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If you were a color, you will be blue.
And if my feelings were red,
both of us together will be the color of fresh bruises.

You are so beautiful when you stare.
For the first time, I hesitated.
Within 17 hours and a few drinks,
I told you my secrets
and you said I'm trying way too hard.
You said it's okay.
You said you wanted to kiss me.

By the end of the night, I traced your scars like constellations across your body
and whispered,

"stay"
"stay"
"stay"

My last memory of you is your burnt orange shirt
and the lingering smell of pine needles.
And how seeing your backpack in a distance,
while you walk away,
gave a bitter taste in my mouth.

I cried when I got back to my empty apartment
I realized that you are my cue to stop.
If we meet again in another lifetime, I hope we are not scared to stay anymore.
Nothing good ever comes up with something so beautiful.

I heard they found a fossil on Mars,
impossible things are beginning to happen.
Soon enough, we will gloriously collapse and crumble
and the ashes will turn into gold,
and the only thing I'll remember
is the sound of your heartbeat
and the flashing pair of cinnamon eyes,
over the bar's blinking lights.

You are the epitome of every single thing I'm afraid of.
You break things because you don't know how to take care of them.
And I said I've been broken for too long,
I won't be the window anymore,
I will be the stone.

But you we're smiling when you kissed me.
We break each other until we're happy
we hurt each other and call it love.
Our love smolders and it was so beautiful.
I'm trying to find the right metaphor for the storm
but I ended up mumbling your name.
I can hear your bones break like thunder.
I can hear your cries against my windowpane,
thousands of miles from where you are.

You never thought I would stop running but I did.
I still remember the day when you beg my heart to settle down.
I still remember our little dance in the terrace,
two young people in the night,
experiencing forever in twelve hours.

You were the reason why I feel sad over the sound
of singing cicadas and heartbeats.
You were the reason why I stop leaving things unfinished.

Last night, a friend called and told me how you're doing.
I wonder if your scars still hurt when it's six degrees outside.
I want to cover your shoulder with words and moonlight until it softens.
Until you stop putting your hand on your chest at 2AM to keep it from howling.

I don't remember what type of storm you are anymore,
But I still remember you when it rains.
mulberry tea and half a slice of orange. Our forever ended seven years ago but I still remember you when it rains.
I found myself running after you in the middle of the night,
holding my heart together and shoving it in your rib cage.
I didn't noticed the contrast of your bruises.
You declared a war when it hurts way too much.
And I remember seeing the depth of hazel in your iris.

I've decided to build a great wall for the wars to come.
I let my anger smolder.

But my wall crumbled right after I built it.
It was the brightest time of the day.
I tried to hold it up with both of my hands,
but bricks became sands and sands became sea,
and I drowned.

The pain I felt was my own doing.
love is something that can't be forced.
I dropped my double edged sword in the ruins of my wall.
Vines are growing on my fingernails.
Wildflowers are sprouting from the back of my ears.

I am not looking for answers anymore but I heard it.
It says, "this is how you grow."
We're almost touching.
we were walking side by side,
you're talking about cabs in your hometown.
I can feel the gravity of your hand, calling my fingers
whispering "it's alright."

We're touching but not quite.
you held my shoulder to protect me from the passing cars.
and for the first time in a long while, I felt so fragile.
In this world where I find it hard even to breathe,
you believed me.

I almost said it.
All I need is one ounce of strength to tell you every single thing that I have ever felt about you.

I want to find home in your collarbones.
Would you be kind enough to let a stranger in?
I want to seep in your being because I'm cold.
The world is harsh and my cracks are aching.

Almost.
Please don't ever become a stranger,
whose laugh I can recognize anywhere.
Feb 2018 · 329
Things I wish I didn't do
My father used to say,
"Never trust a survivor until you know what he did to survive."

I lied to my lover when I said I love him.
A few years later, he asked me if I ever did.
I said "yes, of course.
But I did it to survive."
You said you wish you were as strong as I am.
I said I wish I have your ability to be gentle.

I wish I could be the one to apologize for what he did.
I wish I could take all the beating for you,
and let you know that life doesn't always have to be painful.
and love doesn't always have to be about a man.

I will always fight your battle.
I will always be the first in line.
We will hate our parents, we will hate the world.
We will talk about our dumb crushes,
and plan for the future of the female species.

I told you I'll dig you up when you die.
And I will punch you in the face for being a quitter.
I will roll my eyes and say,
"you ****** girl. You make me want to drink hard"

I love you for so long, you can't give up now.
just keep breathing one day after another.
Let me help you keep your head above the water so you won't drown.
Let me help you keep the blades out of sight so you won't get hurt.

And after the storm,
Let me teach you how to love and how to withstand the fall.
Dec 2017 · 249
I Hope You Die Old & Sad
Today, my mother bought me a shirt and it smells just like you.

I went straight to the past, back on our first date.
You told me you’re taking me somewhere.
You told me you will apologize to my mom.
You told me I was beautiful,
And it was so honest it hurts.

