I went on a date with my ex
A day after what was supposed to be our one year anniversary
It’s almost like it was a first date, that the timing said the clocks reset and it was all new
Everything was perfect, between the tears.
The sun was gentle enough to be warming as his touch, as his fingers danced over my back as we sat on a log, talking non-stop like making up for lost time, but feeling that no time had passed at all.
The wind was sweet and blew my hair just enough for him to brush it away, and his eyes were more beautiful than ever before, though lacquered in tears of longing.
Every silence was punctuated with an “I love you”, sometimes said, and sometimes just felt in the tightening of a hug.
Everything fit together just right, and there was no awkwardness between our bodies as they settled into their comfortable familiarity, his shoulder a perfect rest, and my waist a home for his arms, it was so perfect I almost didn’t feel it at all.
I can’t even write about our kisses, punctuating pauses like commas, illicit like a last cigarette.
Coming out of the conversation, nothing really changed.
Everything he said was perfect, and without a shred of begging or manipulation. Everything was said with deep love and care, but no pretension. No gesture was performative, no sentence rehearsed, but everything he said was the most beautiful poetry.
I knew that while we had both changed so much, although our paths crossed so sweetly, we still were going in different directions.
We walked through an unfamiliar park, somewhere we hadn’t been before, and as we walked back to go, I thought about paths crossing and looping. Maybe we’re on a little loop that will rejoin later, maybe we’re going to just keep getting further apart.
Sometimes I see a tree or a branch that makes me think maybe we’re on the same path again — maybe the wait is over — but I’ve never been here before. He’s never been here before.
We both know what we want (each other), there’s just still something in the way.
I’ll love you forever, and I will treasure today so dearly.
We can’t be together and we can’t really be friends, but I’m not sure how to be apart.
I’ve never really understood running away, but I sometimes feel like I could give it all up for you.
I know you would never ever ask me to, and that’s part of why I love you.