Would you tell me something, please don't keep me in suspense
I don't mean any upset, or make anyone feel tense
Usually I'm not bothered, I'll stay sitting on the fence
But for once, I just thought, I'd offer my two cents

I'm curious if you're aware, we're driven up the wall
Every time that you decide, to slow down to a crawl
Your almost paralytic, and you're never on the ball
We've seen slow moving objects, but you easily beat them all

Perhaps you are not conscious, and you aren't even awake?
Have you run out of petrol, have your pads seized on the brake?
There's nothing left in Staniforths, you've taken too much cake
Don't even get me started, on that stupid noise you make

I thought it was the Bisto Kids, who's come to join the party
The gravy's done, but just hold on, you need to be a smarty
We all know you will be first, because you're arty-farty
Your goal is a supper bowl, that's usually quite hearty

Let me tell you something, and I'll try to be precise
It's just a little peice of mind, a small piece of advice
Never hold your horses, if your sinking through thin ice
You'd only come a cropper, when it's us you sacrifice

You have this annoying habit, of just getting in the way
It's not even on occasion, because it happens every day
Do you have two broken ankles, are your feet stuck in set clay?
What exactly is the problem, what is causing the delay?

I suspect you may have parkinsons, or you're riddled with senility
Or are you attempting feebly, to Insult my sensibility?
Jesus Christ you've come too far, with inactive inability
The result of which is certainly, an impending liability

Why are you pacing back and forth, it's a cross contamination.
The last supper comes to mind, cos there is no explanation
If you scrutinise, I feel betrayed, with your food examination
You're like a giant tortoise, on a lazy stay vacation

We can't get to the cupboards, we can't open any door
The sideboard is a waste of time, your blocking every drawer
Sandwichs are on the move, crumbs fall down on the floor
Place your bread on porcelain, that's what the plates are for

Do I have to grow carbuncles, while I stand about and wait?
We don't need a running commentary, of what's on the buffet plate
It takes the **** at ten o'clock, when you stared out at eight
A Standing Charge should be enforced, set at the highest rate

Six eggs in a basket, what's in the cooking ***?
Tomatoes on a flat bread, thats a lovely fresh shallot
Potatoes with warm butter on, we're hoping they stay hot
I think I better call the Doc, and he will say Great Scott

Maybe you can't help yourself, and this is not your fault
But come on now it don't seem fair, when it causes a revolt
Is there any reason, why you're grinding to a halt?
You need a ******* cattle ****, or a massive lightning bolt

There doesn't seem much point to this, when everything's so slow?
You seem to be oblivious, and you don't even know
Will you collect two hundred pounds, somehow I don't think so
A Monopoly on standing still, cos you never will pass go

An arcade with all the classics, is where you ort to be
Then you could indulgence yourself, in a forgone guarantee
Mommy quick, I just can’t wait, give me a 50p
I know it will be challenging, to a very high degree

First there will be Pac-man, in a geriatric aider
Power pills will be no good, if your a ghostly masquerader
Donkey Kong will wait to long, for the dithering crusader
But your stuck and you've become, the ultimate Space Invader

Around the world in 80 days, there simply is no chance
***** Fog would just say no, without a second glance
You always appear stationary, and you're usually in a trance
If we started off from Dover, we would never get to France

The balloon would just come crashing down, because the airs gone cold
Rheumatism would set in, as Mr fog turned old
Poor Phileas would lose his hair, his head would just be bald
You'd make him wait, you'd seal his fate, his youth would be annulled

You've mastered the pure artform, of the dawdling Dilly-Dally
Good job your not a *******, in a seedy dark back ally!
I wouldn't dare to enter you. . . in our local summer rally
You'd only stop to analyse, the foliage in the valley

Don't hang around indefinitely, because we're all getting thinner
A hot meal would be nice, instead of a cold dinner
Be courteous to others, and we're onto a sure winner
It isn't very popular, when it's you that is the sinner

I sat here waiting patiently, so what's it all about?
Sunday launch took far too long, oh come on you old trout
You cannot reach a bean or pea, or a single brussel spout
**** this **** I'm off to bed, I'll ****** go without

Why are you so meticulous, cos it causes so much friction
To be frank when your a guest, it's not your jurisdiction
Its utterly ridiculous, but I will stand by my conviction
Please vacate the area, and get out my ******* kitchen

Stop hovering around the hob, and by the feeding trough
Your slower than a garden snail, your like a wingless moth
If I wasn't such a gentle soul, I'd tell you to *******
Perhaps your part Banana slug, and the slowest Three-Toed Sloth

Have you ever had that feeling, when frustration is let loose?
Or an awkward moment, that has really cooked your goose?
You cannot save my Bacon, if my hands are full of juice
My heart sinks when butting heads, are too close to the noose

When your waiting for your breakfast, and you're driven to the brink
Just because there are those minds, that hardly ever think
Do I have to sit and fester, cos my digits ******* stink
I'm being blocked from running taps, and every ****** sink

There wouldn't be a problem, if there were no kitchen clinger
What the hell there is no chance, when certain parties linger
Never mind my sopping palms, or my little pinky finger
The lavvy's always occupied, and the bathroom's a dead ringer

Greasy paws are not ideal, when all taps are obscured
And my plight to being clean, is simply being ignored
Out of three there seems no way, that one sink is secured
Don't mind me it's just my house, but even that is flawed

Why do you have to dawdle, like a sunken ocean liner?
And use the kitchen like it is, a ****** all night diner
Don't mess with me and I promise, I won't become a whiner
There are some chairs and I can't think, of anything that's finer

It's not as though there is no room, and you're stuck on the ceiling
Why are you standing in the way, like you are Dolly Dealing?
I'm sorry but I don't find, my dripping hands appealing
That's when I abruptly realised, that I had that sinking feeling

You'll always be my precious one, you know I really cared
I think about the times we had, and all the love we shared
Why does our health diminish, why could you not be spared?
I hope there wasn't any pain, I hope you wasn't scared

You seemed to age quite rapidly, I watched you go downhill
The struggle of the last few weeks, I knew you were quite ill
You fell into eternal sleep, it was such a bitter pill
And I would do most anything, for you to be here still

Why is life so hurtful, why do loved ones have to leave?
Most of the time feelings suppressed, but all the time we grieve
Another peice is torn away, which pain cannot deceive
Lonely feelings cloud my mind, but that's all I can achieve

My precious one I'll miss you, I wish you were still here
Losing you is deeply felt, with all that I hold dear
Since you left, your in my mind, with every single tear
You would lay right by your side, and I would feel you near

You're no longer on the sofa, or waiting by the door
The bowls will leave an empty space, upon the kitchen floor
A wagging tail I will not hear, and chews will be no more
No barking at the passers-by, or shaking of your Paw

Cupboards will be empty, they'll be no treats or bones
No more early morning walks, no turning of life's stones
A disused toy neglected, that a dog no longer owns
Time is hash on those you love, it only lends and loans

All I feel is emptiness, because I knew you would depart
You'll always be remembered, cos you're locked inside my heart
I'll keep you in my memories, so we'll never be apart
What I really want to do, is go back to the start

I know I'm being selfish, but I am far from done
There are more precious moments, and more days left in the sun
Another jumped in window, and more lengths to be run
So I will never be quite whole, without my precious one

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, what the **** do we have here?
Your designation is unknown, and it isn't all that clear!
Are you a Homosexual, or some kind of a Queer?
Maybe your a powder puff, who takes it up the rear?

I'm sorry Sam I'm not quite sure, what you are meant to be!
Are you a **** or a Tom cat, or combined he and she?
Things may change, but now you say, you are none binary
Just because there's fake options, which doesn't impress me.

You look like **** but that's okay, it clearly is your goal
And it is good that your outfit, looks like a toilet roll.
Do you stash a little Sam, or is there just a hole?
Or could you be a Nancy Boy, inside a Barbie Doll?

Why don't you wear a *****, you could join the local creche
It's better than that corset, because your pressing too much flesh
The bulging is not flattering, and it really does not mesh
Even Frank 'N Furter had panache, and his sausage is still fresh

The front is just disgusting, you simple have no class
You may think your being diverse, but really your just crass
Does being dull come natural, cos your like unpolished brass
What you say, well no one cares, so blow it out your ****

Your hardly inspirational, and your clothes look like a rag
A Wooly woofer comes to mind, so does a bent gay ***
Perhaps your just a fat guy, who is terrible in drag?
I don't think you are progressive, your more like a ******* lag

For ***** sake Sam it seems your cards, are missing from the deck
But it's said you were conceived, from a creature known as shrek?
Well, well, well if that's your source, then what do we expect
No wonder people look at you, and say "what the ******* heck".

Even ******* have some brains, it isn't all that tricky
But it's entirely possible, that your mother was Queen Vicky
Fairy cakes are the results, from monarch's and green dicky
Your nothing more than just a ****, and classed as a Doohicky

You'll never be a legend, and your hardly just a myth
Because your act is wooden, and your singing voice is stiff
I think I've found the answer, so I'll never plead the fifth
Since you are a mixture, your the legion of Sam Smith

Brother Jim we'll miss you, your the best we ever had
You was more than our big brother, When life started to turn bad
We lost our loving father, you were like a second dad
Now your gone there's emptiness, and I always will feel sad

Why do life clocks falter, Why does our time unwind?
It only causes upset, for the people left behind
You were very gentle, and you always were so kind
Our feelings are being tested, and our minds are misaligned

A pendulum that does not swing, A spring that has uncoiled
Rusted cogs that have now seized, will never be well oiled
The second hand's stop ticking, and a single chime is spoiled
You can't outrun life's passages, because time cannot be foiled

Chances are against us, and life is way too short
Time itself is by your side, until we all get caught
All of us are grateful, for your love and support
Because you took care of everyone, without a second thought

Rays of hope have left us, and everything seems grim
You are our dear departed, now the sunshine has turned dim
Each time you were needed, you would go out on a limb
There'll never be a greater man, than our loving brother Jim

I love you my dear sister, I don't want to say goodbye.
Why did you have to leave us, why do the good things die?
Your in my thoughts you'll always be, a glint in my minds eye
A single tear I can't contain, so I won't even try

Whenever I feel lonely, I will search for the brightest Star
I will feel you near me, and I'll know just where you are
Although you are no longer hear, you just won't seem so far
Open wounds will never heal, and always leave a scar

A wilting rose is beautiful, even with a fallen petal
Thorns may scratch a jaded heart, and never will it settle
Jagged edges peirce my soul, they sting just like a nettle
Life is far too fragile, when our health begins to fettle

Mum and Dad are waiting, to take you by the hand.
They'll beckon you to follow them, towards the promised land
I'll think of you in every place, between the sea and sand
But you will have to wait for me, I hope you understand

Tell them both I love them, and I'm sorry to be late
But I will still be with you, as you walk beyond the gate
You will need their guidance, as they know you should not wait
And we will cry the lonely tears, of everlasting fate

One sun has set forever, tears hidden in the rain.
I know one day I'll be with you, and sun's will rise again
Until such time I will endue, cries of my inner pain
We will reforge our broken links, and reconnect the chain

We're fighting for survival, in a battle we can't win
Our journey's end as closer, to the point where we begin
I'll find you at the crossroads, where the road is running thin
We'll join hands and you will know, I love you Sister Lynn

Do you get a "buzz" from "bingo", or do you need something more?
A "full house" can be a strain, and sometimes it's a bore
You dont want a "chicken basket", uncooked and almost raw
Send it back and clear the room, then lock up your front door

Excitement comes to a "full house", when the fat lady sings
It's tastier with fleshy thighs, that wobble like oiled springs
Her "chicken basket " I would grab, as well as other things?
You'll get a "buzz" from succulent *******, beneath her "bingo" wings

There was once a thriving colony,  of staff to clean your school
But that is all but over,  cos you've acted like a fool.
You know that "Duel Toe Urges" only make us lose our cool
If we "Let Sour Greed" take hold, then it's braking your own rule

"Our Geese ****" were cackling once, when we used to have a laugh
All that has been ruined now, with sections on the graph
Why "Steel Our Edge" why alienate and ridicule the staff?
The sad demise is obvious, with the workforce cut in half?

I'm only trying to pay my dues, by earning a few bob
But having a "Rude Leg To Use" is something I would lob
I'd rather chuck the "Sealed Rug Out"  if I am on the job
No one needs a " Used Leg Route",  if you act like a ****

You don't realise what the problem is, why don't you let things be
It's known "Ogle Deture Us ", if that's all that you can see
When it's a "True Log Used" you're completely off your tree
But since I am resigning, then it doesn't effect me

Birthdays come and swiftly go, which doesn't seem that fair
Regrets are often prominent, when none of us are there
Saddness is a factor, but that's something we all share
But nowerdays its nothing new, and unfortunately not rare

So try to have a better day, then ones that went before
Cos life gets so much harder, and emotions are too raw
Years are passing quickly, then there're lost forevermore
A birthday wish could easily mean, age is our biggest flaw!

