The weather is nicer
I hear birds in the morning
The days getting longer and louder
But it doesnt feel like Spring
I'm not excited for Summer
The fear is not as potent
But its left a void, an uncertainty
Theres other poisons in the air
More potent and deadly
The streets feel like a battleground
The laughter is sarcastic, hurts my ears
The shouting is even more painful
Its meant to hurt, to sting and linger
I'm afraid, and its not just the usual
I'm exhausted, and I fear its not just age
Its almost contagious, I'm not the only one
Theres a change, somethings different
And I know its only the beginning
There is still hope, but will take strength
I don't think I can do this alone anymore
None of us should want to be alone anymore

I know I did this to myself
I know the blood on my knuckles matches the blood on my face
I don't wanna be hurt, so I hurt myself instead, I know,
It doesn't make sense to me either, and so,
I blame the boy in the mirror
and pass judgement on the man in the glass,
I'll blame myself before I blame myself
because only I can do this to myself
I'm a 29 year old catch 22 with a vendetta for a better life
Acting like I can't find the Sun when it's my own clouds
keeping me in the dark, I'm my own nemesis,
I'm playing as Bond and Trevelyan
I broke my own controller
Knifed my own tires on the way to LA
I ask, "Am I cursed?!", but I denied the blessings
I have no one to blame but myself
So I punish myself for blaming myself,
for the foolish things I do to myself
I know you're getting tired of my *******, so am I
So I'm hoping my wings will grow back on their own
I'll rebuild the throne and make it my own, and this time
I won't cover it with my own blood
I won't make excuses for my excuses
I'll pull myself from my own Hell
I'll beat the **** out of myself if I have to, but I won't let you down
Or I'll put myself down
Does that make sense to you?
Me either.
I know you see me as the hero,
It's all I've ever craved,
But did I set the bar too high?
Have I left myself depraved?
Have I just figured out why I cant write out my own story?
Have I killed all my heroes hunting down my demons?
Is this why story book heroes never last long in the real world?

You ever have that kind of day?
Where it's looking to be one of those days,
and it's an ending you know too well  
and it's been a week,  
and it's been a long month,  
and you've been hearing it from every angle,  
and you're like, "yeah I totally didn't notice how bad my life was getting, and I wasn't aware of how lonely you get when you're single at this age,"
and you have to act surprised at every family gathering when they give you that talk
and you're finishing up another dumb day,  
and suddenly this girl who's been hiding from you for weeks decides you're interesting again,
and your boss, who always pushes your patience to the limit,  
and never cuts you asks if you wanna go home early,  
and you - the absolute worst at smooth talk and social interaction,
and so bad with flirting gets the audacity to ask this girl over,  
and you don't even come off as desperate,
and she says fine, I'll come over,  
and you race home almost dying in a car accident, stress clean for twenty minutes, put on cologne and your nice underwear,
and for a brief moment, you get that child like nervousness, that rare "healthy" anxiety that comes before something good happens, the last crack of thunder before the rain stops,  
and you don't feel so lonely and thirsty, and you stop feeling like a pathetic waste of oxygen.
and then she says nevermind, she's not feeling it,
and the air gets ****** from your apartment
and you don't know who to hate more,
and you have to play it off like "NBD",
and she says - "Let's try again next week,"
and you tell her you're busy but you're not
and you pretend you're not interested because God Forbid you ever show vulnerability again
and you just write off the whole engagement as another failure
and you don't know what to feel - ****** at her, or disgust for you - so you feel both
and then she calls you ten minutes later
and tells you she's not feeling herself lately,
and you realize - you're not the only one
and it ***** because if everyone feels like that, why don't we make it easier for all of us
and stop making it a competition and more of a collective
and you feel selfish for not seeing both sides of the mirror
and you try to build her up
and you tell her the same lies you tell yourself to get through it
and you wonder if you're just a conceited hypocrite for trying
and you stop half way and just tell her - "yeah, I get it."
You know?
Me neither.

Let the record stand I wanted only happiness.
I dreamed of a job I could enjoy
A lovely woman to warm my bed and heart
And a circle of family and friends to laugh and confide with
THAT IS ******* IT
And every time I had even a taste of that life
Or even one of those wishes
I was set
I was happier than the richest of the rich
And every time I felt complete
Something was taken from me
Something was ripped from my grasp
And in front of my face
It was dragged away
I dare anyone call me bitter, or selfish
After everything that’s happened
Call me petty
Call me ungrateful
(If I’m selfish, what does that make you?)
I assure you, I don’t enjoy hating myself
There is some evil I deserve I’m sure, but this is ridiculous
Lucky for me, I’m running out of things to lose
The more I try to do things right,
The more they go wrong
I know I’m to blame for most of my setbacks
But I’ll be god ****** if you try to tell me
It’s my fault every time life threw me a pile of ****
And dares me to walk through it
There’s no way you can say every hardship
Every godlike punishment
Every painful wild card
Can somehow be traced to something I did, or didn’t do
I ain’t buying it
And I’ll be god ******
If I’m gonna beg for anyone else’s attention or love again
I just don’t have it in me anymore
Why is every choice I make the wrong one?
If I seem distant
It’s because too much has been pulled from me
By too many who didn’t deserve or appreciate it
What’s left is hidden deep
Locked far, far away.
In fact I’ve hidden it so well
I forgot where I put it
I’d love to shake this angst away
But I’m afraid if I pulled it off now
My skin would go with it
It is what it is, loneliness is a *******
It’s getting harder and harder to hide it
Tell me I’m not lonely, and I’ll tell you a better lie
(Tell me it gets better, even if it is a lie)

Your first mistake was assuming you were crazier than me
My mistake was hoping her crazy was my crazy
Her smile reminded me of someone, should’ve scared me, but it didn’t
And why did she keep throwing it my way?
I was two years younger, nothing special, and she was married…
She’d wear these broken eyes of cracked amber that reflected the Sun
Pull you inside to cold, moonless nights
She gave just enough to miss it, just enough to want more
A simple drop, a tease on the tongue
She was small, but far from delicate
Young, but far from innocent
A stolen kiss is the sweetest thing
A secret show is even more exciting when he’s not home
I watched at first, too drunk to move, as she danced with her dog,
Surrounding her was this aura, this bubble of innocence
A little girl playing with her fur child
Until she caught me spying on her, and a devilish smile gave me chills
I always fall for the forbidden ones, don’t I?
She was on top of me faster than I could say adultery
But she waited until we were both naked before threatening my silence
That night in itself was an adventure, but it was just beginning
One night in drunken lust turned to weekly bedroom confessions
An unhappy marriage, an unhappy home
I’ll show you my scars if you stop parading yours
“Darling, I’m too broken for you to mend.”
So we started spilling war stories
And you offered me the job of being your secret boy toy
Well weren’t you full of broken promises
She was my perfect type of crazy, I just wasn’t hers
You know the truth deep down. You and me?
We were over due for a catastrophe
******* wasn’t the danger, feeling was the danger
Our fist kiss was soaked in tears, it was one of the happier nights then
All I felt was separated from everyone else, and you made me feel less alone
But it was just something you said out loud to feel less like a criminal
“You know sometimes I don’t think you really care about me.”
Why should I? When I needed you, you weren’t
I was your convenient escape, you were the one that always ran away
You were never happy with your life, but you were too afraid to live any way else
“She’s putting on that make up for somebody, and it isn’t you.”
Two people knew of our rendezvous, and they called me so stupid
And they were right, as I was always wrong
Oh, you really care about me? Want me to be happy?
“He’s posting songs about suicide again…
should one of us go check on our ‘friend’?”
your late night charity work only made my situation worse
“If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always here”
STOP THE PRESSES! SHE HAS FEELINGS!
*******.
I think she got enough mistakes out of me
She’d already had her fill before she met me
Then I realized, it was always gonna end badly
Your spewed venom’s incredibly undesired,
But Hell knows its nothing short of reasonable
For the second time, I was at your mercy for my mistakes
The one thing I swore I wouldn’t do again
Turn around and run to you
How about something for the effort?
A little consolation prize for all we’ve been through?
Your lopsided thoughts keep me up at night
Your hypocrisy blows my mind, I’ve known some shady nymphos
But you, sweetie baby? You take the cake
Oh faithless, furious fortune, what did I do to deserve this?
Now you see why I have trust issues
I’m so glad it didn’t work, for once I didn’t have to learn the hard way
Life just pulled me aside and said, “Nope, not her.”
I realized, she doesn’t deserve that many pages in my story
She’ll always be there, no matter how much I hide it
The ink will always run deep.
Feel free to blame me for the rest of your life, you already do,
And I’ll be your excuse, it was all my fault all along
But you and I will know the truth, I will take it to my grave
Now you’re one of my good memories, which is all kinds of ****** up
But she’s gone, and I’m better for it
She only belongs in those early chapters
The epilogue is for me, and the next book after that
Sometimes, holding on does more damage than letting go

