I wake up
with the same horrible set of dreams every night.

It makes me feel sick and frightened.

It really haunts my life.

I wish I could break this curse just learn to forget and move forward that way for once I will be able to have an decent  rest at night.

I always get woken up at the same time by the same set of  horrible dreams.

Maybe one day I will be able to find that peace of mind,
its just really hard to find.

Life can be really tough.

I get my daily reminders.

My nagging doubts.

The question that keeps popping up in my head is will I ever be good enough?

I hear so many negative voices telling me that I will not succeed.

Rejecting me and dissing my
life choices.

Wish they would just
be quiet and
for once leave me alone.

I just want to hear silence
that would
be the victory.

They
never stop taunting  and they
keep laughing
at me.

You will lose and we will win.

I will definately not give them any of that  satisfaction.  

I will never give up this fight. I will keep on trying and do my best.

I wish I never lost any more  weight.

It was an huge mistake.

One mistake I really hate and I really regret to this day.

I'm still paying the debt which is paid with my mental health and life.

Was always looking fine.

Didn't need to make any more changes to myself.

Being called chubby and fat by an  silly ****.

One afternoon
caused me so much destruction and sadness to my self esteem to make me  hide at home and waste myself away.

Still paying for the damages.
  
Life has been much more tough and hard to manage.

In the future
I will ignore the ***** in life who are never happy and want to hurt and bully innocent women walking out on the streets.

One of my goal's in life is that I will one day be more free to be myself  and be able to one day walk again.

No place to run
No place to hide.

The chronic pain finds its way;
the triggers are there every day without delay.

Bright lights, smell and sound.
There is never
an escape route.
At times you
feel dizzy.
At times you feel really weak.  
At times it gets so bad you can't even feel your arms and feet.

There is no cure for this chronic pain. It's living in an nightmare every day.

You have to learn to adapt to it the best you can.

It can feel surreal is this real or is it just an dream?

I hope I can wake up from this and live a normal life again.

But no this is real as it gets as you can always feel the pain and it will be here to stay.

Migraines wish you would go away and don't you come back another day.

Constantly feel trapped in my own private hell.

I remain in my own empty box.

Wish I could just walk, read and speak better.

Break the dark spell on my life feel happy and more free again.

One side of my body always feels lifeless,
I feel out of breath
really tired.

My brain on the other hand  
feels much more speedy and wired.

Got loads of ideas but can't seem to always keep them going in my mind for long enough and end up forgetting them.  

Things I really need to complete in my day but can only usually attempt to do a few things so feel like I fall way behind every one else.

Events I really want to attend and friends I want to see again which I feel like such an huge let down and usually have to cancel them in the end.

My body will not always work for me in the same way as my brain really does.

Instead my body  just wants to not do anything that my brain tells it to to do just  give up so easy in the fight when its needed the most.

I find I can't often move my legs and arms when I want to move them.

One of my eyes  doesn't work as well so I can't always see too good.

My thoughts are jumbled up in my mind so dont make much sense.

My speech is a lot harder to understand.

I feel like the  messy splat on the page that is  really trying to blend in and look dignified, beautiful and still but it's really nothing more than just a plain, chaotic, messy splat that doesn't belong there in the first place.

No matter how hard life can be though its always good to have a sense of humour and just  never give up when it gets really tough.

Cyber bullies stop picking on me because I can't always speak, write or read as well as you can.

One of these days I will prove you all wrong and really improve all my skills enough to do well again in life: then you will  be feeling like the hugest idiot in life and not me.

Stop making my life hell.

The cyber bullies are really the weak ones.

They have their own insecurities I can tell.

I am an really nice lady you just really need to take the time to really get to know me.

I really just want respect, friendship and love in this world.

I never really hurt anyone intentionally but other people have actually really hurt me.

I really just want myself and other people to be happy.

I don't want no more threats from you cyber bullies.

All day you hide your true identity behind that screen.

I'm sick of you cyber bullies  constantly laughing at my comments.

I really just had enough of  the cyber bullies.

Why have you got be so mean?

Living with migraines every day is already an huge  punishment enough for me.

I would not even wish this pain and sadness on my worst enemy.

I will keep trying every day to get better.

I will ignore all the negativity and  the pain that you cyber bullies  have all caused me from this very day.

