absent from my life,
but dancing forever in my mind.

preserved perfectly-
idealized and beautified,
immortal, god-like.

forever present,
eternally absent.

hatefully loving,
blissfully painful.

confusing and cloudy
I’m lost inside
my own mind

wanting to let go,
but holding on too tight

The darkest nights
Are always those you must face alone

No knight in shining armor
Will appear until it’s already dawn

You're your only savior
Must create sense of this senselessness
Answers only exist inside your own abyss

Depend on no one, dear
You’ll only regret

Yourself Is all you’ve really got
So never lose sight of your own heart

They’ll lie
They’ll cheat
They’ll steal  
They’ll die

They’re never really there

You’re all you’ve got, my love
Until time makes you see
The deepest beauty lies within
Your own insanity

Crack
Hear the sound
Of Another broken shell
Hop over here, carefully glancing around
I’ve grown better
Yet still hear the breaking from within
From time to time
I almost think I’ve emptied the carton
Look again and see I have yet to begin
Dozens broken, dozens left
******* want to die

Every conversation
Never really know
Love him yet to leave him
Will never even show
Terrified yet mesmerized
I’m no longer scared
Break me again, my fragile shell
Eternally cracked within

What’s the point of trying to escape?
Can’t leave
Can’t stay
Can’t be anything
Too dramatic
Too careless
**** I hate myself

Leaving him does nothing
It’s the haunting from within

Im imperfect
I’m not worth it
But I love you so much

Want to love
Don’t know how
To show I care
Not anymore
Minds perverted
I’m so unaware

Lost
Yet still hoping
To find the light
Maybe someday he’ll love me
And give me back my sight

break me again, my fragile shell
eternally cracked within

Breaking through every boundary
Bringing to question the roots of my morality;
Should I trade what I have
For a momentary thrill?
Or continue in this life, ignoring his presence, so shrill

He’s mastered me now
And knows just how to break through;
Get to the very bottom,
Despite convincing myself to stay true

The walls ive build up
He makes me regret;
Like a part of me now that I can’t forget

Testing the waters
I let him every time
I don’t know why
It’s like I have no control over my own mind

Weak sense of self, so he takes advantage
It’s like I know yet still don’t want to leave him stranded

I hate him for it
Yet am enthralled more;
Mysterious and capturing
Into his mind, I'm terrified to explore;
Vast and complex, can’t comprehend
Has hijacked and forged mine
Into a complete mess

I’m ultimately alone trying to make sense
But don’t worry, he’ll come back to **** up the rest;
Remains and ruins,
Unsolved mysteries, with answers only he can provide
Yet he’d rather watch me struggle, hiding outside

To trade my innocence for pleasure and a high
He’s the serpent, same ending every time;
The fruit stripped from the tree
As I prepare, in my hands, ready to eat
Stare into his deep, dark, mystifying eyes,
so full yet so empty

Try to convince myself this isn’t how it has to be
I can chose to hold onto myself,
Not sacrifice the last bit of me for a moment,
So temporary;
It’s just that when I’m in it, I can’t see out
I’d chose whatever he’d like of me
Like I’m enslaved, held captive by my own reality

Wish I could stay strong and choose
I’m so weak for him;
Help me encode how not to lose
He loves his game,
Like his own high
To lead me astray, and come back, providing  my life

One touch, I’m turned to gold
Respect him, I must
Love the beauty, and unexplainable rush;
Despise him more for the power I’ve granted
His touch, so gentle, yet painfully handled

As he lies his hand on me, I melt
Like a mad potter,
The clay starts to form with the warmth of his powerful wealth;
Maleable and weak,
He forms me slowly
Into a masterpiece,
Lovely yet tragic

absent from my life,
but dancing forever in my mind.

preserved perfectly:
idealized and beautified,
immortal, god-like.

wanting to let go,
yet holding on too tight.

memories, exaggerated:
they haunt me,
notoriously unreliable.

close my eyes;
take me back in time…
before I was bloodied by his arrow.

I call him the devil because he makes me wanna sin
Every time he knocks on the door,
I can’t help but let him in

I know it’s wrong to appease his call,
Though in the end, I know I will fall

Save me from this place,
As though I will amount to more than a mere disgrace

He’s here, though not really
Comes and goes in phases,
Leading me on and hooking me in
So this cycle will yet again spin

Breaks me but makes me;
Every antithesis

Falling apart; holds me together
Leave him, yet I stay
Love him, but hate it
Despise him, lost in this high

Coming down is painful
the hurt and sadness ensues,
Bringing back the mundane,
Meaningless life I see ahead;
The reality I am destined to pursue

i am so weak.

like a feather dancing in the wind,
flowing freely with the breeze.

i need you to save me, to lead me,
to guide the winds that carry me;
you do so with such ease.

although the leaves around me may rustle,
there is nothing you do not see.

you show me the direction,
i surrender to you;
at last, I am free.

turn up the stereo, an old song plays;
I can’t help but smile while i feel the warmth run down my face.

confused how to feel,
was it all in my mind?