Regardless of my mental state, I will send my thoughts your way
I often think about you, when my lifes in disarray
Your there at night when I'm alone, and when we used to play
Our childhood dreams were better than, another lost birthday

Age isn't kind to most of us, but Pete you know we care
When quality of life is lost, it doesn't seem that fair
It hurts to see you struggling, and it's more than we can bare
Especially with diminished souls, and the lives that we all share

We suffer from lifes cruelty, fate has a broken seal
Failing health that's far too frail, will fall away and peel
Maybe we are selfish, but as people that's the deal
And dignity is highly priced, when body's do not heal

Time isn't a great healer, it takes as it ticks on
Eventually you will all see, when everything is gone
Where darkness is, it used to be, the place where lightness shone
Life was so much better when, our stars were wished upon

I can't bare to see you suffering, life's one thing you can't cheat
We don't want to let you go, it would make us incomplete
Broken hearts they stay that way, it's something you can't beat
We love you dad you are the best, and loyal husband Pete

Poor old Uncle Ben, looks like you have been fired
Get off our product packaging, your no longer required
Years of service would suggest, that you were once admired
But loyalty no longer counts, when your status has expired

Once you we're respected, and you didn't have to brag
I don't know why your suddenly, classed as a red flag?
They want to erase history, but their voices need a gag
A disrespect for microwaves, and rice boiled in the bag

Society no longer wants you, that much is surley proved
Do black lives really matter, when it's black that's being removed?
It doesn't make things better, and there's nothing that's improved
You can't substitute your ignorance, in the hope the world gets soothed

Why has he been targeted, why is it so precise?
Uncle Ben has been removed, from long and whole grain rice
Seventy years no way a slave, now he has paid the price
You have no thoughts, you've followed suit, you've taken bad advice

Your face must be offensive, cos they've played the racist card
This is the reason your now banned, and why you have barred
Paddy fields have felt your pain, they've taken the news hard
But it's not just blacks and foreigners, that's emotionally scarred

It doesn't matter what you change, or if old relatives discarded
He'll still be known as "Uncle Ben", he's too highly regarded
Whoever thought of this idea, they must be quite *******
Do you think your being diverse, when the public are bombarded?

Where is your proof or evidence, that the futures more inclusive?
It's not so stereotypical, when that club is non exclusive
You prattle on like pensioners, but your uncle's now illusive
How hypocritical can you be, when nothings that conclusive

Don't cause community divide, don't move things out of sight
Why do you exile darker skins, it simply is not right
Maybe it's your nature, and it's you that's not too bright
I wouldn't out of irony, ship them to the Isle of White

I fail to see the difference, with your product interference
Why are people in minority, scheduled for a massive clearance?
Perhaps you have a dislike, and you love race disappearance
The trouble is your arguments, have no sense of coherence

Who's next on the agenda, Who suffers the next chop?
Can I expect a range of goods, absent from the shop?
I hope "Aunt Bessie" won't succumb, to names that you will drop
Manhandled of her dumplings prove, that this madness should stop

Lunacy is on the rise, with the things that you endorse
Is "Meena" safe from tyranny, will you stop her at the sauce?
Or will korma be victorious, without the use of deadly force
With senseless attitudes of today, we'll find out in due course

I think that in all honesty, you've taking things too far
Even Disney's lost its faith, in Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah
"Uncle Remus" can no longer, wish upon a star
Despite the fact they said it makes, no difference who you are?

Your excuses are not valid, so I couldn't give two hoots
Footwear is getting tighter, cos your too big for your boots
I wouldn't be at all surprised, if you dispose of "Levi Roots"
No more music on your food, and there's no real substitutes

Scapegoats come in many forms, through all our uphill slogs
To save us getting in a jam, they ditched the golly wogs
It started many moons ago, with the grinding of lifes cogs
But it wasn't worth the effort, now we've gone to the dogs

Who thought of "Ben's Original", that name is just the worst
It's quite clear that "Uncle Ben", simply got there first
Originality isn't something, that is planned and then rehearsed
Your led away like mindless sheep, and your obviously cohorst

There's nothing wrong with Uncles, or a packet that shows faces
Especially when they depict, a span of different races
I'll only purchase Uncle Ben's, with intact ethnic traces
We don't want contradictory claims, with "Original" as their bases

I think I'll switch to bachelors, or even shops own brand
Cos I can't stand the way you treat, the ethnics of our land
Why drown yourself In petulance, why try to get things banned?
Your attitude just goes to show, that you are underhand

You didn't mind old Ben's face, when you raked in the cash
It seems to me your acting dumb, and being far to rash
Why is "Uncle " so offensive, and the cause if rice backlash?
Your suffering from vindictiveness, and a sense of being brash

Jars of cooking sauces, now have something they all lack
The distinguished face of a man, who happens to be black!
He is a childhood icon, and he should be brought right back
And never mind the unaoriginal, with "Original" on the pack

Don't rip away the legacy, of a man from way back when
Actions taken do more harm, more now than they did then
Take my advice just leave things be, and don't mention it again
Cos I don't think it's very fare, on poor old Uncle Ben

I've written letters of complaint, and I've made it crystal clear
That constant life insurance adds, are an insult to the ear
A thousand pounds near minimum, I still think that's quite dear
We resent your death reminders, every day and year by year

I'd much prefer an answer, but I'm simply being ignored
Your only interest seems to be, is we all get insured!
We're offered bribes to temp us, if a policy is scored
Vouchers for our honored dead, well that is no reward

A collaboration with the reaper, do you have to get so close?
It doesn't matter if its pure, or if it is grandiose
Biologically it's necessary, but from a certain point it's gross
We cannot deny we've had our fill, and now we're comatose

Larynxes are beyond sore, our throats are stuffed and rammed
Why do the brakes in programming, have to be so crammed?
Material that destroys your soul, should be condemned and ******
Pure profit over sympathy, with the public that you've scammed

Stop praying on vulnerable, stop banking on the needy
The volume of competitors, are getting far too greedy
Cash grabing is hardly fair, it's bordering on seedy
Would we like these adverts purged, the answers "yes indeedy"

Bleak broadcasting is of the scale, it's something we detest
Everyone is sick to death, and I really must protest
Don't you know that your campaign, is making us depressed?
We won't take this lying down, so please lay it to rest

Poor undertakers don't exist, their service price is shocking
Tailored suits don't justify, the dying that their mocking
A sordid quest for your demise, as heavens door is knocking
Caskets and a hired hurse, an expense that sure needs blocking

The pretence of the smarmy gent, his mannerisms are just fake
Pretending that they feel your pain, but their just on the make
Business deals are organised, and its not for heavens sake
Why don't we concentrate on life, instead of hearts that brake

Low cost funerals that's a laugh, who are you trying to kid
You even charge us for the nails, that seals the coffin lid
Twenty companies in excess, touting for your hard earned quid
Con artist's are in your face, waiting for the poor man's bid

It takes more than a few pennies, so don't raise your expectations
Cos in the end your still relying, on family and Relations
Don't waste your time on searching, through the mass of tv stations
It's impossible to get away, from funerals and cremations

Who needs a box of Sandwiches, who needs a plump Pork Pie
Snap those flimsy plastic Knifes, and bleed your Hip Flask dry
***** up your Paper Serviettes, kiss Plates and Cups goodbye
The War on Picnics has begun, and Coffee Beans will die

Bar B Q's will let them burn, checked Blankets can be ripped
Don't squeeze those juicy Oranges, all Bananas must stay zipped
Lock away your Wicker Baskets, cos Yogi's post is piped
The average bear has had his day, and smartness will be stripped

Cobs of Corn are wilting; they can't believe their ears
Asparagus has now been thrown, along with all the spears
Fresh Cream is left to curdle, Milk shaking through the fears
Too many Hops have been deflowered, so stick your crate of Beers

Who wants your Cheese and Onion, spin on my Sausage Roll
The march of Walkers has commenced, and Crisps have gone Awol
Let Iceberg Lettuce melt away, toss out that Salad Bowl
Tuna Fish has just got canned, so has the Dover Soul

Vanilla in an Ice Cream Cone, that's frozen to the scoop
Hard Boiled Eggs are going soft, so they've all flown the coop
A ****** on a Cocktail Stick, one ***** that's on the droop
Ripe Tomatoes are now squashed, pack up your Cup a' Soup

Chicken has turned rather fowl, Ham is now wafer thin
Kitchen Roll has given up, their towels have been thrown in
Farmhouse Loafs caught Cottaging, will take it on the chin
Candy Floss is so confused, and gone into a spin

Pizzas have fell like Domino's, they refuse to leave the Hut
Oyster shells are clamming up, so they are staying shut
Quarter Pounders lost their purposes, now they can't bust a gut
The bluntness of cheep Meat Cleavers, just didn't make the cut

The revolution of French Fries, cos they've all had their Chips
Slavery has come to pass, amongst the Walnut Whips
All Smoothies have had it rough, no blend without the Pips
Escargot are much to slow, so they can't pass my lips

Spaghetti tried to slip away, because it doesn't give a Fork
It's hairy for the Coconuts, but they're too shy to talk
Pepsi has been smoking Coke, as well as pulled Roast Pork
The Battering of the northern Puds, has forced them back to York

All the Grapes are souring; they have good cause to Wine
Nuts are turning to bad Seeds, upon the lonesome Pine
Pigs say that Bacon rationing, "is really just a swine"
We've grounded our Black Pepper, and of coarse it's now too fine

Fallen Fruits are badly bruised, too hard for any healings
A Jacket that once was snug, lost in Potato Peelings
Jelly has thrown a wobbler, why Trifle with its feelings
Biscuits forced into a Jam, so no more Dodgy dealings

Those Chillies are so lazy, Watercress will stay in bed
It's as easy as a piece of Cake, but the Beetroots seeing red
Margarine has hardened up, and the news has not been spread
Beef Wellington has had the boot, and there's nowhere else to tread

Apples are forbidden fruit, and Ribs are going spare
The Pastry has flaked away, from my sweet Chocolate Éclair
Will Lady Godiva ride again, to show off her lovely Pear?
Pringles popped and cannot stop, but they decline to share

Salad Dressing that gets caught, well isn't that just rude?
All the Kebabs are angry, because their Vegetables are skewed
Bottles are remaining corked; it looks like we are *******
Food unwrapped will go to waste, now that its in the ****

My Candelabra's round the twist, and it's getting on my wick
Pineapple Chunks and Silver Skins, are sliding down the stick
Unsliced Bread on your doorstep, I'm afraid it's much too thick
Fields of Crops aren't dusted off, so you can't take your pick

Peperami was an animal, but now he's just a yob
Gourmet food has lost its class, and turned into a slob
My Butter has now melted, Lurpak has got no ****
Donut holes are being filled, so ******* PC Plod

The Salt is in the Cellar, Sugar has got the Cane
Lollipops have all been licked, Crackers have gone insane
Soufflés refuse to even rise, and Tea has felt the strain
Frankfurter has to face Riff Raff, and won't be sweet again

Tarts who've lost their Cherries, are no longer sat on top
Unlucky Scones have been let go, so they've all felt the drop
Beans have done a Runner; fizzy drinks have all gone Pop
Cops are giving us a fine, cos they want Picnics to stop

Christmas time is here again, but it's lost part of it's cheer.
It's not how it's supposed to be, or like it was last year
Some families are being kept apart, Some people are alone
Outside dinings not ideal, when you freeze to the bone !

Catching a chill must be allowed, no matter if your old
Government's they just don't care, if you die from the cold
Days reduced from five to one, there's no standing by convictions
The ones in charge just cannot help, enforcing new restrictions

Authorities can bend the rules, but we can't compromise
Scare tactics are always used, mixed in with all their lies
The Christmas spirits calling you, our festivities are broken
I don't believe a single word, that Downing Street has spoken

What happened to humanity, amongst the policies of blindness
Even Scrooge he was redeemed, from the milk of human kindness
Past Christmases they seemed so good, compared to the Christmas present
The future doesn't have a place, if lifes forced into unpleasant

Sat alone can not be grand, for a person's mental health
No love for forgotten hearts, lonley on a dusty shelf
I'd rather take my chances, and extend a helping hand
Because that is so much better, than a devisitated land

So pour yourself another drink, and then raise up your glass
Toast old Boris with this chant, Hay Johnson kiss my ****.
Take a sip of pure contempt, signed with one mighty pen.
"Boris Johnson **** right off", please vacate number ten

You are no longer needed, we're sick of your ******* face
All you have done is to condemn, the entire human race
So take your stupid hair cut, this is something we all yern
Tied to a stake where witches stand.
And we'll all watch you burn

For God sake Mr Johnson, we can't take this anymore
It's seems you cannot help yourself, when it concerns the law
Do you intend to keep us all, behind our own front door ?
What happens if there's no vaccine, and we don't find a cure ?