I wish I could stop all theparanoid  thoughts.  Feel unsafe                              
in this world.                           Feel like                                I have to                      watch my                      back when                     I'm away                    
from home.
Feel like eyes are staring watching my every move               every time                                    
I walk into an room.                                  I feel other people can hear me, I can hear them too but this is not always when people are actually talking to me. I can hear  laughter and sometimes  horrible comments.                         With my logic I know this isn't  real. It can feel very real to me but this is all really just the fear beating me in the head again. I feel an constant dread  that something dangerous or sinister is lurking around me. I wish it would all just go away leave me alone and let me live my life in peace with my daughter. This uncomfortable feeling follows me around every where. I have to stop myself and have a good stare to make sure what I'm really seeing is the truth and not just another lie or form of deceit.

I hate waking up to screaming and shouting.                        It makes me feel stressed out and on edge.                                    I just want to hear the sounds of the  sweet birds in the morning have a much more calmer life but my life is anything but calm and  its definitely not quiet.               The mood of hearing all the  anger and fear happening most  night's often really impacts my quality of sleep and my own life.                                                               It made me feel a lot more paranoid.                                          I feel an nervous wreck in the day to speak to anyone. I have very few friends living near me for support to cheer me up and make me laugh but I do always have my family visiting me daily  and I do have my partner and daughter too but when my partner and family are back home I can feel isolated and alone having to manage with all my anxious thoughts in the day and the frightening voices I can some times  hear when I'm feeling really  down which causes me a lot of fear. I always  ignore this. I stand up against it and usually win  distract myself with keeping myself busy, doing my singing and writing helps to take this pain from me too.                        I struggle to visit public places without being with family or being with my partner in case I end up upsetting someone else in the room and being a  subject of ridicule and physical abuse. I had a whole life of being bullied for being different and socially  awkward around other people and whole lot of physical and mental abuse in the last 10 years because I have always been too  soft. I have rarely opened up about my abuse  and got the help I needed.                                          I would always put up with it as I never wanted to upset anyone else I just wanted to live my life without having any drama or hassle.                                           I feel I can't even say  what's on my mind much nowadays.            I can only really share my deeper inner  thoughts and truth to a  selective few  people as I'm too scared to do this with most other people  in case I'm hurt again by someone else but I am stronger than I look and can usually take all this quite well.  Will get there in time just need to recover and get myself feeling better again.

What I want to say to my daughter Sophie is I will always love her. Even when I been hurt so many times. I shrugg it off every day and I show her my love and  forgivenes. It can be tough at times when she's not happy with me but she means  everything to me. She already got a lot to manage in her young life and she was always a fighter from the start and doesn't know any better when she does lose her temper even when I tell her she needs to manage it better.  I really just want her to do well in life learn respect and just listen to me. I love her with all my heart even if the pain I get from it all does hurt me from time to time.                        I will always love her            my daughter sophie.

I want to survive this fight. I keep battling it every day.                 Sometimes                     the struggle                           just to breathe,    sometimes                     the struggle    
is to eat.                           I  do the best I can      to get through my day. It's been 3 year's of hell for me just one huge battle that I finally want to win and  survive for my daughter sake to see her grow up and to grow old with my other half is my only wish. Its really taking a lot of  energy out of me.                                  I feel like               crying at times,                            
but you know what       I will never give up. 
You never feel the same again and you always feel the pain.                                 I do this for my daughter and for my other half.                    
My other half does what he can and tries really hard to make me laugh. Distract me from all the horror life is now putting me through.                          Will I finally beat it and win this battle only time will tell.   Just want more than anything to feel fit and well again.

To me the word love was difficult to feel or define.                   
I never knew or could express what love was.                

I was only  half way there with my definition
on what love meant to me.
I was being assessed for autism on that day  
                                      
A physchatrist told me from my definition I had given him.              

I had only ever felt infatuation or lust
never felt what love was which was why I could not define this.

He says its down to all the shock and abuse I endured
The times I kept on denying abuse ever happened to me
making excuses for the abusers as I was and still feel afraid
of what happened
making it seem all rational and normal when it wasn't.  

I couldn't face up to painful truth of being abused
I kept trying to push it out my head or drowning the bad memories or thoughts it with alcohol
which only made the pain feel worst and more intense inside.

I said to the assessor
how can you expect me to define
what love really is?
when I was feeling  broken all the time.
Feeling rejected that I never really mattered much to anyone else. 
Feeling like I was always a second or third option
but never a first option.

The abuse I had endured made it difficult for me to have  relationships with men. I felt scared and on edge that I will get hurt again and the insecurities followed me around my head  for a long while as I felt that when I always got  comfortable I would end up rejected and  getting my heart broken.              


This is until I finally met the love of my life.                
I knew there was something I love
about him even from the start.                
My partner is energetic
and always wants to help other people
same as myself.                        
I know that I feel what love is for him
as no other man or woman ever  compares to him.                    
We had our ups and downs with life in the last 4 years
but we are strong together.
Life has constantly tested us
and we have always been there
helped each other out
from falling into the dark pit.
                            
