I want to thank you for raising me.
I know you could have pushed me to the side,
And did things like all the other kids did.

I want to thank you for practicing wrestling moves on me.
It taught me how to defend myself.
That's why the streets didn't conquer me.

I want to thank you stepping in and taking moms place,
When I was scared and had nightmares.
You were always there to fight off my demons.

I want to thank you for teaching me,
How to open our hidden Christmas presents,
And wrapping them back up,
Without mom knowing we did.

I want to thank you for loving me unconditionally.
When I was sure no one else would.
You were always there when I felt lost and alone.

I want to thank you for standing between Dad and me.
And taking a punch in the face.
Sporting a ****** grin as your teeth slid across the floor.

I want to thank you for being so ornery.
It made life fun and interesting.
And gave me a bark along with my bite.

I want to thank you for all the times I wanted to die,
But you demanded that I live.
You never gave up on me.

I want to thank you for telling me when I was wrong,
Instead of looking the other way.
I learned accountability was mandatory.

I want to thank you for your big brother hugs,
When life felt too heavy,
And every breath felt overwhelming.

I want to thank you for not only being my brother,
But also being my parent, teacher, hero and friend.
Lessons in old school, morals and values.

I want to thank you for all the laughter you gave me.
On my good and bad days.
With it we got through all life's speed bumps.

Big brother thank you for all you taught me.
I love and miss you.
I'll see you again one day.

   L. Mack
      3/27/24

I found the solution.
If I don't have anything
then no one can take from me.
if I possess nothing
then no one can ruin what I have.
If I stop helping others
then no one can take advantage of me.
If I stop caring then no one can hurt me.

L. Mack
  2/28/2024

****, here we go again...
I know this all too well.  
I don't want to do this.
I can't watch you destroy yourself again.
I'm trapped in this bitter hell,
This unforgiving prison.
With no hope of being set free.
These are your choices,
But we both pay the consequences.
This cross is to much to bare.
Paralyzed with anxiety,
Heartbroken and shattered,
Greif strickened,
Drowning with fear,
Mourning you,
As you wither away.
There nothing I can do to save you,
All I can do is watch as you play on the train tracks,
Screaming "get off the tracks a train is coming!"
You laugh " I got this. I know what I'm doing."
Difiant, stubborn and cocky...
He is so much like me.
I have to protect him from the train.
I join him on those tracks again.
Knowing there nothing I can do.
I can't save him.
He thinks he knows it all.
And the train is coming soon.
It's the most helpless feeling ever,
Living on the train tracks to hell.


       L. Mack

           2/12/24

I called you brother.
That's a word I don't take lightly.
My real brother died.
He had always been my hero.
When I had nightmares as a child,
It was him I ran to.
My parents barely acknowledged me.
They were busy,
working continuously.
They did the best they could.
I came late in their lives.
They were in their 40s when I was born.
They had already had 5 children.
My mom must have been tired by then.
I would have been.
But it was my brother,
He was the one who really raised me.
After he died,
I search for a bond like we had had.
So many lonely years.
But then there was you.
And you were protective of me,
Just like he had been.
I had missed that safe, familiar feeling.
I loved you like a brother.
Would have done anything for you.
I needed a brother.
You needed to be heard.
And needed someone who cared.
When you went away to prison,
I was alone in this world again.
Life went downhill fast.
I missed my new brother so bad.
Felt like forever had past before you got out.
And then I seen your face.
It was the best feeling to hug my brother again.
I wanted your life to be filled with so much blessings.
You deserved to be happy,
And to go live your dreams.
I wanted all that and more for you brother.
I would have given you the world if I could.
I called you brother.
I don't take that lightly..


Lori Mack

11/19/22

When I come up,
my friends feel the love.
when my friends come up,
they forget I exist.

Lori Mack

10/6/2022

Soon I'll have no one.

Don't be sad for me.

It's the season I'm in.

My children are grown.

My only grandchild lives far away.

I have chose to be single.

Love was never in the cards for me.

Don't be sad for me.

It's the season I'm in.

You will be here too one day.

This is a part of life.

We all wonder off alone.

Out of rebellion when we're young.

And again when we get older.  

Many start loosing their interest.

And that just fine with me.

Wisdom has taught me to let go.

Don't be sad for me

It's the season I'm in.


Lori Mack

10/11/2022

What a honor and privilege
It must be to belong.
Whether it is to belong somewhere
Or belong to someone.
It must make a person feel complete.
I'm still seeking my missing puzzle piece.
"Belong" is the piece that I seek.
I used to think I was incomplete
Cause I didn't have my other half.
But I like being single, less drama.
Now I know I'm incomplete
Cause I can't find where I belong.
I'm almost 50 and still don't belong.
Maybe I don't belong in this world.
All I know is this is not where I belong.
What I wouldn't do to just belong.
What a honor and privilege
It must be.

Lori Mack

11/7/22

This overbearing weight,
It's inhumane most times.
To carry on these tattered and bruised shoulders.
I feel the world gain it's healthy weight,
As time slips and withers mine away..

   Lori Mack
       9/26/2022

Now that everything is gone.
Now that I have nothing left.
Now that I've been damaged.
Now that i feel defeated.
Now that I finally gave up.
Now that I have no where to go.
Now after you made sure I had nothing.
Now that you made sure I had no one.
Now after you have destroyed everything I worked hard for.
Now you want to start your life and leave me on the streets.
Now I finally hear excitement in your voice about the future.
Now, just like before, I will have to shove these resentments down deep again.
Now I must keep my mouth shut and wish you the best.
Now I've learned that is how a mother truly loves.

  Lori Mack
    9/25/2022

What if this is just me?
What if this is just who I am?
What if this is who I will always be?
What if I'm never going to fit into life's little box?
What if I'm happier this way?
What if this is what makes me feel free?
What if Im sane, kind and wise this way?
What if I feel like I don't have to be a chameleon anymore?
What if my depression have faded?
What if my anxiety has dwindled?
What if my PTSD has stopped haunting me?
What if this is just who I am and what I am?
What if this is who I want to be?
What if you couldn't accept that and we continued to lose precious time?
What if your missing out on amazing memories we could've made?
What if you never stop missing me and your heart continues to ache?
What if you chose to accept me the way I am?

