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CAL 19h
i can't tell where the sensitivity and the hunger starts
or where any of it ends
i can't when i want to eat
or if i'm full
or just want to give in
give in the empty nights
and senseless fights
and smoke and knives and abused veins
without you here i feel just not the same
is it worth it
to love someone who's just looking to wither away
is it love
i'm sorry to have been more than a game
and i love that for you i am safe
but what is love with so much pain
am i more self harm with a prettier name
i don't know who i am
but i'd scream it to the skies
that my name is cade
i can't tell you what the world means
or if i'm really as healthy as i seem
but i'll be ****** if i'm not trying
cause i have him
and him living means the world to me
i just want to feel alive
get ****** and high our of my mind
but i love you
and for that i have to try
5d · 41
stomach cramps
CAL 5d
burning
churning
blunt force pain
nauseating
headache inducing
heat in my face
i feel as if
a fire is eating up my insides
ripping myself apart
and dumping out the excess pieces
a dagger shoved into my side
and blood pouring out my mouth
if this keeps up
i'll be bowwing down and out
im so dramatic
it cant be more thsn a cramp
6d · 40
9-10 of cups
CAL 6d
i didnt think i would feel so at home
so welcomed
happy
joyous
by every god in the books, loved
by you
even sleeping alone on your couch
or dragging you out in front of your family
kissing by that odd fire
misplaced in early april warmth
at home with you
happy retun to family
my card told me i found a family
that i found happiness
i've found so much with you
Apr 1 · 39
useless
CAL Apr 1
how do you stop being so...

stop sleeping in

god you are ALWAYS so...

why do you always forget that people need you
it doesn't matter what you need
who cares if you,  yourself, are sad or sleepy
you're supposed to work
emotional support isn't a job you can just quit
you're pathetic
and a loser
with only two friends
and no paycheck either
constantly useless
borderline abuser

you're never there when he needs you
and yet he's never let you down
mar 29
i wish i could stop and reset myself like a clock
CAL Apr 1
in an already absurd world
i can't find any better words
to tell you love or to fix what hurts
crazy and cobain
and your hate is my love's bane
lovely even if insane
your loneliness eats away at my brain
simple and lame?
a heart sweeter than sugarcane
more mind-numbing than novacaine
i don't care about the "unintelligible" parts
just please take my heart
i have love to give
even if you think you're daft or dim
i think you're beautiful and prim
a rose in my life
no matter your strife
not meaningless, you have no end
the rules you can break and bend
i promise even when you fall a little witless
i will still love you then
and your extravagance will be something to witness
i promise you are not worthless
especially when everything is based on relevance
i raise you words of praise
for everything you've lived through baby youre so brave
i would follow you right into a grave
i don't mean to be so brash
in this world you're more than a rash
dashing and kind
not stupid or asinine
extraordinary
but unto yourself you are blind
you are up to the 9's
a supernova encasing my mind
i can't believe i get to say you're mine
such a stupendous guy
worth every star in the sky
maybe i'm running out of words this time
googling words won't make a rhyme
you are incandescent
my gorgeous light
you are ever-present
helping me through life
effervescent
i don't know what it means but it feels right
comfort personified
i could fall asleep with you every night
one day i'll show you how to love yourself
it's the love you really deserve
Mar 31 · 52
boys
CAL Mar 31
skinny jeans and tactical rips
dimpled skin
and dried out lips
laughing through not-even-kisses
or hazy eyes, grinding hips
honeysuckle vines
and bubbles from goldfish
voices that never hush
and vending machine chips
i think in trying to write you the perfect love story of boys
and maybe just the two of us are it
im not a poet, just snother idiot
:) <3
Mar 22 · 783
dead boy vs perception
CAL Mar 22
i am always the dead boy
in the pool
on the lawn
standing on the roof
dropped from some fatal height at dawn
i am some kind of main character
my grand stand
of all things
guess what
my magnum opus
is being dead
cant escape it, might as well enjoy it
Mar 20 · 77
why did i come home
CAL Mar 20
if you were never going to let me go
why did you even ******* home?
this house makes my body feel like a prison
at least im a prison i can cut myself out of

