So this is the word you felt you had to write
This is the word you want etched on my skin
A badge to declare to the entire world
That I am The Number One *****

You've marked my mind
When you wish it was my body
Some how you feel I deserve this crime

Your wish was to wound me
To make tears flow
But your ignorance is funny
My smile is all I'll show

If you love me I will sing to you
the words that aren't mine to give

For you I would steal all the good things
and break the bounds of morality
to show that you are special
and whole inside me

I'd ***** your mind
if I could get my hands on it

Your words are my pornographic video
with no subscription needed

I want you to bury me

When I'm gone and plans are made,
I want that shovel in your hands

Lay my body in its grave and let the earth flow
Add your sweat as well as tears to the soil that will cover me

Take your time
No need to rush
I think I deserve just that much

How does it feel to be over me now?
Come on, baby, tell me how

Your lust for success is contagious
I get caught up in the wake and buried by mistakes
A hundred steps behind you
Yet still I see your face

Happiness is a factor
One of many goals
You lost it in the battle
And won it back when the time arose

I always saw you as a warrior
Defending your beliefs
Overflowing with sorrow
Yet you kept away the grief

I strive to follow closely
The example that you've set
To go on fighting bravely
And learn with every regret

Every time I'm near you all I can be is awkward

I desperately want to come off as affable and cool
But one look from you and I'm stuttering
Tripping over myself and falling down

You laugh and look away
I wonder if you see me at all
Your eyes are always averted
Though mine are usually on the floor

I want to grab your hair

I think about you deep into the night
Long after I should sleep
You create a cycle of insomnia
That I always regret tomorrow

When I speak to you I lose my nerve at the last second
and stumble away in tongue-tied disarray

You enter,
I panic,
the words get caught and I tell a stupid joke
Making fun of you always seems safe
I can be so harsh
I never meant to hurt you
Though you laugh it all away

In those moments I think
Maybe
You actually get me

I grab at you only when I'm smashed
Apologizing profusely
While you calmly say, "it's okay"

I'm just waiting for the day
You tell me you know
And you feel the same

I like to write my words down on post-it notes
in barely legible print.
Writing the words so closely together
that you hardly know where one word ends and the other begins.
Making each small page seem like a giant secret
that should be stored away in drawers and at the bottom of my purse.
Do not read these messy notes,
for they hold too much of me.