People are still people, and this is no way to live
Local lockdowns just don't work, but more are still forthwith !
The killing of our livelihoods, is what we can't forgive
I believe the official stats, are nothing but a myth

It's all to do with keeping tabs, and global mass control
Restrictions on humanity, seems to be your outward goal
Don't go out and socialise, we no longer have the sole
Freedom of the beating heart, is what authority's have stole

Forced closers of our industry's, well it's just a bitter pill
Intentions are not honourable, when you don't foot the bill
Your decisions make us victims, and we've all had our fill
Months of being grinded down, mangled through an endless mill

There's billions of people, and we've had the rule of six !
But it's okay for governments, when they all want to mix !
Stop throwing mouldy carrots, then hitting us with sticks
Your not immune just because, you've had your Weetabix

What's the point in guidelines, even when you have complied
The cases are still rising, and people have still died
You don't lead by example, because you have no sense of pride
But we get fined and chastised, if none of us abide !

Your promises are always false, your nothing but a fraud
Most of us did what you asked, and this is our reward
Little progress has been made, still nothing has been scored
I'd expect a dire outcome, If you live by the sword

Football matches are exempt, from all the rules you set
Increasing numbers seem okay, when they gather round the net
Anything attached to sports, are not part of the bet
Disbanding and a standard fine, is what they deserve to get ?

Personally I don't much care, if your in a group or crowd
Stand up for your human rights, and do it loud and proud
The only issue that I have, is I am not allowed
Promises are meaningless, when none of them are vowed

So there are groups of people, why don't you leave them be
Major crimes are being ignored, and none of us are free !
We don't want overzealous cops, placing necks under their knee
I can't condone excessive fines, when it's such a hefty fee

The media is littered, but it's us that pay the price
If we don't adhere to stupid rules, or follow your advice
They almost alter daily, so how can they be precise ?
Is every course of action, a random number on a dice ?

You seem to have an insight, perhaps your drinking from the keg ?
Or you have a secret bloodline, and your mother's Mystic Meg  ?
Are you psychic or clairvoyant, is Nostrodamus old Nick Clegg !
Stop rubbing on your magic lamp, and abusing the prime peg

How do you know future, because you always have a date
Specific times for hair brain schemes, but you are much too late
We should have acted sooner, and closed our borders gate
Instead of ever changing laws, and creating a police state

It's a wonder there aren't storm troopers, barb wire nailed to the wall
Steel bars attached to our windows, iron maidens in the hall
Camera's installed in every room, Big Brother's now on call
Problems caused by men like you, the biggest threat of all

We're sick of being prisoners, and treated like we're fools
And Boris changing policies, with the constant change of rules
First you can and then you can't, with restaurants, pubs and pools
You don't mind the university's, or the students risk in schools !

It's arrogance that makes you think, your choices are correct
The reality of your actions, well it's simply pure neglect
You never really had a clue, but it's what I would expect
Society has been damaged, so you don't have my respect

Your half arsed decisions, why are they so on trend ?
They've hardly been effective, they just drive us round the bend
I'd rather have the holocaust, at least it had an end
A regime based on fascism, is the wrong message to send

Take a look at number ten, why was you even hired ?
You've had a taste of power, now your no longer required
Drawn and quartered hanging high, and then you should be fired
So get down from your high horse, cos even they get tired

You should retire from office, because you are far too keen
Give somebody else the chance, who isn't half as mean
Spend your time brown trousering, while bumming England's Queen
He wants to be elected, cast your votes for Mr Bean

Innocent pawns are sacrificed, but you don't take the blame
We're just the broken chess pieces. from a long discarded game
Sadistic orders are dished out, it's always been the same
Your more threatening then Corona, and you relish the acclaim

Liberty has been destroyed, now we're laid beneath the drapes
The iron curtain has returned, so has more sour grapes
Walking on smashed eggshells, watching every step we traipse
It looks like we're getting closer, to the Planet of the Apes

Petri dishes are unleashed, we've been thrown under the wheel
Your worse than the pandemic, because you have far less appeal
The ******* dictators, they just love to hear you squeal
Why should people waste their life, waiting for the world to heal ?

Heart attacks and lung transplants, are still on the doctors list
But ever since this came along, they hardly now exist
You've lost your cancer patients, now their slipping through the mist
Other ailments pushed aside, that's why we shake our fist

Where are the infected, and where are all the dead ?
Statistically it don't add up, I'm not taking it as red
Isn't there supposed to be, this huge big massive spread ?
You may as well ask a horse, The famous Mr Ed

It's a never ending cycle, and this could go on for years
The evidence of scientists, some advice falls on deaf ears
We can't be very sociable, we're a country split with fears
Pandemics shaped like wedding cakes, will always end in tiers

We've followed guidelines from the start, but progress has been none
Situations are now worse, so what good has it done ?
Forget the shackles and restraints, don't hide away or run
Yellow bellies face your fears, that's how the west was won

Come on now it's gone to far, so please give it a rest
We're basically the fall guys, cos we're under house arrest
Something's wrong with mental health, and you should take a test
Nurse Ratchet would be welcoming, if you flew the cuckoo's nest

What goes on in tiny minds, your thoughts are quite unjust
You're very good at ridicule, but much better at mistrust
Leisure and small businesses, are breads burnt at the crust
Perhaps you will be satisfied, when this planet's turned to dust !

Your no different to Napoleon, a claw that always grips
And you sound like Adolf ******, with dictation on your lips
Is Joseph Starling someone else, you acquire some of your tips ?
To toe the line you could use chains, and braided leather whips

We've tried anti social distancing, and masks upon our face
Kept away from people, and gave them their own space
Thousands have been wasted, on the worthless test and trace
It's criminal what you have done, against the human race

You dare to index people, and place numbers on their back
Or filed away and categorised, just to keep us all on track
It's the simple minds of pettiness, and IQ's that you all lack
There's talk of herd immunity, but not every sheep is black

All of these new amendments, are made up by useless jerks
High wages paid for scare tactics, to stupid little Berks
It isn't really guaranteed, that any of it works
Their only interest seems to be, the money and the perks

Propaganda is your standard, for that you are renown
Your only answer seems to be, is everyone lock down
Our lives are left in ruins, while your watching us all drown
We'd be better off with Roland Rat, and not Coco the Clown

Never mind Covid nineteen, because you have caused more harm
You have us clutched and running scared, inside your smarmy palm
Creating thoughts of suicide, is the smug side of your charm
It's too late to make amends, once you have chanced your arm

There's no consoling anyone, there's no shaking of the hand
Other households cannot mix, and all our friends are banned
Are your heads are up your assess, or buried in the sand
It's big fat cats and bureaucrats, who's threatening our land

We're sorry Mrs Thatcher, if you came back I'd be glad
You wouldn't try and lock us up, or treat everyone so bad
They said Rasputin was insane, and the Impaler known as Vlad
Perhaps their methods were extreme, but at least there iron clad

I've never known a virus, that knows the time of day
Curfews set at ten o'clock, watch out it's on the way
Lurking in the hedgerows, while it's stalking late night pray
Time itself makes no difference, to keep the bugs at bay

It knows your pigmentation, it knows your young or old
The difference between day and night, and if it's hot or cold
We've found a superior life form, put the printing press on hold
Downing Street has met it's match, because it's you who's being controlled

World leaders should now move aside, Trump, Johnson and Farage !
Your days are up, you've lost control, Corona's now in charge
It's telling you where not to go, and spreading like soft marge
The ancient mariner beckons you, to step onto his barge

So you've had the virus, well take a run and jump
No one cares about your hide, your just a worthless lump
You have less intelligence, than a forest full of gump
Why don't you just ****** off, we don't want you Donald Trump

Similarities with the PM, is Boris a clone or twin ?
Perhaps your a strange experiment, removed from a surgeons bin ?
You don't get votes for sympathy, by infecting next of kin
Extortionate hair is pointless, when it still looks fake and thin

Economy's have suffered, but I don't think that you care
What justifies seventy grand, spent on your stupid hair ?
Average citizens pay their tolls, raw deals are never fair
Why should we all cower down, just to breath in toxic air ?

You could've spent two fifty, whole grain would work a treat
Thirty biscuit's in one box, is value you can't beat
It would be ten days supply, cos three would look quite neat
All those taxes would be saved, if you used shredded wheat

Who's bothered about your progress, our phones have been infiltrated
Text messages are unauthorised, about someone who's not rated
Come on now and get real, your policies outdated
And that's because your past your prime, and crossly antiquated

Situations you don't grasp, for you they're out of reach
Like the idea of a syringe, full of domestic bleach
You can try your own vaccine, and practice what you preach
And spare us all from irony, and another ******* speech

Don't ever lose at poker, because times are getting hard
It could result in the U.S, playing their Trump card !
You wouldn't want old Donald, or Boris in your yard
So raise up your defences, and don't ever drop your guard

Isolation is not natural, it's like two peas in a pod
Vicious nets of pure deceit, captured in a school of cod
You have the same complexes, cos you both think you are god
But you are just the didymen, and modelled like Ken Dodd

I simply have no interest, in the updates on the news
Or agendas on scare mongering, or any of your views
The headlines in the papers, should be hung in loos to use
Why don't you go and swivel, on two splintered snooker cues

All shops are essential, and no business should be shut
No forcing pubs to close there doors, no wages to be cut
Stop acting like a ******, and being King Tut's **** !
I never knew a double act, created Fruit and Nut

Where was you both created, do you share half a brain ?
You and Boris cause us all, an extreme amount of pain
Lightning surely does strike twice, we hope it never strikes again
It's the nonsense thoughts and policies, of the criminally insane

You have a look about you, that is far beyond compare
I love your skin complexion, and I love your silver hair
The fact of your maturity, you know that I don't care
A certain kind of beauty, is so wonderful and rare

Is beauty on the surface, or a shallow point of view
Attractiveness is what I see, every time that I see you
I can never get enough, but that I think you knew
There isn't anybody, that can do the things you do

Age it doesn't matter, and to me it's no red flag
Your a golden oldie, and you've never been a hag
I class myself as lucky, so I hope I'm not a drag
Who cares what other people think, when their fingers start to wag

You may think that your haggard, but you always look so fine
I think your rather ****, and your body is devine
Much tastier than mature cheese, and better than red wine
There's nothing wrong with older girls, their better by design

A good man has been taken, you are a real good friend
Threads of life will always break, those rules we can not bend
Your resting in eternal sleep, why do the good things end
And Life itself gets torn away, chipped pieces that won't mend

Another friend has left us, like the sunshine leaves the rain
Our only comfort's your at piece, and your free from your pain
Heavens gates will open, and you will walk a mystic lane
Your memory will live on, until we all meet again

Why did you have to leave us, why did you have to fall
Everyone will mourn your loss, as your called to the great hall
Now that your no longer here, it will effect us all
Goodbye my man, my old mucker, goodbye our old friend Paul

A local lady would be nice, to reach my ****** peak
***'s, Gilf's and ****'s, and girls with extra cheek
You don't have to be a model, with an hourglass physique
I'm not concerned about your looks, or if your fat or sleek

If you are a willing female, then I would not hesitate
Entice me with your nakedness, and through your garden gate
Whether you are young and slim, or old and overweight
That doesn't really bother me, when we kiss and copulate

Big birds that need stuffing, old ladies with grey hair
I am not superficial, and I really do not care
Borrow me for favours, take me deep inside your lair
Invite me round I'll be discrete, and you can strip me bare

It wouldn't matter if your a *****, or an ugly looking skunk
Or if your a smoking crack *****, or an alcoholic drunk
As long as we can go *******, and squirt our lovely *****
And you don't mind an average Joe, that's not much of a hunk ?

