It is difficult to understand my reasoning
For life has shown nothing towards me but hate
Or at least disdain at the best of times

But i love It so
As the teenager loves the  idol she will never have

i love life though it deals me death continuously
i hold onto it which a strength
That weakens the soul temporarily

- my life it is my lover -

And you ask why i owe it my passion
When i live pain?
Why Look around you -touch your surroundings and think
That - one day you will not touch
But then , What is a tree but a tree?

For me death is death
i see no other realm except this

And so i adore my suffering as it is life
You could say i find suffering a pleasure
i do not know if you would be wrong

Or if you would be right
have others opinions not always overshadowed our own?
So please tell me if i am that frightening person
Who writes of the beauty in pain.

Why should I feel ashamed of the past?
Do I need to erase it
As if it were a splash of paint on a blank canvas ?

But the past was a different piece of art.
Less refined .
I have been trained since then. I draw now in detail and beauty.

My work then was not the work of now.
This is a new canvas that I am proud of.
But tomorrow or the day after or next year
I will have again , improved.
So should I then throw this work away ?
How then will I see how far I have come ?

Lips skimming , sharp as knives .
Killing you almost as quick ,
Or defending you to the death,
Both lucky consequences
Depending on the host ,
And their thoughts ,
And the roads they have travelled.

It was always you .
When the liars shrieked with joy ,
You held me while I shook
And told me of their nature.

My skin grew numb,
My veins tingled ;
The touch.

I had no knowledge of love,
I believed I had it until I let go ,
Then you  gave it - threw it- and I returned

A battle began , A war ensued ,
Both using our hearts in
Attempts to scare the other away ,
Though always hoping we would fail ,
As we did.


We were faint with ecstasy at times ,
There was a moment when you grabbed me..
I almost cried.

I have loved you always .
Even before I knew you I swear it somehow.

Jealousy grew in others ,
The liars shrieked at me ,
Not for a second did I believe .

You are my only road
It was always you.

I did not fall ,
I was pushed,
I tried to crawl and they kicked,

Pressure built,
Beating - tension- beating.
I see beauty in life
Beauty I do not deserve.


There is pain. There is breaking. There is numbing.



The Veil is waiting to be pushed aside,
If you could understand the pain
that I endure to survive.

At worst -or best- moments death is a lover,
A warm embrace
That erases at its touch

I captured grey skies
For you,
You love them so.

I was the canvas you smeared in red..
Paint my pain into beauty
Proof that it is real.

Why do you casually cut
the last threads that  I hang from?
I'm sorry I arrived at a bad time,
But that is your fault.
Not mine.

I do not miss the beginning -
The school girl crush ,
The lust,
The blush.

The middle suits me fine.
Content to know
That your hand will always fit in mine.

The fire has not turned to ash ,
The spark still remains.
But now it is accompanied by
A beautiful rain,
That comes with age,

The end grows closer
With every passing day.
Our end does not.
A lingering love will last ; immortal -