Thinking about all the times I said yes
Just to make others happy
Now everyone seems to have forgotten
That my life is my own.

This is why they don't teach you to say no-
So that you can't say it to their face
When the time comes.
They've been raising me like a pig for slaughter.
I guess I should've known better.
Should've spoken up.
Should've acted out.
Should've stomped my feet and yelled "NO!"
Gotten a tattoo, smoked some ****
Said I'll do whatever the **** I need.

But no one ever told me
Being a good girl never does any good.
You just miss out on what the world has to offer
End up putting a stopper on your anger
Like trapping a genie in a bottle.
And guess what?
The genie ends up
Developing its own Stockholm Syndrome.  

You get trained with treats like a dog
Sit, stay, fetch!
All the while putting a leash on your collar
When you're not looking.

It's a bit of a stretch, you say?

You're right.
Having a teen rebel phase in your twenties is not cool.
What can I say?
I've always been a little slow.

But now it feels like life is on hold forever.
I've handed the keys over
And locked myself in.

Within my head is no longer
A good place to escape to.

there's a storm raging
outside and one on the inside.
the worst seen
in seven years, they say.
but all i can think about
is you're 151 kilometers away
and i hope i hope i hope
the wind that touches me
has touched you first
on its way here.

I always thought that you
Were a god of some kind.
Which is ironic, since
I don't believe in those.
But for you, my love
I'm even willing to kneel before
Him, and pray.

I know how the fairytale goes.
Nobody wants the dragon
Guarding the tower.
They want the Princess
They can save.
But I have scales for skin
And I breathe fire
Through my fangs.
Don't assume I won't
Eat you for dinner
And use your bones
To pick my teeth.

I can see the rest of my life
Stretched out before me like a vast, barren landscape.
An exquisite panorama of nothingness.
Day after day melt into one another,
A continuum of mundane activities.
I can close my eyes and pick out
Any day and it will not be
Any different from the rest. Looking back,
I can see the bones of my hopes
Lying behind me. Shameless in their nakedness.
All my mistakes scattered
here and there, monuments to my failures.
And there's loneliness.
Loneliness like a little child
Chained to my waist,
Keeping me company.
I dream it will turn into a balloon
And fly away from me.
But let's be real here
We all know that is not to be.

There the future awaits
In the distant horizon, hazy as a mirage.
If I follow the trajectory of history
I can see I've already crossed the highest point.
My glory days mock me from behind-
"It's all a downward ***** from here."
I can already feel my
Bones buckling under the weight
Of expectations.
So I lay down my weapons
And close my eyes.
Turn up the volume, turn off the lights.
I will turn this barren land
Into my utopia, in my sleep.

I like this little game we're playing. His subtle hints,
My coy replies. Hide and seek and hide and seek
and hide- how long until one of us gets caught?
Does he really think
He can lure me in with his careless facade?
I'm not a hungry child anymore
Glimpses of sugarsweet treats don't
Fool me.
"Want to win my favor? Worship me", I say to him.
"Offer blood at my altar."

Meekness does little to impress me.
Countless have sacrificed
Their all to win me over
But to no avail.
I have burned long enough to
Give myself away at the slightest hint of agony.

You think you can outrun me?
I keep my demons as pets.
Running is not an option
And hiding will be of no help.
The only way to survive
Is to surrender.
Let yourself be devoured
And see how I remold you
Into the glorious creature
You were born to be.

I promised myself I would
Not break my own heart again.

I never keep any promises.

how can i love
mere mortals
when
i've had a taste of god?

Is it weird that
I feel happiest when
I'm sad?
Does that make me a *******?
Or just a very confused
Being who doesn't know
What's good for her?

Honey,
if you thought you could
burn me, i'm sorry
to disappoint.
i've been through hellfire
and you're nothing but lukewarm water.

for each time you don't love me back,
i love me some more.

Some days
my heart
acts like a
little puppy
that just
won't listen.
I have to
put a leash
around it's
collar just so
it won't
go running
towards you.

no, it's just a chip.
just when i thought
i had you at the tip
of my lips,
ready to be devoured
body and soul.
how could i be so silly
thinking it was that easy?
Who said love
was easy? who
said you would be
easy?
but i won't give in.
i will put a leash
on my heart
until it kneels before me
i will protect it
like a mother protects
her child.

The only person I need to pick me up, is myself. But *******,
wouldn't it be nice to have your
hand to hold while doing it.

People often ask me
why I'm so loud all the
time. I wish
I could tell them
that I'm only trying
to drown out the noises
inside me.

I like you in a sense
Where I shouldn't use the word 'like' at all.

i'm not really a flowers and chocolates kind of girl, you know.
i'm more about fuckups and chainsaws.

''Go on, spill it all out'', I say to you.
And you pour your heart out to me.
Slowly at first , then all at once
Like water rushing out of an upturned bottle.

You tell me
How she left you for that other guy
Who doesn't even treat her well.
How she killed your heart.
How you gave her seven years and
It still wasn't enough.

All this I listen silently
Knowing very well
That the only way you will ever heal
Is if you pour it all out.
Knowing I'm the only
One who cares enough to listen.
So I turn myself into a sponge
To soak it all up.
The hurt, the bleeding, the woe
And the tears
Until that's all that's left in me
Until that's all I consist of.

But it hurts
Hurts so very much
To see you still love her
Love her even more now.
I guess that's just how it works,
Doesn't it?
Hurt equals love.
You love her because she hurt you
And I you, because you hurt me.

trust me when i say that i love being alone.
i love the moments of solitude when
i can just be with myself doing nothing.
i love not having to explain myself for
why i'm feeling what i'm feeling.
i know being alone is not worth it if it's
not with the right person. being with someone
just for the sake of being with someone is
just the worst way to hurt yourself. trust me, i know.

do not do to me
what she did to you;
i will not be
the graveyard of
your love for her.

so
i carry your loss like
a weight around my
neck until
i find the sea again
and drown in it.

The way he loved her made me
Fall in love with him.
-The most twisted thought I've ever had

you used to say
that i was your sky
tell me, do the clouds
still remind you of me?

There are days, weeks,
Months even, when
I'm perfectly fine.
When words roll off my tongue  
Like raindrops off an umbrella
When my smile lights
Up my own small world.
And then there are  
Days when life itself is a  
Nightmare.  
When The Bell Jar drops upon  
My room,
When my brain turns into fog  
And my body like salt on a rainy day
Dissolving into the very air it breathes.  
Feeling better seems like the  
Hardest thing I'll ever do.
But, The worst part is  
That I don't even want to feel better
I want to keep dissolving, keep reducing
Until there's nothing left to be dissolved.  

This thought is what frightens me most.

I love my dark circles.
They carry the stains
Of my darkest nights.

Having my heart broken was
A lot like dying
Only it was worse than that.
You can only die once
(Or so I've been told).
One swift jump and
It's over.
But with him
I died everyday
Over
And over again.

(Sometimes, more than once a day.)

Everytime I
Checked my phone for a text
Or a call,
Or an email,
My heart broke just
A little bit more.
I died
Everytime I crossed our favorite street.
Everytime I walked under the lamppost
Where he held my hand for
The first time.

I died countless times for two years.
And when I thought
I could die no more, I
Did it yet again
When I saw him love another.

I wish I'd known that night
He only called to never
Listen to my voice ever
Again.

So, to my future lover I
Implore (Whereever you are)
Please, never ever let
Me die like that ever
Again.
I came back from
The dead once.
I don't think I can do that one more time.