******, swingers and brash chavs, bent over kitchen sinks
Inhibitions will be lost, after one or two more drinks
Fluids flow but I'd still go, into a hole that stinks
If I went there I would not care, what anybody thinks

If your hygiene is lacking, I'd just think what the hell
A sweating body against mine, with a ***** that works well
Extra **** is always good, when both of us can jell
Our pheromones would be increased, and I really love the smell

I may not be that handsome, or the cream of the crop
But getting older does not mean, these activities should stop
Take me any way you want, doggy or ******* top
Forget about party balloons, because the rubber will go pop

****, oral water sports, they would be such a treat
Especially in the same town, next door or the same street
Young maidens might be succulent, but they'd still have to compete
With the obese and elderly, because their so tasty and sweet

Don't waste time just searching, if you really want a man
Lifes too short to hesitate, lets get it while we can
**** mothers are just fine, as well as your Nan or Gran
And obese cougars are ideal, I'm a fat old woman fan

Large ladies are most welcome, so are haggard drunken tarts
And grannies that are ******, who perform in carnal arts
I wonder should I advertise, in Exchange and Marts ?
With all of the old bangers, and neglected lonely hearts

What we do we can't go through, without becoming quite attached
Everything is oh so good, because we are well matched
You may grab and you may claw, the surface is just scratched
I would hate to think of spoilage, and being too detached

Well let me tell you something, I always will go ooh
Especially when we get undressed, and it is just us two
If you laid down and we're exposed, then what would you do
And it revealed your intimacy, and showed us that its you

We've done so much together, after all the years we waited
It wouldn't really bother me, because I am now liberated
With everything that's out there, most of it's overrated
As long as we can carry on, and not get segregated

Exposure to the internet, well give me a bit of credit
I wouldn't care if it was there, or if someone else had said it
As long as we're both honest, then let anybody spread it
So what if pictures are undraped, on websites such as Reddit !

I can not help the sadness, my heart's now in my throat
A single tear lost in a stream, that never stays afloat
We will meet again someday, when we're called to life's great moat
And you'll be sailing on a wave, in a randy milkman boat

Our memories wont fade away, you are never truly gone
Your always there inside our thoughts, your legend will live on
We'll miss the laughter and the joy, you are the only one
The cheeky risque sometimes frisky, Randy Milkman John

Shopping's no longer simple, it has turned into a chore
Queuing up two meters apart, before you go through the door
The waiting times are longer, than selecting things in store
Not many take much notice, of the sections on the floor

The spacing may be necessary, it might be with good intention
You can't avoid some people, they don't pay enough attention
A free for all's unwanted, so is waiting for your pension
It's pointless having areas taped, if your lacking in retention

Some stores have one way systems, arrows that point the way
But people just ignore the rules, and always seem to stray
You become more apprehensive, when they walk inside your bay
I'm sorry if your in a rush, and It's causing you delay !

You try buying your groceries, so don't be a selfish swine
Why doesn't common sense tell everyone, to stay behind the line ?
No one keeps their distance, even though I'm keeping mine
Trying fast to get away, breaks my bottle of wine

It's not really all that viable, if any bag should rip
Damages are hard to replace, it's not easy if things slip
The waiting is the equivalent, to yet another shopping trip
Wasting time while I'm outside, is something I would skip

A single shop is bad enough, but I'll lend a helping hand
Certain things I can not get, not even shops own brand
Flour is now limited, and the choice is getting bland
Gaps where simple things should be, large spaces on the stand

Helping those who can't get out, many others on the make
Is harder due to panic buys, when there's no give or take
No wonder there is nothing left, their just buying for pure sake
Their need for more like "Oliver", is fictional and fake

Is selfishness your driving force, for the amount your gonna get ?
Are you emptying the supermarkets, to increase your product net ?
It's not as though you overbuy, so you can complete a set
Hording items is your goal, of that it's a fare bet

Why do people purchase things, that they don't normally buy ?
Leaving empty barren shelves, do they think the end is nigh ?
Is it to gain one upmanship, would they spit in your eye ?
Even leaches would not ****, the entire food stock dry

When supplies are getting low, it makes me want to frown
I know I'll have to wait outside when I go onto town
The distancing is bound to fail, and I feel like I will drown
Life is so much harder now, ever since we were locked down

You've been washing them frequently it's Alanis Morissette at 40 with "Hands Clean"
Is there any sign of life at Number 39 it's Duran Duran with "Planet Earth"
Education facilities are shut it's Alice Cooper at 38 with "Schools Out"
In at 37 The question on everybody's lips is "When Will I See You Again" by The Three Degrees
Number 36 The government would definitely approve it's Fever Ray with "Keep The Streets Empty For Me"
Hanging out with all the boys is no longer fun at 35 It's the Village People with "Y.M.C.A"
At Number 34 It might be too late for Michael Jackson to "Heal the world"
They should have dropped them earlier at 33 it's T'pau with "China In Your Hand"
Will the lockdown ever end or is it "The Day That Never Comes" its Metallica at Number 32
In at 31 We're just one out of many it's Culture Club with "Victims"
Touching and kissing could prove fatal at 30 it's Alice Cooper with "Poison"
Don't slip into reclusiveness it's Gotye at Number 29 with "Somebody That I Used To Know"
At 28 Respiratory systems are affected it's Berlin with "Take My Breath Away"
Number 27 Everyone's warned to stay away it's Patty Loveless with "Keep Your Distance"
The contagion is spreading rapidly at 26 it's Killing Joke with "I Am The Virus"
At Number 25 The average age of a Vietnam Combat Soldier is the same as Covid It's Paul Hardcaslte with "19"
We've been cooped up for weeks it's Alter Bridge at Number 24 with "Isolation"
At 23 Our towns and city's are infected it's System Of A Down with "Toxicity
Number 22 If enough protective equipment is not supplied it's "Blood On The Words Hands" by Iron Maiden
I can see you but only from afar it's Alice Cooper at Number 21 with "Might As Well Be On Mars"

At Number 20 social activities have ceased it's Peter And The Test Tube Babies with "Banned From The Pubs"
Flights and ferries are cancelled at number 19 it's Madonna with "Holiday"
In at 18 freedom has been taken it's Iron Maiden with "The prisoner"
Number 17 the situation is grim it's the Blue Oyster Cult with "Don't Fear The Reaper"
You'll be left on your own with number 16 it's Bananarama with "Cruel Summer"
Clubs are closed and the streets are empty at 15 it's The Specials with "Ghost Town"
Number 14 lives have altered drastically it's Disturbed with "Land Of Confusion"
Will normality ever return it's Duran, Duran at 13 with "Ordinary World"
At Number 12 The population is getting smaller, its Queen with "Another One Bites The Dust"
He's back but which one is he at number 11 it's Alice Cooper with " The Man Behind The Mask"
In at Number 10 it's a fare bet that you will its Gerry and the Pacemakers with "You'll Never Walk Alone"
Number 9 there isn't that many it's Pink Floyd with "Is There Anybody Out There ?"
At Number 8 ironically the Police will be watching you with "Every Breath You Take"
You may need gloves and sanitizer with Number 7 it's MC Hammer with "U Can't Touch This"
He thought you was his friend but nobody can help at Number 6 it's Black Sabbath with "Paranoid"
Something is threatening mankind but I think that's the government at Number 5 it's "Virus" by Iron Maiden
In at 4 We'll keep on fighting till the end it's Queen with "We Are The Champions"
At Number 3 on your trial again are the Police with "Don't Stand So Close To Me" or anyone else for that matter
Number 2 I think Ben E King will be afraid to "Stand By Me"
And for all you solitary brothers and sisters out there it's Seal at Number 1 with "Killer"

The whole world is in lockdown, no country is immune
We're all told to stay indoors, and not come out too soon
Like being in a chrysalis, cooped up in a cocoon
Social structure has broke down, burst like a flat balloon

We can't go out to party's, or be in a crowd
Pubs and cinema's have closed doors, locked behind a Covid cloud
Restaurants are out of bounds, because that is not allowed
Our enjoyment has been obscured, and covered in a shroud

Forget whatever we once knew, because there is a different law
Our freedom is now compromised, and large gatherings are no more
Perhaps we were over populated, when they opened the flood door
Thousands of people have now died, and that's without a war !

Everything has turned to ****, why didn't we take a stand ?
Barriers could have been raised, before it got out of hand
We might have stopped contagion, and the infection on our land
Acting sooner may have helped, but perhaps it was all planned ?

We should have closed our boarders, to lock out China's beast
Extend the quarantine abroad, to prevent our own deceased
Could homecoming pleaders, be why the death toll has increased ?
It makes me wonder, if this virus wasn't purposely released

Why speed up the outbreak, and bring our county to it's knees ?
It seems to me it has spread, with a sense of ease
The planet is now suffering, from a huge deadly disease
People think that your infected, if you just cough and sneeze !

The fears of our fellow man, and the entire human race
Drastic changes to our lives, we shouldn't have to face
We don't want people coming near, to invade our personal space
Is two metres far enough, with social distancing in place ?

Gloves and masks are being worn, and the public are annoyed
We're all anti socialists, because our life is now devoid
Most of us are scared to death, since Covid Nineteen was deployed
Ever since they let it loose, we have become more paranoid

Some people they are selfish, their far from being noble
Panic buying in the midst, of a pandemic that is global
It maybe worse than nine eleven, or the disaster of Chernobyl
Just think about the vulnerable, the elderly and immobile

No need to empty supermarkets, until there's nothing on the shelf
Stop buying an excessive amount, and only thinking of yourself
It's bad enough as it is, with the infection of world's health
Huge stockpiles should not be, the abundance of your wealth

Businesses have shut up shop, now the virus has been casted
Their efforts are most honourable, for however long they lasted
Do you need more sanitizer, is greed something you have mastered
Why purchase two hundred toilet rolls, don't be a selfish *******

Paracetamol is now scarce, with all of you go getters
It doesn't stop the disease, or being treated like we're lepers
Scaredy cats are even worse, than all the known bed wetters
How do we protect ourselves, cover the planet in French letters ?

The thought of even going out, causes so much apprehension
A short walk is excruciating, due to extra increased tension
Bus services have diminished, and most shops are in suspension
Some limited essential stores, but we're still held in detention

Holidays have been stopped, most of the planes are grounded
It's unfortunate your stranded abroad, why are you so astounded ?
Ignoring warnings not to go, so no one should be hounded
Staying would be preferable, soon as the alarm was sounded

A sudden interest in the homeless, they must think their on vacation
They only got them off the street, in case of contamination
We haven't had another war, now we're placed in isolation
Is this a way they can reduce, the surplus population ?

Ten people at a funeral, how are you supposed to grieve ?
A congregation cannot mourn, if their hearts not on their sleeve
The dead deserve much better, more respect for when they leave
Our family comfort is denied, it's an evil web they weave

You may clap for the carers, but upon closer inspection
They would prefer equipment, for their own personal protection
Some can't get the Covid test, it's an unnatural selection
People risking their own life, should be a health exception

Stay at home to save lives and protect the NHS !
A national emergency is declared, and the earth is in distress
Washing hands is paramount, but now it's in excess
Where is Coronavirus from, why did we grant access ?

China keep your viruses, don't be a whole world donor
We're ******* with isolation, and being our own loner
All of us are victims, but I am first class moaner
Everyone unite with me, and say ******* To Corona

Too many good kind people, we should never take for granted
Joyful times will always end, tears of the broken hearted
loved ones have been taken, ever since our time first started
No one knows the time or place, of our Dearly Departed

Precious lives lost in a dream, something you can not repair
Who decides a persons fate, who decides the when and where ?
We don't want to say goodbye, our hearts will bleed and tare
Nothing can prepare us, for the time when your not there

I'm tired of loved ones dying, so Death give it a rest
You take away our living hope, when you demand your final test
The legacy of one more soul, a diminished family crest
Your presence is unwanted, no one wants to be your guest

Time is short for us all, and none of us are spared
Everything will then be lost, when every heart is tared
Our times become a memory, with all that we have shared
It's the relentlessness of Death itself, with everyone who cared

Among the angels is our place, too many of us dying
The day will come when we are gone, and we're no longer flying
A wing that's clipped before it's time, without us even trying
We're left alone with loneliness, and the sadness of us crying

A living soul that fades away, why doesn't time relent ?
Looking back into the past, I wonder where it went
Why take the kind and pure of heart, why take the innocent
I will always think of, all the good times that we spent

A life that's touched a thousand souls, which everyone shall miss
We never wanted you to leave, now your lost in times abyss
Tears will fall for our auntie, our mother and big sis
Kind hearts won't be forgotten, because we love you our Mavis

Sorry Mr Jolly, I don't think your quite that frail
I offered my assistance, but now I'll have to bail
Your requirements are beyond me, a wash from top to tail !
My qualifications do not extend, to care for an older male

Who normally does your personals, why can't you get a bath ?
Official carers they just leave, and you can't get the staff
Does Mr Jolly scare them off, before they grace his path
Or maybe your too vulnerable, when you expose your bottom half ?

