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May 25 · 336
i am a little scared
Jenn May 25
i don't want to get too close
you seem almost
perfect
you like when i kiss your neck
why do i almost feel nothing
should i tell you i'm not emotionally available?
because to be honest
i'm emotionally exhausted
from him
and him
and him
and him.
will you be like them?
May 25 · 124
here i am
Jenn May 25
dissociating again.
once again.
but this should be a happy moment
at brusters ice cream.
you're so heckin cute.
you like thrifting too?
and to think..
i almost blew you off completely..
because online you seemed
just like an average guy.
but heck;
im an average girl
aren't i?
but we can't stop talking.
we giggle during what would be
awkward silences.
wow.
and Aquarius;
just the thought of you is..
dreamy..
well here i am,
kissing you goodbye,
outside ulta
at 12:30
May 25 · 326
im only talking to you
Jenn May 25
he said
another message
you're the only one i like
another
please can i take you out
wow
i guess
my plan for validation
was successful
May 25 · 139
what I don't understand
Jenn May 25
is why I can't stop
thinking of you.
Why does it seem
like so quickly
I fell for you.
It makes no sense.
Here I am,
begging to marry a man,
when you're right there.
So close,
yet so far from me.
All I want is you.
I never thought
you'd be standing there,
thinking of me.
May 25 · 175
im drunk
Jenn May 25
and writing a poem
about a guy named jack
he's perfect
its crazy
am i dreaming?
i know drd has me asking
is this real?
is he real?
this is too good to be true
i look at my fiance
one who hasn't even noticed i took off my ring,
when jack notices everything
he's understanding,
doesn't need me to explain myself?
am i sabotaging my relationship?
what am i doing
why cant i stop
i think im
falling
May 25 · 63
so
Jenn May 25
so
I met a guy,
online,
named Jack.
He's gorgeous.
He's sweet.
He makes me think..
about all the things i've done in my life;
Why am i here?
He's beautiful.
He's nice.
He has the most **** body;
one that I want..
He's amazing.
He's smart.
I think someone is perfect.
He's picky.
He's cute,
and I like him a lot.
His name is Jack.
Dec 2018 · 201
Manipulative Mom
Jenn Dec 2018
I’m a trust fund baby
but not your typical inherent
my mom controls it
just like she controlled my father
when he was alive
she manipulates me
like she did him

she doesn’t actually
support me
unless its what she wants

she tells me to move to SC with her
so I wont be with him
she tells me to pay something
that comes out of my trust anyway
so she’ll get what she wants

she act like she cares
but she doesn’t
she “gifts” me MY money
and acts like its hers
when its not hers
to give

everyone I tell
tells me to get a lawyer
to take legal action against her
but I bite my tongue

if only she knew
how I really felt

she’ll know
once I’m 25
and the money
is in my name..

I’ll never speak to her again.
please don’t tell me “family is forever” or that I “should forgive her” because you don’t have to keep ties with a family member who is toxic to you.
Dec 2018 · 200
a ring
Jenn Dec 2018
another valentine
another holiday
another special moment
nothing happens
whats wrong with me?
do you not love me?
i know you have a ring
you’ve had one for 2 years
what are your fears?
are you scared
of spending your life with me?
i’m scared you that don’t..
Dec 2018 · 608
for me
Jenn Dec 2018
before I left
you made a cd
filled with songs
of angsty love
i broke up with you
years before this
what gave you the right
to come back into my life
dude it had a bunch of coldplay, the song chasing cars, and our song... really dude
Dec 2018 · 409
im on my way
Jenn Dec 2018
i feel i look better
in a filter
ludwig
inkwell
but my favorite filter:
the cast of red light
on my face
at an intersection
while on the way home to you
Dec 2018 · 276
hopeless
Jenn Dec 2018
I hope I’m too pretty for you
I hope I’m too kind for you
or am I wrong about that too?
Dec 2018 · 1.1k
tattoos
Jenn Dec 2018
i get tattoos
to love my skin
instead of scar it

i get tattoos
to love the art
that goes into it

i get tattoos
to love myself

i get tattoos
to reclaim
what you stole

this is my body

this is my art

this is not yours

this is me
Dec 2018 · 320
Iced Coffee and Cigarettes
Jenn Dec 2018
iced coffee and cigarettes
both bitter tasting
makes me think
of the bitter taste in my mouth you left
the sound of your voice makes me nauseous
i hate that i have to hear it
but somehow I find myself coming to your coffee shop
is it because I work near by?
or is it because I crave drama in my life?
do I need that pain back?
am I too happy now with him?
Dec 2018 · 316
actually broken
Jenn Dec 2018
I always used to say you broke me
as a metaphor
in my poetry
but now that I’m thinking about it