What if?



Lori Mack

9/22/2022

I'm just a mean *****.
These streets raised me.
Out there you have to have a vicious bark.
Sometimes you just have to let them think your wild and crazy.
And you better know how to throw a hard punch.
It's wise to always have a weapon.
I preferred ball ping hammers and hay hooks.
I'd pick one up and they'd run everytime.
I was known as a mean *****.
I've fought for everything in my life.
Ran away my 12th birthday.
The streets were friendlier.
I just didn't belong.
Just a mistake that someone threw away.
The blackest of the sheep.
It made me a mean *****.
I froze my heart inside out.
Built a towering brick wall,
Surrounded by dull rusty barb wired fence.
Blackberry thorns I've weaved through every crevice.
No one would ever concour this.
Made sure I would never feel again.
I needed to be a mean *****.
In order to survive this untamed wreck of a life.
So if your a ***** lala,
And all ******* in your self entitled feelings,
Then it's best you stay away from this mean cruel *****!

      L. Mack
      
         7/27/22

I need to know.
I deserve to know.
It's made me insane,
All these years to not know why.
48 long, drawn out, unbearable years entirely alone.
Anyone that stayed in my life stayed to rob me or ruin me.
Why does everyone deserve someone but me?
Everyone has someone.
Someone they can trust
Someone they can talk to.
Someone that loves them.
Everyone but me.
Sure i have my children but they are grown and have enough weight of their own.
And Im not talking about a relationship.
**** relationships.
Life done taught me i'm not worthy.
Or God not sure which it is.
But neither likes me or want anything good for me.
I just need to understand why I've never really been wanted or needed for that matter.
What did I do?
I'm not a horrible person.
Even pedophiles have someone.
Family or a friend someone.
Family didn't want me from the beginning and hated me for existing.
Friends take advantage of me til there is nothing left to take.
Then the abandon me.
What did I do?
People say we'll you've always got God.
And I thought I did.
His betrayal cut the deepest.
And I found out my greatest fear was true.
Nobody has ever and will never want me.
I don't belong anywhere.
And no one claims me.
What did I do?


   L. Mack
        7/10/22

A mistake, a burden, disposable, ostracized.
I felt the hate of my existence.

The glares burned my skin.

The gossip filled whispers,

Became my dark smothering shadows

And they echoed in the drafty hallway of my lonely mind.

I didn't ask to be conceived.

It's not my fault you cheated..

Yet I paid dearly for your open spread out legs.

You committed the sin and tried so hard to **** me in your bitter ugly womb.

You filled your veins with lethal doses of ******,

Believing it would **** me.

Yet here I stand.  

You hated me for the color of my skin.

But you should of hated you for committing the sin.

If you weren't a cheating, selfish *****,

None of this would have happened.

And I wouldn't exist.

Yet here I stand.

Now I'm grown and you my egg donor mean nothing to me.

I wish you emptiness, loneliness, misery, nothingness, bitterness and I pray you feel hated for eternity.

The same as you cursed me for eternity.

Belong, wanted, loved

Those I never have had and don't give myself the hope of ever having.

I know better.

I don't belong.

I am not wanted.

I am not loved.

I'm still paying for your ugly twisted sin.





  L. Mack

    7/10/22

Eric

Yesterday I was looking through my contacts
And I saw your name.
I immediately close it.
I didnt want to be reminded of the pain.
Yesterday I was looking through my photos
And there you were.
I immediately closed it.
I didn't want to cry again.
Today I was looking through my contacts
And seen your name and Goggles and Reggie's.
I was reminded of the pain.
Today I went through my photos
Only to see pictures of all 3 of you.
And I cried again.

I miss you my friend...

L. Mack
4-22-22

Friend,
It's just not gonna be the same without you. So many of us are broken over losing you. I bet your dog never stops searching for you. I'm sure your daughter will always fill empty without you. My son will grieve you for along time. He thought the world of you. Your friends... Well we are not ok. A heavy blanket of the reality of your death has covered our community. Acceptance is going to be a hard pill to swallow. You were so ******* amazing with so much love and kindness to spread. We all will miss the intelligent conversations we had with you. Our hearts will ache to see your smile just one more time. The world has become a little colder since you left.
    Love and miss you,
           Lori Mack
               01/24/22

I'm confused, baffled, unsettled. I am shamed for just existing. Most of my life Ive been treated this way.
Yet I take another breath.
I'm a child again, begging someone to give a ****.
Rejection, abandonment, ***** lil secret was my burden and cross to carry. Always has been. I don't understand why though. Guess God found it amusing or he would have made this horror movie of a life much better. Everyday I rearrange my life to fit into this stupid,small, rectangular, soffocating, tomb of a box.
I sit in this box quietly doing my best to not disturb you. Or your friends or your frequent parties. While both of those I am not allowed. I feel like a unwanted, adopted child sitting in the corner being punished. Tell me what the **** is it that I've done so bad to be shamed all my ******* life for just my existence. I just sit here and ask God why do I exist? I'm not aloud to be human anymore. But I'm supposed to watch my "friend" break every rule she ever gave me. While being looked down upon if someone comes to see me. Now she got her way only one comes to visit me. No one else is welcomed without punishment and belittling judgement. I ******* hate my life! I ******* hate this stupid, small, rectangular box! I'm in prison with a life sentence. My crime? Well it's simply cause I exist...  This is control. This is evil. You already asking me where I can take my rectanglar stupid lil box. **** I hate this box! Why don't I deserve to be wanted and valued? I treat you good and watch your back. Do I not deserve the same in return? I pay half the bills here and none of my friends can use the bathroom, take a shower or do laundry but all of your can? How is that fair? Or maybe I should just accept that you don't care and you never thought of us as friends just a come up, a lick. Maybe we were never friends. Maybe just I thought of us that way. Your taking advantage of me and I'm just supposed to sit here silently freezing in this stupid, small, rectangular box. You know I'm cold and you have two empty rooms. I offered you more money to rent one but you just ignore me. It's insanely cold at night. Last night was bad. I had to beg my dog to cuddle with me so I could get warm. You know how cold it is but you don't care. I hate this stupid, small, rectangular box! And I'm beginning to hate you too! You are cruel and not my friend. You use me. You abuse me mentally and emotionally. You are not a good person and will never have my respect and friendship again. Lesson learned. *******!


