You saw a new toy
The toy felt confident
You had the new toy
The toy was yours
You loved that toy
The toy started breaking
You didn't like the toy
The toy felt like trash
You left the toy
The toy broke more
You didn't care
The toy wished they were new again

You watch time pass by
Seeing your friends getting married, having kids, and owning homes
While you sit in your childhood room cheering them on
As you envy them because you want to be there.

You look around at your childhood room trying to make it feel more you
All you are doing is avoiding the issue at
But you're scared
Scared of stepping out into the world.

You try changing your style from the emo phase to the boho kings/queens
Spending all your money to see what calls your name the most
Questioning everything you wear
You cry looking at the little white dress you're wearing
Wishing it was the dress that was saying the words 'I Do.'

Hoping that the feeling of insecurities leave your body
It doesn't
Not until you are ready to step out into the world
Until then you cry while you wear a little white dress.

Have you ever wished that your life was different?
Wished you didn’t have the past that haunts you daily,
The disappointment in your parents’ eyes,
Longing to fit in but knowing it will never happen.

“Make a wish” they say every year on your birthday,
You wish for the same thing every time
To be acknowledged for your achievements.

How many hoops do you have to jump through?
10? 20? 50?
What happens when there are no more hoops?
Then what?

Nothing but a wish.

As December rolls around the corner
seeing everyone slowly putting up their decorations.
She can almost tell that...
that this year's holidays are going to hurt more.
She wishes that she could feel some holiday joy,
but instead
she feels pain and agony.
She wishes she was in hiding during the time of the holidays.
Alas she can't.
She has to deal with the nonstop arguing of who is getting her for what days,
the what are you getting her? No, we're getting her that!
and the worst one possible, bet you wish you were with your other parent?
Said to say,
Not everyone likes the holidays.
Don't assume that everyone has an easy life,
some people just want peace and quiet during this time
because she is dealing with the depression and pain.
It doesn't mean she won't be happy for everyone else...
but on the inside, she is crying and wishing to be in bed.
Crying to know that her childhood turned a child's favorite holiday into a yell off.
She just needs the holidays to be over to go on with her own life again.