the
day. But
in the end
I can't let
myself
get too
close to
anyone, really.
I have
to run
away.
Jan 2018 · 279
history
Natasha Jan 2018
history repeats itself, my friend,
a lesson I've learned time and time again
that mistakes we make will always come back to haunt us

and things we've left unsaid will always scream out
to taunt us.

by and by the wind she tries to sway my fragile
addled mind. and the trees will follow suit for she
(the wind) is one to be reckoned with.

seasons may change,
winter to spring
as the snow melts, 'twill prompt the birds to sing.

and right on time, the warm southern breeze,
carrying a scent of chamomile and

petrichor through the city
so serene.

and how things have changed,
how different
this next year will be.

I'll run through the forest through fields and sunshine
to the lake so cold, and rush in
to escape time.

the inevitable following, silent ghost
the one true thing that scares me the most

is that this is all in the past,
all a dream
all memories
just waiting to be made.

*history repeats itself,
if not now
one day.
lifelifelife
Jan 2018 · 310
Past
Natasha Jan 2018
I apologize,
for I am broken
and for all the things
I've left unspoken.
I criticize
myself, every time
you're around
for within myself I looked and reasoned
and there is not a cause to be found.
I am tainted
by my past renditions
left me in this strange condition
for more- is never enough,
but away these marred feelings I tuck.
But, it's okay
I swear I'm fine
I'm just losing myself in my mind
she calls me through sleep and time
to whisper horror stories late at night.
Lady Dressed in black,
disintegrating yet still whole
crying, as I sputter
shovelling dark, demonic coal.
Into the fire, she burns,
down beneath, revealing
something I never wanted to see
but she showed it to me anyway.
Held my hair and made me stay,
made me touch, made me play
made me say I like it
I swear I like it
I do.
it's really hard to describe
exactly what I've been through.
I've recited it enough in my mind,
I'd like to explain it to you.

I'd like to believe I could
if you were to ever bring it up.

but whenever I try to talk about it
the words always get stuck.
Does anyone have an experience similar?
Jan 2018 · 334
if you love a bird
Natasha Jan 2018
if you love a bird, set it free
for birds were made to fly.
if it loves you as well,
it will come back
for birds need a nest to return to.

but if it doesn't,
and it flies away
into the blue, open sky
then it was never yours, to begin with
so kiss that birdie goodbye.
old saying cheesy ******. but I like it and it holds weight in my life.
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