My past seems
Inescapable.
I promised myself
Once I was finished
I would get out.
I would run
And not stop
Running
Until I was so far away
All I could see
In my rear view
Was dust.
And mountains,
I have always wanted
Mountains.
Mountains that
I could climb
And have climbed.
Mountains that
I could escape to
And hide away in.
I promised myself
That I would leave behind
Everything that
I hated
And all those
People
Who mocked me
And laughed at me.
All those people
That made me want
To escape.
But here I am
Years later
And it all seems so
Trapping.
Because
Mixed within
All those things
That tore me apart
And left me bleeding
And all those people
Who sent me sprawling
To the ground
And desperately seeking
A place to hideaway
Are things I love
And people I care for.
The place I called home
And precious memories.
Those who are my friends
And the ones I chose as my family.
They’re all intertwined
With the place
That terrified me.
The place that still
Haunts my dreams
And keeps me awake at night.
The place
And the people
That traumatized me
And damaged me.
But all I want to do
Is start over.
As someone new
In a new place
Surrounded by new people
And new things.
People who haven’t
Taken a knife
To my back
And things that haven’t
Killed who I am.
All I want
Is to escape
From who
And where
I used to be
And still am -
Trapped.
So I’m ripped
In two
By what I what
And my heart
That still has roots
Planted so deep
In my inescapable
Past.

You're like watching the sun
Rise again,
Painting the sky in beautiful hues
Of red and gold,
Reminding me there's hope
For a beauty in a dark world.
You're a new blanket,
Soft and warm,
That wraps around me
Like a hug
From the a person I love.
You're the smell of cinnamon
During the holidays
That brings me home.
You're the taste of refreshing mint
That dulls my senses
And calms my nerves.
You're the sound of rain
That lulls me to sleep
Like a baby
And a mother's song.
You're a new smile
And a new laugh.
You're a new breath,
A new day,
A new dream,
And a new hope.

— brother —

I am normally a logical person.
I find comfort in explanations
And reasons.
But my mind and my thoughts,
They are not logical.
They are all,
Emotional.
So when you attempt
To belittle them -
With your facts and opinions,
Acting as if I should just
Restructure my mind
In under a second -
You belittle me.
Because I am my thoughts,
And my thoughts are me.

The petals drift
And lay down
Gently
Beside my feet
And my tears -
That are crashing,
Violently,
To the ground.

The steps you take
Away from me
Are an echo
Of my heartbeat.
Your footsteps fade
And with you
Goes my heart.

Leaving me broken
And empty.
Leaving me as only a husk
Of the person
I used to be
Before I loved you.
And before my love
For you
Destroyed me.

My entire life,
I have been waiting.
For years,
Almost two decades now
I have been waiting.
Waiting,
For the better parts.
Waiting,
For the “soon”.
Waiting,
For my life to begin.
Because,
I don’t feel like I have lived.
In the nearly twenty years
I have been alive
And breathing
I do not feel
In any of those years
That I have been alive.
I don’t feel like a single breath
That I have taken
Has been real.
I feel as if
All these years
I’ve been stuck
Behind a window
Watching as my life unfolds
Before me.
I feel that
I have had
Zero control.
That I am in the backseat
Letting someone else drive.
That someone else,
Is writing on the pages
Of MY life.
But no more.
I will break that window,
I will take that wheel,
And I will write
My own pages.
My life has begun,
And now -
I’m in control.

After all these years
Your words
Still mean so much to me.
I seek your approval
Above all others.
And when you laugh
At me,
And when you
Disregard me,
And when you
Mock me -
It kills me.
I hate that you
Still mean so much to me.
I hate that I
Still care for you.
I hate that you
Still don't see me.
I hate that you
Have such power
Over me.
But most of all,
I hate that I
Have given you
This power.


I wish I knew
How to take it back.

I sit on the rooftop
Not two feet away from the edge.
Not two feet away from a release
So sweet
I can taste candy
On my tongue.
From the Siren’s song
Playing in my head
So clearly
That I hum along.
I feel temptation’s kiss
On my lips –
So soft
Softer than any man before.
But even as I look down
At the concrete and grass below
That beckons me closer
Into their warm embrace –
I turn away.
Because the unknown
After that leap
Terrifies me more
Than tomorrow
Or the day after that.