With lights in the sky
And cheer in my heart,
A drink in my hand,
A toast to the past

Treasure my memories;
Some triumphs were lost,
Now facing forward
But never forgot

I look to the future,
This one is for me
Year TWENTY-THIRTEEN
For wisdom and glee

Laid out before me
Adventures to come,
With laughter and smiles
I'll drink from the sun

Shining so brightly
Three weeks passed - still pleased,
Work arrange training,
One seat kept for me

First Aid Course progressed;
I wished to forget
The news I received
Before last years test...

(...As irony leaped
'Twas taught to save lives,
My mobile had beeped
With news my friend died

The shock had set in
I had to pull through,
Third day of the course
The test was now due

I pulled it together
My shakiness passed
I saved Annie's 'life'
I gave 'CPR'

I bandaged a 'cut'
I tended her knee,
I showed them I could
Help competently

I passed with "Well done"
But my heart broke in two,
Inside I was numb)
Old memories! Not new....

So, I focus today
With smile on my face,
DEFIBRILLATOR-
It's time to embrace!

I wait in the queue
Examined to be...
Bells chime, the phone rings,
My mum looks at me

(We work together)
She speaks to our Boss
"Can Karen go next?"
Her voice almost lost

I ask her "What's up?"
She said "It's bad news,
Was Grandad who called,
About your Nan Sue..."

She's hours to live
We must get there fast
But first you must go
And start Annie's heart!


© Karen L Hamilton, 2013

I feel it creeping,
Crawling across my chest.
Pick up speed as it spreads up my neck.
Temperatures rising,
My skin starts burning.
I don't need to look
I know exactly what is happening.  
My rashes are back again.

I can't hide from the truths of Chronic Urticaria,
Raw emotions it carefully paints,
Sketching along my skin.
Five minutes in to a Thirty minute consultation.
My emotions churning around in my head,
My heart pumping.

Uneasiness shooting fire through my veins,
Pain trying to escape,
It needs to find a way out;
My skin bright red,
Eyes glazed over filled with tears.  
Unhappiness the forefront of my fears.
I told him, give me a pen and paper
And I could tell you my whole life's story,
But apparently what i need
Is some Talking Therapy.
Thirty minutes, me, a phone and a complete stranger.
My worst nightmare.

Trying to make sense of my mound of messy thoughts,
He tells me he finds the notes he's read from my last consultation;
My first consultation,
Hard to understand.
To make head and tails of it.
Ha!
Try being me.

My past, my difficulties, my insecurities,
My many many losses,
He can see my life's not been a breeze.
He needs to help me organise my memories.
Say's he understands that I'm struggling,
How the current position I'm in is
Causing so much internal suffering.
He wants to help; To fix me.
I guess it's time to admit i am broken.
Finish the conversation,
I'm left as a quivering, emotional mess.
Tears streaming down my face and
My body covered in deep red.
Pain etched across my skin for all to see.

I accept, it's time we tried to fix me.



© Karen L Hamilton, 2015

To have all you've known tumble down
You're sole existence starts to drown,
You're watching as you hold your breath
Count to ten and try to forget

Forget your worries and your woes,
Life's unpleasantries, all you know
You know nothing, not any more
You watch the slowly closing door

It's closing right before your eyes
You've lost the keys, there's no sunrise
Closing in, surrounded by dark
Darkness consumes your breaking heart

It beats one less than once before,
You hold it tight and hope for more
Pain you feel is out of this world
Hope that someone undoes the spell

The spiders web that's spun for you,
You're fighting, trying to get to
The place once loved, you thought you knew
Too scared to trust, too scared to move

You're slowly crawling through the dusk
In hope that soon you're good enough,
Enough to walk back to your home
To open arms - the ones once known



© Karen L Hamilton, 2013

It's funny how it all pans out,
Life with it's ups and downs
Happiness can seem miles away
As smiles turn into frowns
  
It amazes me faced with strife
Whilst struggling not to drown,
How something so magical comes
Armed with a tainted crown
  
Yes, everyday is a blessing
A blessing on this earth,
We live it and we fight for it
We fight for all it's worth;
  
Worthiness is a point of view
Which carries its own curse,
Such curses just like old wives tales
Hold substance on this earth
  
So what is it that's driving us,
Guiding us on our way?
In the hope that we grow wiser
Wiser about our ways
  
Of seeing things, perceiving things
Taking things for granted
Not knowing just how good it seems
Until shelves look slanted
  
Lesson's learned every day my friends,
Every waking hour
What use are all these lessons if
Forgotten when turned sour?
  
'Happiness' the one common theme
We'd all like in our lives,
Happiness doesn't come for free
We pay a ghastly price
  
A price is paid, no choice given
As we live treasured lives...
Would we really know happiness
If hurt had not passed by?

  
  
© Karen L Hamilton, 2013

If you count the nights
Look back in time
I try and remember when we were all fine
Before fun meant
Passed out drunk on the floor
Higher than ever before
Before fun meant
*** in the back of a car
We just wait next door
And now I see
You just replaced me
With every substance that you could see
So now do you see?
That I'm miss you
But are you missing me?

The end of Summer draws nearer by the second. I can feel the rain coming as my bones tighten. The salty air of the coast engulfs my lungs, the taste of the ocean lingers on my tongue. I'm going to miss this. Everyone is saying the world is ending, they've been saying it for weeks now but this time, this time it's happening. Death is not a myth anymore. Death is a waiting visitor approaching our doorsteps.