I don't know what to write about anymore
because you haven't held my hands to stop them from shaking in almost 2 months.
You used to ask "whats wrong?" when you saw that my nails were getting short and now you don't even call.
You say, "Everything I've ever known has left me." as if I was never there in the first place.
I know you won't say it, but I know she borrows your clothes
and I think its messed up that I saw her wearing the shirt I bought you last Christmas.
You told me to move on because it would help me but you already know I break everything I touch so I'm scared to move anything because I might touch someone's heart.
I remember when you denied everything we ever had because it's hard to own up to having feeling for someone nobody wants.
They told you in your calculus class to solve the problems but I promise you they weren't talking about me.

I tell you another story of how i exposed my body to someone who made my body an object of lust. I shy away from the facts of i used this form of beauty as leverage to get people to love me. I had no consideration one day id have to tell the person i love who i use to be, and how my body was shared like a dinner table is shared among family and friends. The feeling of not belonging in my own skin sets in like a long winter i just cant escape from because when you see me is it me you see or the girl naive enough to believe a picture or a show would make them stay. I made myself to be an object to be used and so as i hand myself to you im used worn and not as shiny as i use to be. I hope youll still want me after the stories i spin out from my past and into your hands. Your questioning tone makes me shrivel back into myself afraid to come back out because i never realized how bad it had gotten. Ive gotten aquainted with the feeling of letting my body be used for an empty love, thats why when i make love i try and get as close to you as possible and maybe even after i am someone different. I dont do certain things because im not sure your reaction. My body wasnt my own until you showed me how to claim it back.

I misread
a lot of you's
I proofread most of your mistakes
you ****** at grammar

I silently made my red pen dance
on your blue inscriptions
that you thought
were unique

I scratched the wrong words
I indented your run on's
I even added a bit of sincerity  
to all your reality

I stepped back and looked at you
you were blotches of red on scribbles of blue
you were a mistake
that I thought I could fix
at the end of the day,
I took that paper crumpled it
and aimed at the trash
and scored

My red pen yearned for correcting many more
but my red pen gave up scratching
and wanted to create its own story
of its very own mistakes
of its own doing,
so it can create a masterpiece of
"me"

do not
forget the
boy who
broke your
heart too
quickly
because
like an
eraser
rubbing
out a
spelling
mistake
in haste
it will
leave
a stain
so grey
another
boy
won't
ever
take his
place.

I haven't been myself.
I haven't bled in two months.
I haven't wrote in over a month.
I haven't exercised in three weeks.
I haven't picked up a book in two weeks.
I haven't had a panic attack in five days.
I haven't slept in three days.
I haven't cried in two days.
I haven't missed you in...

I keep feeling myself
Falling into pieces
While I feel you falling
In another pattern
No matter what
I'll be here to pick you up
I'll pick up the pieces
And put you back together

I love you more than words can say
And I won't make you stay
If you feel the need
I will not fight out of greed
No
I'll fight because
I love you

I know the depression
Will make you think horrible dark thoughts
But those are lies
You will not hurt me
There is no way you could

I love you
And again I'll fight
To be able to never stop
Holding you tight
Please come here
I won't bite
I'll hold you
Until morning light..

I'd searched many a day,
before I found what it was
that I wanted.
The first night I went to bed with her at my side,
and rested easily.
That was when I knew.
All I had ever wanted was some place,
or someone,
that made me feel like I was
home.