Cigarette butts scattered on the floor and a stale scent of guilty secrecy follows you as you slip on last night’s clothes quietly enough not to wake him still nestled in a slumber of *** and smoky shadows.
You wash your face with icy water in the bathroom sink and try your **** best not to think about what was in that vile overpriced drink. it was his laugh that lured you because it gave off the vibe that he knew exactly how to survive these lonely long weekends and maybe he could be your only friend?
And so the liquor last night warmed up your heart and throat which caused you to feel sickly like you were in an unstable rocky boat that only he could bring to shore and you knew from his grin, that soon you’d be on the sweaty dance floor because boys like him want girls like you to smile sweetly and sin.
When he asked you to come back to his for a drink it was clearly implied that he was the kind of man who lied but the ***** made you tongue tied so you said yes to letting him call a taxi and put his arm around you like he wouldn't let any kind of harm come to you.
But back at his sweaty stale place your heart began to race because you are not this kind of girl who lets strangers take them home and unsanitary hands roam. Every word he said made you feel like you were dead and holding on to reality with a thin thread but he was holding the scissors so you were not in charge and now the ****** is still very much at large.
You gather up the contents of your handbag from the floor but jittery thoughts are still scattered through stained sheets and between the soles of your ***** sweaty shoes. Tears run down your face as you take one last look around the room to drink it all in just in case your head starts to swim and spin again and remind you of this chaotic pain.
You will shut the front door softly so that he does not wake and cry whilst biting your lip as you walk up the road with the odd sensation of carrying a load on your shoulders that makes you feel hundreds of years older but not one inch bolder.
This is the denial of ******* and knowing that somewhere there is a tape which could change your fate if he ever knew your full name and wanted to play an evil sick game. But it is not letting him have power and control like he did that night because you will put up a fight!
It is you going to the police station and filing a report despite what your friends thought and it is making a statement in court to his cowering face whilst he cries into his sleeve and refusing to leave until he looks you in the eye and says your name because he never once said it that night and you refuse to be just another statistic.
It is helping yourself along with the other women around you so that you feel safe and not believe this world is a completely broken place. It is holding onto hope and giving your sisters the strength to speak up to say what happened wasn't right and we will fight to be heard!
It is letting the caged bird fly free and skinny dipping in the icy sea. It is the moment of freedom you taste on your tongue as you name him in the court room and hear him pronounced guilty but you are free.
my darling has his keys in the car and a hand on my hip making sure i don't slip. cigarette in his lips with the radio down low as he drives slow. he asks me where do i want to go? the streetlights Illuminate his skin and i squeeze his hand tight as we search out some thing marvellous and magical from amongst a cold winter night. you have a delightful diesel infused smile. where have you been honey? it's been awhile.
you have dust in your veins and a tattoo of a black flame with your mother's name to the left of it in messy scrawl. there are ***** sheets in the bedroom with your old blue jeans on top of them as you forgot them when you saw that I wasn't the dream you had once wanted so badly. syringes and tears are strewn chaotically around the room and my body is littered with the last marks you left from a belt and a bad word or two from when you thought I was making a mockery out of you. welts and bruises tell the story of how you had assured me I was a loser and you were just doing what the next guy would do so it was only fair to laugh as I had screamed out of fear. you were the ultimate betrayal when you pinned me down in the bath and held my head so I could not breathe and said you would make sure I was dead if I ever tried to leave again on a midnight train in summer rain. it was a world away from who you'd been when we first met because soon the back of my head was wet with blood and I would always hear the thud of your work boots that filled my heart and soul with dread. inducing panic and distress was your ******* and so I got the blame when the beers ran out and there wasn't any money until next week to buy you drink. this was the world I lived in now, a sick desperate shell of how I should be except I am not free. so another day will pass and I will refill your beer glass as you leer at me with yellow teeth for my grief is what ignites the thief of joy in your bones and makes my body your undesired home.