He turns my frown into a smile
by making me laugh with his jokes.                
I can tell him anything and he can tell me anything.
There is always equal love and there is always equal support.
He's like my best friend as well as my lover
and always looks after me and sophie too.  
                      
He puts us first and I always do the same for him.                
We've been working on our issues together
and we make such a great team.                    
We are both creative and spiritual.              
He's helped me enjoy the good
and also get through the very bad,
being there for me even when I felt low
or when my health has been very poor.   
         
I've always been there for him
when he's equally had the good
and very bad in his life. 
                 
For me this is what  love is to me
he never expects anything
he just loves me how I am
and I love him that way too.
My bad experiences had blinded me
for the first 2 years of the relationship
and created more
insecurities but now
I feel more stable and much more comfortable with him     
We both are not perfect and we both make mistakes
and there is always ups and downs
but we have never given up on each other.      
I love him and sophie so much.
He's my love.

As being a mum to Sophie I worry too much about safety,
every day I check the plugs, wires, count my meds,
check the cooker is off multiple times.
I can't leave my flat without checking for something
or forgotten to do something important.
I even check I got all my cards and money safe in my bag
every morning and every night.
The OCD ritualistic thoughts are frustrating
won't leave me alone;
I had them for a long time.
They have got worst since drinking alcohol
and since I lived on my own.
My anxious mind just can't stop thinking about safety
and it drives me up the bend.
I feel unrested most nights
I feel tired and cant recall much around me in the day;
I can't really enjoy myself and be happy when I'm away from home
the OCD thoughts cross my mind and hit me hard.
My physchatrist told me I need to learn
to switch my OCD thoughts off
I need to feel more calm, write and color again and learn to
meditate let them all pass me by so I can manage better
and enjoy my life.
I get paranoid and feel scared to travel alone
down to my poor eye sight
and other people can see
I'm a easy target in the street.
I just really want to feel free and happy
have adventures again
and go outside in the great outdoors
enjoy socialising and visiting places
with my family and friends;
have fun with my daughter on the beach
enjoy the sunshine.
Learn to read books, do my writing and learn to sing
to help me to create some more positive thoughts
and memories so I can have a peaceful
rest at night and feel more healthy and more alive.
Instead of being stuck in
my flat from morning to night
I feel unsafe to go out anywhere
on my own
with the constant bullying and
nasty threats I get
I never cause anything
to begin with or do
anything wrong anymore
must be just unlucky and have
one of those faces and voices that winds people up
all I ever do is mind my own business
and enjoy walking the fresh air
no one deserves to feel
threatened in this way
I just want to be free
of being stuck in my flat
this year and take that next step
and go out more
and be happy and smile
instead of feeling scared
and worried all the time
that danger could lurk
around me every corner
and its worst for me
as I cant always see
that well anymore
and I just want to
feel more free
to escape
from the hellish
pit of the
OCD mind.

When people keep telling me about why I should
consider moving to a new flat
it just all upsets and angers me,
there are many new things and arrangements
that my brain would have to get use to around me
other than of course me and Sophie feeling safe.
What would my neighbours be like?
whether they will be more quieter or noisier every night.
Whether the place will be too hot or cold
my last flat had a lot of damp which turned into mould;
and affected my breathing and health.
What will the people be like in the local area too?
whether they would be friendly
or unkind when they are talking to me.
Then I would have all my things in my place all rearranged and
moved around again.
I do not wish to move as I finally feel comfortable
I have never felt settled and happy much
as I have been moved from place to place since I was a child.
I have finally in my 3 and bit years found a place that I enjoy living
at and me and Sophie can call our home.
I always put my foot down with my decision over the last 3 years as
Sophie and me are both happy here;
I want her to feel settled in this space.
She will know all her friends and be comfortable when she attends
school which is not far walking distance from our home.
The bus routes are more accessible for us both too we can
eventually travel to the nearby city or town when we both feeling
better and when its needed.
Life is not about having bigger houses as the larger the space the
more isolated and empty you feel,
my family had a large 5 bedroom house when I was a teenager
it always made me feel so lonely and unhappy;
the close connection as a family unit of 4
was no longer there it felt as if it all drifted apart,
we kept to our rooms and we lost the connection that we had
as we were all growing older moving on with all our lives.
My memory in my brain is foggy down to my cyst
I do still remember the happy feelings from time to time
and still smile and have a laugh the main thing is we
keep in touch with one another by phone, video call
and see each other for a catch up every now and then.
Moving to a new place made my personality unstable growing up
as I never knew or felt I ever belonged anywhere and finally I feel a
sense of calm and purpose that this place is now my home I love
the place I live at and Sophie enjoys it too and that is all that really
all that matters in life.
I don't live my life for material possessions or bigger properties.
I am all about feeling comfortable, safe and being real to myself.
Our happiness and good family memories are the main thing we
all share and you never really know what will happen in the future
so you have to make the most of it and enjoy every minute of your
life no matter how difficult it can be.
I want the best for Sophie to get a good education behind her but
more to learn all her important life skills so she can learn to survive.
Having a good education helps in life but she doesn't need a
degree to impress me or Vern she just needs to be happy and have
dreams in life that she wants to follow. I will support her wherever I
can same as vern and the family too. I want her to enjoy life as
being happy and stable is the most important thing not having lots
of money and cutting yourself from other people.
I value human connections and nature way more than money as it
makes me feel happy. I will do the best I can for myself, Vern, my
family and of course Sophie but this is why I put my foot down.