Sorry Mr Jolly, if your really all that smelly
I wouldn't be that comfortable, if I just washed your belly
Regardless of all other things, I'll stay home with the telly
And I'll see you in Psychoville, alongside Mr Jelly

Community spirit's one thing, but I'm afraid it must be trashed
Those parts of old men's body's, in my presence should be stashed
Mr Jolly I am sorry, if your washing dreams are dashed
I didn't really fancy, any part where I get splashed

Sorry Mr Jolly, can I give you a small tip
Emergency numbers aren't for you, to have a bath or strip
Scrub ups are not possible, and a shaving I must skip
Hygienic services I can't provide, cos I'm not well equip

Who said that I'd do anything, I think their just a wally
Old mens plonkers can't be handled, by a young blonde dolly
I wouldn't even try it, covered with an open brolly
What your asking I can't do, I'm Sorry Mr Jolly

Your capable of being nice, so there's no need for you to nag
Constant whining gets me down, please shut up you *******
Don't ruin the nice atmosphere, stop being such a drag
Is there any reason, why your acting like a **** ?

I suppose you think your clever, when you call me a fat slob
You haven't really room to talk, for eff sake shut your gob
Lap dancing ain't that innocent, when you grind a strangers ****
Your the one who's sitting down, on the ******* job

Wriggling your hips is seedy, and it's no way to behave
You've got a cheek wearing a thong, half naked in your cave
Why do you treat me so bad, or like I am your slave
Don't rabbit on all the time, like Chaz and ****** Dave

You say that I'm a ******, are you just being blunt
Whenever you converse with me, I hear you sigh and grunt
Rubbing your **** in someone's face, you really have some front
No wonder I'm a ******, when you treat me like a ****

Sometimes your very nice and kind, but those you quickly ditch
In favour of some nastiness, from a first class *****
Theres nothing like the quiet life, but that you want to switch
It's easier to get on, without the seven year itch

Intimacy would be quite nice, but you always make me wait
I'm being dangle like a fish, a rod without the bait
Do I have to book a session, so I can get a date
You start on me when you arrive, walking through the garden gate

What's the point in misery, cos it just makes me stagger
You look at me with piercing eyes, staring with an unsheathed dagger
A voice like yours is grating, and you can't stand my swagger
Can you not just leave me be, you evil ******* nagger

Good hearts are lost forever, why do they break and bend
An Image locked inside our minds, your journeys final end
Why have you both been taken, it's so hard to comprehend
One moment and your lives are gone, we'll never heal or mend

If only you wasn't at that place, in the darkness and the rain
Why was the timing so precise, when there is nothing to gain
To sever life so innocent, and inflict so much pain
It hurts so much to even think, we wont see you both again

Some questions are not answered, why did you have to die ?
Two precious lives have been lost, what is the reason why ?
I imagine your last moments, and the place where you may lie
And if you were cold and suffering, before you said goodbye ?

If only you had stayed at home, and you retained your health
And never even braved the storm, on the night December twelfth
There wouldn't be the horror, of cars hitting you in stealth
No red Mercedes to take away, the last of your life's wealth

Your more than my Uncle Alan, your a brother, friend and dad
Fate intervened and cut life short, a small dog and a lad
When I think of the people, and the faithful friends they've had
The loss of you and Maddie, just makes us twice as sad

If only Maddie was left behind, and you didn't ring that bell
You wouldn't have been on that bus, you'd be alive and well
Just minutes from that awful time, the place that you both fell
Will guilty party's speak the truth, will they ever kiss and tell ?

Who is held accountable, who are the one's to blame
Killing with a knife or gun, well really its the same
We don't want bad excuses, that are meaningless or lame
Are you all that innocent, if Alan's life is left in shame

If only you had been seen, why was you out of sight ?
It's hard to come to terms with, when the circumstance ain't right
We didn't know your final thoughts, on that cold and rainy night
Or that you would not survive, to see the morning light

I'll always have an open wound, when I shed my final tear
Knowing you have gone away, and wont be here next year
Both of you must have felt, the pain of your own fear
When you we're struck, all of us lost, something we hold dear

Be careful of the darkness, be careful of the night
Don't you ever walk alone, beneath the full moonlight
Lurking in the shadows, could be victims first blood bite
The luna cycle is complete, now the moon is fully bright

Hiking across the countryside, it may turn into a sham
Don't get lost and find yourself, inside the Slaughtered Lamb
What exactly is the meaning, of the five point pentagram ?
A star to warn of evil, or an ancient symbol scam !

If you find yourself alone, and your walking in the dark
Don't ever vere of the roads, and don't go in the park
Be weary of the shadows, and beware of
full moons bark
Stay out of the subways, or you'll be the lupins mark

Traveling on the underground, well this would be your choosing
Empty platforms late at night, could turn out quite confusing
A jagged tooth's awaiting you, your life you may be losing
Claws severing your mortal soul, and you wont find it amusing

You will know the moon is full, when the werewolf roars
A soft throat is easily torn, if you stroll on the Moore's
I don't know if you'll be safe, being locked behind closed doors
The wolfs curse is haunting you, a scratch from blooded claws

You'll suffer an unnatural death, if you don't watch where you tread
Condemned to walk in limbo, and be part of the undead
Decaying flesh on rotted bones, untill the last bloodline is bled
A silver bullet should be used, to sever the cursed thread

So don't dismiss the wolf-man, as a convict or a loon
With supernatural forces, it means that no one is immune
Cycles of the werewolf, well they come round all too soon
The Lycanthrope is watching you, so beware the moon

An angel has been taken, feelings of a shattered dream
Tears inside a waterfall, mixed emotions in the stream
Shadows cast on memories, across a burnt sun beam
Broken hearts melting away, are ripping at the seam

A precious gem has been lost, what is the reason why?
You will be remembered Jade, with every tear we cry
The stars no longer twinkle, sparkles lost in the night sky
Suns are forever setting, now we have to say goodbye

Petals fallen far too soon, a rose that's in the frost
A flowers beauty never fades, even when they have been lost
You are loved so very much, life comes at a high cost
Things we're so much better, every time that our paths crossed

Life is far to precious, but life is seldom fair
Knowing you have gone away, is hard for us to bare
The loss of you is deeply felt, because Jade we all care
You have touched so many hearts, but now they bleed and tare

Why did you have to leave us, days are no longer bright
We'll always have a broken dream, when we lay awake at night
Bleeding hearts will never heal, this simply is not right
A young soul should never go, when heaven's dove takes flight

Feelings are now tangled, knots in a rope that's frayed
Absent friends are always missed, when hidden in the shade
Thoughts of you will stay with us, your innocence won't fade
You are forever in our hearts, our friend and daughter Jade

I've walked with Ice by my side, for so many years
When you were a young dog, to days that bring sad tears
I can't escape my feelings, and I can't escape my fears
Hearts are scorched and burnt away, and flaking in the sears

With Ice by my side, it was only a small slice
Life is cruel as times progress, with rolls of the dice
My happiness is taken, and it comes at a high price
Now my heart has melted, just like the life of Ice

I see your spirit everywhere, because I can not release my bond
You are there inside the house, and laying by the pond
My Ice has left, she had to leave, and physically abscond
A part of me is missing, and my mind does not respond

It hurts to know you are gone, but it's the cards we're dealt
A moment of time that's lost, and nothing else is felt
I used to call you Woolly, now your part of the mystic belt
A comet amongst the stars, but it's hearts that begin to melt

You have been my faithful friend, and I have been your guide
There is a void of emptiness, across my life's divide
I will see you again, but it's when the fates decide
And I'll wander in the afterlife, with Ice by my side

As I gaze into the stars, what lays beyond the night
Visions on a distant dream, a spark of gleaming light
Is there universal life, why is everything so bright
Colours drained across the sky, nothing but impending white

I stare out of the window pain, I wander what's beyond
What's inside the shimmering light, what's behind that tranquil pond
I'm transfixed I can not move, my body does not respond
A pulsating flash is seen, but I can not abscond

The window cracks and shatters, and I have no strength or power
Pieces of a tormented mind, float amongst the glass shard shower
Has true reality been lost, this is my most desperate hour
Nothing else is seen within, what does the light devour

The drowsiness inside my head, or am I just mistaken
I am dreaming bygone dreams, will I ever be awaken
My feelings are forgotten, once again I have been taken
Is my mind fully intact, my journey is now forsaken

Voices are heard amongst the sounds, of close and distant screams
The presence of cold grey hearts, are drifting in my dreams
Visions seen through a clouded haze, nothing is what it seems
Piercing eyes of deepen black, skin shinning though the beams

Flickering lights a small movement, I am the victim of damnation
I unravel piece by piece, experiments undo all creation
What's the purpose of abduction, I have a metal implantation
My humanity is being removed, I no longer have salvation

I can't escape my tortured soul, while I am laying here
Time stands still within these walls, along with all my fear
Feeling afraid and vulnerable , but I can not shed a tear
Helpless to my abductors, I am taken year by year

Are human abductees taken, to cause humanities own destruction
And implants placed under the skin, to send people an instruction
I am always taken back, a time before my last seduction
The light will come for me again, upon my next abduction

Way back in my younger days, I joined the male voice choir
I was unaware of lurking gents, or **** men for hire
Praying on the innocent, might invoke brimstone and fire
Old and dark back passage ways, are not what I desire

There were boys and there were men, all singing at Saint Mary's
What I didn't realise is, ****** orientation sometimes varies
Just how many church goers, are gay high flying fairies
I didn't know I was amongst, a bunch of Julian Clary's

I may not be religious, I only came along to sing
And participate in ceremonies, and to hear the church bells ring
Gay gentleman I did not expect, I did not suspect a thing
Particularly the disgusting type, that want to slip you Black Pudding

I like a nice hot chocolate, but your type I do not search
Should you be in a religious place, like Saint Mary's church ?
Ogling all the younger boys, sat behind them on your perch
Your singing is a false front, because your just on the lurch

It creeps me out to even think, your in a house of god
The only thing your worshiping, is young arses to sod
Underage *** is blasphemy, but you don't think that is od
Your willing to commit sinful acts, to satisfy your stinking rod

Innocence gives you an excuse, and your sense to stalk and pray
You invited me for a coffee, I didn't realise you were gay
I saw you in White Lion Walk, and you lead my astray
What happened to the coffee shop, cos it wasn't far away

I ended up at your flat, not knowing you were bent
And you fancied a piece of ****, from an underaged pure gent
Because I like my coffee strong, didn't mean I was for rent
You came out in a dressing gown, and asked "are you confident"

I wasn't sure on what you meant, I know I was naive
You had nothing on except your gown,  and something up your sleeve
My comfort zone was compromised, and I wanted bad to leave
I'm not into male on male, it makes me want to heave

Could I have read the signs wrong, are you just being camp
Maybe your just friendly, and your don't want to clasp and clamp
Or stretch any of my sockets, or plug in your black lamp
It could be pretty dangerous, if your making dry things damp

The conversation took an unusual turn, I wish it was just babble
Mixing with the gay crowd, is not my kind of rabble
When I said "no" you then asked, "well surely don't you dabble"
I refuse to play your games, because your hardly into scrabble

I had to go once I knew, you was just a queer
You wanted to **** my ****, and take me up the rear
This is what I realised, so I left out of fear
Disappointed you may have been, but it's not the way I steer

You earned the name Black Dicky, it is just what you deserve
For you are so perverted, and By gum you've got a nerve
I am just a straight guy, I wont go the way you curve
The trouble is you try to persuade, the innocent to serve

I saw you some time later, in a toilet at the end
Peering over cubicles, but that's not the way I bend
Cottaging in public loos, well it is a gay mans trend
Walking out you even said, "I thought you was my friend"

Be careful in the White Lion Walk, the situation may turn sticky
A Black Man maybe waiting there, who isn't all that picky
Hanging around Saint Mary's church, he might try and grab a ******
Remember to tell this gentleman, "Please Go Away Black Dicky"

There are people in this world, and I don't mean to preach
I am exercising my rights, and my freedom of speech
Opinions will be expressed, but there's not much I can teach
Except these people drain the land, all ******* like a leach

If your a copper lover, and you like the boys in blue
Politics may float your boat, perhaps you don't have a clue
Royalists could take offence, you know what you should do
a WARNING from this moment on, I wouldn't read if I we're you

