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Sam Oct 2020
drinking flasks of tears from years that are gone and have passed
am i holding onto feelings of stormy days when the sun didn't shine
when cigarettes and blue cold fingers where what i considered being alive
or is this a storm that will never leave will never pass
will i see a sunny day when the sky is blue and the sun is bright and warm and i say this is a beautiful day regardless of the lingering clouds

i dance in lace and lingerie but it doesn't numb the ache
it pokes the scars with red stiletto nails that say don't mess with me or i will claw your eyes out

am i tough because i've seen war behind closed doors not on a battlefield but in the confusion in the minds of my family

i heard the screams that came from your eyes when you looked at me with hate desperately begging for someone to take your pain
and i took it
trust me i took it and i saw it in my eyes when i looked in the mirror
when i relax my face i see fear and regret
i didn't mean to hurt you when i watched you bleed your pain out
i thought it would work
i thought i could wash it down the drain

am i still living in the past when i make love that isn't love it's just Novocaine that numbs my soul until the moment is over and i'm left raw once again

if i could explain to you the difference between mental health and mental illness i would say my leg is broken but you can't see it
and numbing the pain only makes me walk like i'm okay but when i'm sober it's more broken than it was before

i've done the checklist i've memorized love
my brain is still deformed and screaming for someone to see the words "i'm ******* exhausted" when i smile and ask them how their day was...
Sam Oct 2020
i stopped looking for you when the mirror got so clouded i forgot what i looked like.

i erased and erased and erased till i didn't remember who i was.

i walked through broken drywall and bruised limbs and sad songs,

picking up the pieces of myself i left behind

and putting her back together to look like anything but perfect.

you came to me when i was looking for myself,

and you made me take a better look.

and you made anything but perfect ...
Sam Aug 2020
i must teach you not to bite me though i never taught you how to bite in the first place. weird.
Sam Aug 2020
silence so sickening
chest grows numb
your words taste like luke warm coffee
stale and bitter
swallowing them into gaslighting if it’s unseen my reality is false
cry alone and catch your tears so you can bring them to your mom as proof
she’s absent
you’re isolated
he spilled hot coffee and burned me with his words
then called me clumsy
trust your reality, that’s all you have.
Sam Jul 2020
her life is an abstract painting,
a mess.
she just wants someone who will
step back,
and see a masterpiece
Sam Jul 2020
the evening rolls in
clouds of pink and purple
the sound smells like roses
the ground purrs when i pet it
touching the soft grass in bare feet
my skin glows with life
my rings are just a blessing that i don't need
i make no sense right now
but i feel content so
i must make sense
the wet pavement sounds like summer
i think i'm in love with you
i can feel your energy
can see it
so i think
i'm in love with you
Sam Jul 2020
i taught my eyes to be vacuums
to take it all in
let nothing out
it’s healthy to cry
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