I don't want to move to a new place I am finally feeling settled,
calm and more at peace as this is me and Sophies home.
I feel more comfortable and I am very happy here
and Sophie is too. I may consider moving to a house one day
but more when Sophie is a teenager as she will need more space
it will always be a 2 bedroom and I only will move
if its still situated in the same area.

Moving is a big change in life I don't want Sophie
to feel unsettled she will make friends as she goes school
I want her to keep all that for as long as possible
I want her to achieve all her dreams in life too.
This is why I will not move for a very long time
I am very happy here and this is what we call our home.

My eyes are getting a little stronger each day,
but still can't wait for my treatment to help
control this unusual aliment.
I have had to learn to overcome this problem
its not been easy.
I have learned you can adapt to anything if you try hard
and put your mind really to the test.
My hearing getting a little better
it can still be a challenge to hear in busier environments.
When I get my digital hearing buds and had my medicine for tinnitus I won't look as strange to other people
who would understand my story
as random people often will judge or fear
things that are unusual or out of the norm.
I say people should make their judgements on me
but I can't stand people being rude it's best to be polite
and ask me questions if you are confused
rather than making hurtful  comments.
I never chose to live life like this;
life sadly has chose for me to be this way
I'm making the best of a bad situation
and turning into some positive
by trying my hardest to learn my skills in life
and be the best mum I can be to Sophie.
I made mistakes and trusted the wrong people
we all done things that we regret
and now just trying to fix the broken pieces
and do the best I can with everything
and all I can say is at very least
I'm trying really hard and getting better each day.

I wish I was more adequate in life
not so incompetent at daily tasks.
I find my memory in my brain lets me down
and makes everyone around me wear a frown.

I try so much even to the point where it wears me out.
I can't sleep for long anymore.
I yearn for the day where I can go outside
enjoy the sunshine again without feeling sick
just a basic human right
be able to go out walking with my family.
I really love nature
feel more at peace when I'm outside.  

I struggle to read information and books
so I cant ever really appreciate them as much.
They use to be my main escapism;
I loved reading books when I was younger
I could read well then but things just got a lot harder
the older I got reading things ended up being a chore.
very tiring for me as I couldn't focus for long with my eyes.

I need peace and quiet to be able to absorb what's going on
so I can take in what's being said to me
and picture the story in my head.  
It's hard to do this when everything is noisy
and all of a sudden my eye vision becomes more blurry
that I have to reread each sentence again
to fully understand it all.  
I give up on reading books years a go;
it was just too difficult to do.  
I still have a good vocabulary
and I can still write my thoughts down
and do my writing while I can still do that
my illness has not in fact won me.

I will get to that point where I can enjoy my reading again
and escape in my books when life gets really tough.
I don't really find much pleasure in watching TV
its boring to me
I love listening to music more  
there are some good films or documentaries which I love to watch
from time to time.

I always had an active interest in poetry, dancing, singing and cooking programmes also anything to do with Science, Crime documentaries and phycology too.
The human mind always fascinates me
I love learning about why people behave in a certain way;
I do try to understand other peoples motivations and background to have a greater empathy and learn how to best help them.

I have even helped out my worst enemy before
as I'm a good problem solver, creative and
look at things in a different way to the norm.  
Sadly I am not always the greatest listener
down to my tinnitus which affects my hearing
I'm really not stupid as I look
and can still communicate to other people fairly well.

I find I do bottle up a lot of emotions
which isn't good for my health
and creates negative energy
which affects me and my family;
so I've got to learn to express myself better
and not let my temper get the better of me.
I am in fact a nice lady but I do admit
that I have some anger and paranoia issues
sometimes which I need to learn to deal with
so I can progress and get on better with my life.