Shut your eyes and go to sleep listening to the gnarled willows weep. Kisses on the forehead goodnight to ensure you are tucked in just right. I will sing you a gentle lullaby as the birds fly off into the jet black sky. The moon is laying low for you to use as a night light in case you are to get a nightmare and feel a distressing kind of fear. But do not be scared of what lurks and loiters in the shadows of your soul for I will hold your hand and tame those demons to a dominant demand. The hold they have had for quite some time is now reaching the end of its disintegrated line. I can see your cold smile defrosting in the sun now as the willows shake off the winter snow and you capture some of the new season’s glow inside of your wholesome soul. So my beloved friend, shut your eyes and sleep listening to the willows weep as now this peace is finally yours to keep!
you're wearing bright red lipstick and a little black dress but you are a mess and you can't even give the taxi the right address. You smell of cinnamon and sugar mixed with marijuana and when you laugh I can see the fillings in the back of your mouth and I resist the urge to touch your cheek and feel the curves of your body beneath your clothes. I can taste smoke at the back of your throat and I remember the way you once wrote. I think maybe I'll love you until this ******* has left my veins. What was your name again?
Waking up with sweat stained sheets wrapped around me and you are nowhere to be seen as you believe being mean is keeping the lads keen. Your leather jacket is still here hanging on the hook by the front door and he wonders why she didn’t want more. He loved her laugh last night as they drunkenly tried to walk right home after finishing a few gin and tonics between them that made his head spin and her think that she would forever win at sin. Her long blonde hair had flown out behind her and it reminded him of fresh sunflowers because that was the colour of her beauty and he prayed the rest of the night would not be another careless blur. The radiance within her shone so bright that he didn’t even turn on the kitchen light as he let them both inside as the liquor made their shyness want to shrivel up and hide. But in the next morning, there was no hungover girl mumbling sleepily and yawning because instead there was only her leather jacket and the faint smell of sweet perfume left on his pillow as he tried to visualize that beautifully bright sunny yellow that made his throat dry and gave him a sickening urge to cry because he didn’t want this feeling to die. He wondered if she would call because it really hadn’t taken him long to fall for her long limbs and the way she had dark humour that stung him like a cheap rumour and so he slept on the sofa that day with the aching bones of a man who lives alone but with a leather jacket wrapped around his arm because he wanted to see her again and see if she maybe felt the same but he knew deep down it was a Friday night love and the weekend would soon fade away because she was never destined to stay yet he hung her jacket in the closet for years to come and tried again to find the perfect one but he’d let her slip between his fingers yet the smell of her sweet perfume still lingered for Friday nights to come and he missed the colour of the sun that shone in her hair and the bright eyes that that craved fear. She’d been his Friday night coffee and cream that would never return no matter how much he stroked the seams of her faded leather jacket. Sunflower girl was now gone with the wind and soon he could no longer recall her voice and the paleness of her soft skin. It was like she had never met him in the first place but oh god how he loved her beautiful hair and knew she had once been there in his arms even if it had only been for one Friday night.
a magician never reveals their tricks to the joker is what you’d told you that sunday night last september as you had sloppily crashed into a river and made both of our cold bones shiver. we both knew this was not a typical drive down the road because you had broken the moral code and would soon be toad while i lay with still bones and a frantic call home on a stretcher in the back of an ambulance with hands holding my body together as you asked the police to give you a moment so you could have a breather and a smoke or two because you knew you were through. they asked if you wanted to leave me alone and head down to the police station and you just shrugged like this was not your creation because your court costs were more expensive than the knowledge of my pain and i wished I had caught that last sunday night train instead of drinking with you in the rain and making fog against the window pane. i was told not to move as i waited for the helicopter and you were pushed up against the side of a cop car and cuffed with angry resistant will and the tears spilled down hard and fast from your pretty little face because for once i would not save your ****** *** and get you out of this gory mess that had turned your sunday best into a disgrace and made my bones buckle and cry out for some rest for they had been pressed and strained under the now drowned window pane with blood creating a vivid stain. your head ducked down as you were pushed into the back of the car and you glanced up to see my motionless mangled body watching from afar. how’s that for a date night? you laughed as the tube down my throat made me cough and the police officer gave you a stern look before slamming the door on your smirking face so hard that the car shook like my body did with hollow echoing sobs that made my eyes run like the river that had made both of us shiver as you had claimed that the joker would always deliver even if the magician would not reveal their spells for the joker had his own secret way to ****.
fear has no place in your heart my little lion for you are so brave and strong. i know the blame from others was so wrong and fast but i also do know that you were built to last throughout the storm and you are so loving and warm whilst trying to ignore serpents and sharp scorn. but the serpents and their words should really not be heard for they are ants compared to the elephants of ideas in your head and the gentle strength and wisdom you so delicately possess. so my lovely little lion with a heart of gold and a wonderful tale to be told some day... stand up and be bold enough to blow the sour serpents away with a new roar they haven’t heard before! you are so much more.