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Kendra Feener Jul 2020
This morning I woke with heavy, heavy eyelids
As if another version of myself had spent the night weeping in my dreams about all of the things that I can't seem to bring myself to face
I tried to put my glasses on, but they didn't seem to fit or work or do whatever it is that they're supposed to do
The world that I view today is foggy and grey and not real
I feel that I may be stuck somewhere else with that other version of me
And we're both still crying and weeping and confused about so, so many things
About everything, really
Still so, so confused
I wish I could let that version of myself free, I wish I could just let her speak instead of speaking for her
I cover up her hurting with uncomfortable chuckles, and bad jokes
Self deprecation, and all of the other countless coping mechanisms I've developed in attempts to drown her out
But her sobs are so loud sometimes
More often that I would like, and much more often recently
Maybe one day I will let her voice yell out
But today I will stay with her, wherever she is that isn't here
And we will weep
With heavy, heavy eyelids
1:55PM, July 14th 2020
Kendra Feener Jan 2016
?
But at what point does your own heart put its foot down?
At one point does it let out a cry for help in a voice so unrecognizable that it startles you?
When really is enough?
When will we grow tired of having the door left open, for those who come and go, if and when they please?
When will we mop up the muddy foot prints marked on the floors?
When do we replace all the echos that bounce off the walls with something a bit more cozy?
When do we toss the axe and hammer,
Throw it in an old box labeled:
"Stop chipping away at me,
I'm not your piece of art,
You can't sculpt me into what you want."
At what point does your heart refuse to be broken once again?
12:53 AM
Kendra Feener Nov 2014
green coloured cars and
blue coloured eyes
fast beating hearts were just
wasted time


days months years
seconds hours

clocks

heavy head
where thoughts of you knock
directions i don't even comprehend


east west north south
i do
without
Do you ever just wonder where the hell you stand?

1:15AM
November 3rd, 2014.
Kendra Feener Oct 2014
I never was one to let people in
I was never one to make people feel welcome
When I met you, it was like placing a key into your open palm
One that fit into an old rusted lock
One that I didn't even know exited

I guess I found parts of myself when I found you
They were never welcoming
I don't have many treasures
Instead,
Cobwebs, because I never feared spiders
And wooden walls that leave splinters in your fingertips when you touch them

Seasons have passed
My thoughts have grown
Things have changed
I guess I've realized I've never really felt at home
I've never really had one
I guess that's why I've never been welcoming

You took your time wiggling the key into place
I guess I'm a patient person
In your presence, I count stars
In your absence, I count stars
They remind me of you
I guess it's because some nights you see them
But some nights you don't

I'd wish for a clear sky every night
But I know better
The clouds need love too
Instead I'll wish for your visits on rainy days

I guess what I've learned with these passed, changing seasons,
Is what lies behind the rusted lock is my home
As beautiful as I feel it is
I guess I can understand why someone would not want to stay
October 19th, 11:59PM
I don't really know who I wrote this about
I guess it's about anybody who I've allowed myself to trust, even the ones who chose to break it.
I guess I wrote this for myself, because I really don't know who will stay.
I guess what I'm saying is that I can be hard to love.
I guess that's ok.
Kendra Feener Sep 2014
From your mind, and your lips, and your hands, and your breath
Vines that wrap themselves in between your ribs find their way through the floor boards
Trying to trip my already clumsy feet, to knock me over, to confine and consume me
To claim me, as if you haven't done that already
With you I recall September evenings, with almost kisses on park benches
Early December mornings, with wet hair and chattering teeth. Walking in minus degree weather if it meant getting to a place where you'd be
April afternoons with aimless driving and conversations about absolutely nothing yet particularly everything all at the same time
I recall sweet July dreams, the mumbling of your name, and how it became the perfect synonym for love for the very first time
Long paragraphs, curious minds, the soft humming of your favorite songs, and how whether it was taming fire or thawing ice; your hands were always the perfect temperature
My mind has been racing for a while and the vines have tied so tightly by now, my heart starts to beat within them
The flower petals laugh
Their pollen dances around me
Their stems find their way to my lips and stitch them shut
Not that I have anything to say
You always leave me speechless anyway
He picked me a flower one day, and it has been haunting me ever since.
This is all over the place, but at the same time, I kinda dig it.

September 13th, 2014
11:27PM
Kendra Feener Mar 2014
there is a sealed cardboard box
labeled "i can't find it in me to get rid of these"
filled with the empty words spoken from his lips
and all the bitter sweet memories that she knows
don't mean a thing to him now
they probably never did
the thought came to me when i was half asleep,
the usual.

March 12th, 2013
2:28 AM
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