please just let me go to him
Mar 19 · 223
good days
CAL Mar 19
slow work
flowing smoke
tainted sobriety
every kiss, a ****

never sober with you
i accept your love
mood flood
the blood

good days are high
as kites
and mountain paths
i'd give anything
to make your ecstasy last
CAL Mar 13
i remember why i wanted to be alone
please don't leave
don't let yourself fade to bone
there is no way to make your pain ease
i just want to help you
but i suppose it's useless to try
when i might need saving too
please tell me you love me more than you love being sick

i promise youre perfect as you are and you always with be
Mar 9 · 83
security blanket
CAL Mar 9
i will cover your imperfections with kisses
butterflies on broken flowers
busted knuckles and ****** lips
let me cover up your less than favorite parts
with parts of me instead
i will press my love into your tired eyes
sleep in my bed tonight
your bones against my thighs
it's okay darling
it's alright
i know it's hard to feel secure
but i can hide you from your mind
to show you how i see you is why i'm here
you don't have to change anything or throw yourself away
you're the prettiest boy ive ever had the honor to see
Mar 9 · 95
1:07 thoughts
CAL Mar 9
if i text you every half hour
will you text back
will you wake up
watching my texts stack
are you okay?
asleep and sound
did you get too sick just in a night
why am i so terrified that you aren't around
empty and numb
upset and dumb
i should just shut up
but i feel like i'm drinking from an empty cup
lovesick has a whole new meaning
Mar 8 · 51
my moon
CAL Mar 8
i can feel everything i've ever felt before
gathering
searing a hole right through my body
glowing
a radiant, painful sun
burning
only with purpose
to make light for you
Mar 7 · 33
food anxiety
CAL Mar 7
a plethora of choices
plates clattering
so many voices
staring
at my own food
waiting
scared to make a move
why are you watching me?
did you eat more or less than me?
i'm struggling
can't you see?
all i have to do is eat
(please don't make me)
i need to eat to be
but i have
food anxiety
i had to go out to eat twice today
i just want to sleep until i rot
Mar 4 · 53
need something
CAL Mar 4
you don't need drugs
but i think i do
because i went just a few hours sober
and did **** that would upset you
i don't want to feel this way
i don't have any control without at least some smoke
i won't make it past a day
i'm sorry
i'm just not okay
today just started going downhill at like 5 oclock and i just want a little bit of ******* nicotine so i stop cutting myself to sleep
i do not want to be sober, ever again really
Mar 3 · 53
im sorry
CAL Mar 3
im not a good friend
do you feel used
am i just one of the masses
**** im just never a good friend
im sorry
i missed you
even without
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry im not a good friend
Mar 3 · 49
bad blood donations
CAL Mar 3
i feel sick
with no idea what medicine will make it go away
i gave someone my rotten blood
i donated this **** inside my body today
am i an addict?
does it matter
i can't tell if i care
i think i just want more brain rot batter
i just want this feeling to stop
CAL Mar 2
are you
a young god?
rule me
use me
flawless
abuse me
do you feel
the power of god?
i'm shaking
cold
burning hot
i am
thriving
like i could be god
a young angel
******* and sweet
show me the bliss of god
with your touch please
call me a ball guys cause im rolling
Mar 2 · 567
momma's boy
CAL Mar 2
i am
just like you
i
cannot tell if i'm sober or not
i'm going to fade out
rolling
i'm everything you wanted of me
bleach'y curls
and a peachy grin
mom don't you love me now
are you watching me from your spot in hell?
it's just me, you
and everyone else
it's just my borderline
and your substacne abuse
the energy drinks, caffeine
nicotine
and thc
momma i found the song you used to sing to me
i'm
just like you, still
a lost momma's boy
she used to sing me strawberry wine by deana cater
CAL Mar 1
i'm high.
not high enough to not miss you
i think i love him
he loves me too
but still,
will you let me destroy myself with you?
i like to feel fuzzy
everything is so wrong but still it seems like the best it's all been for like half a year
maybe i jsut miss my best friend
Feb 26 · 418
dance
CAL Feb 26
i just want to dance
with you
i want to act like a mosh pit freak
in a ballroom
forget it if the world is ending
just come dance too
Feb 23 · 123
for a new god
CAL Feb 23
it replays
in a memory that was never mine
screaming in agony
falling out of the sky
the sizzling of flesh
feathers decorating the atmosphere
ash fell like rain
and i fell for him
in a flash of sparkling flame