Our relationship, our rendezvous, began more innocent than most,
We were teenagers, we were harmless, nothing sinister about us
Just looking for a way to break the boredom
It began before we were capable of such sinister selfish thought
Before she was looking for something more dangerous
Before I was looking for another easy exit
There were moments where my intentions were less than honorable
Yet little ever came from it
Even then I understood control, understood direction
Our would be sins were regrettable, never forgettable
I warned you from the beginning, I was something a little different
A troubled boy with a troubled past,
A damaged heart, leftover by a damaged girl
She was the love I should’ve realized when I still had a heart
When I still had love to give
I thought I was still salvageable
But I didn’t hide the damage
I plainly stated “Heavily used and abused, 50 % off”
And I read her clearly the disclaimer across my chest
“Sunshine, I’m the thunderstorm here to rain on your parade,
Babygirl, I’m the kind of boy you need to be afraid of
I’m the devil in wolf’s clothing
Run before I sink my teeth in, and bleed your neck dry
But she had a storm of her own
And she swept me up like a hurricane
And when her eyes met mine, I swear lightning struck
Your kiss like a rogue wave, your heart like thunder
The rain on the window, your head on my shoulder
And then we Titanic’d the windows
We sauna’d the backseats  
We did it, with a capital DID IT
She wrapped her arms around me
And my wooden heart started to crack
And I even started to feel human again
She’d hug me, and I thought I’d might feel sane again
But I wasn’t okay, and it was obvious
Suffering from Post Traumatic Love Disorder
Yeah it’s ******* cheesy, but I like how it sounded
And I was fishing for an excuse
Hunting for an excuse to blame you for her sins
Because when you’re sick, you pass it on
You don’t mean or want to, but misery loves company
I started pointing fingers, and laying blame wherever you walked
I made it hard to love me, hard to like me
One day you had enough and politely screamed “Why…”
I replied “Because I hold grudges, and I don’t care,”
After a few weeks, neither did you
Your bad habits would stink up your bedroom, and mine
You gave me the rope to hang us both
I had all the evidence to execute us
I branded you a witch and me a demon
And burned us both
I left you to rot, and for that I will never forgive us
The pain I know you feel makes me scream and cry
Wish I could take it all, if only to see you smile
I hate myself for leaving, because we’ll never be the same
How dare I leave when I had so much left to say
If being me is such a crime, you never told me
I never asked to be this lonely
But I did force you out
Our failure is my fault only
Now when I’m with her, I think of you
And I hate you for that
You never gave me a chance t be better than him
You never gave me a chance to be good enough
One chance could have been enough
You could have been my everything
I would have given you everything
Now to humble me,
I am forced to witness an eternal insult
A most beautiful, ****, powerful woman
Who could have been a queen
Forever betrothed to a fool.
Now, my heart only beats for war
Like when I burned our castle down

It was a summer of mad mistakes and river crossings
Still young enough to not care about our futures
Yet old enough to know who to blame for our failures
Reckless birthdays, lethal college incursions, weekend exclusives
We stopped searching for answers and began hunting for prizes
In the midst of another wrestling match with the establishment,
We found ourselves stranded out in the heat of summer
And a familiar voice called out from the past
My name echoed across the humidity
I noticed her long legs before anything else, they were hard to miss
Her blond hair shimmered in the tiki torches, her eyes wrapped in black
It was an unexpected reunion, and we did not complain
A plot twist I never imagined, but welcomed with open arms
The kind of surprise I was excited to be surprised about, and I hate surprises
A turn that makes a bad movie suddenly interesting
An antagonist from the first Act, who returns from the dead to help the good guys
She was the punch line to a night of glorious mistakes
The cherry on top… and on bottom (we were both flexible in terms of analogies)
As were we passionate, and in need of something romantic, and *****
And it worked in both of our favors, and we took advantage of each other’s position
And it was glorious. We were glorious
It was a time when I was lonely enough to look for answers, but not so lonely
that I would lock my years away in solitude yet. Opportunity was still on my side  
I was still young enough to hope for the future
She was on a vendetta for a reason why her last relationship ended so badly
Looking for someone other than herself to blame,
To take the rage out on another unsuspecting body
And I was always looking for the next fight
And thus we both played ******* for the first hour or so
Followed by a game of “Hard-to-get” the next
By the third hour the liquid courage had peeled back some of our layers,
And we started to open up, recapping the gap in years since we last had saw each other
Turned out, our paths were more parallel than we’d thought
We were holding similar pains behind our bad boy and girl personas
I was amazed to find beneath it all the same girl I remembered last
Still a good girl despite all she’d been through, still an angel despite her horns
And she smiled when she realized despite all my misfortunes,
There was still a bit of the little wanna be bad boy from our teenage rebellions
We were still the ones we were into so many years ago
It scared us I think, because the next hour was spent on opposite sides of the front yard
There was fear in both our eyes, we were revealing too much way too early
Suddenly the walls went up, we both began to stutter even the easiest words
Pretending we weren’t constantly looking over our shoulders at each other
I was into her more than ever, and all I wanted was to tell her
But now I was afraid to say anything to her, terrified I’d scare her away
I’d rather wonder what if then hate myself for blowing it
But every minute I checked to see if she was still alone

When I saw her sitting cross legged on the driveway,
I knew I it was time to confess to her
So I approached as honestly as I could, and she knew I wasn’t playing with her
When she asked to share a smoke, I knew it was certain
I sat across from her the same way, and the game began
It was equal parts flirting and insulting, poking and prodding for any falsehoods
And the harder we looked, the harder we fell
We were suddenly lost, and for the first and only time,
It felt like freedom. The chemical madness overcame us, and set us free
Gods didn’t have such freedom
We could feel the eyes upon us, we were the secret attraction of the night
It made it even more devious, and we played to their jealousy
Let them watch, let them burn with envy at the two star crossed lovers in the driveway
We had been making out so long, we hadn’t noticed our audience had disappeared
Those who didn’t leave or go to sleep had made their way to the backyard
We could hear laughter… and splashing?
“Are they ******* swimming right now?”
We slipped through the gate to find a testosterone fest beneath the water
Obviously we weren’t gonna let them have all the fun, so we stripped down and dove in
And were greeted with a rather awkward situation
One of the boys noticed our swim suits with disappointment
“Wait, do you guys still have clothes on?”
“… You don’t?”
We were bold, but we hadn’t prepared for that
We politely refused, we had our own game to play
Still we joined in the tidal wave contest amongst one another
Splashing like children at summer camp
One by one the boys surrendered to their exhaustion
Until we were all alone
Suddenly I noticed she looked even better without her clothes
She was wearing all black lace, like the liner around her eyes
Which were daring me to make a move
I pulled her close and she pulled at my boxers
And we both smiled like criminals after a bank heist…

Gynecologist Warning: *** in the pool is dangerous and increases the risks of contracting an STD, as well as potentially damaging the walls of the reproductive organs

The dance is more fun when it’s dangerous… but that’s just my opinion.
Plus it was her idea, and it was pretty awesome
It wasn’t my first rodeo underwater, but it was certainly the best
Particularly when it’s not your pool…
Our only regret was probably that we should’ve started about an hour or so earlier
*** in the pool at night is exciting… *** in the pool at sunrise is asking for it
*** outdoors can go from romantic to perverse once the lights are turned on
And the neighbors would never forgive us if we were the sugar to their morning coffee
So we bolted for the back door, leaving our undergarments behind in the pool
We found an open couch in the abandoned basement, and threw a blanket over each other
We only stopped laughing to kiss again, and our hands refused to let go
It was like we forgot we were naked in someone else’s home
Or knew **** well, and were turned on even more because of it
Nothing mattered beyond the blankets
Nothing mattered but her smile and mine
And everything beneath them
I don’t know when we finally quit, but it was long after the sun had risen
And only after we were too exhausted to kiss any longer
I woke up alone, bare as Adam beneath the covers
Exhausted and exposed, yet nothing close to loneliness
For a moment I felt like a king in a conquered land
I laid back with my arms behind my head
And exhaled with a satisfaction I hadn’t felt in forever
And then the nearest door creaked open,
And the matron of the house entered my throne…
The blanket did little to hide my terror
And the realization of my exposed predicament
“Oh! Morning Karl, would you like some breakfast?”