L. Mack

1/17/2022

I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. I'm not a good person. I'm a drug dealer. I supply you with the poison that numbs you and keeps you from your family. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. I divides families and I feed on your fears. I crave to control you all in the most sadistic ways. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. The more I sell the more my head will swell. I climbed the ladder so fast it made me dizzy. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. Money, trades, power, control it's my ecstasy. Sometimes it's even better than ***. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. All I have to do is shake a bag and your all mine. My perfect lil tweaked out puppet you'll be. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. I'll have you jumping every hoop I put in front of you with your first taste. From that point on you'll worship me like God. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse.

L. Mack

1/2/22

How could he do this to me?!?
Out the door picked up a chair threw it,
I'm so ******* hurt!
Kicked the garage door the walls shook.
How can I mean so little?!?!
I scream at the top of my lungs
"I ******* hate you ******!!
If you were a man I'd **** you!!
Let go of my son ******!!"
But I know there is no hope.
Cuz he doesn't want to stop.
Doesn't he care that I'm not making it?
Doesn't he care that I let him destroy my self-esteem while trying to save him?
He rage towards me makes me think one day he might **** me.
I'm struggling bad while he goes through money like water.
Worse he knows our eviction situation and won't help...
Everyday my own son uses me, steals from me, lies to me, degrades me and I just wanna disappear.
I want to run away but I can't leave him behind.
Can't even count on God.
I'm just His entertainment....
My life is hell...
I'm in this ****** prison
And I don't even use ******.
Maybe the only way to survive this is to do it too.
Come on it's not that hard just stick that needle in your arm.
No one cares not even God or He'd do something.
I hope this shot will make me overdose cuz I can't watch my son **** himself everyday anymore.
******* God for not doing anything *******.
But I can't get in bed with the demon that tortures my son.
This is my hell,
This is my punishment.
My mother once cursed me,
"I curse you to have a child twice as bad as you!!"
Well mom you got your wish.
Maybe I deserve this.
All I know is he didn't do anything to be cursed like this.
This is our story
Doing our term
In ****** prison...
Please God let us survive this.


L. Mack

10/7/21

Letting myself feel is killing me.It is my cancer.It will **** me.It is killing me.And I don’t care.Just get it over with.Feelings have always been my cancer.All of my life, even as a little girl.It is deadly and lethal.It is rotting me away,From the inside out.A heart that has been broken,Over and over for so long,It does not know anything else.Everything, Everything inside of meHas been ***** and brutally torn out of me.People do not understand it, they don’t get it.This will put me in the ground.They say, “Just get over it!” My “get over its” and “starting overs” are all used up.No one know all of it, they wouldn’t believe it or couldn’t handle it.I have learned the hard lesson about “letting people in”.So I isolate, stay home, in my room.Because I see my cancer is sometimes contagious, feeds on others.This is why it is critical for me to self medicate.I do not do it for any other reason.

Allison Josie Lee

2/22/2010

Okay here we go, let us speak about the white elephants in the game of life.

Pay close attention to what I have to say to you tonight, it may relate to you.

Do you ever feel picked on, maybe teased or a sense of self worthlessness for no reason at all? Me, too!

Have you ever wondered what was making you feel this way?

Well I’m here today to tell you my theory on the subject, it’s just my opinion,

Take it anyway you want to, but remember… you choose to keep reading this, I didn’t force this on you!

If you disagree with my poetry, then freely go about your day. I bid you well.

These are my feeling and observation through my eyes and through my life experiences.

Okay here we go, here we go. Hang on tight it’s a bumping ride.

You are now crossing over to my sight, my life, my world,

Upon arrival please be respectful of your hostess and her ways.

Okay ready, set, ready, set, here we go these are my views for you.

These announcements are for all that apply so listen closely my dear

For All those whom are after my old sunken soul,

Whether good or evil, sane or insane. This I have to beg of you.

Let go, let go, I WANT, NEED and I CRAVE the control.

This vicious, horrific, exhausting, ongoing existence we call life,

Was and still is designed by our creator….. THE ALMIGHTY GOD

Isn’t he sooo nice? Our savior, our christ,!

Deserving of worship, sacrifices, fastings and of course his weekly tides.

It is the opinion of I, and I know I’m not alone

That we are merely pawns in a game of chess.

Or it could be tug of war or rock, paper, scissors or tic tac toe for all I know.

Good vs. Evil, the oldest war ever. It will never end.

Who will win, who do we follow?

Everybody hurry up! Place you bets. Hurry, hurry!!

Which one will win you tonight?

You would think it would be quite a fight, right?!?

God with his fire and brimstone, and Satin with his extreme temptations!!

Is it just the luck of the draw? Winner takes all!?

Maybe it is more like compromises between two exhausted parents.

You know they are getting very, very old. Did we ever stop to think about that?

Devil says “I’ll trade you two sinners for one angel, a sweet one please!”

God responses “we did it your way last time, my turn to decide.”

“I’ll give you three of my purest angels for ten of your worst sinners.”

There it is. Our fate, the deal is done.

Our world is their toy box, a place to have some fun. You know, blow off some steam.

Don’t they care that we are left suffering with so much pain and agony?

Or is pain the name of the game? Are they that cruel? Could they be?

Are we to them like our pets are to us?

We love them but we don’t really know how they feel do we. Are we their pets?

I’m asking for all human kind to come together, tolerate this no more!

Come out, come out where ever you are show yourself and all your glory, oh Lord!

Let us start using our God given brains for a change.

United we stand, strongly staying in place!

We humans together, could form a army of people who are on strike. WE WILL TAKE NO MORE!!!

We were so careful not to judge , not to take sides. THIS IS YOUR WAR NOT OURS!!!!

Why are you both so vain? You have millions of children that need you now!!

But you both makes us feel like we are in a nasty divorce. This is between you don’t involve us.

God almighty, you are everything. You made everything. If you really don’t like your son Lucifer

Then destroy him. You have the power to do anything you want.. Why do you chose to play your made-up game?

It has caused so much anger, pain, grief and so much more.

We will let our built up anger and rage be heard and felt by both entities.

