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On Christmas Eve I was talking to my brother

It was 2:30 in the morning

We had both been drinking.

I read him one of my poems.

That one about surviving myself.

It sparked a conversation.

The tough kind.

About suicide.

I told him I truly believed most people

Dont WANT to die

They just want the pain to stop

I told him it was a cry for help.

He told me my first attempt was not.

He said with tears rolling down his cheeks

"You were done that night."

With tears now streaming down my cheeks I replied

"I can't talk about this. Not tonight."

"I know." He cried

"Did you ever get help after that night? After seeing me like that? Did you talk to someone?"

"I couldnt talk about it. It was too hard."

At this point we're both bawling.

I wrapped my arms around him.

I apologized.

See that's the thing about attempting suicide and surviving.

If you're lucky enough

To survive

You have to witness the pain everyone around you feels.

Because of you.

I never use to think it was selfish.

Not until Christmas Eve.

I broke my brother.

6 years ago.

And he's still haunted.
Trigger warning.
-word for word conversation with my brother this Christmas eve. This was not written to offend anyone. But rather to hopefully open the eyes of those considering attempting. It doesn't stop the pain, it truly does just pass it on to the people who love you most. Stay strong, hold on.
Artists are often
broken people
using the fragments of themselves
to create something new
and although
being healed
feels so complete
sometimes i want to be broken again
sometimes i want open wounds
so i can use the blood
to paint sunsets
so i can use the torn off pieces of skin as a canvas
so i can carve
masterpieces with the jagged bones left behind
but I can't bring myself to break my own heart in the name of Art
My sea is far away
let's meet under
the one same cloud.

My blue water
is for the sun.
I sing beneath the wave.

My rose
is for the show
I am imbued
in the fragrance.

My sky is open
hugs the earth and afar
beyond the rainbow
beyond the peacock's eyes.

Catch that too!
From beneath the blue
slips out a butterfly.
A poem from my upcoming book Qun: Love Has No Condition
 Dec 2018 call me kiwifruit
Elena
Poetry is the string
         looping through and
         weaving out
the needling pain

It knits a beautiful
         patchwork, coated with
         colorful patterns
our fingers trace

threads of our lives
         create designs
a shining::
shimmering::
or dulling
our emotions blend.
dripping decadent words
laced with poison
down the throats
of her lovers

she watched as their fantasies
became their nightmares
and laughed
while they screamed
her very nature burned alive,
taking everything around her with it.

and when she shined the brightest,
the whole world was set on fire.
she didn't know her own strength.
elated
a flying feeling
soaring
soft and light
cottony

life is long
but you are forever
raining hope
upon the weary

fly high, clouds
and we'll fly with you
 Dec 2018 call me kiwifruit
jee
sing me your inspiration,
so that words may blossom
through the rings of the tree
in my paper.

gift me your passions,
so that pathways may carve
through inked rivers
and graphite daydreams.

paint me your love,
so that I may palette
your rainbow
and color my canvas

with my favorite colors of you.

the soft pink
of the inside of your lips,
and the offset grey
haloed through your eyelashes.

tiger lily freckles framed
by sweet peach
and wallflower blushes.

rainfall wrists
and dutch cocoa silk.

all my canvas needs
are the colors of you.
acrylic affirmations and watercolor whispers
If I'm still alive when I turn 27 years old  
I want to live somewhere in the
North of Europe and watch the stars
visit the forest in the morning maybe
read by the lake ah! how wonderful
it is to just appreciate life but now I
can't do that not just yet I need time.


01203102018
Here you are awaiting my inevitable return from work

With your dough eyed expression, purring static moans

Eager, for another pouch of 'Darcey's Fish Mix'

Unwillingly able to backoff, so I can find some clearance

In order to serve you, my pets; my overbearing bundle of fur

Whom I truly love, forever and always.
cats
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