“To be 21 and wild again
To be hopeful, and feral
And bright and wild eyed again…
To feel the passion of youth, the spring of energy,
To feel untouchable, to feel in front of the line
With the whole world in front of you again
Oh, to be 21 and alive again, to be free again…”
Except, we weren’t
Remember those days, and the games we’d play?
Life was so simple, we felt so brave
How quickly it passed us by, how cute when we tried to hold on tight
Then you proposed the crime of the ages
“Let’s just not grow up?”
Her bold rebellious attitude was just the tip of the iceberg that sunk me
Her curly brown hair made her look much younger, like me
It bounced around her face, made her look innocent
She had a button nose, with a dimple on either side
Her blue eyes radiant with life
Her girlish charm held back a monster worse than mine
She’s pretty ****** up, and there’s a lot of reasons why
Of course I saw that as a bonus, to find someone as dangerous as me
The fact that you liked my music steadily turned me on
But it quickly got dangerous
Soon I was in over my head
Oh you evil taunting cupid and your poisonous arrows…
If a full moon and an Indian Summer had a baby,
They would name it YOU
And I fell hard, head first and almost broke my arms
Just a drop of happiness, and I’d fight the world for you
We wanted it, not for them, but for us, for the rest of our lives
Every time we got back together, we thought it was forever, so we never asked why
We were both lonely, I took refuge inside of you
We were both very broken
It wasn’t that we mended each other,
It was more like our broken pieces fit really well together
But we never got better, we loved the broken versions too much
We cherished our tragedies, relished in our dramedies
I just wasn’t ready to handle such a fight
You just weren’t mature enough to understand the message

She’s already a distant memory, already too far gone
Only trophies and bruises remain
Her lipstick still stains the glass
I keep it as a trophy in the back of the cupboard
Less as a memory, more like a hunting trophy
Lesson learned, now I know better
I write that line to make you think I’m not into you
But really I couldn’t stop thinking about every bit of you
And how I know it’s not fate or misguided
I wanted to run away with you, pleaded with you
“All I know is somewhere beyond those tracks is where you and I live on,
The music is our train ride the hell out of here…”
I’m clear headed now
And the next time you feel the need to call me after 3, don’t
And don’t you call me “honey”, “dear”, or “darling” again
They’ve all been retired and overplayed
They leave me with a sour after break deep inside
Tell me again how this is best for both of us
How you did this for my sake, not just yours
And that I’m better off without you
Now the darkness has become my friend,
And you want me to keep you safe?
Fear not, for I would never let them hurt you
But we will never share the moonlight again
Now, you’re too weak for me, and I got plans to be
I’ve got a world to meet, now it’s you’re turn to watch
You did a bang up job making me feel welcome
Now I’ve got dibs on the good bye
I’ll wear the scars for you, they look better on me any way
We may have outgrown the lyrics, but not the meaning
The songs still haunt me, still mean so much to me
I fear they’ll follow me to my grave
Bury me beneath the tree where we first met,
At least my bones will rest young and happy
Love can really ******* up, you know
Here’s to hoping your arms are open, when I finally fall

In school, "******" was as bad as "*****"
It had been raining, I had been heart broken
The night was cold, it was almost Fall
My birthday was in the Fall, soon I'd be seventeen
I'd be seventeen, and still a ******
I may have broke it off, but she's the one who ended it
I may have been dumb, but she was unfaithful
Thus I ran, and dove into her arms
I knew she was older, she knew I was younger
She was lonely, looking for fun
I was lost, looking for a new rush
My face was red, I had been drinking
Her lips were red, she had been hunting
I found a corner to hide, but she smelled blood
Her eyes drilled into mine, she licked her lips and breathed fire
My legs started to shake, my lips started to quiver
She came like a viper, she slithered toward me
Hypnotized by her hips, my mouth watered at her *******
She sat on my lap, and looked me up and down
"You looked lonely," she said, "I think you're cute."
Boy was I, lonely that is, she took my beer and took a sip
Her perfume smelled like fruit, her breath smelled like candy
The warmth from her legs met mine, and my cheeks turned the color of her lips
My heart was dancing, her eyes were twinkling
She took me prisoner, and dragged me upstairs
She slammed the door and sealed my fate
Her smile was devious, her smell so sweet
Her hands on my belt, her tongue on my teeth
She kidnapped me beneath the sheets, she made me her prisoner of war
And I waved the red flag, I was ready for war
I wanted war, I wanted you
I wanted her, I wanted it, I wanted the badge
She dug her nails in my skin, I dug my teeth into hers
Our clothes took themselves off, her thong was black lace
She devoured me, I penetrated her
We danced, we kissed, we wrestled and sang
... And then it was over
It was over in twenty minutes
This veil of innocence that we chastised
That we mock and rush to throw away
Is so easily thrown away
But those twenty minutes were amazing, although I probably wasn't
She knew it was my first time, she called me out
"You're a ******," she said, "Don't tell me you're not."
Embarrassed I countered, "I'm also not eighteen."
She gasped in horror, and stormed out of the room
In her speed to grab her clothes, she'd forgotten to tell me her name
And to this day, I still don't know it.

I once believed you to be royalty, oh, the irony
Oh best believe,
That queen of mine? An Icy queen
Embracing calamity religiously
She kept a diary of bad ideas, most of them involving me
Love was never your problem
No, it was the trail of severed organs that followed you the **** around
I use to laugh whenever her hair got caught in her horns
Until one day she got mad and tore at my wings
I was far from Heaven Born
But compared to her, I was an angel
Possessed, from her head to her thighs
In my experience girls from that part of town
Didn’t have much back bone
Held too close as little ones
“It’s wise to stay away”, they would say
But she had these eyes
To blink was to do them injustice
They were on fire
They had back lighting
And a sound system
Her smile screamed evil
But those eyes looked like a roller coaster
They made my mouth water at the possibilities
Made my face red, made my knees week
At first her crazy was welcomed
A new challenge, a new adventure
Her insanity turned me the Hell on
But it didn’t take long to see it was but a taste
The more I welcomed, the crazier she became
The rabbit hole was deep, dark, and filled with thorns
Soon her childlike attitude revealed her serial killer nature
“I swear, I just wanna cuddle,”
You said as you wrapped your hands around my neck
Burned my arms with cigarettes
Id wake up deep within the night
And find you glowing, naked in the Marlboro light
Just before you plunged it into my thigh
It wasn’t love, it was an obstacle course
A bad trip, a worse come down
A pain that lasted for days
That drove me to the break
If I had a dime for every time
You held a razor to my eyes
and whispered “This won’t hurt a bit…”
Every so often I’d come to my senses
And hit the ejection button
A quick escape
To remind me what normal felt like
Pardon our abrupt, and violent ending
I needed an excuse to wake the **** up
Run the **** away,
And never see you again
You gave me everyone I never wanted to meet
A dozen different sides to your coin
And every time I saw the light and ran
You’d punish me still
Every time I left, the kissing booth reopened
Above it read, “Help Me Make Him Miserable,
Help Me Break His Heart,”
I’d ask her why
And she’d slap the **** out of me
As if my broken heart was an insult to her
My insulting humanity an attack on her insanity
How dare I find offense in her abuse
How dare I fight her assault
To see myself as a human worthy of freedom
What insult to want to be loved without fear
She never really let me go
For too long after she held my number hostage
Leaving horror movie voice mails
Kidnapped an innocent part of me
Torturing it whenever she got bored
And calling me so I could listen to it
She would sing songs in her messages
******* acapellas that celebrated her madness
The soundtrack to a horror film
The little girl in white
Jumping rope in you’re nightmares
“You’ll never get rid of me…”
You’re right, I won’t
You’ll forever be a lesson in how never to be
“Imagine me and you…”
I do,
I hate you for it every time,
And every night,
I think about the girl you were
Out of her mind
So happy without you…
“Baby, we could’ve been something”
Yeah I know
It scares the living **** out of me
I gave up everything that hurts, including you
Never again will I let you hold my breath
You’re nothing to me but another dead relationship
That stinks no matter how much concrete I pour on it