I’m asking for all human kind to come together, tolerate this no more!

come together, tolerate this no more!

Use our god given brains for a change and know where the blame is to be placed.

To many times we have taken the punishments resulting from their games.

Have you ever been curious, about what they look like?

Why do they hide their faces? It would help everyone involved, if they just talked and walked with us.

Wait a minute, could it be, that they maybe scared of us?

What ever the reason, it’s not good enough.

We are your children Lord, why abandon us? If there is as much love for us as you say, then why hold back?

Well that is my theory on that. Maybe it’s true maybe it’s not.

I’m just to lonely for there to be a God who loves me. Where art thou o Lord, where art thou?

Where is Karma in all of this? Karma, It has to be true, I’ve seen it work too many times.

Karma, oh, Karma, please rise from the dead and open your eyes to what has become.

Rescue your loved ones before it’s all gone.

Please Karma I think you’re the only who could save us from demise. Hurry Karma, hurry!!!!

By,

Lori Lee Mack

02/06/2010 copyright


Lori L. Mack

Life has given you quite the beating lately. I know your strong. But your human. I know you feel like you have to be invincible. But you don't and you aren't. I just wanted to let you know that in this crazy, busy, lonely world filled with greed, narcissism and pain I still see you. I see your pain.. Yes you are a chameleon and wear many masks for the ones you love. I do the same my friend that's why I still see you. I want to tell you it's going to be ok. But I won't. I don't want to lie to you. I wish I could take all this sadness away from you. But I can't... I just want you to know... I see you. I see your pain, your horror and your courage... I'm here.
Love you my friend.

    L. Mack
        8/22/21

You planted a seed of hate in my heart.
But I am the one who nurtured it.

L. Mack

8/4/2021

I'm trying,
But this feels way to familiar.
My demons must of found me .
I'm trying,
But I'm exhausted,
Physically, mentally and emotionally.
I'm trying,
To figure a way out.
So I don't have to go back to this.
I'm trying,
Yet most have turned against me,
Even my own son.
I'm trying,
I really gave it my all this time.
Hope is deadly sometimes.
I'm trying,
But I'm not even sure why.
History has taught me it will always repeat itself.
I'm trying,
To find some positivity,
While everything I've worked for is being stripped from me.
I'm trying,
To find the solution,
To finally stop this insanity.
I'm trying,
But can't anyone see I'm failing,
I got nothing left in me.
I'm trying,
To just find somewhere I belong.
I have searched my whole life.
I'm trying,
But I'm so **** angry
At life, at God and at myself.
I'm trying,
But I'm so sick of being disposed of,
Like a piece of trash.
I'm trying,
But I can't do this much longer.
I'm gonna break.

L. Mack

7/25/21

We hustle, fix, buy, comfort, lead, entertain, and tolerate whatever this wicked life requires of our forgotten battered souls while it's ***** filled with lustful greed and it's plump hungry swollen belly let's out a piercing whine demand more more more. "Give me more pain, more anguish, more drama. Let me feed!" Vicious, endless, mundane, abusive circle of life.

Lori Mack
2/27/2021

Most of the time,
There's a wrestling match inside of me.
"Come one and all,
Watch this historical event,
Time to put your bets in.
Will the untamed, crazy, black sheep Scary Larry win?
Or will the indecisive, shy, awkward Lori Mack win?
Who knows but it's guaranteed to be an eventful show.
So grab a drink and some popcorn and pull a chair up.
It's bound to bring a full house.
​​​​​They will have all of you laughing so hard you'll wet your pants."

*This program is brought to you by a crazed mind,
Who has been locked up,
Due to pandemic,
Way too long.
Insanity was the route she took.😜

Lori Mack
3/14/2021

Just for a moment
My son sleeps peacefully.
I see my sweet heroic lil boy.
He used to have so much love for me.
Just for a moment
I feel whole again and can breath.
Letting myself drift to happier days.
I was so proud to call him my son.
Just for a moment
Im happy, content and filled with joy
I live for these precious moments.
They are why I keep going
It's where I find my drive.
Just for a moment
I get a break from the horrific reality
That my son, my precious baby
Is dying slowly everyday
Just fading away.

     Lori Mack
         12/28/2020

It means that I am no longer loved by that person,
Only hated no matter how hard I try.
I am not even thought of at all by that person.
And that I am expected to take care of everything,
Without any help not even a thank you.
It means if I defend myself in anyway
I will always be wrong,
I will always be the bad guy.
It means I no longer matter
And only exisist for finances or to be stolen from or used.
It means as long as my loved one is on it,
I will be there punching bag.
I'll be degraded, belittled, tore down
And reminded of every mistake I ever made.
Humiliated til there's nothing left of my self esteem...
It means I get to watch my handsome, talented, kind son
Turn into a monster at times.
And it means I have to watch him wilt,
While it slowly kills him,
And eventually he will die.
****** is a cold, decieving, serial killer.
First killing your heart,
Making you dead inside.
Yes many physically die,
But the greatest loss
Is how it kills your conscience,
Your morals, your values, your common sense.
And breaks down everyone around you.
Til they are dead inside too.
This is how ****** has effected me.
I truly believe that ****** is satan himself.
And It feels like God is just standing by,
Watching us like we are etertainment,
Doing nothing to stop it.
  Not even batting an eye....

           L. Mack

                12/16/2020

My son goes to prison in 5 days... everyone sees the man who steals and uses ******... I see the sweet, gentle, loving boy I raised. When I visit him in jail, behind the glass is not that man you see. To me it's that 10 year old boy who sang "beautiful" by eminem to me when I was having a bad day. I see the 5 year old who started climbing cliffs on camping trips while I held my breath, I see the 12 year old who loved to bmx and was an amazing parkour,  I see the 9 year old who was filled with excitement when he got to meet mike row from ***** jobs and be behind the scenes. I see the 7 year old sledding down the hill with a huge grin whose picture was on the front page of the steamboat pilot. I see the teenager who tried so hard to help me and his brother survive on the streets and find food in dumpsters. I see the 15 year old who came and took his brother from me off the streets to give him a better life. I see my beautiful newborn as he is being placed in my arms for the first time. I see Brandon Scott Mustagog one of the most amazing talented human beings I have ever met. I see my son whom I love with everything in me. I know you can not see these things. I know you only see ****** and crime. But please when you speak of my son keep all of these things in mind.

