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Aug 12 · 48
illusions
Sam Aug 12
i was so caught up in your soft lullaby
it drowned out your sound of dreary deceit
Oct 2020 · 94
Flashbacks
Sam Oct 2020
drinking flasks of tears from years that are gone and have passed
am i holding onto feelings of stormy days when the sun didn't shine
when cigarettes and blue cold fingers where what i considered being alive
or is this a storm that will never leave will never pass
will i see a sunny day when the sky is blue and the sun is bright and warm and i say this is a beautiful day regardless of the lingering clouds

i dance in lace and lingerie but it doesn't numb the ache
it pokes the scars with red stiletto nails that say don't mess with me or i will claw your eyes out

am i tough because i've seen war behind closed doors not on a battlefield but in the confusion in the minds of my family

i heard the screams that came from your eyes when you looked at me with hate desperately begging for someone to take your pain
and i took it
trust me i took it and i saw it in my eyes when i looked in the mirror
when i relax my face i see fear and regret
i didn't mean to hurt you when i watched you bleed your pain out
i thought it would work
i thought i could wash it down the drain

am i still living in the past when i make love that isn't love it's just Novocaine that numbs my soul until the moment is over and i'm left raw once again

if i could explain to you the difference between mental health and mental illness i would say my leg is broken but you can't see it
and numbing the pain only makes me walk like i'm okay but when i'm sober it's more broken than it was before

i've done the checklist i've memorized love
my brain is still deformed and screaming for someone to see the words "i'm ******* exhausted" when i smile and ask them how their day was...
Oct 2020 · 292
You
Sam Oct 2020
You
i stopped looking for you when the mirror got so clouded i forgot what i looked like.

i erased and erased and erased till i didn't remember who i was.

i walked through broken drywall and bruised limbs and sad songs,

picking up the pieces of myself i left behind

and putting her back together to look like anything but perfect.

you came to me when i was looking for myself,

and you made me take a better look.

and you made anything but perfect ...
feel
perfect.
Aug 2020 · 77
ouch
Sam Aug 2020
i must teach you not to bite me though i never taught you how to bite in the first place. weird.
Aug 2020 · 239
am i the crazy one
Sam Aug 2020
silence so sickening
chest grows numb
your words taste like luke warm coffee
stale and bitter
swallowing them into gaslighting if it’s unseen my reality is false
cry alone and catch your tears so you can bring them to your mom as proof
she’s absent
you’re isolated
he spilled hot coffee and burned me with his words
then called me clumsy
sorry
trust your reality, that’s all you have.
Jul 2020 · 1.1k
Masterpiece
Sam Jul 2020
her life is an abstract painting,
a mess.
/
she just wants someone who will
step back,
/
and see a masterpiece
Jul 2020 · 429
euphoria
Sam Jul 2020
the evening rolls in
clouds of pink and purple
the sound smells like roses
the ground purrs when i pet it
touching the soft grass in bare feet
my skin glows with life
my rings are just a blessing that i don't need
i make no sense right now
but i feel content so
i must make sense
the wet pavement sounds like summer
i think i'm in love with you
i can feel your energy
can see it
so i think
i'm in love with you
Jul 2020 · 204
all in the eyes
Sam Jul 2020
i taught my eyes to be vacuums
to take it all in
but
let nothing out
it’s healthy to cry
Jul 2020 · 142
(k)no(w) self love
Sam Jul 2020
Hollow me out till i'm but a shell
Eat up only what you can see
Don't make a **** sound don't yell
Don't show them that there’s a me

Hold my sounds in my heart
Let the silent cries corrode my mind
Build up like cancer then fall apart
But don't tell them their soul is blind

Pass me around like a ******* ****
Let everyone take a hit
I pray soon I wont live long
Leave me filthy with your spit

Don’t acknowledge my heart
Don’t remember my soul
When my world falls apart
I know yours is still whole.
you need to live with yourself your entire life. love yourself, respect yourself, keep your boundaries strong.
Jul 2020 · 926
father
Sam Jul 2020
you love me unconditionally
taught me the world is more than what we show to the ones we want to love us
/
I wont waste my energy trying to change your mind
or remind you that i am your universe
because that would be selfish
/
you are a brick wall
i can write on you and tell you what i need
/
but you'll never be there when i'm drowning beneath the breakers
/
you will stand there acting strong and tough
but you wont do a thing in the world about it
not even protect me
Jul 2020 · 443
gone
Sam Jul 2020
coming home to a silent house
      it's cold and empty
              no sign of life
just the moon shining through the skylight
                     onto your face that
                             once made everything else look dull
and now you're more empty
                                  and deafeningly silent than
                                         this cold house

my lonely house is more of a home than you.
May 2020 · 148
how
Sam May 2020
how
another chapter just keep reading
hearts not broken but im bleeding
the other half will never care
though shes numb shes always there

smiling words when she cuts me
dripping venom while she guts me
im always winning or on the way
numb im numb another day

you can do a lot when you dont feel pain
but not so much when you feel insane
my body aches from standing up
i have good friends to fill my cup

or my lungs
my head
my heart
expectations will rip you apart

thats why im bad thats why im bad
you expect too much from me dad
ill cut your trust ill burn your hope
mom its just how i coop

i love you all i love you now
dont ask where just ask how
this poem has a lot of mixed emotions attached to it

— The End —