Just forget about crap brexit, it's the British who will pay
Who cares about a ******* deal, or if we go or stay
We never had no interest, with that ***** Theresa May
Her cabinet is full of ****, but they've always been that way

We don't need any governors, trying to take our land
Or politicians trying to rule, with their unruly hand
A state for every president, all thinking they are grand
And local law enforcement, I can not ******* stand

All people in authority, treat the rest of us like flops
The civil servants are not civil, nor are the ******* cops
Their issued with a uniform, and believe they are the tops
Illegal **** and seized drugs, are shared in bent cop shops

You could get a thrashing, locked behind that steel cell door
Or mowed down in a pursuit, or beaten to the floor
They get away with ******, and a hell of a lot more
In case you did not realise, Police have immunity from the law

Never mind Ladies and lords, in a world of pure desire
The deception of constabulary's, and the monarchy's a liar
They all adopt god statuses, it could be even higher
Escort them to the Wicker Man, sacrifice them in the fire

The Governments they ruin lives, their footsteps where dirt soils
Our leaders are unscrupulous, every country's left in spoils
Prime minister's winding up the world, in continuous loops and coils
The queen should go and **** herself, along with all the royals

A horses **** springs to mind, as well as ugly trolls
When I see that Prince Philip, and Camilla Parker Bowles
Charlie boy well what a ****, dragging Diana through the coals
Their the spongers of the state, all living of our tolls

Just take a look at palaces, and look at where we dwell
We're treated like we're second rate, and we all ****** smell
They stick their noses in the air, and you can always tell
That we're seen as the common folk, and we can go to hell

When seen in the public eye, you know they are looking down
They're no better then anyone else, underneath their royal gown
Why are they put on pedestals, and made jewels of the crown
And live in places that could house, half an ******* town

Who cares about false visits, who cares where they have been
Their only trying to look good, their not really all that keen
Flood victims and tsunamis, well they just want to be seen
We don't want the tossers sympathy, and ******* to the queen

Isn't she just too **** old, she should be abdicating
The rest of them can *******, their all so aggravating
Higher aches no one needs, because they are segregating
We're categorised into a class, and there is no negotiating

Disband the current monarchs, because they are out of season
The Tudors should've been the place, to put a royal freeze on
Why are they the privileged ones, there isn't a good reason
They are all above the law, and maybe that's high treason

All successors to the throne, they never had a spine
I'd rather be a *******, now the crown has lost it's shine
When there's marriage on the table, their not likely to decline
Has Meghan Markle ever been, The Bride of Frankenstein ?

I knew you were an actress, take a look at yourself now
You are like Kate Middleton, your just another royal sow
Is William a pig ******, he's reared three swine's but how?
Perhaps Harry's had a bit of  Kate, and bred that stupid cow

Because a prince just came along, and it was you they plucked
Was it the thought of royalty, when in you were then ******
Does aristocracy have its folds, are they all neatly tucked
The only job you have now, is lay down and get ******

Can I make one suggestion, now please don't take offence
You don't have to reproduce, with these two smarmy gents
Do you feel obligated, to mix in with their scents?
Or because you're now a royal, you have free tax and rents

Never mind the cushy jobs, when your in the special forces
Send William to the front line, after his training and courses
Why should our country pay, for all their false endorses
Is Margaret part of their clan, or one of the sad horses

The Duke of Edinburgh's award, why didn't he just pass
Sarah Ferguson was a commoner, and from a different class
Did Andrew like her freckles, did they extend down to her ***
She wasn't all that bothered, once behind the palace glass

Celebrities tolerate her majesty, they must have some endurance
Those poor ******* on that show, the Royal Variety Performance
Britain's Got Talent has it's winners, I hope they have insurance  
They're there for the prize money, not for the royals assurance

A variety of royalty, but there not all that enticing
So many bent police officers, who take small cuts from slicing
We don't want dodgy minister's, collecting and over pricing
It's a constabulary of governments with too much royal icing

A razor is my nemesis, because the blades do not behave
Gouging cuts into my skin, that is the path they pave
But it is unavoidable, I have become a bathroom slave
To rid myself of excess hair, from a shave that I don't crave

Ever since the birth of man, it goes back many years
A growth around your lip and chin, extending to your ears
It may go down particularly well, among the bents and queers !
I'd rather have a smoother face, to avoid Ducky's and Dears

Why do men want ****** hair, why do they want a beard
Bits of stubble sticking out, a design that's rough and weird
A Goatee isn't very good, it's cattle that's not reared
You wouldn't get tickled or scratched, if beards had not appeared

Okay some guys might look alright, when they are neat and trim
Scruffy ones they just look bad, and some are rather grim
I don't want hairs growing on my legs, or any other limb
Nice smooth skin is my preference, and it's not a passing whim

There is just one problem, something I would love to ditch
Hair removal is a pain, and it's an evolution glitch
When the morning comes along, I have that same old itch
Having to shave is immanent, and a *******

How many ****** shaves, does a man have to endure
Eventually your skin goes dry, from this old daily chore
You get cut far too often, I don't want it anymore
Razor blades no longer work, and that's a shaving flaw

Girls complain about their periods, it must be so frustrating
With all that blood just seeping out, when you are menstruating
You wouldn't like it daily, there is a period of waiting
It only happens once a month, so it's not as irritating

I'd rather shave twelve times a year, without anymore hair traces
No cuts and grazes for a month, in many different places
Unscrupulous razor companies, would have no more hairs and graces
Hairy smiles would be wiped off, from their stupid corporate faces

A close shave does not exist, I think it's a fare bet
That manufactures cut your throat, with electric dry and wet
All the claims of the best, that a man can get
Sharp shavers are a fabrication, and that includes Gillette

The cheaper brands are just as bad, shops own brand or BIC
You may as well tape a knife, to a piece of stick
Are potato peelers any sharper, would they be a valid pick
Would chipped skin be as bad, or just get on your wick

One shave is not sufficient, you have to do it twice
There's always bits left behind, which isn't very nice
I would've tried the No No, an expensive hair device
Razor blades and shavers, have such a high tagged price

It makes me cross and angry, because there is no reward
When buying beauty products, which they say you can afford
Why cant you have a body switch, or a desired level cord
So you can turn of your hair, and sod Wilkinson Sword

Excess hair I do not want, except for on my head
Is stress the cause of going thin, when it begins to shed
Would it not be better, coming of your face instead
Shaving would then be reduced, and not something to dread

Many men go through the curse, of losing it on top
The older that you become, your head hairs for the chop
A full crown is all I want, why take away my mop
I didn't want a bad harvest, by losing half my crop

The only place I wanted it, I've lost my style and flair
Why does a bald patch appear, why does your bonce go bare
Is it my comeuppance, with the creation of a glare
All I want from follicles, is my head full of hair

If you want to have a beard, then that is fare enough
Don't be mistaken for a *****, by looking like a scruff
I don't want a hairy face, or stubble that is rough
Or a weird beard with scraggy parts, or any yuk *** fluff

Some men just let beards grow, and maybe that's just crazy
It's not as though they look sweet, or as pretty as a daisy
Personal hygiene may not count, if they are always lazy
To me it isn't fashionable, it makes you look old and hazy

Who wants to be a yeti, but perhaps it is too late
And wild men roaming in the woods, is evolutions own cruel fate
No matter how much I shave, it's the scratchy bits I hate
Wasted shaves when hair returns, why does it lay in wait

How much has man evolved, how much as man progressed
Personally I think the state of hair, has radically regressed
It's based on my own experience, so perhaps I am obsessed ?
Who wants a hairy monkey, when your naked and undressed ?

There is a smooth advantage, when you are misbehaving
A kiss feels much more sensual, without the crazy paving
This is all that drives me, although it is enslaving
Even with the nice things, I'm not craving for a shaving

A wolf stands on the everglades, upon the jagged stone
Moonlight shines on flowered tracks, a grey and shadowed tone
Shivers of the full moon, why do I feel alone
The water falls inside my soul, and chills me to the bone

Streams reflect the mountain rock, the image from the ledge
Heartbeats pound into my chest, as I lay on the edge
Is the blood oath my only hope, is this my finale pledge
A glimmer through the old oak trees, past the trampled hedge

I am drawn towards the gorge, where old paths cross and wind
Running across the valley land, I leave the ponds behind
Is the wolf now following, or is this in my mind?
What's beyond those flowered tracks, what am I going to find?

A Raft floats in the harbour, a small child comes in sight
My mind is taken over, by the power of the night
Could my salvation be the blood, before the mornings light
Hunger will be satisfied, if a wolf's fang takes it's bite

Approaching the lake near the bay, a look into the Childs eyes
Am I compelled to cause harm, am I in a different guise
Songs are carried by the winds, when I hear those distant cries
What is down at Flowered Tracks, where the crooked beaked crow flies

A frightened girl is cowering, behind the damp hay stacks
On the prowl of claw and tooth, when the wolf attacks
Does a silver bullet count, what exactly are the facts
Fairy songs are Calling me, I must return to Flowered Tracks

Money makes the world go round, i think it's more complex
A mutual attraction plays a part, with people having ***
It's not really all that sordid, or a perverted mind
There wouldn't even be a world, without the bump and grind

Don't dismiss the theory, and be part of the gang
The Earth and all creation, was born from the big bang
If we didn't have the urges, then populations would diminish
Wouldn't people just die out, and that would be our finish

It's not so much a ***** world, that's filled with obscene words
Nature can be wonderful, if you embrace the bees and birds
Some people maybe reserved, but they still like feely plays
They'll fornicate and that is fine, in many different ways

Shamefulness is in the mind, but mainly in your thoughts
Even things deemed of disgust, like golden water sports
Attractiveness will always work, if the chemistry is right
Loosen up your prudish side, and never be too tight

Release your thoughts upon the world, it can be liberating
A closed mind needs opening, to stop it hibernating
In pursuit of money and wealth, is nothing too imperial
There are other riches to behold, that aren't so immaterial

Embrace your human instincts, you can stand up tall and proud
It's all to do with attitude, no matter quiet or loud
Repeal masses of pettiness, amend laws of your legislature
Indulge in all your fantasies, become one with Human Nature

Different words we will seek out, some are new and strange
The Enterprise has left dry dock, she's the only ship in range
We'll explore the distant galaxies, find other new life forms
There has been stars and nebulas, and hostile ion storms

The star ship Exeter has been found, orbiting Omega Four
Only uniforms remain, and the crew they are no more
They have suffered a disease, No one is left on board
We must beam down the landing party, lives we can't afford

Captain Ron Tracy has gone rouge, violating the Prime directive
While in pursuit of long life, this was his main objective
Crystal remains of the Exeter's crew, was it the planets evolution
The Omega Glory can be solved, with the American Constitution

If your not of the body, then brainwashing could turn sour
Mr Sulu is in paradise, just beware of the red hour
Hooded lawgivers are out there, for the bidding of Landru
Waiting for The Return Of The Archons, another Starfleet crew

Stella would chastise Harry Mudd, but he didn't get annoyed
Finally having the last word, with his special wife android
The arrogance of Harcourt Fenton Mudd, with a touch of eccentricity
Many androids created in I Mudd, a planet of multiplicity

Is Professor John Gill guilty, of a prime directive violation
Advanced technology has been used, to create a **** nation
The Planet Ekos is contaminated, evolutions set off course
Zeon pigs are off the street, to evade Patterns Of Force

Trelane wanted fun and games, It was time to make a stance
An ancient duelling pistol, may be Captain Kirk's one chance
Challenging The Squire Of Gothos, who is the sharpest shooter
War games against four federation ships, with The Ultimate Computer

The Mark Of Gideon was Kirk's blood, and Odona was infected
Kirok experienced The Paradise Syndrome, before the asteroid was deflected
In the body of Mr Spock, Henoch didn't have no sorrow
Will the essence of the captains mind, Return To Tomorrow

Plato's Stepchildren used telekinetic abilities, to force an interracial kiss
Zefram Cochrane's in love with The Companion, in Metamorphosis
We are stranded on a planet, something's threatening our lives
Body cells are being disrupted, so protect That Which Survives

A Requiem for Methuselah, Flint is part of ancient history
Miri is a young woman, the Grup's disease is now our mystery
Klingons in Errand Of Mercy, tried to take Organian's turf
A warhead in the past was detonated, in Assignment Earth

The Lights Of Zetar invaded the body, of Lieutenant Mira Romaine
Bread and Circuses gladiator sacrifices, a fight to the death again
Lost in the past will we get back, from All Our Yesterday's
Lazarus is positive and negative, The Alternative Factor's split two ways

Was the creature made of rock, we didn't know for certain
A fight with history's greatest foes, behind The Savage Curtain
Janice Lester captured Capitan Kirk, he could not elude her
She took over his body and ship, in Turnabout Intruder

An impostor is on board the ship, Kirk has been separated
Men have good and evil sides, but now there segregated
Does passive need aggressiveness, a malfunction caused their sever
Transporters need to be repaired, to splice Kirk back together

These are the voyages of the crew, of the enterprise
Many officers have died, and we've said our last goodbyes
Missions placed in the ships logs, along with crew memoirs
Our adventurers may continue, with our trek to unknown stars. . .