L. Mack
2/2/19

Handsome, strong willed and brave is my middle child.
He doesn't understand how much he means to me.
He is my bright and bold beacon light.
He is the breath in my lungs.
It's remarkable how much he is like me.
A repeat rebellious, determed, wild me. Stubborn, ornery, smart.
A fighter, survivor, problem solver.
Yup that's him but it is also me.
My mini me middle child.

Miss Conceal

I do everything not to feel.
This weight is way too real.
Too much I can't reveal.
Just call me Miss Conceal.

You may have seen me sitting quietly,
Or you may have seen me flash violently.
Most times I'm kind, soft spoken and sweet.
Others I'm searching for someone to defeat.
My love for family and friends,
Runs deep and it never ends.
If you hurt them I'm ready to fight.
You'll be my prey I'll hunt you all night.
I'm just as nice as I can be.
My smile I wear for all too see.

I do everything not to feel.
This weight is way too real.
Too much I can't reveal.
Just call me Miss Conceal.

Control is what I crave.
It's best if you behave.
Take my advice for your sake.
No one wants this demon to wake.
If you need help I'll lend a hand.
Hard times and struggles I understand.
I'll give you the shirt off my back,
Help you get your life back on track.
Take me for granted and you'll see,
How dark, cold and demented I can be.

I do everything not to feel.
This weight is way too real.
Too much I can't reveal.
Just call me Miss Conceal.


   L. Mack
    
      9/24/18

Puppet Master

You crept in like a mischievious thief.
Intrigued, decieved and retrieved my son.
Influencing and destroying his beautiful life.
Diminished his hopes, his dreams and his self-esteem.
Convincing him he had no future,
No love, no value was to his life.
Your wicked silk spun web of deadly lies,
Mislead him to believe,
That happiness and love cease to exist.
This is your fuel,
This your fire.
Your one and only desire.
You will not quit until they all expire.
******, black, H or tar,
You are a seductive liar.
Your needle point claws buried deep his arm,
Dripping with your poisonous conceit.
Now you are his puppet master.
Dominating his mind, his thoughts and his words.
Your malicious acts preformed through him,
Make him look wild, insane and disturbed.
Each day in your tight intense grip,
My son dwindled and shriveled away.
Becoming your molded and trained apprentice.
Coached to perfection in your twisted ways.
You are as bad as a ******,
A murderer and even more.
I hate you ******!!
You started a war.
I will not let you win!
Let go of my loved and cherished son.
Let him live a full and beautiful life.
I surrender to you myself.
Volunteer my own life.
Take me instead,
Be my puppet master,
Enslave me,
And let my baby live.

L. Mack

9/20/18

A wife's love

Two souls and one thought, two hearts and one pulse.
My father passed away February 1st 2009.
In his home, in his own bed.
My mother heard him take his long last deep breath.
I asked her if she held his hand or kissed him or maybe a little hug.
“No I did nothing.” she said. Filled with anger,
knowing he must have felt alone at that very important moment.
“WHY NOT!” I said. “He needed you!”
I should have thought with love instead of speaking with anger.
Being the strong rock foundation of our family,
she held her voice strong replying,
“If I would have allowed myself that,
he would have taken another breath.
And that would be cruel of me to selfishly intrude and not let him go.”
she explained briefly how she heard and recognized
his last exhale,
stopped , listened ,walk closer and made herself stop, releasing him to God .
My sister was sleeping on the couch beside him.
Dad’s peaceful silence woke her right away
(he had that kinda presence) she went to him and my mother grabbed her and shook her head no,
putting her finger on her lips. From a ways they listened and watched silently
until they knew he was gone for sure and gave it even longer just in case.
Finally allowing themselves to go and see, kiss, touch, feel, farewell, and grieve him. Letting themselves exhale deeply with relief.
Oh mom so enduring, amazing and strong willed.
Please teach me, educate me, and shower me in your knowledge and understanding!
Give me strength, selflessness and acceptance.

L. Mack
3/2010

A Brother Lost....

One night, one call, all lost.
Instant shock, heart stopped, breath gone.
Our family tree so painfully torn.
No, couldn’t be true… I knew.
Quick, hurry, rush. Have to leave, must go.
Arrive, open the door, pastor is here.
He wants to sit and talk.
Don't want to sit, are you crazy?
Leave me be, let me see.
(Thinking to myself) It's okay, I can fix him.
Not to worry, he will be alright.
Watch I can wake him up, just give me the chance.
Looking down at the body bag, I knew...
They say “Are you sure you want to see him.”
What!! Got to see, need to see! I nodded.
That cold, ugly, black bag.
It's way too quite. The zipper is loud.
There he lay, still, too still.
He looks really good. It's okay, just a scratch.
The smile gave him away. Huh, not dead.
I told myself,
He is fne, it's a joke. He plays them all the time.
See him grin, that onery grin, not dead.
I am sure he's faking it.
Just shake him, wake him up. Probably passed out drunk.
Watch he'll get up. He pulled off a good one this time.
He's not dead, not with that grin.
I focused for any movement... None.
Ha, ha very funny, you pulled it off, you win.
Listen… Shhh…. Nothing....
Can't hear him breath.
It's not funny any more. Wake up, move, do something!!
Hey, come on. That’s enough! Get up, let's go.
Breath, Lance, Breath. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!
Lance?!?! Oh God, Lance?!?! Oh no! Lance?!?
No, no!! It's true. He is dead, he's dead!!
Than I heard my first shaky words.
“Are you sure he is dead?”
“Yes” the coroner said.
“What did you get yourself into this time
Lance?”
Cruel thing to say, I didn’t mean it, just came out.
He was gone, really gone.
Softly, I stroked his hair, leaned in and kissed his forehead.
There was nothing more I could do...