It's still all a work progress in my Life as my writing
and singing is which I'm trying to get right.  
I can then be the best mummy I can be to Sophie.
I keep trying with everything and that's the main thing.
I just can't wait to start my treatment
really start living and enjoying life the way it should be
have more time with my family
enjoy the great outdoors also keep pursuing
and working ******* my creative hobbies
my passions for writing, singing and coloring
which I will get even better at once I worked on my hearing
and eye sight issues are sorted out they were always holding
me back at school and in the work place but this year is the year for me to be the best I can be.

Cant wait for the summer finally
going to the beach again.
I love the sand and calm crisp
ocean air its such a bliss.
Cant wait to play with my
daughter and act like a kid again
show her how its really done
when we have our summer fun
just got to wait for my treatment
then I can really enjoy the lovely sun.
The sun rays heal my spirit and
my bones and joints also make me
happy and full of energy.
I always been an outdoor lady
not used to being trapped in
dark rooms and in my home.  
I love nature and being
around animals
the beach calls to me and
is my most favourite place
in the world and where
I feel most at peace.  
I love the warm sunny air
and yummy ice creams
but I can not eat them
down to them being too cold
and it hurts my brain but I
can still appreciate everything
else around me and will
do just that hopefully in June
when the fun can begin for me
just hoping the specialists
can help me and end this torture
so I can finally be free
and happy I intend to enjoy
every moment I've got with
Sophie and my family
you only got one life
so you need to have fun
and be happy.

Really wish I could enjoy                                                                    
a lovely sunny day again.                                                                  
It  often hurts and burns my eyes,                                                  
last summer it was so painful                                                              
   hid behind my sunglasses                                                              
   and rarely went outside.                                                                      
   became a bit reclusive                                                            
stayed in my flat a lot of the time                                                      
  I always found it difficult to  socialize                                          
  and get tired in the day                                          
taking naps in the afternoon
when I could at the time;
I have prescription light sensitive                                              
shades now and they work much better                                      
can absorb some of the sun's rays
without hurting me too much                                                        
and be able to maintain
my sleep cycle better at night                          
I still get some disturbances  in the night  
and I have to hide in a darker room at times
in the day to rest my sensitive, sleepy eyes and
recharge my batteries so I don't get too tired                                    
  it can be difficult to focus when your eyes are
  constantly burning                                
normal sounds are even magnified  too              
I have to wear headphones to help me navigate  
when travelling in the busy streets                                                  
as noises are super loud                                                                  
   my sleeping patterns have always been so erratic at night
    would often feel really hyper at half 3 am  
    must be down to all those late night drinking sessions
    and parties in my youth.
I'm also very creative minded and my mind won't shut up
it prefers to wake me up at night.
I always wondered why I always preferred the dark over the light
as it was always calmer and quieter and I can think much better.
Its almost if I have became a bat lady over the years
down to these random patterns in my life.  
I always had a fascination with vampires and gothic stories
so things do make sense to me
just wish I didn't have to live this way all the time
can't wait for my light sensitive treatment to be given to me
so I can be more tolerate to the sun and day light regain my
eye sight and hearing enjoy my outings and times with my friends and family without any horrible pain and dizzy spells
be a lady of the day instead a lady of night again.  
I'm a summer baby too being born in  the month of July
I absolutely adore the sun and want to go to the beach
and feel that calm, crisp air and make sandcastles with my little girl
maybe this year it will be the year to do all this
and break the horrible spell of photophobia
so I can be feel more normal again
and not be a bat lady of the night.

I feel my ADHD was a mental defect from birth
but was triggered down to never settling
or staying in one place and never fitting in Life.
I hate moving house.
I crave things to stay the same for a very long while.
As a kid I moved to a lot of different places
and never really could ever see it as my home
where I truly belong.        
                                      
I feel ADHD is a mental defect
where you don't really feel you ever fit in.
Even with the way I looked
I didn't feel or look right to other girls
I felt like an alien compared to them in my class.  
I felt inferior to them
with low self confidence in my body image.

I never even fit in when it came to the work place
and chasing my career path.
I got taught many courses and skills
I did quite well and always tried my hardest  
I was never really was what they were looking for in an interview
I never got any progression to any of the next stages
I felt always rejected!
I was covering the same ground
when really I just wanted to move forward
and follow my dreams.    
      
