just like some of you,
I was born insecure.
Born flawed.
Born covered of unaccepted imperfections.
but hey,
there’s a good news
I was born where life is a series of choices
and i’ve given a choice
to love my own skin, my own self.
I have a choice to accept what i am
and be not like someone else.

*- j.a.g

I'm always beating myself up,
My own worst enemy, or so it goes
I tell myself I find it hard to think myself as
****
So I started saying it all the time.
I named myself **** and so can't be anything but.
I had been so absorbed in calling myself
Lost, unmotivated, grouchy, and awful,
That I had forgotten how powerful my words are.

I often feel lost, unaccomplished, unfulfilled.
Someone said to me the other day
"You're intelligent, witty, and beautiful"
What more could one want in a relationship?
I've accomplished that much.
Another has said before,
"You're an extremely insightful person,
those same skills will lead you to be
Successful in all areas of your life."
She said this and it was printed and
laminated onto a wall for all to see.
Yet somehow I managed to brush it off.

Somehow I manage to forget my accomplishments.
Somehow I've become human, for shame.
So I'll remind myself, I'll remember what I've been told.
I am an intelligent, witty, beautiful and lovable person.
I am successful, I am thoughtful and put my energy where it matters most.
Most importantly, I am growing.

I made that commitment long ago.
I decided that stepping into junior high,
I would grow to become friendly,
And I did.
I decided that stepping into high school,
I would grow to become a learner,
And I did.
I decided that stepping out of university I would become self-reflective,
And I have.
I decided that stepping into my job I would become future oriented,
And I will.

I made this commitment,
I signed this contract because
I matter.
Because I love myself.
Because I deserve to be my own best friend
And to be happy
And to be loving.

Because I am intelligent
And witty
And beautiful.
Because I am successful
And I will learn every time I falter.
Because I am a loved and loving person.
Because I have achieved
The respect of those I love.
Most of all,
I am commited to myself,
And I am growing.

Satisfy
my morbid desire
to know
just how you are this morning.
You wish you were dead
and I don't blame you.
Your hand-written note
and Aspirin bottle
loom large in my imagination.
I think of you
falling asleep to ask Death,
"May I go now?"
and his response
of rocking you in his arms just one more night.
In my mind's eye
your cat (the little black one) watches you
take your phone in hand,
the clock readout "9:10 pm" in its green lettering,
and calmly type your confession.
You are not dead,
but you want to be,
and I grab a wire and some neosporin
because I can just picture
what I plan to do next.

My mind is jumbled up with feelings and thoughts that i once stored away. Is this this real or is this lust?. I miss your touch, your scent, your lips, but is it worth it?. I don't want to fall into the center hole that trapped me, i can't catch anymore feelings. Little skits remind me of you, i shouldn't be thinking like this. Things will all go back to normal, then where will I stand?. I need you to fulfill my empty space, but i just can't be with you. It's a pleasure to know I'm on your mind, but a sin that I'm locked in this triangular dungeon. Should i praise or cry?. Just be in my presence and I'll live. I'm so confused, yet i know where I'm going. No one else can portray you...

There’s an inclination to hold my tongue
But something inside of me says
Tell her what she wants to hear so she doesn’t run
That kind of thing
That kind of thinking that has me undone
Is the very thing that has me doing things with you
That with no other woman I’ve ever done
I you shouldn't tip your hand before the cards have been laid
But the more I contemplate
The louder the voice in my heart states

In what I feel
Despite how it looks
Be still
It says if you have the will to risk the ending
So I can have it in the beginning
Truth will reveal

You and I are one even
Just as Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden
Lay your head on my chest
And you’ll hear not only mine
But you’ll hear the Heart of God beating

exploring the ruins of ancient Italy
reminds me of exploring
the dark parts of your soul

The demands you made
left me shaking,
quivering in my
hard nail boots.
You sunk me with
your cuteness
& turned my heart
inside out.

You  confused me,
gave it to me good,
then spit our wanton souls
back into my mouth
& once I tasted us,
I was never the same,
daydreaming
endlessly.

Perhaps
I'm a bit more insane,
drained of
my fiery-spirit,
forever spilling
thrilling words now.

Nevertheless,
I do confess,
I guess,
once a muse,
always a muse,
I'm wild & wooly
to jump your bones
again.