I learned that two years is not enough to know a person.
It’s not enough to have the assurance
that they will not put one foot out the door.

It’s been two years since I last saw you.
And I have a message from the girl who is not good enough.
She said she hopes you’re happy.

And she hopes that you die old and sad.
I met you the day that I was set free.
I traveled miles to be as far away from home as possible,
And here I was, in the city with people that I barely knew,
With memories that I have yet to make.

I knew your name after a week.
I knew your routine after a month.
I knew your anatomy after the 3rd month.
I knew your past on the 5th.
And I knew all about you by the time we reached the 9th.

I have no idea how I lost my love for rock music
and Marlboro reds.
One afternoon, I found myself next to you
and that’s when I lost my past.
Maybe, I said.
maybe we should’ve been together.

Believe me when I say that I want to take the eight years back.
And I will take them back with a kiss on your forehead and
Coffee sips on our favorite coffee shop.
I will take them back with photographs of our first gig,
And fights that we didn’t think we’ll get through together.
The day you left,
I went home and took a shower.
I cleaned every inch of me that screams your name.
I burned all the spaces you accidentally touched.

I asked myself why I keep on falling for men who has the same reaction when I told them my joke about lawsuits.
And why do I keep on hanging out with people who has the same taste in beer and marvel movies.

I have set myself on fire and
I'm contemplating how to get away with it.
I got a little shaken when I read the words "Should have" in the parking lot.
for the first time in five months,
I'm tempted to light a cigarette.

You were talking about tables and I'm thinking about what to write on the wall of the washroom.
I have this habit of leaving post-it notes on places where it shouldn't belong.
And by the end of the night I wrote down
"I'm glad I wore two necklaces tonight".

I was browsing Quora and someone asked how people accidentally **** themselves.

I answered in nine words:
"You need eight glasses of gin and some vulnerability”
Aug 2017 · 323
Things My Mother Taught Me
I was 14 years old when I learned resilience
My mom was sitting in the garage,
I can't see her eyes in the dark.
"It's okay to crumble at night, young lady.
But make **** sure you snap it all back together in the morning."

I was 19 and heartbroken for the first time.
My mother lighted my cigarette.
"The next time someone told you they love you just because you're pretty, show them your darkness and tell them to go **** themselves."

I was 23 and wondering if I'm worth it.
My mom showed me a baby picture of me.
"Your Papa wasn't there when you we're born,
I was in that ******* labor room and I was alone.
and that's when I know that I don't need any man to feel powerful."
I met a man yesterday.
He said something about eagles in Thailand.
and how your first love has a 90% chance of betraying you.

"tell me something I don't know"
"you're weird."
"tell me something I don't know"
"what happened to your eyes?"
"what happened to my eyes?"
"they don't have depth"

"tell me something I don't know"

he told me again that there's a 90% chance your first love will betray you.
I looked at this bright-eyed man and thought he doesn't know anything about me.
And I was struck by the colors of his eyes.
It's amber.
four or maybe six different shades of amber.

It's the color of autumn in New England,
It's the color of fire that's not too hot nor too bland.
It's the color of sunset in the Grand Canyon.
It's the color of the words, "Welcome home."

"There's a 90% chance that your first love will betray you."

My eyes are burning.

"But there's a 100% chance that it will get better."

My hands are shaking.

"All you have to do is let him go."

seven years.
*******.

"Put an end to everything that hurts."
May 2017 · 277
Why I Never Went Back Home
Remember that afternoon?
You were smoking your Winston and you told me that I have this weird type of charm.

And we're kinda sad because we have to hide our hands again the next day. We have to hide our photos,
we have to hide our words.

I remember you saying you'll commit when you're ready,
you just need time to figure things out.

I didn't question your reasons.
I didn't asked you why or how is that even possible if you love someone.

And the moment you left three years later, you said the exact same thing.

This town never changed since that afternoon.

But we did.
Apr 2017 · 298
CMHIII
I wish we could go back to day 0.
And I wish I knew that you're just a boy,
whose promises are always broken.

In an alternate universe,
I hope we were given a chance to be strangers again,
I hope we we're given the chance to heal.
You will show up when we meet.
And it won't hurt as much as it does today.
Maybe this lifetime isn't ours. Maybe we met too soon. But I know the Universe has its reasons. I hope you're happy with your choices.
I think I'm in love with you.
So, so bad.

        - and I hate it.
I hope I have the nerve to tell you this, but you're enough. A thousand times enough.
Mar 2017 · 264
You Said I'm Too Much
I am a lot of sensations in one,
a lot of taste, of storms.
of colors you've never seen before.

I am the myth you've never heard,
and the ode you never wrote.
I am the song that you don't know the lyrics of,
but you keep on singing anyway.

I was born to be the impossible,
out of the millions of possibilities.

And no,
I won't change for you.
Mar 2017 · 286
Home Is Where Your Heart Is
One of my favorite poet once said,
you can't make homes out of human beings.

But for the past three weeks,
you became the answer on a "what if" question.
you became a force, you became an adventure.
you became home.

— The End —