One time, Monopoly got ******
Of all the board games, not the one you’d expect to get x rated
Hungry Hippos seems more ******
Or holdem, or Don’t Wake Daddy
Although that one would be pretty ****** up
But anything’s ****** when you have a woman like that as admin
She’ll turn morning cartoons into a pornhub episode
She hass a vendetta against the boring normal
The color of her hair matched the fire in her eyes
The curves of her hips matched the fury that moved them
As ruthless as she was beautiful
Yet her armor was breaking, I could see many dents and cracks
But she brushed it off, and just looked at me with a sinister face
Her fingers danced across the board
Her body moved to the music in the background
She’d lick her fingers before grabbing a card
Everything she did was planned
She knew I was watching
I knew she was in control
She’d lean over the table to expose beneath her shirt
And if her piece, ended up near my end of the board?
The torture began
And she started dancing around my mind
Her *** was center stage
Her body filled with my fantasies
I was her leftover toy
And she loved treating me like a board game
Something to toss around for fun
Her sinister intentions made my face red
I was an experiment that she treated like pre funding
I was not a person, I was a subject
Her target, her new trophie
She was clearly into abuse
I don’t judge fantasies, but dayum
I melted in her hand
She turned it up to eleven
I stopped paying attention to the game
And she started winning
“I own that property, now you owe me something…”
I look at her dumbfounded
Her leg brushes mine, and she reveals a ***** little secret
Something she’s not wearing underneath
I hear her mom doing dishes in the kitchen
I look at her with doubt
She smiles like a movie villain
And bites her tongue with evil excitement
She dances on my tongue like champagne bubbles
Her fingers dance like a spider across my leg
And it doesn’t even creep me out
She uses her tongue like a toothbrush
She grabs me so hard I lose my breath
Forces my hands onto her
I hear her mother’s footsteps
“You can’t be serious…” I whisper
“It’s more fun this way” she giggles gleefully
She pulls away just as her mother enters the room
She tells her mom we have to leave for a study group
We leave the game unfinished
She grabs the stick shift with her hand, and my ear with her teeth
She whispers, “Let’s get crazy tonight…”

These are the events that occurred on October 2nd, 2015
these are the facts, the series of events from start to finish
sadly, it's my fault... she's just another excuse
love is meaningless without a hurt to give it life
without the pain of their absence, the sting of watching them go
she draws analogies to a virus I once had
she reopened the injuries of one before her
one that I blamed for too many of my disabilities
but let's stop there, another confession for another time
let's get back to this one
stay with me... I know it's a lot to take in

Well, it was my birthday, and I knew I'd be miserable
so I planned accordingly, what happened happened
I didn't know what to expect, so I expected the worst
something felt off that evening, we both felt it
sadly no one else did, they let us suffer
hell, they couldn't even remember my ******* birthday
what a moment, what a memory to share
when those whom you believe in most, stop believing in you
so I stumbled out without saying a word of goodbye
out into the night of my birth, wanting to die
then the phone rang, as it always did in my worst moments
but it wasn't them, it was you
seriously? did your ****-His-Life-Again radar just start pinging?
the most twisted thing, is she's not nearly as evil as she leads on
it's 70% *******, and I always knew it, its part of what I liked about her
she was covering up as much as I was, it was a secret that bonded and broke us
we were both ****** up, but for different reasons

Behind the scenes, the young damaged darling crept out
along came a spider, crawled up inside her, now her heart was a festering wound
try as I may I could never stop the bleeding
and the pain only numbs when she's hurting someone else
I was a closet *******, so we fit really well... at first
but I got tired of palming a blade in bed so, you know
I must've been pretty out of it for you to talk me into it
not the first time, not the last time either, just easier to forget
I had escaped you, I was free of your grasp
had moved on, found someone better for me
someone who didn't try to make me into something else
you never knew how to take no for an answer
once you smelled the blood on my tongue...
TRUST, you don't need to remind me of all the mistakes
I'm very aware of everyone you know about, and everyone you don't
but to taste you again, feel you again,
to feel what I once felt before
I was weak, and I wanted, I wanted to... Feel
we picked up right where we always left off, naked and angry
it was through you I learned the difference between *******, and making love
where I learned the difference between love and... whatever we were
I spent more time naked with you than any other person in my life
and not just the **** times
I shared everything with you, things I couldn't afford to give away
so EXCUSE ME if it's a little difficult to get over it
not that I'm not the guilty party here, but accessory much?
so once again you got the best of me
so good ******* riddance, pardon my bitterness
because I haven't found anyone better since
and it's starting to worry me that I never will
I guess that's the price of vengeance - a whole lot of anger, a whole lot of nothing
you were my most heartbreaking fourth quarter
and my heart breaks, because you won't say anything
I was a quick fix, an asset
and you'd just wipe away the blood, and walk away,
pretend it never happened
yet your name's still tattooed on my shoulder
I'll always love her, and I'll always hate her for that
and with that, another chapter closes, yet no end in sight.

you know what's ****** up? My mom reads these...

I knew she was out of my league
She was on another level
She was on another wavelength
I was Pony league, she was pro
I was amateur, she was celebrity
She was better looking, more experienced
She was more woman than I was man
She was a ghetto goddess
I was a dork
She was used to guys who beat up guys like me
I was used to girls who wore pink nail polish
The thought of even knowing her never even crossed my mind
Like it was even possible
Yet there we were, alone together,
In a ****** room at a ****** party,
And you thought I was just cute enough
You gave me your number, then demanded mine
This chick made me wish I was anyone but me
Someone more badass, more debonair
She was everything intimidating,
Too much woman for most men, more manly than some men
And for some reason, she wanted me
Our first date, her choice – a pool hall.
She schooled me on the man’s game
Our second date, her choice – Six Flags.
She only wanted to try the scary rides
Each date made me feel less worthy
Yet still she wanted me
Our third date was at her mother’s house
She made me dinner
She made me pasta, my favorite
And then we went to the bassment for a game of pool
Because she was that badass
Halfway into the game. She learned her mother would be gone for the night
So she grabbed a Billy Idol record, and started “Rebel Yell”
Like it was her anthem
As it began to play she said,
“If you can’t make this ******* needle skip, you ain’t hitting it right”
And she took off her shirt
And I almost cried with delight
No one had ever talked ***** to me before
Only in ****** had I seen such scenes like this
Now I was in one
And it was loud and rough, and wet and wild,
It was dangerous, it was merciless
It was a boy’s dream, it was a man’s heaven
Round One was on the pool table
We ripped the clothing from out bodies
Stripes and solids bounced off the floor
Tongues and arms spread across the table
She was a loud lover, and I loved it
Her legs wrapped around my neck
Her hands clinging to the pockets
Like I was the hero in an action film
Breaking the rules, banging the hottest woman
I was a seventeen year old MAN
(Oh and old Billy didn’t make it to the second chorus,
I made that needle skip)
Round Two was in her bedroom
She changed uniforms, into a pink lace shirt
That neither covered up, nor hid anything
Instead, it somehow made her even sexier
And the battle raged on
Into the night, and the morning beyond
The bed was soaked and stained
She flopped on top of me  with a slap of our sweaty skin
And I wore her like a trophy
As we both gasped for air,
I stuttered, “ I could get use to nights like this…”
And she turned to me, and we locked eyes,
“Nah, you’re not angry enough in bed for me.”
“I didn’t know we were suppose to be angry in bed.”
“Yeah, that’s why I usually date older guys...
They’re much more violent in bed… but this was okay.”
You know what’s worst than a bad *****?
A good ***** with a bad ending.

