did it feel good?
sitting there, intoxicated by devils blood
another night washed away
followed by that soughtfull delay

did that feel good?
seeking a pair of glass eyes
a set that's making you question your disguise

was it pleasant?
how you swallowed the past
and cleared out your oesophagus

was it all worth it?
feeling that euphoria

oh, to be gentle
oh, to be gentle
oh, to be gentle

yesterday i drowned myself
in a bottle of red wine and some gin
i tried to stop breathing
but ended up gasping for
even more air.

it's sad
how it's all true
it's no dream, no fantasy
it's the reality
and it doesn't matter
how bad you want it
to be a dream
it is
and it will always be
nothing but the truth

one day you'll get hit by a car
and one day you will get lost
you would think it's unfortunate
having such little power
but soon you'll realize
that maybe that's just the way it is

do you want this
all of this
will you want me
all of me
i have so much to give
but what will i take
you dont know me
neither do i
let us die together
you and i

through the eyes of a writer
everything becomes a movie
with the simplest saturations

I lost my will to speak
my ability to write
to be with them
to be them
my bipolar mind
shadows that lay uppon my sun
I reckon
I am the one

only if i didnt

listen to space song on repeat
pour that liquid right in
smoke my 'last' cig
reach for heaven's gate

stay in bed a little longer
cancel all my plans
dissappoint everyone around
hurt myself

but i did.

I break apart on Monday morning
I glue myself together on Tuesdays
if I make it to Wednesday, I am relieved
but if I make it to Thursday, I am deprived
knowing that Friday will follow next,
crushes me into puzzle pieces
that I leave on the dining table on Saturday
for me to put it all back together
into one frame on Sunday

My brother stole my mirror
Now I can't run my fingers
Alongside my provoked ribs
In a nostalgic way.

They resemble my health,
Don't I look healthy?
Upwards I go,
Collarbones I outline.

They are sunken into my upper chest,
Like the roots of a mourning tree.

My body the earth.
As much death as life.

I dig with them
Into the flesh,
But only I make them turn red.
The cracks in the pavement,

I relapsed.

i love that fantasy
that i want to project
because it doesn't matter
how much you are
willing to distract
we all know that
manifestations
and
affirmations
will only lead
to the most underwhelming
and expected translations
of our transformations

take a couple careful steps back,
because you wouldn't want to do that
I'm writing this drunk
my lips stained burgundy red
it's a poet's night
candle lit
I'm asking you to hold my hand
your fingers lining my palm
would you hold my hand
where my teeth are rotten

the page is dead
to reach a longed-for end
holding on to every last bit
a condensed breath

sunned down black car
summer heat and sweaty palms
malboro gold in hand
lips moving towards mine

your face between my legs
a comfort I never felt when touched
bodies there in white cotton sheets
we leave nothing but stains to be retrieved

with those aimless hands
we seek each other's spots
practice to be repeated
undisclosed desire

death is merely a token of life
their right hand on the other's left side
they are dancing in unison
stroking death's skin

from a child, holding a balloon
to a mother, ready with knife
you wound the iridescent
candlelight settings and hopeless romantics
this world that we live in
so eerie and white
yet tamed by men in black
within, she holds it
firmly, but not yet tightly
I walk proudly with the scars
carrying them around, at display
like an aborted fetus
those eyes as you look down
there is no innocence to be found
the cut is made
sincerity and modesty at its best

foul mouth and stained teeth
unlike you, I take care my own way
liquor mouth and stained tee
I wear my hat both ways
rusty belt and visible bruises
I like it when you sleep
guy I met online or friend of a friend
what ***** things would you say to me?
deranged4disengaged
sitting on your lap
can I still be saved?
the question fades

autumn has split me in two
like the golden leaves falling from the sky
autumn has split me in two
one is dead, one alive

what is left to make possible
even I hold the flame close
fall from the sky like Lucifer
surrender yourself to the seasons

one is dead
I know the end
one is alive
impossible flame

i've always hated my body
the way i look
in the mirror

i can't stand to see myself
without clothes
any body parts exposed

the many bones that stick out
pointy
provoked

the red paint splattered on the fresh snowy grasslands
where tiny tubes of green ascend from that pearl-white cover
a hole in the midst of his skull
like the single oak standing two yards from me
I know how you despised the wedding gown I am wearing
as I dig your grave and plough through the frozen soil
this is winter now

I feel *****
like a dead fish stranded on the beach
with no birds to chew me up
I am wasted and disposed
look at me rot
without pleasuring anyone
me, the ***** pleasurer
now on the mainland
born in a polluted river
swimming and disengaged
I am empty gutted

you picked the scabs off my skin
and left me there standing
like a maple tree midst autumn
and God has never been more angry
'cause these winds are blowing a fear
you and I both caress
lift me up in the air
drop my body on the damp forest floor
let me decompose among the leaves
can you hear the winter whisper already?
it's a mess

the sky is as blue
as I always told you
the leaves applaud
when the wind appears

have you read the poems
the poems I wrote for you, my dear

there's this man
playing guitar in the sand
he fondles his strings with fear
but the sea makes nothing left to hear

the train tracks circle back
the clock holds still
I am in the city of luck
green, churches on a hill

now the train moves forward
through valley's, the human trace
it drops me off where trees
have disappeared in the shade

now the questions arrive
as I spend the week
looking and searching
describing, last seen

I reach lakes filled
with water to the brim
my glass is full
the engine runs

as I reach for the top
I stand in sea water
salty and bitter
but sweet to the touch

the city crowd is silent
I observe from a far
watch them go slowly
pass their walls

'write from the heart'
they say
should I
should I share the endless void
my blood doesn't color red
it is black
and thick
opaque
my organs rotten
a smell, the flies
I can taste it in my mouth
it stinks
the larves crawl up
out of my eyes
running down my features
onto the ground
where my weight caresses
onto the wooden floor boards
cracking and screeching
out of my mouth
I wrote it down
it's fine for now

I will ask you a question. Liked
I ask my father. Thou art in heaven.
Bestowed upon me
an army of little. Do you remember?
I fell more than once, twice. A blood can
be more than a child. Naturally
I still carry the scars with pride.
Can you see them? Ask me why
what age?
Do you think you loved me not
did you love me. I sank too
early not to deeply. Never look
at me like that. Ever. Or again.