you actually did…
Dec 2018 · 820
stained glass
Jenn Dec 2018
why do I keep looking for unhappiness
why do I look for things to upset me
am I broken
how do I fix me
how do I mend the pieces that you made
without cutting my hands open
Dec 2018 · 156
curiosity
Jenn Dec 2018
I wonder if I would have turned out that way
if I stayed with you
Dec 2018 · 191
starbucks
Jenn Dec 2018
you’re at your job
talking to a girl
a girl who used to be me
she smiles
laughs at your stupid jokes
puts up with you lame humor
and she friend zones you
you tell her about the girl across the coffee shop
who broke your heart
when really you broke hers
into so many pieces
that when she tries to pick them up
she cuts her hands
she bleeds
because of you
the girl has no idea
what she’s gotten herself into
you will destroy her
like you did me
Dec 2018 · 1.2k
do you..
Jenn Dec 2018
she has bad tattoos
and wears converse
a totoro hat
over her over bleached hair
sounds familiar

does she watch anime?
does she go to the lego store with you?
does target trips feel the same?
does she comfort you?

do you get the same rush,
when you want to kiss her?

does she let you?

do you get the same nerves,
when you message her on facebook?

do you crave her body,
in the way that you did mine?

so much so that you kept going when I told you no?

do you wish she was prettier,
like you wanted me to be?

do you wish she was blonder,
like the anime character you ******* to?

do you also wish your ***** was bigger,
like I wished it was?

do you also wish that you were more caring to me,
like I wished you were?

do you wish I was still with you..?