The night I had her was the night I lost her
Our first night, was our last night
It was I who ended it the first time
I did the unthinkable
I chose my happiness over hers
I chose dreams
But now I was looking for a second chance
Oh, but she had other plans,
This wasn't a new beginning, but a final end
For the record, she was one of the best
And I pushed her away
And second chances don't always work
Especially one sided ones
But I'm an optimistic when it comes to unrealistic hopes
To me, her yes meant more than just a date
To me, it meant she saw me as more than a once upon a time
And for once, I was ready to make the jump again

Dinner was cordial, but the messages were clear
We were both hungry, and not for the food
I took the check and we hit the road
But where to go?
Destiny, it seems wanted us to dance
My phone began to tickle my pants
A friend close by
"Drinks and games tonight?"
I looked in her eyes, they lit up with delight
"Let's have a few, and have some fun"
I hit the gas like an action movie
We flew through the polite introductions
And the beer began to flow
By round three I couldn't keep my hands off her
And she seemed not to mind
By midnight we were covered in smiles
Dancing and touching beneath the spotlight of the old suburban garage
She breathed her breath into mine
Pulled me close and whispered
"Let's get out of here,"
The goodbyes were quick as we ran for the door,
Plowed through the snow and dove into the car
As the Chevy warmed up, so too did we
Our hands and lips protected each other from the cold
I readied the car to leave, but she stopped me cold
and cooked me in her arms
"Take your pants off, NOW"

Still don't know if I'm running to or running from.
I hitched a plane West, for a dream I fear is already dead.
For what I thought I saw is already gone.
Thought I saw tomorrow, but it was a lie.
Thought I saw a better future, but I was blind.
Painting dreams on the insides of my eyelids.
I had years to plan, but instead I landed like a refugee,
with lint in my pockets and tears in my eyes.
Running from phantoms, the very phantoms,
I need to survive.
Wishing for the very things that will be the very death of me.
So many dreams across my eyelids, I painted them shut.
I dreamt myself blind.
Bankrupted my future with delusions of grandeur.
Threw away my present, because I thought the present didn't matter.
"The future will set me free", I boasted.
But what happens when you outrun tomorrow?
And the money's gone, and everyone else has moved on?
Everyone except you, of course.
You pushed your friends away,
ignored your family's pleas,
I thought, "The future will solve my problems."
Why did I throw all my friends away,
knowing how hard it is for me to make friends?
Because I believed too much in Tomorrow.
I believed, but I didn't prepare.
I rolled the dice, but forgot to bet.
I built the house, but never laid the concrete.
And now Today is Tomorrow, and Tomorrow is Today.
And now I'm all alone, trapped on another planet, so far from home.
I'm at a Crossroads, and there is no safe route.
There is no less traveled, there is no less wild.
I am what I always wanted to be.
Alone.

The hardest part of my day was finding a reason not to
And most nights, that reason was you
Most of the time, you weren’t even there
You were miles away with someone else
Yet you always picked up, or called right back
You listened, you laughed, you made me smile
You let me bleed through the airwaves, you were patient
You never judged though we knew who’s fault it was
(Mine)
You talked me off so many ledges, when all I wanted to do was jump
You saved me so many nights, just by being you
You ended every phone call with “I LOVE YOU!”
Not some secret or shy I love you
No you preached it loud and proud
As if you wanted the world to know it
It made me want to say it louder
But I was afraid of the word
Afraid I wasn’t good enough for you
So afraid, that I didn’t realize just how much I loved until it was too late
You even saved me the first day we met
You were always a superhero
You saw how hurt I was, how shamed I was in the face of her betrayal
Took me by the hand and whispered “Don’t worry, I’ll be your Girlfriend for the day.”
My heart grew two sizes that moment
(Something else grew, but we won’t talk about it)
We made her boil with jealousy
and she ran away in defeat
but you didn't let go there
You held me close through the cemetery
Partly out of fear, but we were both afraid, just of different things
I think that’s why “we” never happened
Why we always loved from afar

I was a dork, you were a dweeb
Our awkward behavior collided like peanut butter and jelly
Like peas and carrots
Like mac and cheese
I still feel it now
At least the memory of it, the shadow of it
Even that’s enough to keep me warm
I still hear your laugh ringing in my ears
And those baby browns
The way you’d smile when I’d pull up
Made me feel like a movie star
I’m a ***** guy, yet your pretty eyes and woman curves
Made me rethink who I was
I just wanted you beside, in front of, on top of me no matter what
I wanted to wrap your little heart in bubble wrap
And cover your ears in love songs
But you wanted stable, I didn’t even know the meaning of the word
I was afraid I’d fall, you were afraid you’d join me
Thus I loved you from afar, and forever will

No, it’s not fair, ******,
But the world ain’t a fair place
You know that better than most
And knowing someone as beautiful, as courageous,
As kind hearted as you could love me
Is more than enough to make me believe my dweeb is still out there.
I owe you a lifetime for that, many in fact,
So many nights I would’ve jumped were it not for you.

I spent Easter at Denny's.
It was 11 at night.
It was crowded and noisy, a baby was screaming.
There was a fly in my water, it tasted metallic.
I drank half of it.
Across from me was a table filled with adolescent boys and girls,
they were laughing at their own faces.
Next to me was a pair of kids, one of whom was freaking out.
"I can't sit here! I need to move! I don't feel safe here!"
They moved.
A pair of rugged, poorly dressed Mexicans took their place.
One sipped ten single serving creamer cups before his decaf
coffee arrived, where he added three more.
The other kept looking at me, and shaking his head.
I got the jalapeno Grand Slam.
There was nothing Grand about it.
The eggs were cold and the taste of jalapeno gave me a headache.
The whole place smelled like loneliness.
The whole place felt smelly.
I haven't been back since.

Almost three in the afternoon, and I’m barely on my second cigarette
That’s the best I’ve been all year, and it hasn’t been easy
The days feel like a forever, just as the months sift through my fingers
Started reopening old wounds, reliving the post trauma of past disorders
Me and sobriety tag teamed against my addictions is never a fair fight, not for us
So to fight the night, I play the war cries of my past life
But it also triggers a tornado of flashbacks that may prove harder to escape
Just so happens, the storm drops me into the wasteland following High School
This post puberty, postmortem gutter i had trapped myself in
A time of mutual disruption and inspiration, which often go hand in hand
I found myself wandering the wilderness with a rabid wolf pack from the suburbs
This crew was crazy… and not in the “seen too many movies” crazy
We’re talking smoking crack in an Indiana cornfield at three in the afternoon crazy
Leading rebellions in a midnight diner, flipping tables and calling everyone a Communist
Getting beat down and thrown out of a ******* for sticking a finger into a stripper’s -
LISTEN, crazy ****, okay?
They were Lost Boys, Wild Boys, Rockstars, Freedom Fighters
Allow me to set the stage for most nights down this rabbit hole
A run down foreclosure filled with delinquents and refugees
The basement is ten decibels too loud and ten degrees too hot
The entire shell of the home pulses from the energy beneath it
We enter through a side door, and everyone nods us in
Down the stairwell, all you can see is a blood red fog striped by laser beams
It looks alive with its own toxic attitude
It beckons us further down, with an evil laugh and an angry drum
We crowd into a VIP room just off the basement dance floor
Several lines of happy powder cut by a razor peak across a Green Day album
The room stinks of smoke, sweat and stress… but don’t judge us for our lifestyle
If you’ve never altered your state of mind, how the **** do you know you’re in the right one?
As I smile at that rebellious thought, a blue haired temptress catches my eyes, and smiles
She makes room for me on the couch, and we trade names
She was dripping in *** appeal beneath her studded leather jacket, and beneath that… her true beauty
Her mind was a well crafted musical instrument, of which she played only for the Devil
Maybe that’s how she was raised, maybe that’s just how she got attention
Trust that I know what love is, better than most who have claimed the title
But sometimes, it’s the absolute last thing that you need or want
So I countered with my own Satan’s fiddle
It we’re speaking maturity, I was nowhere near the age of consent
She said I had some point of view issues, and I said,
“You mean how my view keeps pointing me in the wrong direction?”
“******* little boy, careless of the crimes to come?”
Sensing a dead end, I looked for my crew, but they were nowhere in sight
Yep, those are my friends, my kin, the ones who abandoned me
We made out for a while before she stopped me with sad eyes and a pearly grin
“Sorry darlin, but there’s just something twisted about you...”
She would die from ****** a week after telling me that, and it hit the tribe hard
I kept that dagger she pierced me with close to my chest long after that
Next time I saw the leader of our pack, he was far from the warrior he once was
Less than a shadow, barely a voice, with a needle in his arm
I left his house after only an hour, and cried for an hour after that
I sat in my car, in a Chicago December, freezing my nuts off
Because I forgot to turn the car on, because I was too busy mourning the loss
of so many visionaries, so many poets
These beautiful individuals who inspired me, they were dead… gone forever.

