In a training Tuesday the speaker said,"it's time to burry the old you."

I disagree.
Don't get me wrong, there are days when I look at the old me with disgust. When I'm perplexed at the lows I've hit; but I'm not able to grow with my old selfs carcass 6 feet under. I need that **** placard on the wall of every room I go into. I need  that daily  reminder of how far I've come and what drove me. I need that for the days when I'm struggling to be a good teacher, a good aunt, daughter, girlfriend, friend, human. Naturally, there are still days I smash that plaque and want to use the shards like old habits; now I have the skills to turn that weapon into armor. I use that as a reminder of who I'll never be again: supine, mute, contentious, belligerent, a victim.  I have learned to admire every part of myself including the old me. I learned to sit with the uncomfortable parts. Like my good friend always says, growth isn't linear. So yes, when you snicker at me with contempt, I still want to show my ruthless side, but I don't.  When I see you engaging with my abusers, I become furious  and distraught.  I simultaneously want to cuss you out and cry as I remind you what's been done to me, but I don't.
instead I drive home to my wonderful man and my obstinate cat, and I let my old self remind me what I have is enough. I am blessed to have this life I've created and the people who were in my corner the entire time 🖤

I have manic days when everything is okay.
My life's finally on track.
I wake up smiling, at ease, my brain is finally on my side for once.
I look in the mirror and I see in the reflection every kind thing anyone has ever said about me.
My eyes are so stunning, my skin, radiant and alive, a smile that could take anyone's pain and replace it with hope.
You are kind, you're strong, you're so ******* brave.
My skin glows as if it's never been dimmed by the shadows.
My pride swells and burst out of my smile as if I've never known shame.
Repeat after me:
I'm happy. I'm so ******* happy.

And then I leave the bathroom and that person left me just like the last.
I lay back down and my bed screams secrets loader than the neighbors that hear them.
I try again.
I shower, I brush my teeth, I curl my hair, I fix my face.
Surely this will give the illusion that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that I didn't just use my tears to lather the soap, that my flesh isn't a auditorium for my problems, and that i am as strong if not stronger than the depression that seeps through my poors and into my bloodstream.
That I'm not just some broken little girl searching for glue in a house of water, That I am more than a museum of every guy who's pried between these thighs, That I have more to offer than "maybe a 6" on a good day.

So I get dressed.
I put in my contacts and I put on my rings, i go outside, I smoke a cigarette,
I breath the toxicity in, and let ..some of it out.
I wonder to myself if this is all okay, if I'm okay, if I'll ever be okay.
I manage to strike up a plea bargain with myself.
one time use, just for the day.
If you need to cry again, go,
But cry hard, hard enough to break down these ******* walls of self doubt.
If you need to scream, scream, but scream so loud that there's no room for other voices.
But if you need to smile, baby girl you smile.
Let it be the smile that takes your pain and turns it into hope.
Let it brighten up your life like Armageddon, and you ******* run with it.
You're aloud to smile.
You're aloud to cry, to scream, to hurt.
But you can be happy.

I can't bring myself to talk to you.
I don't know if its from fear of pushing you away, or fear of differences.

When I ask you what you want, I ask with uncertainty, and I'm certain I sound as weak as I feel.

My voice shakes because I don't quite know the proper way to spew my vulnerable side.

Laughing comes easy, but true emotions stay inside, against my will, but my will is shy lately.

I want you to know my thoughts, I just don't know if you want to, and asking feels unnatural. So instead I lay here writing as usual, while you sleep.

A wave rushes over me when he smiles, yet I can breath better than I have in years.
I can't quite explain the why's to him, or myself for that matter, but I feel they'll work their way into the equation.
Like right now, I'm laying here writing about the man sleeping next to me. Instead of wrapping my arms back around him, I pour my soul into words to discover what it is about his man that has me writing in the first place.
I'm not so cliché to simply say his smile, his arms wrapped around me, his kind eyes.
There's so much more to it.
Behind his smile lies truth of his past, with smiles come hurt, come pain.
It's not just the embrace thats got me, it's the way he pulls me closer while he sleeps but doesn't remember it later. The way he knows when I need touch and when to simply breath with me.

The way his moles run constilations from his ear to shoulder, while his heart beat beats life into them.

I go to work each day to tiny hands and welcoming smiles, I claim to have seventeen. I tend to live vicariously through my preschoolers and my brothers four.
I spend my week in the busy classroom, and then my weekends engulfed with them too. But I go home alone.

Most days I'm okay, I'm strong, I'm confident, I'm okay.

I lay here this Saturday morning listening to the crunch of tiny cerial bites, and the quiet murmer of the Lego cartoon making a Melody I've often begged for but never told a soul.
I lay in bed, the three of us, and watch quietly as he stretches and rolls my way, he wraps his tiny arms around my arm and pulls me close. Unbearable, yet I contort and mold to his liking. Your wish is my command, say and I'll do.
And then it's 7:30 and I grab my purse. I pull out a little white pill and my mouth is instantly dry, unwanting. I reluctantly swallow it and lay back down.
And then your dad opens his eyes and they meet mine, and just like that I'm fighting tears. I close my eyes in an attempt to fake sleep, I roll slightly so my tear trickles to the pillow without a trail.
I don't even know how to start that conversation, or if I should, so I write.