I ate my first meal at 5pm
Breakfast was chocolate milk that left me nauseous
(of course it did you’re lactose intolerant)
I spent the morning trying not to cry
and then almost cried before I
went into the job that I love
(it makes you so happy?)
the pit of dread in my stomach
really made me want to die
just crawl into a hole
and cry myself to death
is that even possible?
(dehydration can **** you, have you drunk enough today?)
It’s true I live with the symptoms
of a female heart attack
most days
although I haven’t died yet
(but you could at any moment)
the euphoria from work wore off
I almost cried in the grocery store
after admitting I’m sad enough
to eat cake frosting straight from the jar

Sometimes I wonder why I call my anxiety
“High functioning”
(the avoidance is crippling, isn’t it?)
(but something terrible will happen)
or why I thought the depression was better
(nothing really gets better)
(but death would make them sad)
It was a mess but you just have to keep doing your best
Lightheart Dec 9
I asked my mom
how could two slices
of a frozen pizza
possibly be filling?
She told me
it was because
my belly is already full
of emotions
The loss of appetite *****
  Dec 8 Lightheart
No one
Has ever let me
Feel like this
And just let me, let it go
Without letting me go
It is so beautiful
That even when
You are apart from me
I feel your hands
Cradling my heart
The only one
To let me fall apart
But not let
A single thing break
Lightheart <3
Lightheart Dec 8
You place your words
as carefully as a bandage
on my bleeding heart
like butterfly kisses
i feel them
and cry
Do you realise how lovely your gentleness is?
Lightheart Dec 8
It’s pointless to hide
Lightheart Dec 8
At the end of our talks
we always reach the same conclusion
that we love each other
very much
but we are both sad
too much
I can’t fix your sadness and you can’t fix mine but it’s ok
  Dec 8 Lightheart
It's as if I stayed awake just to be sad in the dark
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