Wow what a night we have had, with your **** on show
I'm partial to your lovely cheeks, but that I think you know
It didn't really take too long, I'm glad we crossed that line
The bottom of the stairs is great, but anywhere is fine

You turned me on with your nice ***, there wasn't any Doubt
Such an exciting decision, when you got your great **** out
Leant on the stairs was lovely, I knew that we would jell
We got as far as the front door, before our clothing fell

Wow what a night we have had, I enjoyed squeezing your ****
I'm glad it is quite ample, and nice and big and sparse
It's good that we got naked, I hadn't been there long
To get undressed as soon as we can, is definitely not wrong

I loved the feeling that we had, it doesn't matter where
Whether it is on a bed, or bent down on a stair
We could try it in a field, or behind a wall
You can do anything you like, with no limits at all

Wow what a night we have had, with our inhibitions shed
It's just as good going upstairs, and continuing on the bed
We both got so excited, cos we knew what we would get
A different position felt so nice, when both of us got wet

What a lovely feeling, when our legs were in a tangle
When we layed down and our bodies, were at a different angle
I didn't really want to stop, because the feeling was amazing
We got so hot forget the heating, and the double glazing

Wow what a night we have had, and still it wasn't over
Your **** is just fantastic, you came like a super nova
We went downstairs for a while, and had a little rest
The sofa was the next place, where we did what we do best

I love to feel your moisture, I fingered you until you came
You were even wetter, and I know that I'm to blame
But I wanted your body, and I just can't get enough
Biting and scratching I don't mind, or being a bit rough

Wow what a night we have had, it is such a fantasy
If I had the choice it's where, I would like to be
It was so enjoyable, and I would do it all again
My mind is always thinking, of what night and where or when

I know it can be slippy, and it can be quite surprising
Especially when it's very damp, because we have been moisturising
Five times is achievable, your glistening body's a nice sight
A Pity it had to finish, but boy Wow What A Night

The five year mission continues, Mr Spock has got the conn
A shuttle craft is in pursuit, cos Captain Pike has gone
The illusion planet Talos Four, the Keeper there awaits
It's there in the captain's log, with other known star dates

Sent on a secret mission, Captain Kirk is on the bridge
Federation space left behind, we're too far from the ridge
Violating enemy territory, now our crew is on its own
The Enterprise Incident three Romulan ships, crossing the Natural Zone

Let That Be Your Last Battlefield, half black against half white
The Gamesters Of Triskelion, three brians gambling on the fight
McCoy had to use the Teacher, knowledge he had to gain
Medical procedures so advanced, to reattach Spock's Brain

We must feed Vaal The Apple, because it's our forbidden fruit
Gem could heal with just a touch, The Empath who was mute
The City On The Edge Of Forever, is where Edith Keeler Died
Did Kirk cause Ben Finney's death, a Court Marital will decide

If its The Way To Eden, then why have we found hell ?
Can we survive The Immunity Syndrome, an entity that's one cell
My thoughts to your thoughts, melding the ties that binned
An ancient Vulcan technique was used, in Dagger Of The Mind

Elaan Of Troyius potent tears, will make you fall in love
An endless fight where no one died, in Day Of The Dove
The ultimate threat The Doomsday Machine, a dangerous planet killer
A Parallel universe bearded Spock, beyond the Mirror, Mirror

Is Kodos the mass murderer, in The Conscience Of The King
A Taste Of Armageddon, is what computer wars will bring
Playing cards with Fizbin rules, for A Piece Of The Action
The Cloud Minders needed filter masks, to gain clean air extraction

The virus in The Naked Time, made the crew go wild
A baby was delivered, and it was Friday's Child
We've seen This Side Of Paradise, Spock's emotional from the spores
Flintlock weapons were introduced, for  Private Little Wars

Who Mourns For Adonis?, When there's no one left to grieve
The White Rabbit was late, when the crew was on Shore leave
For The World Is Hollow, And I Have Touched The Sky
Doctor McCoy was terminal, and thought he was going to die

We've explored the planet surface, red shirts have been deployed
All life has been extinguished, Cestus Three has been destroyed
Get the ship away from here, engage Warp factor two
The Enterprise we cannot lose, or any of her crew

Can Scotty change the laws of physics, when we all boldly go
Seeking out new civilisations, for life that we don't know
It's not life as we know it, but it's worth investigating
Mr Spock may raise an eyebrow, when he finds it Fascinating

Is There In Truth No Beauty?, when the galaxies edge is reached
Can Kollos the Medusan help, now the barrier's been breached
Kelvins have took over, it's By Any Other Name
Hurled from the Andromeda Galaxy, but the barriers the same

Psionic abilities were enhanced, as well as Mitchell's eyes
When we went through the barrier, with the Starship Enterprise
A silver glare is all it takes, to control the ship
The Phaser rifle has been sent, to loosen Mitchell's grip

We're leaving Delta Vega, where is the next star base
The Warp drive is offline, after the barrier in space
Heading back on impulse power, the engine's have been wrecked
We need emergency repairs, cos there's other Stars not Trekked

There's a lady that I like, she really is my type
She has got a nice big ****, that's succulent and ripe
I love to touch I love to squeeze, her bareness is just right
If she offered me the chance, I'd go round any night

She may not be a slender girl, but that is fine with me
Larger girls are something else, that's what I want to see
Her body shape is not sleek, to me she isn't drab
It turns me on to even think, of how much I can grab

Older ladies can be fun, I like them when they're aged
The golden years should be embraced, and *** should be engaged
It's not advisable to waste time, who cares about age span
Old and young can get it on, so get it while you can

It doesn't matter that I'm younger, cos there's nothing in the rules
Just because people may think, that age gap is for fools
Don't hold back when things are right, with any certain feeling
Thing's could get quite interesting, if there pointing at the ceiling

If you've got something that is good, or something thats pure gold
Whether it is something new, or something that is Old
It makes no difference what it is, with noses out of joint
******* up with what you've had, there wouldn't be no point

Maybe I am not a hunk, but I'm certainly quite active
It's not my fault that I find, older ladies more attractive
I am quite monogamous, and my heart's in the right place
A larger lady is all I need, to put smiles upon my face

Pick me up on any night, I'm available for the plucking
How tasty is a Lollipop, when your doing all the *******
You are such a nice girl, to me you are good looking
Don't wait to long to contact me, to arrange a sensual booking

If it's the middle of the night, before the sun is dawning
And you get that **** feeling, and it's early in the morning
Don't be all that hesitant, and don't let it get too late
I am always up for it, by increasing your heart rate

Do whatever takes your fancy, and you'll have no regret
There is an advantage, when you have a tête-à-tête
I'll try something different, give your secret list a tick
It doesn't matter what it is, so you can take your pick

If stimulation is needed, you know what you must do
Get me round to your place, and put your **** on view
Our nakedness is natural, and our touch is just habitual
Don't be ashamed of having ***, during the mating ritual

A starship is in orbit, around an unknown planet.
Science officer Mr Spock, is just about to scan it.
Lieutenant Uhura's on the bridge, she's on communications.
Unscrambling the garbled messages, from different alien nations.

At the weapons station, Pavel Chekov's a good aim.
Birds of Prey and battle ships, torpedoes locked on again.
Helmsman Hikaru Sulu, he will take evasive action.
Avoiding fleets of enemy ships, with his fast reaction.

Bio beds are operational, report to the sick bay.
Doctor McCoy's ready to heal, with his hypospray.
Christine chapel will assist, she is the ships top nurse.
Helping with the medi scan, if anything gets worse.

Way down in engineering, you will find Montgomery Scott.
Tending to his engines, he's giving it all he's got.
The captains personal Yeoman, will always lend a hand.
She's versatile and beautiful, and known as Janice Rand.

A planets cultural Interference, this directive is our prime.
Is Kevin Reilly going to sing, "Kathleen" one more time.
This is Starfleet's finest crew, it comes as no surprise.
Captain James T Kirk's in command of the Enterprise.

Tricorders at the ready, step of the turbo lift.
The Galileo Seven needs Dilithium, the shuttle's set adrift.
Let's look in the engine room, there's an Enemy Within.
Transporters are malfunctioning, creating an evil twin.

The Changeling Nomad got destroyed, a classic computer error.
They matched the Romulans ship exact, in Balance Of Terror.
Tomorrow is Yesterday, with a sling shot around the sun.
Phantom bullets will not ****, The Spectre of the Gun.

A shape shifting monster is aboard, a Man Trap to revolt.
Just give it what it desires, a large amount of salt.
Young men like Mr Evans, shouldn't be all that complex.
He can **** with just a look, that's why he's Charlie X.

Wasn't it the Deadly Years, when the crew got old.
Jack the ripper then returned, in Wolf In The Fold.
Pon Far fighting to the death, this was a Time Amok.
Believing captain Kirk was dead, and killed by Mr Spock.

McCoy had to heal the creature, before they could Embark.
The Horter was protecting her young, in The Devil in the Dark.
Vampire clouds smell sickly sweet, It was a valuable lesson.
Firing sooner makes no difference, cos it was a pure Obsession.

Kirk used the Corbomite Manoeuvre, Balok was just a boy.
Captain Garf took over the asylum, in Whom Gods Destroy.
A parent's death, no remorse, And The Children Shall now Lead.
Kahn's a genetically engineered superman, found frozen in Space Seed.

They had Trouble with Tribbles, too fast in reproduction.
Light In Operation Annihilate, caused the parasites destruction.
Caught in the Tholian Web, lost in between dimensions.
Mudd's Women had an agenda, and their own hidden intentions.

An Arena was selected, so Kirk could fight the Gorn.
It's guaranteed when Kirk fights, his shirt is always torn.
On a Journey to Babel, Sarek hadn't seen his son for years.
Him and Spock are logical, and both have pointed ears.

What are Little Girls Made Of, was replaced by robotic law.
Three Witches sent a warning, to beware of the Catspaw.
You will be accelerated, within the Wink Of An Eye.
Doctor McCoy will say " he's dead Jim" if anyone should Die.

United planets quest for piece, the federations ultimate desire.
The Klingon war, a warriors way, to create their own empire.
Phasers charged and set to stun, grab your communicators.
Save the ship, protect the crew from all war instigators.

The final frontier is out there, turn over treks first page.
Captain Pike was in command, and captured in The Cage.
Number one was female, but she didn't take the glory.
Pike relived The Menagerie, but it's still the same first story.

We've scanned for alien life forms, and stepped through the Guardians door.
We have been to Vulcan, and Where No Man One Has Gone Before.
So live long and prosper, the captain is on deck.
Beam up the landing party, to continue our star trek.

The Christmas rush has started, and the countdown has begun
Advent doors are opened, but look what you have done
You've ridiculed the Bounty bar, and your spoiling all the fun
Why buy a Celebration, if your not happy after one ?

