i can't tell where the sensitivity and the hunger starts
or where any of it ends
i can't when i want to eat
or if i'm full
or just want to give in
give in the empty nights
and senseless fights
and smoke and knives and abused veins
without you here i feel just not the same
is it worth it
to love someone who's just looking to wither away
is it love
i'm sorry to have been more than a game
and i love that for you i am safe
but what is love with so much pain
am i more self harm with a prettier name
i don't know who i am
but i'd scream it to the skies
that my name is cade
i can't tell you what the world means
or if i'm really as healthy as i seem
but i'll be ****** if i'm not trying
cause i have him
and him living means the world to me

i didnt think i would feel so at home
so welcomed
happy
joyous
by every god in the books, loved
by you
even sleeping alone on your couch
or dragging you out in front of your family
kissing by that odd fire
misplaced in early april warmth
at home with you
happy retun to family
my card told me i found a family
that i found happiness
i've found so much with you

in an already absurd world
i can't find any better words
to tell you love or to fix what hurts
crazy and cobain
and your hate is my love's bane
lovely even if insane
your loneliness eats away at my brain
simple and lame?
a heart sweeter than sugarcane
more mind-numbing than novacaine
i don't care about the "unintelligible" parts
just please take my heart
i have love to give
even if you think you're daft or dim
i think you're beautiful and prim
a rose in my life
no matter your strife
not meaningless, you have no end
the rules you can break and bend
i promise even when you fall a little witless
i will still love you then
and your extravagance will be something to witness
i promise you are not worthless
especially when everything is based on relevance
i raise you words of praise
for everything you've lived through baby youre so brave
i would follow you right into a grave
i don't mean to be so brash
in this world you're more than a rash
dashing and kind
not stupid or asinine
extraordinary
but unto yourself you are blind
you are up to the 9's
a supernova encasing my mind
i can't believe i get to say you're mine
such a stupendous guy
worth every star in the sky
maybe i'm running out of words this time
googling words won't make a rhyme
you are incandescent
my gorgeous light
you are ever-present
helping me through life
effervescent
i don't know what it means but it feels right
comfort personified
i could fall asleep with you every night

skinny jeans and tactical rips
dimpled skin
and dried out lips
laughing through not-even-kisses
or hazy eyes, grinding hips
honeysuckle vines
and bubbles from goldfish
voices that never hush
and vending machine chips
i think in trying to write you the perfect love story of boys
and maybe just the two of us are it

i am always the dead boy
in the pool
on the lawn
standing on the roof
dropped from some fatal height at dawn
i am some kind of main character
my grand stand
of all things
guess what
my magnum opus
is being dead

if you were never going to let me go
why did you even ******* home?

slow work
flowing smoke
tainted sobriety
every kiss, a ****

never sober with you
i accept your love
mood flood
the blood

good days are high
as kites
and mountain paths
i'd give anything
to make your ecstasy last

i can feel everything i've ever felt before
gathering
searing a hole right through my body
glowing
a radiant, painful sun
burning
only with purpose
to make light for you

a plethora of choices
plates clattering
so many voices
staring
at my own food
waiting
scared to make a move
why are you watching me?
did you eat more or less than me?
i'm struggling
can't you see?
all i have to do is eat
(please don't make me)
i need to eat to be
but i have
food anxiety

you don't need drugs
but i think i do
because i went just a few hours sober
and did **** that would upset you
i don't want to feel this way
i don't have any control without at least some smoke
i won't make it past a day
i'm sorry
i'm just not okay

im not a good friend
do you feel used
am i just one of the masses
**** im just never a good friend
im sorry
i missed you
even without
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry im not a good friend

i feel sick
with no idea what medicine will make it go away
i gave someone my rotten blood
i donated this **** inside my body today
am i an addict?
does it matter
i can't tell if i care
i think i just want more brain rot batter

are you
a young god?
rule me
use me
flawless
abuse me
do you feel
the power of god?
i'm shaking
cold
burning hot
i am
thriving
like i could be god
a young angel
******* and sweet
show me the bliss of god
with your touch please

i'm high.
not high enough to not miss you
i think i love him
he loves me too
but still,
will you let me destroy myself with you?