do you?
Dec 2018 · 183
god are you there?
Jenn Dec 2018
why don't i put another cigarette to my lips
and hope to god I die quicker
hope that I don't have to be here
do I have to be here?
Dec 2018 · 213
sleepless nights
Jenn Dec 2018
I'm biting my lip at another morning,
it tastes like metal
I've had the pleasure of knowing this taste before
however,
I've never known yours
do you taste like my bleeding chapped lips?
or do you taste like ice cream on a summer night?
do you taste like an unfiltered cigarette?
or do you taste like mint gum?
you must taste like sleepless nights,
because that's all my body seems to crave.
Dec 2018 · 161
Untitled
Jenn Dec 2018
I might be thinking too much,
but if I'm right,
**** both of you
I hope you both fall apart inside
I hope you never utter my name again
Also, **** 12 am panic attacks
(Archived) Why was I so mad in this one lol...
Dec 2018 · 517
You are an ashtray
Jenn Dec 2018
cigarettes make me feel better about abandoning you
I want a jeep because of when you would drive your mom's
and play rap songs
I want to be what I thought you were
Dec 2018 · 131
Blondie,
Jenn Dec 2018
I'm literally not following my own advice.
I told her not to worry about someone who lives 1,400 miles away,
yet I still find myself missing your golden blonde hair
and the way you would make fun of me,
of any of us.
I used to live for your fluffy white dog,
who even attacked me a couple times.
I don't even known why I stuck around
for your sarcastic *******.
maybe it was the thought of you loving me
cliché right?
I know.
but I still love you.
Dec 2018 · 208
gemini
Jenn Dec 2018
i'm a two faced gemini
and you were too
how could we love eachother
if there was four of us
instead of two
Dec 2018 · 334
Untitled
Jenn Dec 2018
i thought i'd die,
yet i still suffer.​
our hearts starve
our hands bleed
i wanted us
i needed you
you "loved" me
and i thought i did.​
*******
Dec 2018 · 190
bad friend
Jenn Dec 2018
did you notice that you were never there for me?
did you notice that you did more harm than good?
did you notice you’ve made people cry more tears than I ever have?
That’s saying a lot.
Considering I used to wash these tears away with a bottle of *****.
Remember when all you knew were tears on your face?
Remember how I was there?
Remember I drove you places to get your mind of things?
I don’t.
I don’t remember a single thing you’ve done for me.
Dec 2018 · 282
someone not good enough
Jenn Dec 2018
I mashed and bashed myself
just to be a ****** up version of me
a version of me that wasn’t me at all
someone that still didn’t stop your wandering eye
Dec 2018 · 10.6k
cigarettes
Jenn Dec 2018
I smoked to fill my lungs
to **** the flowers that grew there
the ones you planted last december
Dec 2018 · 155
slipping
Jenn Dec 2018
it was a normal day.
the lighter never slipped my fingers,
never once did I slip through my hits.
I sat against the wall thinking it was gonna rain.
it didn’t, but my world still came crashing
everything started spinning
i was watching myself do things that weren’t real
I told myself ‘no, this is real. I’m doing normal things’
I’d look up, and i was somewhere else
somewhere not familiar
some place that was so scary that I could no longer breathe
i’d look down at the real ground, knowing i was back
it was normal again
however when I’d look up, it was a different time
a different day
a different reality
what was happening?
I was so lost, I couldn’t remember
who I was, where I was
the only thing I could do after staggering into the car
was to stare outside
focus on what I knew was real
but then someone would say something
and I was lost again
seeming endless
hopeless
I wanted to die
I was tearing up every 30 seconds
soon I was at the park
breathing again
arguing with jonathan
about how his beliefs were wrong
I was back
everything was ok
I needed a break from this
I got home, safely,
shook up, and scared
but it was alright
everything was alright
Dec 2018 · 1.3k
A letter to your naivety:
Jenn Dec 2018
You were my first boyfriend.
I was smitten over someone liking me.
I didn’t even care that I was your rebound.
You compared me to the blonde character in an anime because you wanted me to be perfect.
You treated me badly and broke up with me for other girls
who seemed better than I.
Then, you’d come back to me,
because no one but me had low enough self-esteem to date you.
Sure, they didn’t know the real you; like I did.
They knew the goofy nerd who was in the friendzone.
Finally, I left because I knew I deserved better.
You cried.
Lonesomeness,
is not fun after you’ve been next to someone after two years.
What could you do?
Pitiful, shameful, *** with your ex.
I always regretted it.
Whether it was right when you came over
or right after
or when you left.
One time you said that I “didn’t last long”
because when I regretted it halfway through I told you to stop.
A year goes by.
I pay a visit to your house.
I mostly miss your mom;
ya’ll were my second family.
I had nothing to do before making an hour drive to my niece’s for babysitting.
I dropped in.
I stopped by.
One of my biggest mistakes of my life on that February afternoon.
I watched TV with your mom.
You were sleeping.
She made food so I went to wake you.
We went downstairs and ate.
I asked if you wanted to come outside while I smoked.
You did.
I told you about someone I was seeing,
about how they enjoyed the way I gave head.
Big deal.
To you
because
you said that my head “*****”
I should “prove it” to you that I was good at it.
I refused because I don’t need to prove myself to anyone
especially you.    
Flash forward to your room.
Here’s the part where you can blame me if you’d like.
for going to your room.
How was I supposed to know what you wanted to take from me?
A friendly tickle fight turned into you on top of me.
Force kissing me.
I pushed you off.
Gravity was against me.
When you finally rose
I said “What the **** is wrong with you?”
Why were you doing this to me...?
Without skipping a beat.
I got my answer
that’d replay in my mind
forever.
“You can’t turn me on without turning me off.”
Shock.
Complete Shock.
You wanted my body
and according to you
I was only there for your pleasure.
That’s all I was.
An object for your enjoyment.
I immediately left your room.
You tried to stop me,
you tried to say sorry,
but the damage was done.
You marked yourself.
I had to pretend
in front of your mom
that nothing happened
until I left.
I cried many times that day.
Tears behind my eyes while watching TV right after with her
counting the minutes until I was supposed to leave.
Wailing on my way to my brother’s
Thoughts that it was my fault
that I caused it
while my niece slept peacefully.
And more tears when I told my mom
and even more when she told me to stay quiet
because your mom was already going through a lot.

I was objectified
disrespected
and silenced that day
in February before Valentine’s Day
2016.
Dec 2018 · 196
January Senior
Jenn Dec 2018
When I drink wild air,
I think of you
Swerving cars and yellow lights,
I think of you
The rings of smoke coming from the vape,
I think of you
Big fluffy white dogs and black jeeps,
I think of you
Febreeze and packed bowls,
I think of you
Losing at pool and being alone,
I think of you
Hating this place and wanting to escape,
I think of you
Wanting to feel numb,
I think of you
When I think of me,
I think of you.

— The End —