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Natasha Nov 2018
cast out to sea,
caught on a rock
with waves crashing around me.
we used to sail,
we used to rise
we used to float on waters, endless
ebb and flow with the tide.
but as the storm approaches,
my thoughts grow weary
the compass points in all directions
we both jump ship in fear of steering.
I'm stranded, wet and cold
in a storm of sadness, confusion, anger
it has come the time, for us to decide
are we a lifeboat or an anchor?
Natasha Oct 2018
I feel nothing is stable anymore
I went from shuttered entrances
to a room full of swinging doors.

All I want to do is hide my face
and curl up in a ball
as not to face the raging storm.

Shingles rip menacingly from the rooftop,
glass shatters through the window panes
my hair caught in the cross winds,
my skin misted by inevitable torrential rain.

It all happens within

For outside I feign
happiness, progression
"you're doing amazing!"
my former demons victim to my succession.

But that's the funny thing about depression,
you can have everyone around you convinced
that you are so very okay,
that nothing could happen that would make your emotions sway.

But inside,
you're living within the eye of the storm
just trying to survive another day.
Natasha Sep 2018
I'm so low
I wish I could say it's unfamiliar
but this place is like my old home;

here I reside and within it
a part of me dies,
every single second I spend
trapped here alive.

Everyone is thinking forward
and here I am trapped in my head
sleep, the sparse hours I receive
are the closest thing to comfort I get.

I wish I could just stay in bed.

I don't wanna die, not yet
no, not yet.
I just want to live a day where my bones don't feel like lead.

And my muscles don't feel like they'll contract
so suddenly,

and **** me on their own accord.

Or that my organs won't turn black
and start oozing from my every pore.
So when you ask me what's going on
I'll say, I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm bored.

But in reality, I'm hurting
every part of me is sore.

Please don't worry,
and please don't stress.
I hate to see you cry.
Don't stay for me,
you'll be stuck here forever
I'm just waiting to die.
Natasha Sep 2018



I have

succumb to

what I've learned

from early on.

Numb yourself

when the hurt

is too strong.

Numb yourself

when you

feel like

you can no

longer go on.

Numb yourself

so you can

pretend you're


Numb yourself

so you can

last, just another day

Numb yourself

so you don't

have to die

Natasha Sep 2018
sometimes it feels like

I have so many people around me
but I am so alone.

that I am happy and healthy,
but I feel disease creeping through my bones.

that I want to run
but my body is heavy and numb

I'm so hot
I'm too cold

I'm too young to die
but too unsure to be old

like being trapped in a bubble
panicking, wanting free

trying to ground myself
in some sort of familiarity.

lump in my throat
body twitching in bed

how can I feel too alive
yet feel
so dead.
my fingers stumble and shake as I type this
Natasha Sep 2018
by the immense weight of
expectation; I’ve come too far
to turn back now.

or to stay stagnated, where I am.
this halfway house of
purgatory, grasping at mere
fibres of the future I so very wish to weave,
but my attempts are futile
I am unable to get a grip.
rope burn bites at my hands,
slip, bleed, slip.  

The options are so endless,
yet so limited by none other
than myself.
I preach,
believe in yourself. love yourself.
go for your dreams and don’t let them slip away.
but these are simply words I say.
I preach one thing and
I practise another.
hypocrisy, doubt’s dutiful brother

fan others flames yet ignore mine being smothered.
by my own hands, none other.

at least I have you,
the single being on this earth
that believes in me.
I don’t know why
I don’t know how it came to be.
that you are the one soul that truly pushes me towards my dreams.
you don’t let me give up
you don’t allow me to claim victim, be smothered by this monster surrounding me,

not mother or father
but me, it’s me.
the monster is me
don’t you see?
I’m the one who doesn’t believe.
I’m the one whose stopping me
I’m the one whose keeping me down and doubting myself and writing myself off before I even put pen to paper and make myself worse off.

You are like
a fallen angel
lifting me on
your broken wings

not to save me,
but to let me go
and catch me again
like a bird
teaching her
baby to fly.

are trying to help me realize

that I have wings too,
if I’d just open my eyes.
that you can still fly
and be scared of heights.

3 am passes
another day approaches
pointless moments surrounded by
wilting roses.

I’ll fight the urge to
give up, even if it feels like
I’m not winning

the clock will pass 4 am
and the world will keep spinning
I’m so grateful he believes in me. Even when my family doesn’t. He believes I can do what I want to do. He puts everything into perspective for me. I don’t know how he helps me so much with such simplicity.
We got to spend the weekend together.
It was so nice
Natasha Sep 2018
even with oceans between us,

       I’ll swim against the tide
            to lie
                 your heartbeat

once again.
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