i just want to dance
with you
i want to act like a mosh pit freak
in a ballroom
forget it if the world is ending
just come dance too

flying
floating
levitating
above the speed limit
revving
running
escaping

anxiety pressing
my heart pounding
ears ringing
eyes unseeing
and i'm pressing on the gas
all there is
the climbing of my speedometer
because where are you
do you care
i think you have more pressing matters at hand

i feel like you reached back inside of me
and tore apart
all the pretty stitches in my heart
just to watch it bleed

it's easy call yourself a prophet
when yourself is all you see
selfish and immature
see you make death a self fulfilling prophecy
you aren't worth it
you were never a king
just a stupid monstrosity

i was doing so good
but the screaming grew and grew
i didn't want to
but me giving up and failing is nothing new

out and out
i feel better now
by and by
i'll be fine, catch you on the flipside

i think of field grass
and wheat
strawberry sunburns
and the beach
i think of late july freckles
blaring music
making a spectacle
pink lemonade and sweets
vapor clouds
and ripped jeans
sometimes i think of bad things
but maybe it's about
everything inbetween

sometimes i just think about you
and me

once
there was a boy called death
death was once an angel
angels belonged to the sky
they killed
he was not beautiful
he was the cruel, cold, murderous kind
death fell for a boy
he watched his smile
his eyes
this boy was not an angel
he did not belong to the sky
he was an ocean boy
with a sunrise smile
and mermaid eyes
death was still a killer
and with love he had a disconnect
but this fragile boy of salt and skin
death swore it was him he would protect
and enveloped him in wings
people have hurt death's boy
and soon they will learn
death always comes to collect

windows down
music's loud
i can't see
my brain is too fuzzy
i almost feel alive
driving 45
my head full of wind
i feel as if there's no end
i can't stop thinking of you
so close to wrecking this car too

sick, shaing, nauseous
a fear mongering kraken in my stomach
swirling the acid in my intestines
watching the churning waves
i don't remember how to swim
this is terrifying
but the only way out, is in

it starts to feel quiet
the constant rumble
like thunder
fades
facades
empty
you can still feel sound
vibrating strings
vibrato
B E
F natural
low B
your ears don't ring
you can't hear yourself even scream
drowning in a white noise sea

why did you leave
why did you leave
why did you leave
i can't breathe
can't speak
why did you leave
all i can think
why did you leave
walked away
why did you leave

empty wrists
slit
slash
squish
grit your teeth
hold your breath
empty
slip
writs
drip
empty
jump
wrists
split

if you're sick of that desire to decay
just ditch the plan
sit awhile and stay

the sun shining through a grey fog
peaking through a haze
the week long cloud cover
you wander
the scent of magnolia and cedar
trumping the underbrush
snagged by weeping willow branches
an archway
underpass
caught in your hair
the eery wind sticking in your skin
the midsummer's kind of cold
dew and moss damp
hot mud drying on your shins
a girl's giggle
the chuckle of forever 16 year old boys
she leads you on a hunt
singing on the creekbed
boys shoving and tugging
firecrackers
and river pebbles
a branch behind you snaps
yet no live soul stands there with you
a sheer, shimmering girl sits in the water
grinning, giggling, tending to the toads and frogs
transparent boys who died in red dirt roads and bogs
burning rubble on a freeway
made this forrest home to mischievious fae
banshees and beasts
singing into shrieks
boy's jeans into scales
or fangs and teeth

come see our forrest
a deathly fantasy
dont fret friend, no worries
how much of a ghost story
can dead kids be?

i'm not going to die
not right now

i'm just not ready
it's not curtain call, no final bow

i know
i am going to end up all alone on stage

but i'm just not ready
not yet far enough in age

if you'll let me
i promise i'll catch you everytime

even on the last day
when i too fall away

you said i would be your bestfriend
and to that i said you would be mine

all i asked was for your trust
and i will die to catch you if i must

maybe you already know everything bad about yourself
maybe you know everything bad thing you've done
maybe you think you're terrible
but i don't think you know
that i think about sitting in the street with you that night
almost in tears just telling you i didn't want you to die
maybe you don't know that i've never loved blue eyes so much
not because i see the sky or the beach
just because i see you looking at me
maybe you already know all the ways you've hurt people
but i don't think you know how peacefully i sleep with you by my side
how your whole body fits in a perfect way with mine
maybe already you know all the badsadterriblenangrymad things
but i'm here to show you the lovely things

i keep wanting to go home
i want my bed
and i want to feel safe
i want to go home
but i don't have one to stay
empty beige walls
or sheer red curtains
its all the same
none of it is my home in any way