Walked outside to smoke.
I was the first one here.
Soon our family will be here.
Oh no, I forgot it's mom and dad's anniversary.
They will never celebrate it again...
Have to be strong for all of them.
Three cigarettes later, they are all here.
So many packed into one car.
Somber faces, walked in ever so quietly.
One by one, yet strongly together.
We all looked down at him.
A few tears, not many from one sister.
Whispering to him “No more pain, Bubbie, no
More pain.”
Left to go get some air, I think.
My oldest son tried hard not to cry, but moist was his face with fresh tears.
I held him tight, tried to ease his pain.
Mom was trying to be professional about it, conversating with the coroner.
She never looked so hallow before...
Dad, poor dad, took it really hard.
He was so lost and confused.
I had never seen him this broken before...
No tears from the oldest sibling.　
Only her face showed her agony.

Our brother was gone.
A son was dead.
Father to four, no more.
A friend to many.
It was soberly true.
One by one, we quietly stepped outside.
All is silent, lost in our hazy thoughts.
My brain, it's frozen, can't function.
Someone please say something, anything.
I couldn't bare not to hear, some kind of noise.
All of us surrounded, yet so very alone.
Finally, they headed back home.
First one here, last one to go.
I couldn't comprehend leaving him there.
He was cold, and becoming stiff...
Up went the zpper.
Alone in that dark black bag.
Nothing I could do. I had to leave him there.

I was overwhelmed with guilt.
We argued the last time we spoke.
He was the only one in our family that ever truly showed me love.
Every breath I took burned.
My soul was disgusted with me.
What was left of my heart, shriveled up.


At the funeral,
I heard the most horrific, sorrowful cries...
Then I realized, the cries were coming from me.
Oh God, please let this be a nightmare..
I remembering trying to pick him up and hold him, hug him. I needed my big brother's bear hug, where I always felt safe.
Everyone was gasping reminding me of his children.
I let him go and said, “My brother was my hero, and he was my best friend.”
I cried so hard for so long, that there was no more tears, yet I was still crying.
At the cemetery, it became more real.
When his casket was being lowered down I collapsed.
“Lance, no, no!!"
My father pulled me up.
I looked at him in disbelief, saying “Daddy, we can't just leave him down there, we can't!!”
“I know sis, but we have to.”

A piece of me was buried that day too.
My heart still mourns.
Life has never been the same again.
Lance, I love you brother.
The wind is still knocked out of me.
Even after almost 12 years.
Bubbie, I miss you so much!
Til i see you again....


Lori Lee Mack
Copyright
03/18/2010
Revised 04/28/2018


Robert Lance Mack
March 18 1967 - June 7 2006
(Our parents 53rd wedding anniversary)
39 years old
Left behind four children

Bravo!

Wow, bravo!
Look at you go.
You put on a good show.
It was quite convincing my dear.
You could make millions,
With an acting career.

So did you have fun?
Did you get your kicks?
What was the meaning behind all of this?
Did you have a plan?
Just ***** with my life,
Mess with my head,
Sleep by my side,
Pretend you'll make me your wife.

Used me to tend to your house,
Help you raise your two kids,
And pay most of the bills.
Then tell me to kick rocks.
Did that get you off?
Are you sick like that baby?

Or was it to impress others?
I've noticed that you go out of your way to be mr. popular.
Whats a matter hunny still stuck in high school?
Was it an act for parole,
For your business,
Or for the church?
Was it to hurt your ex?

Was I your hobby,
A toy,
A project to show everyone,
You could turn ghetto into class?
Or did you just want to hurt a woman
As bad as the one had hurt you in the past?

Was it for my money,
You had no problem spending that.
All I want to say is,
Bravo,
Well played poser,
Take a bow,
That was a **** good show.
Bravo!

L. Mack

9/16/15

Battlegrounds

My internal batteries have little juice left.
I have way too far to go yet.
I’ll push till I drop.
Licking my emotional wounds clean at night.
Come morning,
On with the warrior boots,
******* my mental boxing gloves,
Feeling the weight of my emotional bulletproof vest.
There was an important battle to be won.
There were mountains to be climbed.
Knock outs to be served.
My opponants were heavy weight champions,
Wise to the game.
Heart wrenching bullets had to be dodged.
Mental dissection was their specialty.
Which scar shall we open today?
So nany to choose from,
How bout the one that’s still oozing,
Dripping with painful misery.
Give me all you got,
You won't conquer me.
I AM A SURVIVOR!
Stubborness won't let me quit.
Born on these battlegrounds,
Been at war all my life.
I am a experienced solider.
I will win this fight!

L. Mack
2/10/2010

Still...

To be still with myself.
This i avoid.
It's uncomfortable just yet,
To be still with myself.

Too many thoughts in my head,
For me to untwist and untangle.
Too many memories.
I dont want to live over again.
Too many heartaches unfed.
Too many failures and mistakes,
That can never be earsed.

These i can not unbreak,
And i do not face.
Why be still and reflect on these pains?
It doesnt make them change.

Still is just not me.
That i can not be.
Busy I'll continue to be
Until there is nothing left
But still...
Then i will be still.

Lori L. Mack
10/28/2015

Naked Silence...

People don’t think much of me these days,
'Cause I’m always depressed, lost and broken.
They make me feel unworthy and pathetic.
'Cause I can’t get myself together.
They choose to think without love.
Saying that this is how I wanna be.
Come on Bra,,,
Who would ever wanna live here?!?!
After opening up my ****** stitched up core,
To reveal the infamous internal horror.
I’m naked again...
Waiting for someone to give a ****.
Again silence…
Naked…
No response...
Shame on me should have known better.
History always repeats itself.
Grasping out for almost any response.
I know I need help, but what the hell!
How many times do you expect me to naked?
Naked silence is all you allow me.
Silence is the demon that is killing me!
You said you were here for me.
Lies, you all say that…
But you give me no response…
Naked...
Don’t ever give hope where there is none.
Every minute, every hour, everyday,
Waiting…
No response…
Naked silence…
It feeds on me.
Draining my drive to survive.
Have to, need to, got to, go on.
Go on... why??
So you can torture me while grinning?
Filled with judgment,
You think you know it all.
Go ahead judge me…
You’ll be judged someday.
But not by me,
You’re gonna wish it was me.
Why didn’t anyone learn from my brother?
Living in silence,
Tortured his naked soul.
So naked…
For all to see,
Yet no response.
Shame on me!
I just left him there naked.
Where’s your shame?!?
You only blame.
39 years of agonizing torment.
He couldn’t hold on anymore.
Exposed to violence and hateful words…
Completely naked.…
Silence…
No response...
Don't you see what it did to him.
Silence slowly smothered him.
Betrayal sliced and snapped his neck.
Shame on me,
I knew the pain.
Shame on you,
For not claiming some blame.
In the mirror I see my brothers reflection.
Haven’t you learned,
Screaming for help...
Naked again…
No response…
History repeats itself.
I gave it my all.
What about you?
I’m not gonna make it all alone in here.
So naked...
So silent...
**** it do you hear me?
Why won't you listen.
Instead..
No response…
Naked silence...
Knocking at my door,
Pure evil silence!
Beating down my door.
Hungry for my core!
Hear me,
Oh God please listen!
Help me!
Completely naked, torn and exposed...
You just sat there ignoring me,
Letting it **** me…
Surrounded by silence.
Completely naked….