After that, I pulled the headphones off, and lit another cigarette to ease my mind.

She was a flower in a field of glass,
but her thorns were sharper still.
If you held her for too long you started to bleed.
Yet I couldn't let her go.
The pain was too sweet.
She had emeralds for eyes.
The curves of her stem were perfect.
But her roots were too deep in the glass.
Her pedals were sweet smelling,
but her leaves were razor sharp.
Her scent was a beautiful poison,
her colors were bright and exotic.
She was dangerous, and I loved it.
Beneath the glass was concrete.
The city was her home.
She bloomed beneath the bright lights.
She yearned to grow wild and free,
she wanted to sprout among the other flowers,
but she poisoned them all,
and her roots could not escape the pain.
In the glass were mounds of bones,
of those who held her too long.
Their blood helped her grow,
but also made her poisonous.
I long to taste her again,
yet I know she'll never taste the same.
The scars on my hand will never heal.
And I don't want them to.

A picture that haunts my heart,
traps me ten years ago, five years ago,
a lifetime since,
but that life is over,
and you cant move on from it.
It was far from the life you wanted anyway, but you miss it, its not getting any better,
it only gets harder from here, most people just up the dose and read to the last page, like they didnt already know,
how it was gonna end, why bother
they just stopped writing halfway through.
I feel like I'm still in the prologue, afraid thats all I'll ever write that makes sense.

Let’s start with how beautiful you are
You’re a firecracker strapped to a bottle rocket,
Tied to a battle axe, wrapped in lace *******
I want you. I wanted you last year.
When I see you, my tongue gets lost in my throat
My hands forget which one’s left,
My body goes limp, and whatever I’m doing
Becomes a mistake
You’re a margarita on a beautiful beach mid morning
With three days off, and the smell of barbecue in the air
You’re a chocolate covered strawberry served with cold egg nog
Next to a warm fire at Christmas
And I am a wreck
I’m a car wreck, baby
You should just drive around,
and let the paramedics sort my insides out
when my heart broke, it shattered like a car window
into a thousand pieces in every direction
and there I let the pieces stay
and we’ve only begun to see the damage
if there’s anything left, I’d give it to you
but I can’t promise there’s anything worth saving
this all started before you
I don’t even know if it can be fixed
I don’t even know if I can salvage
You need something more intact
My last driver was a little reckless
Drove it like she stole it
Drove it like she planned to crash it
Like she planned to die along with it
And between her and some others,
I’m afraid I’m a little spent
And may need some time to mend
You’ve got promise, you’ve got plans
There’s nothing but carnage down my road
I’d only end up damaging you too
Like most of the people who’ve tried before you
This isn’t easy to say, it’s not smart or manly
I want you more than you want me
I’ll regret this for a long time
Hate myself for even longer
But I’d rather run and wonder
Than hurt you. And hate myself even more
The fact that I’m writing this at all is all the proof you need
To know I don’t deserve you, and you’re better off without me
I just really need some time alone.

If god is in LA, he’s on Skid Row
Not the Hills, or Santa Monica, not the Valley either
He’s not hanging from the rear view of your six figure transport
Tell me again how that Jesus piece got you that Rolls Royce
Like it was piety that gave you fame and fortune
Confess your sinless life if he has already given you everything
Was that why last year happened? And the year before?
Instead of saving the world he was helping you climb the ladder?
He can’t feed starving countries, but he grants you immortality?
Most people of the world **** in a bucket
But somehow you heard his voice before them
You needed God to tell you how to be a better person?
Had to read his words to learn right from wrong?
Like, it wasn’t obvious already?
I’ve read the words of God, in many languages
I know more about your God than you do
If he’s more focused on enriching your life
Maybe that’s why this place is so damaged
If he’s in this world, he’s got bigger concern than your millions
If he spends more time with you than those who suffer
Than God is not a very good one
And if your car costs more than a house
Than you’re not a very good believer

The hotel light flickers "Vacancy" on and off,
And I'm like, "I feel you"
In more ways than one
Like my head
Some days it's filled to the brim
With fascinating ideas and inspiration
And some days?
Nobody's home.
Like my heart
Some days it glows with a welcoming light that burns fierce and screams
"I wish to love!"
And other days it's vacant, empty,
Broken and neglected.
Like my dreams
That can bring light to the darkest of places
But other times are inaccessible,
Bleak and busted
Like my friends
Who can be a guiding beacon
Through my darkest moments
But they can also leave me out in the cold
Like my good days
When there's always somewhere to go
When nothing is impossible
Like my bad days
When the world turns on me
And tells me I don't belong here
Like that flickering "Vacancy" sign
Some days not even the darkness can enslave you
And other days
You're on your own.

I still dream it seems
Surprises me too
At some point,
the stress of the real world
You'd think
After every failure
Endless nights of,
Nothing, really
And it's torture
For the mind, body, soul
All the brain damage
The body slowly dies
A life of just work
Years dreaming for better
So many hard truths
You hope, but
This fleeting world
Loneliness, pointlessnes
Belligerent with no fight
No purpose or place
So many, just
Living to die

I am emotional, but I am fearless
I am stronger among the pack,
yet I prefer to be on my own path
Sometimes I am the swift hunter,
sometimes I am the cowardly scavenger
I can be loud and ferocious,
I can be quiet and submissive
If I wish, I can make my presence known in an instant,
or I may stay invisible.
I avoid conflict when I can, yet I am fiercely territorial
By day I am the lazy dog,
at night I am the vicious predator
I am your best friend, I am your worst nightmare
I'm not always a monster, but I will **** for what I love
It is possible to discipline me, but its no easy task
And you'll never take the wild out of me
My soft fur hides my fangs
I am the Wolf

I just wanted to feel again
For too long I was trained to feel nothing
Self medication was killing my senses
The government numbed my feelings
Her lack of love killed my hope
She had cheated on me again
I was a thousand miles from home
And then I met you

I was broken, lonely, lost, and dazed
confused, hollow, a killing machine for Uncle Sam
But deep down, the trapped little boy cried out
for passion, for love,
to feel something other than nothing
and there you were
An angel with a devilish smile
the Southern Belle I'd always dreamed of
On a park bench outside the rec I confessed
with so much fear, I wasn't ready to let my heart go again
but I really liked you, and I couldn't hold it back anymore
instead of being let down, you lifted me up
from a painful October to a November of dancing
your name rolled off the tongue
like an Italian singing to a Sinatra Sonata
Kellie Greene
a North Carolina peach with a body like a violin
a beautiful, **** warrior woman, with a heart of gold
Who knew such women existed!