everytime we touch now

i think i am falling again
for a new god
what did i ever fall for the first time?
Feb 23 · 238
elevated
CAL Feb 23
flying
floating
levitating
above the speed limit
revving
running
escaping
im high and wish you were with me
i miss you
Feb 22 · 39
on the cross
CAL Feb 22
cross my heart
hope to die
stick a thousand needles in my eyes

burn my wings
fall for flight
the angels will overtake the night

crucified
born of lies
king of thorns bled from his side

now we fly
not our lord
us angels live of another sword
angels lived long before there was any god
do not doubt the angels
Feb 19 · 204
pressing
CAL Feb 19
anxiety pressing
my heart pounding
ears ringing
eyes unseeing
and i'm pressing on the gas
all there is
the climbing of my speedometer
because where are you
do you care
i think you have more pressing matters at hand
"crash the car" all i could think, "crash the car"
Feb 18 · 56
bloat
CAL Feb 18
i feel like a dead body
a corpse full of fat

full

it's such a disgusting feeling
my insides slathered thick in grease
fat
bubbling, overwheling
fat
wretched curds
of fat
i don't even care about it
the fat
that isn't what made me like this
but still it's horrid to look at
lumpy, coagulated
fat

stiff
yet squishing, squelching
fat
******* fat
could you imagine
a drowned body
water-logged
bloated
but i'm not dead
no excuse
not even damp
just
fat
i ate today, a whole three times. i was happy today and now i want to slice open my stomach and scoop out everything with a laddle because eating causes bloating (to the very least)
Feb 17 · 212
i need a sewwing kit
CAL Feb 17
i feel like you reached back inside of me
and tore apart
all the pretty stitches in my heart
just to watch it bleed
Feb 17 · 64
alphabet soup
CAL Feb 17
how do letters and texts get caught in my throat
too late now
oh well
i just don't know how to make myself say the things i want to say
my brains is just soggy words and desires
mushed into a ****** broth of soup
why don't i come clean
honesty is too hard
why am i so mean
the moment's passed
so it's just more thoughts for me
im sorry
i promise i'll stay out this time
CAL Feb 17
it's easy call yourself a prophet
when yourself is all you see
selfish and immature
see you make death a self fulfilling prophecy
you aren't worth it
you were never a king
just a stupid monstrosity
Feb 17 · 83
blood letting
CAL Feb 17
i was doing so good
but the screaming grew and grew
i didn't want to
but me giving up and failing is nothing new

out and out
i feel better now
by and by
i'll be fine, catch you on the flipside
Feb 10 · 128
your name
CAL Feb 10
i think of field grass
and wheat
strawberry sunburns
and the beach
i think of late july freckles
blaring music
making a spectacle
pink lemonade and sweets
vapor clouds
and ripped jeans
sometimes i think of bad things
but maybe it's about
everything inbetween

sometimes i just think about you
and me
your turn
what about when you hear my name?
also in all seriousness i tend to just wonder if you're okay or how you're doing
my brain kinda goes "haha max we like him"
Feb 9 · 59
venus
CAL Feb 9
she would sit tall in a throne
as the castle burned down around her
the flames wouldn't dare touch the queen
not a lick to her gown
a burn to her skin

she would weigh her breast with armor
to protect anything but her heart
she is love eternal
even gods
are not invincible

