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  Mar 2015 Li-Xuan
I just want one of those forbidden romances where you'll sneak out together and drive along a back road and listen to songs that tug your heart strings and sing at the top of your lungs. God, I want that so bad. I'm willing to wait for it, but ****. I've been waiting for too long.

No you don't. Because when it all comes crashing down all you have is a sea of memories and no one to tell them too because it was "forbidden" in the first place. You feel sick by looking at your body in the mirror. Their touches burned into your skin, the images seared on your mind. It's not glamorous. It's not tasting him in your cigarettes or empty beds in lovely little hotels. It's not rainy afternoons where the air wraps around you like he did or cups of coffee the color of his eyes. It's just a lot of shaking and crying and hyperventilating and blood. The words
i love you* will never come out the same. They leave you clutching at your chest and clamoring down the hall just for some air. They leave you empty. They twist around your body and cut off your blood circulation. Forbidden romance is a fine fantasy. But keep it there because it isn't reality and will never be able to exist. Save yourself the time and just read a book about it.
  Mar 2015 Li-Xuan
He pretends not to love her
but every time he looks in the mirror
he sees everything he could've had with her

He pretends not to want her
but every time she says 'hi'
he whispers 'i miss you'
at his phone
but sends 'hey'

He pretends not to need her but hes slowly realizing the sweetness she brought to the air was the only thing he was ever willing to live for

He pretends not to remember her
but when he's crying in the shower,
his tears tell him otherwise

He pretends not to dream of her but when he wakes from night terrors and a sweaty brow, he realizes it's her absence haunting him

He pretends not to notice the flowers in his driveway that she planted
three years ago for his mother
and fights the urge to rip them from the ground

He pretends to shut her out but he knows he can never let her go without losing himself in the process
  Mar 2015 Li-Xuan
willow martz
for you..

a brush of your hand,
             meant -
i am glad i have you.

a hug with your head to the crook my neck,
             meant -
you are mine

a kiss before you drove away,
             meant -
i am coming back.

a hand on my cheek,
             meant -
i love you, why dont you see that?

for me...*

"i am scared to be alone,"
             meant -
i need to know you wont leave.

"i cant do this,"
             meant -
i do not want to hurt you.

"maybe one day,"
             meant -
i do not see you staying that long.*

"i prefer looking someone in the eye,"
             meant -
*i see what you mean with every action, but you refuse to
  see what i am saying. and that is why we never worked,
  because we both know you were to scared, and had only brushed the surface..."
i am so sorry i could not love you like you loved me...
  Mar 2015 Li-Xuan
Girl On The Wing
I want the kind of love
That's quiet

Quiet like tea and a blanket in the morning

I want a love that's soft
That's honest and deep and true
That's always there

Love that's not for show
Or for power
But love simply because love is felt

I want a love that accepts and encourages
I want a love that embodies peace
Love is groovy
  Mar 2015 Li-Xuan
Let me tell you about the first boy I fell for. I mean, really fell for.

He was different. Not in a sense that he was strange or anything like that, but in a way that he was different from most people. He had a similar thought process to me and we actually understood each other. Whenever he would start talking about something that interested him, his eyes would light up and he would put his hand on my thigh, squeezing it whenever his story got more intense. He never broke eye contact with me when it was my turn to speak. He actually listened to what I had to say and no one has ever done that for me before.

I fell for his smile the first time I saw it. I don't know why I was so drawn to it, but I was. It was contagious.

I fell for his eyes. They were dark brown, almost black and extremely easy to get lost in. Everytime he would smile, his eyes would almost completely shut because of how big he was smiling. It made my heart melt.

I fell for how his hand fit so well in mine. Everywhere we went, our fingers were interlocked so tight that nothing could break through us. In fact, whenever someone would get too close to me, his hand would tighten around mine and he'd pull me closer to him. He made me feel safe.

I fell for the way he would look at me. We would be lying next to each other and I could feel his eyes on me. I'd look at him, smile, and cover his eyes with my hand telling him not to stare at me. He would reply with, "Don't tell me what to do. I'll stare at you all I want!" All I would do was laugh and kiss him quick on the cheek.

I fell for the way he touched me. He was always touching me one way or another. He would usually run his fingertips down my side to my hip and up my back. If I got lucky enough, I would feel him brush my hair back and gently kiss my neck. I couldn't help but smile and have the urge to kiss him over and over again.

I fell for the way he slept. Even then he had to be touching me, otherwise he would wake up and drag me closer to him. He looked so peaceful. I couldn't help but kiss his cheek and run my fingers through his hair.

I fell for the way he kissed me. It was natural. His lips seemed to melt with mine and not once did he try shoving his tongue down my throat. His kisses were addictive and I could not get enough of them.

He seemed perfect. Sadly, I didn't find out how big of a ******* he was until it was too late.

  Mar 2015 Li-Xuan
"she's a bad friend, just a heads up.
I know she seems really great
and fun and understanding.
she's like that, at first.
she'll be positive and friendly, and you'll feel like you can trust her with your most-prized possession.
you'll want to tell her things, even if you're not a very open person.
she has that effect on people.
after a while, though, she starts to seem rough around the edges.
she'll go through very dramatic
mood swings-
she's a bit like the weather in NYC.
sometimes she'll be cheerful
and she'll laugh at the most
random of things.
those times, she'll be like a fresh spring day, around 72 degrees.
other times, she'll be the most pessimistic person you know. it'll feel like she's draining the positivity right out of you. those times, she'll be like a bitter winter's day, below zero and freezing.
on occasion, she'll change
back and forth between those
two seasons in a day.
it'll get to be very tiring for you,
trying to keep up with her many moods and feelings and attitudes.
you won't really know how
to handle her.
and eventually, it'll feel like she's
not really handling you.
she won't talk to you as often as she used to. she wont know what's happening in your life anymore, and you won't be able to remember the last time she told you about anything happening in hers.
eventually, you'll be the only one putting effort into the relationship.
but you'll continue to see her with other friends, laughing and sharing inside jokes and telling stories.
and it'll be so painful for you, because you're technically
still friends with her- it's not like
you had a fall-out or anything.
things will just be different between you two. she'll be distant, and so will you.
eventually, you'll just stop trying
to talk to her. all you'll do is smile briefly at each other in the hallways, sometimes talk for a few minutes about classes.
and it'll almost seem like you're strangers again.
so if I were you, don't bother with her. find someone worthy of your time and love and affection."
this isn't really a poem, more of a rant. people that I used to talk to for hours haven't had a real conversation with me in a few months. I know they're falling apart, and I should be there for them, and I'm not. so this is kind of an apology poem.
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