It's hard to forget the past
When it takes away something
That I felt was meant to last

So I'll wait for my phone to ring
No line and hook to be cast
We'll see what time will bring

Deep within blue eyes
I see a constellation
I'll find nowhere else

I pick my scabs and wonder why I keep remembering

I find myself in that familiar place
where wounds reopen
and the feeling of danger
beckons to race

Old scars wanting to tear apart
like a stray bullet to the heart
Old habits emerge so mindless
despite being met with kindness

I question if I've really healed
If these years have anything to yield
Uncomfortable is how I've felt
Do I peek at this hand that is dealt

I'm at a crossroad of old and new
Simply locked scared at what to do

Yet I know I will choose you

I will always wear my heart on my sleeve
No matter the times it's torn away
In the work I've done I believe

Will keep you beside me day by day

This 'uncomfortable' is my test
Trust me that you'll get my best
My work will not be undone
because what we have has just begun

"I rebuilt my Temple, just to jump from the roof."

I can't just simply love
Simple words mean nothing appealing
When there is an absolute depth
To how I am really feeling

I love you like the first bloom in Spring
The singing of birds
The chatter of the bugs
I love you like picnic hugs

I love you like Summer's first heat
The blazing sun and a giant pool
The sweet repeat
The charcoal grill with searing meat

I love you like the first fallen leaf of Fall
You are the crunch of the leaves beneath my toes
You are the blanket
You are the first chill breeze that tickles my nose

I love you like the first Winter snowfall
Pure white, with footprint flaws
You are the snowflake upon my finger
Unique among them all, but here with me you've come to fall

To fall with you is what I'll do
I don't love in simplicity
I love in pictures and feelings
This is just a glimpse of what you mean to me

"We quote the good, but are poetic of the bad."

I thought I found the best
A god among the rest
But it was just a test
It's just a jest

A joke to show me I'm not real
To show me I'll never truly feel
How to love in life
Without the strife

Without the pain of past
Showing me it can't last
A fist full of lies
Punching the inner me as it dies

I'm on my last bump of hope
As if it's a form of dope
Thinking I'm gonna be alright
Without the will to fight

I just lie here and frown
I'll wear my smiling painted mask
And I'll drown
In enough liquor to fill an endless flask

I'm wrapped up in my head
Through that forest fogged with dread
Congrats to my demons you won
I'm tired and numb

You've convinced me my fears are real
That I've lost and made a deal
Trapped in rewind
The same emotions are what I find

It's too good to be true
Now I wonder what to do
I'm angry and morose
Taking in depression like a drug overdose

I hate my own reflection
I'm always trying a new deflection
To pretend that I can't feel pain
In my forest, it begins to rain

I'll choose to die inside
I'll choke on my pride
***** what we call life
Next time, stab me with a real knife

My hearts under arrest
From things I detest
Barely able to find the word
Nothing to speak, nothing heard

Hell is real
It's all in my head
I struck a deal
With depression in bed

My feelings don't want to give
They don't want to take
They don't care to live
If it'll protect them from what's fake

I'm at a standstill, I've hit my wall
I remember it all
The pains of the past
That lead to my near curtain call

The problem you see
Is that it's all up to me

To leave the walls I so easily hopped in
To leave what is now my coffin

I have fear in my heart
Of being torn apart
Or watching the past
Come to pass

I know I've done well
to cope with my loss
with my patience to sell
With no anger, not cross

I fear I won't be understood
I fear you truly aren't that good
I fear what I've seen hide beneath
A devil with gnarled teeth

My heart has been bruised and burned
I feel like I always learned
Only to find it all again
Now that I'm here,
It's a matter of when

I'm full of the anticipation of failure
That I won't be the best for her
and the pattern will show it's face
With my heart being put in it's place

I know I must learn to give
I know it's the only way to live
But
This fear drives me insane
Thinking of the pain, from my own brain

