outside,
the sky flourished with blue,
whistling winds intertwining with clouds,
eloquently
threading through the paleness,
sitting there capturing the light embrace of yours.

...

it's your fault people are worried about me,

no, it's my fault, i asked,
but you answered,

the wrong answer,

not even a proper answer,

i feel so toxic, ***** in a way,

i miss you, i miss us,

i want to cry again,
im tired of holding it in,


it hurts
...

i listen and help all the time,
i struggle to find solutions to problems that aren't even mine,

i hug and i comfort them,
i make those who feel like crumpled pieces of paper smooth again,

i laugh and i make them smile,
i make people smile and make their work feel worthwhile,

i keep my accomplishments hidden,
i make them feel special, talented, many compliments given,

i don't share my own problems,
i make other people not have to worry about me, let them blossom,

late night drives,
cold, warm,
wet, dry,
safe, happy,
alone together,

late night drives,
music loud,
laughing, love,
rain falls,
feelings felt,

late night drives,
gotten later,
colder, darker,
so much darker,
now, everything's gone.

why can't i stop ruining it for everyone?

why can't i just **** it up and deal with it like everyone else?

who is this?
who is she?
who are they?
i don't know this person,
i don't look like that do i?
my arms, my stomach,
my hair, my face, my thighs,
what is it all?
why don't i look okay for once?

it isn't fair,
not fair at all,
i'm fed up of trying to look pretty,
fed up of meeting standards,
my body is keeping my heart beating,
is capable of carrying and nursing a child,
my body is amazing and that'll never change,

even if my clothes are tight,
even if my face doesn't look like theirs,
even if i can't wear the same things,
even if my skin is darker than theirs,
even if i can't pull off the same hair cut they do,

i am me,
i am myself,
i am here to show what i am capable of,
and no-one, no matter how hard they try, will stop me,
i am beautiful,

we are all beautiful.

-lilac

yes or no
  ☐        ☐  


it's your fault my friends are worried about me,
no, it's my fault, i asked, but you answered,
the wrong answer,
not even a proper answer,
i feel so toxic, i feel ***** in a way,
i miss you, i miss us,
i want to cry again, im holding it in,
it hurts.


yes or no
☐        ☒

red,

hot,

pinpricks of heat strike my skin,
flinching, crying out,

burnt,

ouch.

there's this boy,
dark hair, light-brown skin,
his eyes warm like a campfire,
with my melting marshmallow heart,
my fever for him grows, i love him,
squished between the graham crackers of guilt,
because i love her as well.

-lilac

i picked up my pen, black ink, like blood,
tracing intimate thoughts into the back of my fist,
the soil watered with the tears of my failures,
the cold air making the ground shake,
the feeling of doubt, i can't get out of bed, i won't get out of bed,
they don't want me to get out of bed, want me to sleep forever, ever,
when does it end, do i work more, do i give up now,
do i give in to the cold air, do i let my ground shake,
the start of a tree, roots, grasping dearly to the soil, not letting go,
taking its time to sprout, slowly, gently, but it does, it does,
sharp winds take hold of itself pulling at it gently,
the anxiety takes over, do i stay and fight or do i run for my life,
the sprout of something beautiful, expressing itself, feeling okay,
a bright purple flower, one unlike any others, dancing in the wind,
storms come and attempt to break its bond with the ground,
it gives in, once maybe twice, but stays up, stays strong,
that bright purple flower, unlike any others, feeling okay, is me.

-lilac