L. Mack

03/17/2010

Never be the same

You will never be the same.
As this life drags slowly by,
It takes all the hostages.
Never showing any mercy.
Deeply digging it’s claws into our souls.
Perishing our loved ones.
Leaving us hollowed and empty.
Suffocating the dreams away.
Scarred, left behind by it’s paralyzing poison of agony and pain.
Drowning hopes and passions.
Cheating children out of their innocence,
And leaving our hearts pierced by its greed.
Smothering our spirits to silence.
Sadly, we know there’s no turning back.
Life as we know it, will cease to exist.
Vaporizing all that was cherished.
With a full belly, it is exiting now.
It will be back soon, evil cravings and all.
To may times this family has been struck.
We are unsure of any future.
It’s time to try to heal, not fix.
How many more can we afford to miss?

L. Mack
02/06/2010

Hi God, it's me...

Hello?
Is anyone out there?
Can You hear me?
God, creator to all,
Please respond to me.
Where are You?
Who are You?
How do You make your decisions?
Lord,
I’m really trying to understand You.
But I find You to be quite complex.
I need some knowledge of Your ways.
Because, all of this...
Doesn’t make any sense.

You encourage us to trust You,
That You will never leave us.
I know many that have and still do,
Worship and praise You.
Only to endure one blow right after another.
Yet still trusting and walking with You.
Forever following Your word,
While suffering unbearable pain.

Would You mind answering some questions for me?
It would be a very precious gift.
Why must there be war?
Why ever let a parent bury their child?
Why not prevent so many tragedies?
Why must God loving christians,
Have to go though long, slow, painful deaths?

Since my father accepted Christ in his life,
He never denied You.
Fighting for You
And for Your will to be done.
Preaching Your word,
Putting bibles in hotel rooms.
He loved You so much Lord.
His eyes lit up with excitement when he spoke of going home (heaven).

I held his hand as he was dying.
It took months for him to pass...
He was child like and so very terrified.
I reminded him of You and told him to go home,
"It's ok daddy,
I'll see you when I get home."
I never seen my father in so much pain.
Lord, why did You wait so long to take him home?

I think You can,
At times, be too harsh.
Some have worked so long and hard for You.
Yet You still watch them struggle...
Jesus died on the cross for our sins,
But we still pay dearly for them.
It seems, that Christians never receive credit for their hard work.
Truly, they are Your humble and meek servants.

Yes, Eve ate the forbidden fruit.
Enticed by Your fallen angel.
If you wanted Father,
Satan would cease to exist.
Why did You give him the power of free will?
Why couldn’t Eve just be forgiven?
Or even taught a lesson.
Instead Your hand was severe and swift.
There was no unconditional love at that moment.
Just fear for them and anger from You.
Lord, do you have a bad temper?

Please I am not trying to insult You,
I'm trying to understand You.
I want to feel closer to You...

Well it was nice talking to You.
I hope to hear from You soon.
I’ll be here waiting and listening for You.
Father God can you forgive us soon?
It sure would be nice to take a stroll with You and visit for awhile.

Love Your daughter,
Lori Mack
02/16/2010

Jaded

A bit jaded.
Somewhat faded.
Over concentrated.
Not exaggerated.
Simply created.
Under stimulated.
Mostly discriminated.
Never validated.
Often manipulated.
Frequently evaluated,
And desacrated.
Extremely frustrated.
Been incarcerated.
No one vindicated.
Only fictionated.
A life debated.
As demostrated.
Stay isolated.
Fully insulated.
Somehow imaginated.
Its simulated.
Be educated.
Ever inspirated.
And a bit jaded,
As I stated.

L. Mack

5/18/18

Again And Again...

Here ye, hear ye,
For all those who are dear to me.
You didn’t learn your lesson,
My fithlty crime is renewed.
You should of protected your sanity
And left me behind.
I have strayed into there again.
Again and again,
I keep going back to my white pain-free friend.
He frees me from my earthly bonds,
And melts away my pain and grief,
Anything in our way, it‘s gone...
Sheds me of my endless sorrow and worries.
Its you that caresses my body ever so gently, Only like a great lover can do.
I've known you most of my life,
I know what I like.
Oh, instant ecstasy,
How I’ve missed you so, missed you so.
Welcome my dear friend, my lover,
How have you been?
You simply kiss my lips ever so lightly,
And let me breath you in.
Your taste, your smell, your poison,
Whisk me away I’m yours!
Lay with me for a while,
Don’t leave me like the rest.
Drain all the loneliness from my soul.
Make it all fall away, far, far away.
By my side you've always been,
Yet I have ran from you many of times.
Never the less here you are and you alone, Comforting me tonight...
Quietly knowing that soon the blame will come...
And I will, as always,
Deny that you and I are lovers.
It will be brutal,
I'll call you every name in the book and more.
But it’s okay,
You can always catch me again later.
Playing this game all of my life,
I know that you will get the highest score,
Next time you’ll hold me just a little bit tighter.
No doubt, you will be standing by to watch me, Again and again,
When I fall,
Again and again,
Hope I can keep my balance this time without you my friend.
I’ve learned that my hungry lust for you is deep. But at what cost?
So this is my dear john letter to you,
My lover, my friend.
I am brutal and honest with my farewell.
I’m so sorry for this my dear,
But it has to be done...