Relationships were even more confusing and awkward for me
when I thought I was the guy main priority
and I was just second or third on a list  
I hate that feeling!
I don't like being treated as second and third best
as I won't settle for anything less.     
                                               
All these confusions along with suffering trauma
and alcohol abuse bound to take its toll on me
even now I'm living with confusion
I'm working with a lot of people to give Sophie Rose a good life having to deal with lots of different personalities and names of people which can be difficult to remember.

I like the idea of support but don't like too many people involved in mine and Sophie life down to Sophie mental health
as one day this will create more questions for her
and make her grow up confused and unstable.
I want her to have a normal life mine and my partners life it might be just a bit too late for us both
but she's young and she's a clean slate and got her life ahead of her.

However I will be able to help her as I been through
rough patches in life so will be best to guide her
and make sure she makes the right decisions
so she can be a success and not a life loser which I was heading towards at one point. I'm redeeming myself for all those bad choices I made in my early 20s by being the best mummy I can be and being a good person I can be to support my friends, partner and family.

People working with me keep mentioning about moving house and it will be a while before this happens as I feel the area I live in is great and be good for Sophie to feel she has got a home that she feels she fits in and a family that loves her dearly and wants the best for her.

I never really always got that feeling myself when growing up
I really do want the best for my daughter.
That way she will grow up stable, happy and full of life then I know I'm not a failure and tried my absolute best to change and better my life to help her life and be the best mother regardless of all the bad things that have happened to me and my partner there is always something to be blessed for.

I feel lucky to have finally met the right man, have a beautiful daughter and have a great support network and family which have been keeping me strong through all this.

Wish people would learn to listen and take me more seriously
my brain feels I'm constantly walking on a tightrope;
climbing a ladder high up and this is just when dealing
with the normal errands of the day
that people take for granted.
Anxious thoughts often keep me awake
noises in the night from my daughter and
noises can easily disturb
my sleep cycle makes it so difficult for me
to fall asleep again wish the noises and thoughts                      

would just be quiet and all shut up at least                                          
at night that way I can get a decent kip                                        
and I feel good for once
I do wish I wasn't experiencing
any physical pains in my eyes
it wakes me up most nights too
the pain constantly feel like being punched in the face                  
and my brain feels drained and numb at times
it drives me nuts when the eyes feel so sore,
and fill up with water
this happens most afternoons
when the day light is at its brightest
if you see this happen to me then
no I'm not in fact crying
just that my eyes are in fact burning
down to being sensitive to bright light
the ADHD medication makes
me feel a little less sensitive
I often have to rest my eyes
ever so often in a darker room
through out the day otherwise
I get blurry vision and the constant pains
rear their ugly head
it can be agony and make me feel tired.
I often catch up on my rest
when I am able to                                                               ­             
its never a decent deep sleep cycle
I haven't slept like that in over 10 years
and forgotten what it felt like
getting a little better it
it will take time and I will recover.
Being told that "it is all in my head" even
by the very people who should really know me better  
really upsets me more
its like people don't believe what I am saying
and dismiss what I am going through
they don't see me every day
and don't see or experience the suffering
so its easier to dismiss and identify
as not being real.  
Its got to be something imaginary
or its "all in my head"  
This is in fact very real to me
it affects my daily life every day
even just to go outside walking in the park
in the sunshine with my daughter is difficult
I still do this walk half hour a day but I
miss those times where I can see properly
and wasn't in so much pain
its an invisible illness
it affects the nerve connections
in my eyes, ears, nose and face
other people can't see or experience
the pain for themselves
so often dismiss everything.  
I don't give up so easy
trying my hardest to get the                                                              ­
right support I need in place
so I can be the best mummy                                                            ­  
I can be and enjoy my life                                                             ­       
I have to learn to deal with
all this the best I can    
I put a smile on my face                                                             ­   
and get on with life
please learn to take
what I'm saying                                            
more seriously though
and know that
Its not "all just in my head"                                                    
just because you are not experiencing                                              
it or are seeing the struggles for yourself                                
doesn't mean the pain                                                             ­               
  I'm going through every day  
   is not in fact real;                                                                  ­           
and you should never                                                            ­            
make me feel that way;                                                             ­       
all that does is                                                               ­           
makes me feel so sad and alone.