I can’t understand;
I no longer bother to try.

every night, every moment I spent;
giving my heart,
and a soft place for your’s to rest.

sacrifice here and sacrifice there;
there was no length that i would not have went.

vulnerability and trust- I surrendered to you;
yet, resentment and hatred are now what ensue.

the hate in my heart, too much to bear.
I want to let go, but I’m so ******* scared.

I have to move on; brighter days ahead.

so here’s my final “*******” because I’ll never forget: a mere five miles, from you, was too much to ask.

one last glimpse in the rear view;
I’m never turning back.

i would rather be perceived for an eternity as a fool than for a single moment as a cold soul.

i am nothing without you;
outside of you, there is no “me.”

i am your creation,
yet i wonder if i am just another sheep?

do you look down onto me with anger, feeling defeat?
are you glad that with your very hand, you gave me life to breathe?

without you i am so weak;
your salvation and grace are all that in this life i shall ultimately seek.

elevated from desperation,
you take my pain and craft it so beautifully.

you take my heavy heart, and with your love you set me free;
you wipe away all impurities that formerly made my heart and soul unclean.

lead me to your light, oh lord,
you are all that i need.

i loved you then,
i love you now,
i will you love beyond this worldly realm.

Keep me around for the rainy days;
When all the others go away,
But you want to stay outside to play

In the midst of the storm, I join you, every time
Gray skies and muddy puddles

We jump in the mud and laugh, Like children,
Oblivious to the mess we’re making,
Unable to see past..

Sometimes I let myself forget…
I just pretend
Close my eyes so I don’t have to watch the sun rise.

Begging you to stay,
But it’s useless
You always leave me the same lonely way

Grab you and trap you so you can’t leave
Drag me into the mud,
Yet you always slip from my reach

With the brightness of the sky,
I know it’s my time

My prime, surpassed;
So I wait until the next storm
For you to come back

the darkest nights
are always those you must face alone.

no knight in shining armor
will appear until it’s already dawn.

give me a number,
the appropriate label,
and compare me to the rest.

set me aside for a rainy day when you’ve exhausted through your list.

lets face it,
i’m just another: nothing more, nothing less.

everything i am to you
is that which you can see.

you simplify me down
to something for your frail mind read.

sometimes I wonder if this feeling is the voice of my own perceived inadequacy?
will someone ever really just love me for me?

Life moves on
Love is poison
And the world doesn’t give a **** about your broken heart

monsters, monsters everywhere
hold my hand and lead me out of here

eyes, their eyes like you and I,
faces normal, unable to dehumanize

every bit an equal to you or I,
they’re not hiding under some scary disguise

evil is not an exclusive trait,
evil grows inside of all,
blame it on fate

it’s targets are not set in stone,
the only safety is all alone

water it and show it the sun,
blossoms brightly, overgrown

to destroy it now, seems impossible
monsters, monsters
where to run?

numbness falls over me;
like a thick wool blanket protecting me from the cold of a dark, winter night

insulated and warm,
my feelings fade away.
yet the coldness surrounding me remains,
constantly inviting me to play.

I wonder how long this numbing will last?
when will the sun rise again and another empty night like this will have fully passed?

returning with the day is the pain of this freezing terrain,
reminding me just how little from the darkness I’ve really strayed;
I know this is only a temporary wait to sustain.

Behind these bars,
Isolated and dark

Mundane, dull, and gray
You took all of the color away

Your last goodbye,
Words still echoing inside

Dispose of me when I’ve surpassed my prime,
Expired, as has our cyclic high

Filler no more;
sole utility I served

Lying on the concrete,
Hardened and cold

Descended to this desolate place-
Chasing the mirage you portray

But it’s all just fine,
Everything’s okay,
I’m numb to climate of this bitter terrain

I’ve been here before,
Same sentence; same crime
Same demon every ******* time

A broken heart is a prison,
Life sentence till death

Liberation, a joke;
salvation, my only hope

Become more, for what? For who?
Why does it matter anymore?

Defining traits,
Surface level, it’s all they want anyways
So why even bother to face the pain

Introspective
And reflective
Admired only by myself

Not even in their language,
Mesmerized and entertained,
chasing always their counterfeited dreams, come to think of them as fiends

True gold is not recognizable by their shallow eyes
They fall for a quicker, shinier version, enlaced and filled with lies

“Cool,” their defining trait
Depth, care little if you portray

Theyd prefer the certain ease and masking of reality
Or perhaps they’re not even conscious of it, perpetually surrounded, lacking any reflection internally

See in others a reflected mirror image of themselves, providing a generic purpose, so life it seems has simplicity

Simplicity is a lie
Any man who believes he possesses it is merely in an altered state of mind

Ignorance will only carry you so far
Until time will make you see
Life is so complex, so we drown it out and reduce it down, begging to question what is REALity?

You know what’s worse than being rejected?
Never being denied entirely, yet never being accepted.

Meaning enough to someone for them to keep you around, yet never meaning enough for them to pick you up when you’re down.

Meaning enough for them to tell you their deepest, darkest thoughts in the middle of the night, yet never meaning enough for them to love you in the light.    

Meaning enough for them to appreciate you when they’re all alone, yet never meaning enough when they’ve found a new home.