not all feminine grace
but immortal
the golden beast on a battlefield
temperamental
a gilded sword at her hip
her son's bow on her back

no goddess of war
but need, beauty, sensuality
she is the spirit of victory
the war of sexuality

she would guard you
endlessly
could win any battle
not even recklessly
love is not all gentle
or, easy, simply
love can ****
even erotically
venus; kniwn as the goddess of love, romance, *** and fertility
was always the goddess of victory
worshipped and sacrificed to in battles of war
she prevails, triumphantly
Feb 6 · 65
an angel met the sea
CAL Feb 6
once
there was a boy called death
death was once an angel
angels belonged to the sky
they killed
he was not beautiful
he was the cruel, cold, murderous kind
death fell for a boy
he watched his smile
his eyes
this boy was not an angel
he did not belong to the sky
he was an ocean boy
with a sunrise smile
and mermaid eyes
death was still a killer
and with love he had a disconnect
but this fragile boy of salt and skin
death swore it was him he would protect
and enveloped him in wings
people have hurt death's boy
and soon they will learn
death always comes to collect
Feb 6 · 215
enticed
CAL Feb 6
sometimes i wonder
what was ever so enticing about death

but i always remember
when i feel as if i have nothing left
nov 2020
but somehow most relevant feeling now
Feb 6 · 122
cool down
CAL Feb 6
windows down
music's loud
i can't see
my brain is too fuzzy
i almost feel alive
driving 45
my head full of wind
i feel as if there's no end
i can't stop thinking of you
so close to wrecking this car too
why am i so worried, im so ******* worried
like worried enough to die
Feb 5 · 46
seasick
CAL Feb 5
sick, shaing, nauseous
a fear mongering kraken in my stomach
swirling the acid in my intestines
watching the churning waves
i don't remember how to swim
this is terrifying
but the only way out, is in
the only way to say someone from drowning is to swim
Feb 4 · 55
white noise
CAL Feb 4
it starts to feel quiet
the constant rumble
like thunder
fades
facades
empty
you can still feel sound
vibrating strings
vibrato
B E
F natural
low B
your ears don't ring
you can't hear yourself even scream
drowning in a white noise sea
Feb 4 · 57
welcome home dad
CAL Feb 4
i hate you
you tear me down in everyway
you make me cry almost every day
it's your fault
i act like a basketcase
blowing your stupid smoke
in my face
i get sick everytime you come home
like someone unleashed the crazy in my dome
i hate you
you make me want to be alone
i could overdose
but the drugs would make me too much like you
i don't think you would notice anyway
i hope you leave soon
and let me spiral
i would choose my mom any day
i can't express how much you make me wish i were dead
CAL Feb 4
why did you leave
why did you leave
why did you leave
i can't breathe
can't speak
why did you leave
all i can think
why did you leave
walked away
why did you leave
if i didn't want you there i wouldn't have waited for you
or choked out enough words to ask if you were coming with me
Feb 3 · 87
abstract jump
CAL Feb 3
empty wrists
slit
slash
squish
grit your teeth
hold your breath
empty
slip
writs
drip
empty
jump
wrists
split
Feb 3 · 81
just saying
CAL Feb 3
if you're sick of that desire to decay
just ditch the plan
sit awhile and stay
there's always another time to die
Feb 2 · 168
our forrest
CAL Feb 2
the sun shining through a grey fog
peaking through a haze
the week long cloud cover
you wander
the scent of magnolia and cedar
trumping the underbrush
snagged by weeping willow branches
an archway
underpass
caught in your hair
the eery wind sticking in your skin
the midsummer's kind of cold
dew and moss damp
hot mud drying on your shins
a girl's giggle
the chuckle of forever 16 year old boys
she leads you on a hunt
singing on the creekbed
boys shoving and tugging
firecrackers
and river pebbles
a branch behind you snaps
yet no live soul stands there with you
a sheer, shimmering girl sits in the water
grinning, giggling, tending to the toads and frogs
transparent boys who died in red dirt roads and bogs
burning rubble on a freeway
made this forrest home to mischievious fae
banshees and beasts
singing into shrieks
boy's jeans into scales
or fangs and teeth