Clawing the back of my mind
A deadly poison making me blind
I'm lost in an unknown sense of feeling
But I can't see the hands I'm dealing

I need to be understood
Help me if you would
For this fear is a truth so bold
and
These outcomes of my life are getting old

Solitude is a one man show
The one so personal
Only you'll know
Whether it's a blessing or a curse in all

You must learn to love the empty space
Take your time it's not a race
Learn to love yourself and the pace
Let yourself feel and embrace

You find yourself a Jester to your own game
Abandonment, Disgrace, Destructive
Branded to your own name
Learn to grow from what they can give

Letting these thoughts rule who you are
Brings out a you that feels so far
Hiding behind a painted mask
With a smile that doesn't last

Yet you are able to recognize
That these feelings are a bed of lies
Where the bad one stays
and the good one dies

Self-Reflection is how you grow
Learn to see the bad
and you'll definitely know
There's plenty of room for greatness to be had

Just know I'll always be here
To push you
To pull you
In the right direction dear  
  
So have patience in me
and I'll have patience in you
I just can't wait
To see what you do

Laced two face
Pray for grace
Skin of a snake
You're so fake

Liar on the throne
All alone
Suicidal threats
Easy to condone

Far from peace
Welcome yourself
To the land
Of the desease

Ghost Knight
Dressed in all white
Remnants of the twilight
Of the long fight

Fought in your head
With depression
Best served
In bed

Restless and blue
The stay of morose
Long overdue
Looking back on the dead versions
Of you

Day in and day out
This and that
With some doubt
As you try to muscle about

To stay afloat
On this rickety boat

Sunset in my heart
But I'm the dying light
To come apart
And take flight

Into my dreams
Of a fake life
With gold streams
On a bronze knife

I'm a zombie
I'm a ghost
I'm dead to me
I'm not the Host

Ghost faces
A noose
Of shoe laces
My mind filled
With
Bad places
It just paces
Running circles
And losing races
My nerves fired
I'm lost among
My own
cold cases

Broken dreams
And split seams
It's all it seems
In endless streams

Tunnel vision for lies
Wrapped in silk white
For the many one cries
Creating a craving blight

Tremble to the cause
Far planes in my heart on pause
Lost to time and to the pain
My eyes stricken
From staring into the rain
Drip drop, I'm the sinking ship
Down into the water
I'll take a dip
And a taste of my regret
The table is set
I'm the main course
Served to my demons as
Remorse

Streamlined with I'm fine
Going backwards
On constant rewind

With no forward way about
I don't even feel the need to shout
I'll cry my mercury tears
To rid my life of the poison
We call fears

Dancing on the edge of reality
One false move a fatality
While I remenice about times
I don't even miss
Killing myself softly
With a false sense of bliss

Ripping out my nerves
Thinking
I deserve this
As if it's completely sane
To hand myself my own pain

It's hard to write
When its only for me

It doesn't feel right
It's an empty plea

Each word forever pasted
Just seems like my time is wasted

It's so hard to write
With this blight of grief

It's hard to write
When it's not a relief

My walls are my fortress, but also my personal coffin.

I've lost my way
I dont want to speak
I have nothing to say
It's all so bleak

The future I thought would be grand
Derailed, the opposite of what's planned
I'm in a plane but it's not manned
Diving towards my mental
No mans land

Where I bottle all my pain
Where I always return
Forced to remain
My heart will just burn

Forced to remember what I sought to forget
No way out
I'll just lay on my bed of regret
With these blankets of doubt

The nickname given by an ex
That made me realize I never
Want a next

I'd rather be alone
And forget how to care

Than to find someone for me
Only to find out too late
That it's not meant to be

I can barely think
Sleep isn't sleep
It's a blink

Tired isn't brief
Its permenent
Mixed with this grief

Death a better solice than living
Looking back on life
Which has apparently nothing worth giving

My feelings have turned to stone
I'd rather say **** it
And live to die alone

Saying I'd never love anymore
As if I have a say
Or ability to shut that door

But I do know that its painful
To let them in
Only to be stabbed by a knife that's dull

Feelings of stone
Won't even date
At this point I'm convinced
Its Fate

I'm falling deep down
To the place where
No ones around
It's just yourself and you

A staring contest of
What the **** do I do
To help me out
Of this repetitious cycle
Of raging self doubt

It's dying while living, just to say you're stronger now.