With each moment I fell harder, loved more dangerously
I kept winning, so I kept pushing my luck
with you, I always got lucky
I loved you
and you loved me back twice
each kiss was a ****** shot that froze me in place
don't even start me on your Southern curves
or your Carolina twang
God crafted you like a sword smith crafts a katana
smooth, ****, and razor sharp
few deserve such a goddess
I sure didn't, but Fate doesn't always pick favorites
Fate give me you, and you gave me something
I never knew existed
Love that didn't cost me freedom,
Love that didn't drive me mad
Love that didn't leave withdrawals
Love I wasn't afraid to give back
And the *** was something the angels sing about.

If there was a poem that could save us both,
I'd write it in a single stroke,
If it needed I'd use my blood,
And fall down dead once I was done,
But such a hope cannot be so,
Our choices made us long ago,
Words can truly change the world,
But cannot change the past, my girl.

The lights are sharp but dim
The music loud but soothing
I escape to the darkness inside
To yesterday and the day before
I escape to her
She was mine but a memory ago
I smell her perfume
She moves like an enchantress
Her body hypnotic
I smell her sweat
I want a taste
Her eyes glow in the dark
They hide a darkness
She dances to forget
I watch her to remember
I’m not good enough anymore
I creep her out
At least that’s what it feels like
I watch her from the shadows
Pretend she doesn’t make me quiver
Pretend I don’t worship her at night
Every perfect piece of her
Her perfect everything
Perfect for me
I wanna do it like they do in the movies
Covered in sweat and candle wax
Surrounded by music
There’s plenty of other women I want
She’s just at the top of the list
She’s dangerous and crazy
She’s broken like me
My muse for my ***** thoughts
But she doesn’t want to come back
She’s not ready to feel again
I fear I’m the only one crazy enough to try
So I have to play along
And not let it tear me apart
Easier said than done
Easier had than loved.

A wind like razors in a blackened night
Walls of air, blades of light on feeble shadows
A taunting wind scars a hunter’s moon
a song of death and disease
Love like famine, streets filled with bodies
walls of bones like catacombs
Rains of ash burn on wet cheeks
The wind catcalls and the shadows vanish
The stained smell of sulfur and smoke
A midnight sunrise on the horizon
Warriors charge forth with glowing eyes
Teeth like fangs, looting their own tombs
Faces of gold melted to blanks
Traitors to their own names
Sold out and surrendered for a generation
Faithless and furried loveless and shamed
They march for a calling, they fall on deaf beliefs
For centuries they cried in the darkness, alone
Tear apart their clothes, their children are all dead!
Left to rot beneath the old and rich
Now only the rich are old, and the young bleed
The streets run black and blue with broken promises
Mother Nature turned savage with envy
Had to remind us *******
We cannot howl like wolves, roar like lions
We are weak and feeble, no claws or fur
Foolish insects without the shell
The true prey, the final ****

I pulled myself from the gallows, don’t you ever forget
I pulled myself from the grave, even if I dug it in the first place
What demons I couldn’t pull from my chest,
I choked with a leash until they became mine
No, I’m no demon, but I’ll be ****** if I’m pulled beneath the ground again
And if I must stay alive and be ******, well, we all make sacrifices
And sometimes that means yourself
If I must live scarred, it will be my own wounds from here on out
I bled too much for others, paid for too many of their sins
Now I only bleed for those who did for me
It’s a dangerous pact, but rightfully so,
In a world so infested with back stabbers, face crawlers, and pirates
“Them’s fightin’ words!”
Well I rehearsed it the other way a thousand ways,
And they booed me off the stage for being too “nice”
Thus Frankenstein rises again
the Fourth Act of the living dead
A chorus of dead organs with the brain of a monster
With only a gifted few who know the tune to his heart
Hold your love close, cover it in cold iron
All I ever wanted was to be a lover
But you’ve never let me stop fighting
Long enough to heal my face, or ice my knuckles
One battle after another, sometimes simply to stay alive
And no fight was ever good enough
No amount of blood enough to allow peaceful passage
No amount of tragedy enough for a break
So now I’m most at peace, when the battle rages around me
Well fine, let the drums sound and the bells chime
I’m better when I’m unhappy, it’s welcoming
Tragedy comforting like a warm blanket
My blood boils at the sight of danger
My brain runs on auto pilot when **** hits the fan
I guess I’m just happier when I’m angry
That’s not unhealthy is it?
When I die, will they say “He died unhappy and thus,
He died doing what he loved”?
Nah, they’ll just make my end a tragedy too.
Say they did everything they could
Or he was a monster, not much left of him
Or that they never saw it coming.
That I was the one that didn’t belong
Maybe I never wanted to.
I sure as Hell don't now.

You said, "The key to happiness is self preservation."
I don't think you know what happiness means.

Clearly, you've never kissed in the freezing rain.
Clearly you've never had *** in a stranger's pool in the middle of the night.
You've probably never had a midnight snowball fight without gloves or a jacket.
There's no way you've ever been on a roller coaster.
You've obviously never taken a punch for a friend.
I'll bet you've never taken the blame for something you're little sister did.
I'm sure you've never gone bike riding through a lightning storm.
And you've most certainly never been in love,
Or moved to a new city with nothing but a suitcase.
Or enlisted in the military.
Or driven into a terrifying part of town to rescue a drunk cousin.
Or committed a serious crime, or deployed a school prank.
Or road tripped to a college and gotten stupid drunk.
Or played tackle football on Thanksgiving with your older cousin's friends.
And you've **** sure never snuck out into the night,
or jumped into a fight for one of your friends.
And something tells me you know nothing of signing your life away for a cause greater than your own.
Have you ever gone paint balling? Or white water rafting?
Rock climbing? Street racing?
Have you ever played with fireworks?
Or shared a meal with a homeless person?
Didn't think so.
Have you ever played truth or dare? Probably not.
You've never quit your job to pursue a dream,
you've never rolled the dice of fate, knowing death could be as probable as life.
And you **** sure have never willingly given your self fully to another, to do with whatever they please, because without them you'll never be whole again.
And there's no way in Hell you've ever begged out into the darkness to trade your life with a family members, wishing to take their pain away and wear it like a trophy so they can be happy again.

You see, the key to HAPPINESS is LIFE.
The key to LIFE is being ALIVE.
And the preservation of the moments, and people that make you feel alive, that remind you how precious and beautiful being alive is.
And in order to feel alive, sometimes you have to put your life on the line, and live a little dangerously.
Sometimes that means not knowing where your life is gonna go.
Sometimes it means preserving someone else's life before you're own.
Because happiness is knowing your life is worth living.
Save your preservation for when you're dead.
By then it won't matter anyways.
But hey, what do I know?
You'll be a perfect corpse some day. Way prettier than mine.

Love, real love, makes absolutely no sense.
How sensible can it be that this one person,
one in seven billion, can just show up out of ******* nowhere,
shatter everything you believe in,
change your entire outlook on life,
and reduce you to a child, just by existing?
How can this one person render everything before them meaningless,
and then resurrect you into the holiest,
happiest time of your life?
Your food tastes better,
music sounds sweeter,
and every minute with them feels like a dream world
on another planet...
How can that be?
And worse, how is it when they're gone,
the very color seems to be ****** from the Earth?
Where the Hell is the science to that?
How can that make sense?
Maybe that's why it's so addictive, maybe that's why it hurts so much,
because it defies the very fabric of reality,
it spits in the faces of scientific reason,
it rewrites the books of psychology.
Maybe that's why whether we feel it or not,
we are fascinated by it.
No matter how many religions are debunked,
no matter how many urban legends are solved,
or how many magic tricks are explained,
there is still absolutely no control over true love.
You can't protect, control, or fight it.
Love is as fulfilling as it is violating.
Love is a pill that takes all your pain away,
but comes with so many side effects,
you wonder if it really works.
Love is a roulette wheel where anything red is jackpot,
but anything black is death,
and it spins everyday.
Love will extend your life.
Love will **** you early.
Love is War.
War is a drug.