Meaning enough for them to talk to you on Monday, and how desperately you wished that would last until Sunday.

But every Tuesday they turn away, they seem to deny you, and you think they’ve finally gone away.

You tell yourself you’re done, you’ll distance yourself and run.
Inevitably, this cycle of pain always seems to remain.

“Oh yeah I’m happy for you, she must be great”, you blankly say, as you feel your heart breaking, for it has, yet again,  led you astray.

“But it’s okay, I don’t really care”, you say to yourself, as you begin to fade

You try to be happy, so you paint on a smile, thinking it will only have to be fake for a short while.  

Though pain is the victor of this ****** battle, it’s all you feel, it’s all you see, and from it, you never do really seem to flee.

But, then they come back, as though nothing had happened, you think you're going insane like you’re lost with no map and...

They push you away, yet ask why you never want to stay.
You’re weak for them and you don’t know why.
Why must you endure this perpetual cycle for them, why?

This cycle you endure has torn you apart, you don’t know where you’re at and you don’t understand how this even began to start.

They say they never promised you anything, so to them, you’re the bad guy.

You’re the one who left; you’re the one who committed this unforgivable theft.

You never know what you mean; your head is so cloudy you think you’re lost in a dream.

One day they tell you they love you, they tell you they care.
Do they really think you’re that stupid and so blatantly unaware?

Yet they convince you again, time after time, you really think you’ve actually ******* lost your mind.

But you let yourself fall again, knowing they won’t catch you, convincing yourself the pain can’t grow worse, yet when..
you think you’ve reached that point, they fade away.

One day they’re here, yet they’ve packed up the next, they’re never here to remain with you, nor do they stay to rest.

You’ve decided you’re done this time.
It’s time to end this senseless rhyme.

Though not in your life and with you, a part of them will always remain in you.

They were never truly yours, yet you still feel this ******* pain as your relationship has faded in the distance, so much so you must strain.

The emptiness and hole left because they’re now gone, forever a constant reminder of what you had at stake:
Time, energy, love, and care, so much invested,

So you hold onto that sliver of fate, and patiently, oh so patiently, yet again, you wait.

Yet you know that the day will never come when they will love you back and the damage from this cycle will not yet again be done.

testing the waters,
I let him every time.

I don’t know why...
it’s like I have no control over my own mind.

weak sense of self, so he takes advantage

it’s like i know i shouldnt,
yet i don’t want to leave him stranded.

i’m nothing without you;
outside of you, there is no “me.”

i am your creation,
yet i wonder if i’m just another sheep?

don’t you dare try to come back,
a haunting memory is all you’ll ever be.

I am not an open book;
I am not an easy read.

you pried open my cover,
and engraved your name on the sleeve.

ink bleeding through the layers,  
pure white pages made unclean.

you wrote down a story,
and I let myself believe.

isolation
deprivation
lost sense of self

bored and lonely
stressed and depressed
shell of my former self

asocial
introverted
no drive for life

faking elated
going through the motions
lost in this world, so cold

hate myself
hate others
i can't do this anymore

craving attention
fearful of being seen
God surely looks ashamedly onto me

wishing I was dead
praying for death
this ****** poem needs to end

The smell of a cheap, sweet cigar mixed with the subtle staleness of his day-old Axe

The familiar comfort of being around him met with this unexplainable underlying fear

Unpredictably exciting,
Repetitively terrifying

My intuition, long ignored;
My heart, dreaming, unable to bear the reality of this ongoing nightmare

Pleading with him not to leave,
Just a few more minutes, please

The sternness of his voice,
My cue to silence

“goodb-“ cut off as he closes the passenger door, angrily at my “never-ending defiance”

He walks away, but then looks back;
nothing more to it than that

Stomachaches and fever dreams,
Memories that never flee

Years may pass,
But the heartache stays

It’s always those we wish to forget the most who never seem to fade away

Uptight,
Never quite right

Blame the “timing”
Despite countless years “trying”

Futile and undermining;
You’re forever chasing whatever it is you find most mesmerizing.

You’re done now with the tantalizing;
I’ve surpassed my prime,
Disposable-
You’re onto the next.

The latest shiny thing -
The “cool girl” trope;
Some pretty face for you to spit on,
Never for her to provoke.

Frail inside,
Your pitiful mind…

So the next one, just like the last:
A temporary home for you to impose your wrath.
Suffering eternally inside, running from your past;
Continually searching for something that will never be within your grasp.

Alone at last
Convince myself it’s all I’ve ever wanted so that time will more easily pass

Haven’t thought for weeks
My face remains dry
Forgot what it was like to not drown every night

Then there’s the light,
Exposing reality and reawakening my fright

Just want to escape
Run away and be free forever more

Want to be alone forever,
Isolated from all
Their blades won’t pierce my skin
Nor will they rip apart my heart, I’ll spend my life waiting for his sacred call

Wish it would come soon
Life has become a burden, my shoulders can no longer ensue
Show me another way
Guide me away from where I lie broke, helpless, and empty, screaming on the floor

I know your plan is greater
Please help me to see
That you truly want the best for me and this is all apart of your vision, guide me to be free