Life is but a game played by your personal ego.

I used to say
My heart had holes
And
Was bruised and beaten
But
Now I find
Someone else's Demons
Had it eaten

So I just dont have one
Now I know
Why I'm just
Done

Life gets hard when you get closer to your demons, then ever getting closer to someone who cares for you.

Hell is simply forgetting what true love can feel like.

My feelings are lackluster
Sadness and Anger only show for muster
Happiness and Love never show
Down
Down
Down
It's the only way to go

With how hard I feel, my heart is lead
In a pool of water where I can drown
But rest my head
Only knowing how to frown
Going
Down
Down
Dow...

The only thing I know is sad
It's all I've been given and all I've had

When happiness feels temporary
It's hard not to feel the contrary

I've got a hand full of sadness
That I dont want anymore
But I've always had this
So its tangled into my core

Woven into by bloodstream
Making life and living

Simply a dream

Its day in day out Lofi
Reminding my feelings on how to lie
To those around me who care
But I hold that dead stare

As if I'm imitating how my heart feels
Down, dumped, and kick by her high heels
Lonely, hurt, forgotten and scared

Life's a group project

and Death is to whom I'm paired

There's a void in my soul
That makes me bitter with no control
Not to anyone just to me
Disgusted in what I see

Not just what's outside of me
But everything I'm to be
Angered at every step I take
As if each second is wasted awake

I'd rather game til my eyes bleed
Or sleep like it's my only need

I'd rather cease to exist because I'm honestly never missed.

My thoughts always streamline
With the usual I'm fine

But I'm now merely a shell
So flawless you couldn't tell

That I'd rather give up on my soul
Than experience another hole

That'll welcome itself into my heart
Whispering
Til death do us part

Actions speak louder than words,
You wonder why I'm speechless.

What is Love?
Does anyone know?
We all seem lost
With nowhere to go.

I'd rather sit and remenice
Thinking,
I miss this.
Adding 'Something Real' to my
Wish list.

My heart doesn't even want to give.
It's even failing to remember
Why it wants to live.
Thinking it gets better if you just
Forget and Forgive.

What is Love?
Does anyone know?
I just don't think
This was how it's supposed to go.

You bore your wooden hatchet
Into the stump of my heart,

But now it's overgrown and
beginning to fall apart.

Your time has come to its realistic end,

As I watch the last of my wounds completely mend.

I'm on a stairway to heaven
I wished for it at eleven eleven
Though it was a wish you'd figure
That it wouldn't be me to
Pull the trigger

You weren't meant to be a lover, but a lesson.

Nearly everything is a distraction, to prevent honest self-discovery.

We tried to sail with a ship already on fire.

Time feels like two steps forward and seven steps back.

Hope and Faith decided it was time to pack.

So, I smoke another bowl to drown it all out.

That gut slaughtering emotion, of true
self-doubt.

Wondering if any choice you make is right.

Pondering, if there's anymore reason to fight.

Just another smoke after a ****,
Forcefully laughing at another joke.

But now I can't even speak.
Time's a great teacher, but it's future is bleak.

In my past you will stay,
That is a must.

Whenever I think of you,
I only feel disgust.

It had always been you,
That I should never have trust.

It's time to watch the old me die
Like, who the **** was that guy?
Dead in heart,
Constantly plagued with 'Why?'

It's time to shed this shell,
Stuck in my own personal hell.

With a new found inner spirituality
I'll personify peace,
Making it my reality.

Peace out,
Because I have no doubt
I'll be much better with you not about.

"I died long ago, when she was happy without me."