come see our forrest
a deathly fantasy
dont fret friend, no worries
how much of a ghost story
can dead kids be?
i think we would all have semi-corpreal ghost forms where we could look like monsters or just ourselves
it'd be pretty rad
Feb 1 · 191
it ends
CAL Feb 1
yeah it probably ends badly
it always does
everytime somebody's heart hurts and shatters
and the credits roll
this movie was supposed to end
with a lovely wake
i'm not sure how it ends now
i can only guess with heartbreak
CAL Feb 1
i'm not going to die
not right now

i'm just not ready
it's not curtain call, no final bow

i know
i am going to end up all alone on stage

but i'm just not ready
not yet far enough in age
if i have only ever hurt people while being alive, is it selfish of me to want to live?
Feb 1 · 55
getting ready
CAL Feb 1
excuse me for a moment
let me put on my face
excuse me to the shower
scrub the mud from my hair
rip off my skin and wash out the bugs
scrub all the dry bleeding skin from my lips
excuse me
while i cleanse myself of everything within
let me become the one you all love, the pretty ditz
excuse me while i put the deftness into my hands
and daftness back into my head
excuse for a moment while i become someone else
let me get dressed
cover the scars
expose my collarbones
excuse me for just a moment
while i get rid of this
a thought
Jan 29 · 375
trust fall
CAL Jan 29
if you'll let me
i promise i'll catch you everytime

even on the last day
when i too fall away

you said i would be your bestfriend
and to that i said you would be mine

all i asked was for your trust
and i will die to catch you if i must
we're friends, no matter what happens
Jan 28 · 44
maybe you know
CAL Jan 28
maybe you already know everything bad about yourself
maybe you know everything bad thing you've done
maybe you think you're terrible
but i don't think you know
that i think about sitting in the street with you that night
almost in tears just telling you i didn't want you to die
maybe you don't know that i've never loved blue eyes so much
not because i see the sky or the beach
just because i see you looking at me
maybe you already know all the ways you've hurt people
but i don't think you know how peacefully i sleep with you by my side
how your whole body fits in a perfect way with mine
maybe already you know all the badsadterriblenangrymad things
but i'm here to show you the lovely things
you're lovely
CAL Jan 27
i keep wanting to go home
i want my bed
and i want to feel safe
i want to go home
but i don't have one to stay
empty beige walls
or sheer red curtains
its all the same
none of it is my home in any way
i just want to leave so i can go to sleep
CAL Jan 27
i want to say i believe i'm a good person
that i'm worth living for
that i deserve to live
i have the right to be loved

but i don't think that

i want to tell you
i clean up trash in the cafeteria
and i straighten up the flowers left at graves
i want to say

i don't need to die

but i can't
deep down i want to listen to love poems about me
and hold someone
i want to believe that my heart still beats

i want to live
but i haven't found in myself that i've earned it
i am not a good person
i never have been
Jan 26 · 117
scar faded memories
CAL Jan 26
sometimes
all i remember is her eyeshadow
and scars
slit wrists
upper arms
they were thick white bands
like bracelets
against her fake tan
her hair would fall out
fried from bleach
black and brown
sometimes
i only remember her late nights
just her and i
and her sticky bones
just her and i
until i stopped answering the phone

i don't remember what her voice sounded like
or her favorite color
i don't remember her lullabyes
her sort of green eyes
or how it sounded when she laughed
i don't remember what it was like to hug her
to let her brush my hair
i don't remember the last time i told her i loved her
i can't remember the last she was there

i see her in my own crosshatches
and full plates
i see her in a box of maches
and twisted strands of cigarette smoke in the night

i can't get rid of this prophecy
this is what she made me to be
i don't remember enough of her
but, i swear that she loved me
i don't like having regrets
but in her memory lies my biggest one yet
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