I will lay with you till your ***** dust has gone, Use you for everything I can and more,
And then,
Just when you think you’re here to stay,
I’ll shove you right off my bed,
And tell you to be gone.
I’ve gotten what I wanted from you,
You are all used up, empty inside.
Leave I said,
We had our fun,
We mind ****** and it felt good.
But now I'm done.
Parties over baby,
Your as cold as your ice.
Don’t you come around here again.
I told you get out!
Don’t ever come round here no more.
I can live without you!
I don’t need you anymore,
Did you hear me you blood ******* *****!
Go sell yourself elsewhere,
Don’t ***** around me any more!
Get, go on,
I know what to do without you.
Why are you so vain?
This story isn’t about you.
Its about how much I love my three handsome sons.
Again and again,
I will learn to bare the pain, sorrow, grief and shame.
This ain’t my first life lesson,
Now I will pick myself up and go on.
I’ll start over once again,
Again and again.
Over and over,
Again and again.
Goodbye my white dusty friend.

L. Mack

02/10/10

Reminiscing

Oh baby,
All of our amazing memories.
The summer beside our beautiful lake.
And we're kissing all of the
-all of the hurt away.

Reminiscing,
Stripping so we could go skinny dipping.
Making sweet love all through the night.
And we didn’t have a care in the world..

Reminiscing,
We were so complete,
Happy was all we could be.
Our hearts knew the truth in our love.
Knew we’d be missing.

Reminiscing,
Never a bother in the world.
You’d pull me into your cradling body
Holding on little closer each time.

Reminiscing,
How broken we were
Yet together we were whole.
Oh baby,
Our souls were intertwined
Oh the love we shared.

Reminacing,
We were wild, young and free,
And so in love.
Oh my hearts aching,
For us to run free again.
Not a responsibility or care.
Just let me fall into your arms again.

Reminiscing,
We were so happy and in love,
Oh we had it all.
Everyday we spent away
Is one more day staying
broken and all alone.

Oh Reminiscing,
Why can’t we just be free,
free forever with you.
Oh baby,
Everyday-
I said everyday is a wasted day without our love.

Reminiscing,
You reaching out and pulling me in,
We fit together so perfectly.
Your my missing puzzle piece.
Now the worlds got us chained and bound.
We are no where to be found.

Reminiscing,
If only we could go back to those days.
Baby,
Reach out for me.
Pulling me in,
Fitted together perfectly.

Oh reminiscing,
Our summers eves full of passion
And not a care in the world.
Oh baby,
Just hold me tighter and never let me go....
Reminiscing.
L. Mack
04/14/2010

More Than An Addict

I am more than just an addict.
Open your eyes and you'll see
Much more than the laws I've broken.
I am more than the drug that trys to conquere me.
Somewhere in here I am still me.
Look at what lies deep within.
Past my well created chamelon.
I am more than this addict you see.
I am more than a drug.
I am a daughter, a mother, a friend and a lover.
A christian, a writer and quiet the survivor.
Open your minds and see.
I am more than an addict.
More than a statistic,
more than a drug.
Somewhere inside here...
I am still me.
And I am loved.

L. Mack
11-24-15

Shedding

I'm shedding you see.
Soon you will not recognize me.
There are many changes,
I used to flee.
But now I am free.
Redecorated the old me.
I'm shedding you see.
Wait til you see the new me.

Lori Mack
5/19/18

Suppose To Be

Thought we'd grow old together, make memories and bicker back and forth like siblings do. Watch each others children grow. Attend graduations, weddings and births. Lean on each other through the deaths and tragedies. Camping in our favorite spots, playing hide and seek in the dark. Wild car rides with music blasting. I thought I'd have a lifetime of your unforgetable onory grin and big brother bear hugs. That was how it was suppose to be. Today I reflect on our childhood together. There are some good memories there. I followed you anywhere and wanted to be just like you. Jump ahead to when we both had families. Makes me smile thinking of our children playing together. You asked me to accept your wife and love her like a sister. Guess what brother, I still do. I sure do miss you. But most of all I miss how life was suppose to be.

  L. Mack
   6/7/18
    In memory of my brother
      Lance Mack
        3/18/67 - 6/7/06

Become

As he got out of the car,
Heading into work,
I gazed proudly at him.
He was a man now,
Always my child,
But not a baby anymore.
I studied his gait and posture.
It was so familiar...
I realized for first time,
How much he was like you.
Tall, slender, handsome and shy.
Loves to explore the outdoors.
Camping, hiking and tubing.
He is polite and quite,
Til there something important to say.
Smart, strong, and determined.
Nothing was ever handed to him.
If he wanted something,
He worked hard for it.
Never did he like to play sports.
He'd rather grow a garden,
Or make glass into a beautiful art.
His art takes my breath away.
Seeing the man he has become,
Its so bittersweet.
Our youngest,
Our baby boy,
You would be so proud,
Of the man he has become.
I'll never understand,
Why you chose to not be apart of their lives. Though we we're over,
They still needed you.
It's been ten years now,
Since they've heard your voice.
If you could only see,
What our youngest son has become...
Now that he is a young man,
It's like I'm meeting a younger you...

L. Mack

5/18/18

Pieces

Pieces of me ache in this haze,
As you dance with your demons.
I try to go on with my days.
Dishes, cooking and cleaning,
But the panic never fades.
If only I could take this from you.
Praying you will change your ways.

L. Mack

5/18/18

Moments

There's moments that I just can't quit crying,
Because I know that your so hungry
And cold that your digging in dumpsters for food and clothes.
I know that you are so high
That you don't care
What someone might do to you,
Or what you have to do to get your next fix. There's moments everyday,
When I can't hold it together
Because I know you are not safe.
I would give up my life
To make it all better for you. But I can't fix this for you.
So for now I cry for you.
My heart mourns for you.
I love you so much son.
I'm praying for you.

Love always,
Mom

L. Mack
4/29/18

Kryptonite

Mom, I feel like I can conquer the world. Like I'm superman and no one can beat me."
I looked deep into his glossy, dilated blue eyes and said
"There's kyriptonite out there for everyone babyboy."

L. Mack
6/8/2016

Morning Grace

The air is crisp,
For dawn is here.
Now is our time,
Father it is You i hold dear.
With an open heart and peace in my soul,
I worship You and everything else i let go.

L. Mack

2/27/16