Your yelling makes my heart hurt. How dare you use that L word.
I know what it really looks like, what it really feels like.
You don't have it. You don't understand it.
Yet you dare to use that word. You dare to call it real.
The real thing isn't selfish.The real thing doesn't lie.
It doesn't yell in the middle of the night, it doesn't point fingers.
It doesn't treat people the way you treat each other.
Sure, it's not perfect. It hurts, and it destroys.
But it's real. How dare you call it real.
You, who lie and cheat and steal.
HOW DARE YOU USE THAT WORD.
You give it a bad name.
You're the reason people are afraid of it.
You should be ashamed.
It should be a crime for people like you to use that word.
Your lying makes my head hurt.
You speak of it like it's an agreement. Some sick selfish
contract with clauses and guidelines.
People like you try to destroy the meaning of the word.
You have no right to even whisper it.
You'll never understand it. Good, you don't deserve to.
It's not meant for people like you.
You're too selfish. You're too sick.
You're selfishness makes my stomach churn.
You don't even know the language. It's not meant for you.
I know it's not perfect. I know it's painful.
I've tasted it, and I've burnt my tongue.
But I don't speak ill of it.
I know it's better to have never had it.
I know how much it hurts.
But at least I've been there. How dare you say it out loud.
You never had it, you never will. It's not meant for you.
Your "Love" makes me sick.

After my last breakup, I had this dream

Two goddesses, one dressed in white, the other in black,
The one in white, will call her goddess ebony
The one in black, she is Ivory, cause its my ******* dream
They’re both perfect, both way out of my league, if I ever had one
Standing over me, tempting me with their beauty
Neither is good or bad, both are equally dangerous
Their whispers make my ears tingle, their bodies make my head spin
No matter which I choose, it will be the wrong choice
Both will punish me regardless; tormenting me, torturing me
Loving every minute of it, savoring my awkward embarrassment
I want them both so bad, they’ll haunt my dreams for weeks
The only way this will end “well”, is if I don’t make a choice
Which instead will leave me lonely, abandoned
Is it that greedy to want to be happy?
I’m already happy, I say out loud to them
They smirk and giggle, leave me there feeling lost as a child
It was the right choice, I swear to myself
But no matter what I say, they respond the same
Laughing at the colosal **** up before them
How dare I dare to speak to them like I’m good enough
This poor, unfortunate, sad sack of bones without gold
So many beautiful women around me, makes me feel hideous
So I close my eyes, tight as they’ll go, but they never go away
They never disappear, always linger long enough to sting
I don’t have a voice, because I don’t believe in mine
I’m lost in translation, and I speak the same language
But I’m known for setting my standards low, so
The demons are always smarter than angels
I blame them, but I blame myself far more
But you’ll never see the light if you won’t step out of the darkness
You know me, I’ll surrender before I walk away
Now, it seems all I can remember are my dreams
Now you know why I never smile in my sleep

Your smile, sweet flowers
Electric eyes, a girly smile
Curves for days, sass all night
Dancing to the mariachis
Laughing like there’s no tomorrow
Chasing the children chasing each other
Staring at each other from across the room
Smiling every time
We saw the future together
I wanted it today
You always looked at me different
I always made you laugh
We’d always talk ****, hiding our real intentions
So our eyes did the talking
Wishing our hands could do the dancing
So we waited
We were still young and stupid
Yet we learned so much
But when we couldn’t hide it anymore
Others began to notice
The games became the only game
We were not playing it right
We were from different worlds
From different lives
But we didn’t care
At least, I didn’t
We were warned and threatened
But it was too late
Soon the night was our dance floor
We loved and sang as one
But always in secret
Sometimes, that made it sweeter
Made it more dangerous
Added to our fun
The forbidden made it all the more passionate
And each night when we said goodbye
We kissed at laughed, children committing their first crimes
Runaways clinging to love
But it wasn’t love, you said
Our future can never be
Our families would wage war, our friends would rise up
You’re too you, I’m too me
Our worlds would never embrace, only collide
I’d bite my tongue, pretend not to be hurt
Because I still had you, thought time was on my side
How foolish
All good things end
All great things are torn away
Your brothers threatened violence
Your mother threatened banishment
“He’s not like us”
It was more than fun to me, more than just an adventure
It wasn’t easy for you either,
You just pretended to be stronger
“This isn’t really love”
Speak for yourself.

I know pain
By it’s first names, intimately
The pain isn’t even the hard part
But the hole it leaves when I don’t feel it
Even though it’s always there
A phantom with no pain
Asinine, pointless
You learn to make pain feel
Get used to it, make it part of you
Made my pain an edge, an advantage
Kept it close like my enemies
Put it there for safe keeping
And it’s kept me safe, at least the feeling of it
But now I don’t need it anymore
Awkward, once you can’t turn it off
It's been concealed and carried for way too long
become a part of me
latched to my ribs
Right between my lungs
Becoming another pain within
Sticks to the skin and itches inside
Built it up for the bad days
Without them, I feel unwanted
No purpose, and that’s worse than… everything
Loneliness, heartache, pain, loss, hunger, all of it
If you don’t need me, do I need to stay?
I can’t help because I need it
Wiping my own tears
No game to win, no story to tell
Suppose to just… live with myself?
After everything I’ve become
So much life wasted
Used as a stepping stone
Wandering and wondering, for…
So many regrets I should regret
Too many regrets I should forget
Pain because it’s all gone
Good and bad, I can’t have it back
The past is my sickness
Regret its diagnosis
Now the future seems darker
And I fear I’ll be useless

It feels good when someone likes your pain.
Funny concept, isn't it?
To feel so fulfilled when you're congratulated for your wounds?
When you're celebrated for your tears,
commended on your scars,
applauded for your broken heart.
A creator is enslaved to his art,
the art is enslaved to his pain.
Without the hurting, the art just doesn't feel real.
It's a gimmick, just some pretty words.
Pain is the proper seal of approval.
The certificate of authenticity
You can't spell paint brush without pain.
Pain is the most vibrant color
The unbreakable pencil.
Heartache is the sharpest camera lens.
The ink runs darker when there's blood added.
Love is better remembered when it's broken.
Happiness is more vivid after it's taken away.
Loved ones become more loving after they're gone.
Love interests stay beautiful in the past.
The best *** improves with time
Good memories age like wine.
I'd love to make happy art,
I'd love to smile when I spill my memories
Be nice to just write because I can.
Pain is just more interesting.
Darkness the better work light.
Misery the better Muse.

startup…
logon… password “Hello Friend”
K: Windows/system32> whoami
Description= reminder to update system
Exec start= bash(repeatedly) sleep-10; notify send “This Is Gonna Hurt”
K: Memories/ cd
Couldn’t load library “K: Memories/Hopeful/GoodTimes/v1997/launcher”
no such file or library
Invoked from within
Library path could not be found while executing
newtype.sendkeys {DELETE}
integrity check has failed
package requires ansinfo
(package ifneeded script)
def listen= {dummy}
ip configrelease
User interface "you’renotlosingyour_mind!” not found
NOT ENOUGH PARAMETERS OR PARAMETER ERROR!
User daemon reload - update script
Are you sure you want to delete? Y/N

A prayer to the void... (and the Universe that hates us)
anxiety or anticipation I can't tell which
                            especially when they mix together
they make the night colder and darker

heart pounding until I hear it
my ear drums march to keep up
with it comes the bells, and the warmth in my face
my chest breaks out
I'm allergic to this uncontrollable mess
and the stress... it speaks in riddles
my body doesn't understand the language, so it works harder
I run in circles to slow it all down
(it gets me nowhere)
and the echoes? Reverberating off the walls?
make them sound like they're closing in...

outside I see the chaos, feel it crawling into my skin
scratch till I bleed
the shadows are chasing me and I am [Helpless]
Voices taunting me, color draining from my face
and the world with it
the laughter is torture
everyone knows but me
the ache in my bones tell me so
chains rattling in the walls
so dizzy - but I can't throw up
broken spirits stir up the ice cubes...
a toast? to no responsibility
                      crying and laughing at the same time

I'd like to believe they're up there watching me,
But then I'd have to believe in something I don't.
In fact, so would they, which I **** well know they didn't.
So if it is real,
Would I even wanna go?
Is your paradise mine?
Nope.
And why should I fear your apocalypse?
I don't believe in it.
Therefore I should not be judged for it.
And if your God made me? In his image?
Then I'd imagine he'd agree with me.