large, and in charge as I'd like to put it.
chunky, pudgy, fat, plump
however you'd like to say it, however
it is none of your **** business.

I am not a number on a scale
or a mile that I haven't run
I am not the size of my waist
or the "excuses" that have lead me to "let myself go"

But I, am human.
Say what you will
but I love myself.
blonde hair, blue eyes
a sense of humor that can't me measured with something so feeble as  measuring tape.
A love of life that will not be put to rest just because I may need to take a rest every so often.

How do you measure happiness?
not on a scale
or with inches
pounds or calories that seem to sneak up on you in the middle of the night and make your pants a bit too snug

we judge people for judging people because judging people is wrong
we blame society for our corrupt nature,
but we are society.

my picket fence
is ablaze
the white paint
begins to flake
as the fire
of my thoughts
uses its flame
to burn me down
plank by plank
theres nothing left
nothing left to hide
there's the burnt house
that I am
doomed from a previous fire
I could not contain

As a child, our feelings ran free!
                         But….
         in the way of this world
       as we grew into adulthood,
     we were told that our feelings
    are not as significant as reason.

As we grow,
we are taught that showing feelings
                  is childish
we are told to control our feelings…
     Don’t let them see you cry,
showing feelings can be dangerous,
         it can show weakness
     making us seem too sensitive.
And because of what we are taught,
  we don’t always understand them
      or even know how they come.
But, they do come, knowing us better
          then we know ourselves.

    But I know that feelings matter…
         Love, pain, joy, hurt, happiness.
    Sometimes they can be small,
  like when I smell cookies baking
          and I miss my grams.
  And sometimes they are massive,
     like when my granddaughter
   died at birth and I watched her
                   come back!

However, if you are fortunate
       and I mean, really fortunate,
            that one feeling will come along
                   that will change everything!
I remember such a feeling,
and how it flooded my heart years ago
when this guy invited me to his community
and showed me his kind and loving heart.
And not so long ago,
                when I looked into his eyes!

And those are the same feelings
                   that I have right now….
The feeling that you are him,
       my future, my love, my heart, my life!
And this feeling, I trust, I believe in
    more than anything I have ever trusted
       or believed in, in my life!
Because with you, is the only place
      I have ever felt was home.

I'm going to cover your heart in bubble wrap,
shout to the universe to never dare to drop it again,
and carry it in my arms
so tight to my chest
that your heart may just merge into one with mine
and we can just beat together.
we'll share a duvet of bubble wrap
and I'll let you pull the whole thing
so it covers you,
and I'll still be warm
from the closeness of our
intertwining arteries
and the silkiest blood we pass between them.
I'll be lathered in your crimson fuel
and call it the race of our love.
I don't think you need to be shielded,
and I know you don't need me to shield you,
but just one layer of bubble wrap
won't hurt anyone,
right?

When Fear defined...
goes beyond a state of mind,
your emotional distress
of real or imagined threats
come to life
with your every breath.

Although you cant call her name'
she's always with you, like a bodygaurd
your protector
sheilding you from hurts an rejection
but soon you can no longer detect her (I mean you),
and THEY are all the same,
just out to get you ( I mean her)
and you (I mean she) clings tightly to the past
believing that pain and fear is all that truly last,

Even though youre no longer in danger
its too late you cant find her (I mean you)
to change her
in the mirror is now a stranger
She's just as much a part of you as you

Fear (I mean she) is your champion
so when your knight comes
you raise your shield
and make sure you dent his armor
push him away to disarm him
no matter how charming

You let your emotion
become a person
and you just hide behind her (I mean you)
been that way so long you
dont even know
where She ends & You begin
never alone, yet always lonely
left empty deep within

I don't remember, any more,
The exact shape of your hands
As I held them in mine,
Caressed them,
Memorized the length of your fingers,
The depth of your calluses.

I don't remember, any more,
Exactly your height, how much
Taller than me
You were, where
My head rested on your chest
When you held me tightly close.

I don't remember, any more,
Your scent, when we lay together
Creating our own
Magic rhythm,
Matching our heartbeats as we
Touched the sky, together.

I don't remember, any more,
The sound of your voice, calling
My name as though
It were a song
Within itself, a precious treasure
You valued with all your being.

And I don't remember, any more,
The color of your eyes, the shape
Of your lips,
Only...
How your eyes crinkled at the corners
And your laugh, as you told me,

"I love you."