What's behind the cardboard doors, what did you all expect
A gold ring perhaps, or the keys for a corvette?
Why bother with an advent, when you have no respect
There's no need for chocolate genocide, or coconut neglect

You shouldn't be so outraged, with your Christmas Celebrations
I don't understand the malice, or the advent hesitations
If you don't want a bounty, buy heroes or sensations
It's hardly a matter for Interpol, or the united nations

Celebrations are your choice, there's no cause for your regret
The outcome is quite obvious, why are you so upset
Are the pictures not a clue, to what your gonna get ?
No rarity of Bounty hunters, so don't mess with Boba Fett

Are Maltesers that much lighter, in a Galaxy far away
Maybe you will find Mars, in between the Milky Way
A Twix or Galaxy Caramel, they we're for a different day
But you've dissed your celebrations, and no longer want to play

Some YouTube clips have surfaced, and I have read the blogs
I think it's just pathetic, seeing chocolate thrown down bogs
Your creating your own misery, as well as yule time logs
You won't be very happy, when your toilet blocks and clogs

On day two you still complained, and you wanted to resist
Is that because the chocolate, was not on your Christmas list
Would you be pleased with mistletoe, if you never did get kissed
Christmas spirit has been lost, with your Snickers in a twist

Some people are just morons, that's the message that they've sent
Their expectations are to high, and cruel jokes are never meant
Why is Bounty not as good, to start of an event
A Snickers in your calendar, doesn't mean a ruined advent

When you decide to wash the car, make sure of your stability
Don't lose your footing, or any form of your own credibility
Some driveways are a dangerous place, they can be a liability
Knees get grazed through carelessness, but that's your responsibility

You've slipped down the embankment, you wasn't banking on a stumble
Coming into contact with the concrete, giving you good cause to grumble
Is it possible that your garden, has got loose parts that crumble
Or was it due to clumsiness, that made you fall and tumble

Water splashing on the car, but it wasn't that translucent
You ended up with ****** knees, from your unruly movement
Bucket dropping did not help, with your clean car improvement
I can't say that your actions, didn't cause us some amusement

We had a laugh at your expense, because your knees got scuffed
Spilling water on the path, is when your legs we're stuffed
You didn't look too happy, so I guess you wasn't chuffed
Because you fell, it'll be some time before the car gets buffed

One thing I will mention, we would not have seen you fall
If you didn't have that camera, that you wanted to install
But it has served it's purpose, cos we have seen it all
You was not completely focused, and you wasn't on the ball

Security has now been viewed, splashed water not in stealth
Is it worth the hassle, when you clean the car yourself
You don't want to trip and fall, and damage your leg health
Take it to the car wash, cos it doesn't cost much wealth

Your unfortunate leg scrapping, we hope it was not deep
But we nearly ****** ourselves, when you fell in a heap
We laughed at your misfortune, it almost made us weep
Cleaning cars come at a price, when it's done on the cheep  

Some Ideas are valid, and most of them go far
Set backs are not wanted, make sure that your on par
Be aware of your surroundings, if your washing the car
Trips around the garden could result, in a blooded scar

I knew they'd be more sightings, it looks like I was right
The day has arrived once again, where things have come to light
Shinning armour is absent, and there is no gallant knight
Oh Annette, there's only Den, and your chastity's not tight

It seems Miss Tidy has returned, she's covered a long span
**** escapades displayed again, written by a big **** fan
***** heifers filled Cow Pies, diving in like Desperate Dan
I wouldn't mind a go myself, because I am a man

Bus stops and phone boxes, seem to be your mainstream media
Your depicted as a ****, and your appetite gets greedier
Every time that you appear, your antics are more seedier
Be careful of your infamy, you'll end up on Wikipedia

What the hell is going on, you've resurfaced once again
There's no accounting for good taste, with ******* different men
I don't know if it's better ***, than your getting from old Den
Oh Annette if you get judged, it'll be a Ten from ***

Bus shelters are the place, to read about your ***
Showing intimate parts of your life, like the local multiplex
Written words like **** and ****, are nothing to perplex
It's obvious what's going on, its hardly that complex

If **** *** is preferable, if it's not just a passing whim
You can lick my exposed ****, and I'll give yours a rim
A tight *** is just as good, as a nice warm ****
Oh Annette untidy your legs, and we'll go out on a limb

**** *** excites me, but there's just one small detail
Is your *** completely free, or is your **** for sale
If you use lubrication, then it never will get stale
Naked flesh I really like, that's probably cos I'm male

If telephone boxes we're obsolete, if bus stops did not exist
Where would Annette's news be then, from the *** obsessed artist
Would he try a public lavatory, would he have a different twist
Oh Annette If writings ceased, *** stories would be missed

George Formby leaned on lampposts, but I'm not sure I'm a strummer
Unless you count a *******, and you are a heavy ******
I'll wait until you come by, for one hell of a good ******
Outside in the night light, so much better in the summer

Could you be a lovely girl, or are you an ugly *****
**** ***** and ***** *****, are just the local lingo
Oh Annette if you want ***, don't wait too long in limbo
I can do it on all fours, as well as legs akimbo

Softer holes are better wet, **** positions don't much matter
Whether it is *******, or laying a bit flatter
Certain parties can be fun, if your naked on a platter
A very happy unbirthday treat, I'd share with the Mad Hatter

Do you bite as well as ****, be rough and rarely gentle
let passion take control of you, cos I'm not temperamental
You seem to be the kind of girl, to be experimental
It makes no difference if your a ****, it isn't accidental

There's nothing wrong with ***** *****, if they are never shut
Open all hours is quite fun, when you're an **** ****
I hope you have "**** Handles", that are looming round your ****
So Annette relight my fire, I don't want my long wick cut

Come on now be daring, because you seem like an old friend
I hope your ****** preferences, are not just a passing trend
So much is known about you, with all that has been penned
If your into *** ***, then give your **** a lend

Just how many blokes you've had, well I don't have a clue
There's Den of course but now and then, you try someone new
It doesn't really bother me, if you've had quite a few
You could be in fetish films, if your backdoor is blue

Perhaps I have misjudged you, and you are a teachers pet
And everything that has been said, is something you regret
But If the rumours are all true, then I would not forget
To stuff my ***** up your ****, and I'd say oh Annette !

Fat arses are so squeezable, big bums I rather like
So amplify your cellulite, and step up to my mic
Pins may shake and quiver, if I can score a strike
A Fat **** has more stability, to park my mountain bike

You may prefer a slender girl, with a bottom that is sleek
And fatter girls are not for you, or not what you would seek
Some little arses can be cute, but I want that extra cheek
I need some chunky piece of ****, to reach my ****** peak

I don't want a boney lass, who wears a leather mini
A larger girl I'd rather have, than a woman that is skinny
Imagine a great big ****, bulging out from a tight pinny
Bear arses are acceptable, just look at that Pooh Winnie

Size twenty dress would be fine, but better times by four
With Something to grab hold of, that would thrill me even more
Bigger bums and fatter thighs, that take up the whole floor
Squelching fat I would enjoy, I don't want a thin girl cure

Thin sticks maybe preferable, those girls shaped like a rake
Stupid ****** I don't want, or **** that could be fake
Fat ladies have more bounce, and they will never brake
I don't mind some extra skin, that's sweating like Swan Lake

Larger woman are more fun, they have a wetter gape
There's more to love per square inch, WOW what a body shape
Smother me with all you've got, a complete body ****
I wouldn't be like Steve McQueen, and try The Great Escape

I'm interested in BIG thrills, but I don't want silk or lace
It's certainly a worthwhile trip, if it's shoved in the right place
Delving into the unknown, well I'm not sure that's the case
You know exactly what you'll get, with fat arses in your face

A nice thin *** is okay, but sometimes they're quite drab
Even if your figure's slim, I'd want more **** to grab
I'd rather have a bit more fat, which includes dimples and flab
If your offering your fat ****, call me a mini cab

Excursions during twilight hours, to avoid the daylight sun
I prefer to be in stealth, I'll be on the midnight run
It doesn't matter how large you are, even if you weight a ton
Fat arses I will always grab, now wouldn't that be fun

There's nothing wrong with pertness, so this I will announce
But doesn't a nice fat ****, have extra pounds per ounce
With more to grab and more to squeeze, and definitely more bounce
Big cats scratching for more meat, will always make me pounce

If you are not good looking, and you look like a pig
I'll forgo your outward looks, as long as you are big
Bare your *** in front of me, and give me the gig
You can reach your Top Gear, with a helmet like the Stig

With a *** like the Grand Canyon, I wouldn't want to pass
Mammoth mountains of pure fun, as i lay in the grass
A women laid across the world, with a big fat ****
I'd try extreme obesity, if it's open wide and sparse

So take advantage of me, and let your **** end loose
I'm a man who likes em big, without being too obtuse
Use your fat for basting, and I'll give your **** a goose
We could do well with a good game, according to old Bruce

You may like slimmer ladies, but come on now you gents
A bums a *** after all, so stop sitting in the fence
If you would try a fatter ****, you wouldn't be so tense
Don't be a ******* plonker, you know that it makes sense

Thinner lovers may change their mind, and not think fat is vile
It's just a different point of view, depends on your own style
For that deeper piece of crack, I'd go that extra mile
I don't think a fatter ****, is bottom of the pile

Maybe you don't share my views, but there's something I can teach
A plumper *** would be great, that is within your reach
Succulent cheeks that you can grasp, your hands could have one each
Even James gave it a go, because he had a Giant peach

The perspective of a chunky ****, an amazing smile and crack
That's the exciting view you'll get, when your stood round the back
Its great to feel you way around, when everything's pitch black
You'll find it an experience, if you are right on track

A nice *** I wouldn't mind, so come on where's your *****
Bigger cheeks I can't resist, theres no need to get me drunk
I wonder if the girl next door, has some lovely feeling chunk
Enticement is my spice of life, cos I'm not a ******* monk

To like a larger lady, well It's not classed as a sin
Shallow men may only like, a girl that's really thin
Just because our clientele, are not shaped like a pin
Fatter girls have twice to give, it's like loving the same twin

Some fellows might think I'm blind, and need a pair of glasses
You can leave the lights on, cos I don't think fat is classless
Flash your **** at the back door, and you won't get any passes
Tables and sofa's can be used, to display your great fat arses

You are loved so very much, too much for words to say
So many times you cross my mind, ever since you went away
Your face is etched within my thoughts, that's were you'll always stay
I can't describe the way I feel, not even day by day

My heart aches to see your face, I miss your lovely smile
I want to hold you in my arms, even for a little while
You are placed inside my heart, cracked like a broken tile
Living is not easy now, it's harder mile by mile

Just remember that your loved, you are deep within my soul
Hearts will break now your not there, and  never will be whole
I wish I could see you again, along my life's long stroll
A cry in my own heartache, tears fall and they take toll

Every day your in my mind, I don't know what to do
I hope you don't forget me, because my love is alway true
I'll remember you forever, and I hope that you will too
Because your always in my heart, and I'm always missing you

My mum I love you dearly, if only you could stay
Life is far to painful now that, you have gone away
The emptiness my heart is felt. my feelings are astray
How am I going to cope, now the sun has turned to grey

Please forgive the way I feel, I know it will surely show
But that's because I love you mum, I don't want you to go
If I could see you one more time, things wouldn't seem so low
I'd tell you that I love you, just so that you would know

If I could have just one thing, I'd pray for that one wish
The timeless wonder of your soul, I would hug and kiss
Your in my thoughts forever more, within my dreams abyss
I will forever love you mum, and your kind heart I'll miss

A man after midnight you can have, you know I'm always keen
Things go bump in the darkness, doesn't matter if it's seen
The Nakedness in the shadows, hot wetness when I've been
Would you like a feel tonight, and a **** Halloween ?

I will turn up after dark, way into the time of night
Do you want me in the night, do you want a ****** bite
It doesn't matter if things aren't seen, or if they're out of sight
I'm sure our peaks can be reached, before it gets too light

So lay temptation in my way, sexuality is your lure
I can not resist the dark, when my thoughts are so impure
I'll always want the ecstasy, I am so very sure
You can take me anywhere, if you let me through the door

I came along to your garden, to see your chillies growing
Unaware of what laid in wait, or what was really showing
There stood a glass a lidded drink, familiarity of knowing
If that's what I think it is, I don't want it overflowing

Do my eyes forsake me, is that a fluid from the body
Is that froth of a good beer, or from a head that's shoddy
Does it look like what it is, a very dodgy toddy!
Ghoulish drinks will turn you green, like Goblins are in Noddy

What the hell you thinking off, with water that's distilled
It smells like the local gents, so it should not be spilled
I don't mind a special brew, but this time I'm not thrilled
Unusual cocktails are okay, but not ones you have filled

Aren't beverages supposed to be, refreshing and thirst quenching ?
You say that it's good to drink, but really it's gut wrenching
An endless supply you may have, but it should be toilet drenching
Don't ever make a wankers drink, by using a fist clenching

You wouldn't want this drink on tap, it defies imagination
It's just the same as a lady, drinking her own *******
It maybe the water of life, but it's just urination
Aqua vitae is not my idea, of a real drink designation

Even just the thought of it, makes me feel sick and hazy
To drink a glass of this stuff, you must be ******* crazy
Well talk about recycling, or are you just bog lazy
Is Harvey Denton related, or do you live in Royston Vasey

People like to drink sometimes, is there something I have missed
You seem to have your own ideas, but with a certain twist
A brand new meaning you have brought, to getting yourself ******
Golden showers are one thing, but that's when your sexually kissed

There's one thing I'd like to know, so what do you say
Why do you think that drinking ****, will keep the germs away
It cant be very good for you, it's an inside body spray
Your just drinking toilet water, hay Jay are you ****** today ?