All my prayers were answered
when my doctor finally wrote the
letter to the neurology team
this week after being rejected by them twice
in one year my persistence to get myself
feeling better is finally paying off
the optcians, pharmacy and adhd team
have all been equally amazing and have all
supported me as well as my family,
daughter and partner too through
these tough times.  
My pineal cyst symptoms
have been more extreme
in the last 9 months to the point
where I get migraines
most days, really sensitive
to lights in the room or outside
which can make my eye lids
spasm and my eyes will even burn a bit
even wearing light sensitive glasses
if sunlight enters them too which
is an horrible experience.  
I wear light sensitive glasses
to deal with these unpleasant
feelings; hoping to get some pain relief medication which will help treat the face, brain and eye pain's as this really really hell
I'm much more sensitive to smells
and even normal sounds can be more maginified
and intense which can overwhelms me
and trigger tremors or shaky hands
I often have to wear headphones just to alleviate the pain's
I get from the noise levels around me
and the constant tinnitus I experience in my ears a lot of the time.
I always hear a random humming and buzzing sound
it follows me around and don't always
hear too well when people are speaking
to me hoping to get an earing aid which will
help with this issue once I worked it all out
with the specialist team.

I also can not stand hot / cold weather
and my face and eyes will ache,  get brain
fog and feel a lot of pain through out the day;
I keep going with everything though and have
a very positive attitude through it all;
it won't beat me but I do experience some
good / bad days it makes my brain
feel constantly numb and just tired
from fragmented sleep which
I'm really hoping to sort
this all out  
its best to stay positive
and keep trying just hoping I don't have
to wait too much longer for my treatment.

I really don't want it to get any worst
as it makes my life much more difficult;
I know there isn't a cure
I want to do the best I can
for my little girl,
and get myself feeling better again
my prayers have finally been answered
and I'm happy there is some hope
and reason to smile  just hope I
don't have to wait for too long.

After researching about the pineal cyst
in my brain. I have finally have answers
to the identity crisis I was experiencing
over the last 15 years.

The pineal cyst was in fact responsible
for my gender confusion
same as the depo injection which caused me more
my issues to worsen and it was all
simply through hormone changes;

It would often increase  Testosterone and this
created minor physical changes which made  
more hair grow than usual on my legs
and sometimes the hair would even grow
on my chin my mum would have to
pluck them with tweezers as a teenager
I would often feel awkward and
embarrassed of my appearance.

It would also cause mental changes
in the brain and would alter the way I would behave
and led me into participating in more
masculine interests and activities
it would make me more more aggressive  
and made my fiery tempers worst.

The hormone changes were so very quick
in the brain causing the confusion,
it even distorted the way I perceived my body image
and would always make me feel like an alien
that never felt comfortable in its own skin.
I never really felt I fit into any category;  
there was times where I would talk, behave and dress
very feminine and then there were times
where I looked in the mirror
and the pretty dress I wore a day a go
didn't look or feel right
I would often have a change in clothing
a few days later nd wear more jeans and band t-shirts.
I even wore male clothing in town
so I could blend in and feel more safe
not be targeted sexually by men
who would often make funny and rude gestures
which made my skin crawl.  

I fell in love more with wearing an more uniform / neutral
style of clothing like suits and trousers;
I did secretly like wearing my school uniform
as a teenager it would often make me feel more comfortable
I didn't ever feel male or female in puberty
just saw myself as Kim and sometimes
would even address myself more in a more third person
rather than an he or she the older I got
as I was often confused in the direction
I was taking and didn't know
what gender I really was I have learned
over the years to accept this is me
and it will never change.    

I didn't think it would be even
possible in my life time to ever have a child
with my bad lifestyle and hormone problems
I was so happy when it did happen
and for a very good reason
it helped me to sort my life out for the better.

Being called mummy however felt alien
at first I have now fully
accepted this name and role for me
in Life and it no longer feels strange.  
I will tell Sophie as she grows older when she's a teenager what I have been dealing with over the years
its best to be honest with your kids
and have no secrets.
I have always been honest with my other half
from the start of our relationship
and I want Sophie to grow up
being more open minded
and have some awareness
of gender and body image
she can then appreciate and find her own
identity in Life too.

I will always be there for her
regardless of her choices I will teach her
to think carefully first before making
any important Life decisions that
you can never change again

At one point it felt weird being called
a man or woman;
I don't mind now being called by any of these pronouns
I will respond to being called either of them;  
my main preference however would be
for people to simply if in doubt call me
by my first name Kim or Kimmy.

My way to deal with my identity
issues or (dual identity) as I call it
is not in fact to ever reject
or ignore these feelings;
this causes more depression
and alienation in the brain
to get the right moral
support in place.  

Talking therapy really helps break the
identity barriers down so I don't feel alone
and to simply take notice of these feelings
and dress more how I'm feeling  for the day
sometimes it might just enough
to satisfy these feelings / hormone changes;

One day I will feel comfortable with my identity  
for now that's the way I will overcome this issue. ​
this might make me quirky and strange
to other people but I am just being me.

Over the years I would take pictures
of myself on facebook but rarely with a smile,
not even to look for attention and any love from anyone
the reality was I have always hated how I looked,
obsessing over my weight
thinking if I looked skinnier
I would look great.
A  few times in my life I had to deal with
this inner battle head on
and it did win me a few times
I at certain points in my life
rejected eating and enjoying my food;
all the fat comments were  
so vile and rude;
shouting your a fat loser.  
I had a period a year go of self defeat;
the minor eating issue was hard to beat.  
I would get triggered by it  
if anyone mentioned anything relating to my weight;  
the echo's of the rude peoples voices
would stand out in my mind
keep repeating the rude comments
your a fat loser;  
Even when people in my family
were saying I looked fine
and were more concerned about me.  
I now say to family or friends
please do not keep mentioning
about my weight and just talk
about another topic there are
lots out there talking about my weight
only magnifies the obsession
and on the very issues I was constantly
trying to fight inside.
I have now accepted them and dealt
with the inner pain
and battle in my own head;
to accept and love my body image more,
learn to be happier and eat more again
love myself ignore the horrible
cruel comments that have always
stood out in my mind.  
The comments and thoughts
are always going to be there
but I shouldn't care so much about them
and not let them control my life anymore.
The rude people in the street
might have won the battle
with me for a short while
but they haven't won the war.  
I chose now to eat and be more healthy
and love myself again
and that is the final score.

It has been a whole decade since 2012
the year that I will always remember;
not for the mad claims that the world would end,
for me it near enough did well in my head
and rather fill me with dread and fear,  
I stopped sleeping so well at night,
I would get horrible frights.
This was the year things went wrong;
I was so young at the time only 21 and I had just suffered ****** abuse for the first time; I was in denial, angry and confused for such a long time;
I started being a heavy alcohol drinker,
to help me to forget the horror and sleep at night;
it never really helped and the dreams
were too vivid and real to erase.  
I was running away from my problems,
at the same time felt trapped and no where else to go.
I almost failed my degree that year I was given
another chance to redeem myself
and graduated with a decent 2.2 in 2013
the damage had already begun.

However other than graduating Uni there
was some positivity in 2012.  
I met some great creative people who really opened my heart
to new experiences started doing poetry open mic
I met my now soul mate for the first time
we didn't connect romantically to begin with
we did both exchanged smiles
and have now been together for 4 years
with a 3 year old child;
we didn't connect for a good while after 2012:
we did find each other again  on social media
and the love from there has really grown:
before this could all happen
someone else came into my life first,
the guy was a troubled soul and we weren't
the best for each other pushing each other
often on the wrong path
we were better as good friends
and that's what me and him should have been
we were always having a laugh;
he loved to play drums,
I love to write but I loved listening to music too
I wanted his band to do well and play gigs
taking an active interest and filming their band practices.  
Things got in the way and took an u turn for the worst
and didn't go always go as planned,
with not knowing what to do next  
he just took the destructive path
same as me as I didn't know where I was
going with my life  anymore too.

I was struggling to find a job;
no one would give me that chance;
in an job interview I was socially awkward
and different to a lot of other people;
I was confused where I
would fit in the workplace.
I had some identity and trauma issues
which had clouded my judgement
and were affecting my logical thinking
at the time; now in the last 10 years
my thinking has been much more clear
down to quitting alcohol, finding my soul mate
and being a mum to Sophie and I'm now on the ADHD meds
which I wished I had been on sooner as they really
help to improve my life every day for the better
things have equally been a lot harder.  

I have finally sorted out my ****** trauma
and no longer running away in denial
instead confronted the man that did it to me
and removed him out of my life forever
the bad memories no longer controls my life.
I can now sleep a bit better at night.  
Sleep is something I am having to work on
but I am getting a bit better at it every day  

I worked out some of my identity issues in my head too
and accepting as difficult as things can be
that things are what they are  but I have
the moral support I need.

I have no idea of any career path yet,
just working towards my life calling and goal of
being the best mummy I can be and
learning my life skills, budgeting, cooking poetry, coloring  
and singing for the time being.

I'm sure there would be work out there foe me  
with the right support and encouragement in place
when I can finally figure it all out in my head
for now I'm really happy the way things are.


I've given up alcohol, sugary drinks and coffee  
and now eating and drinking more healthily too.  
Dispite having health issues over the last 2 years,
with my cyst and having to go
for a op for pre cancer treatment.  
I told everyone it was never anyone's fault
even those partially that felt guilty and responsible
a lot of these were just my bad choices in life.  
I have to accept some responsibility
and live with some of the consequences.

I can say now I am recovering and will get better again
the main thing is I can tell everyone that
I'm a survivor and doing the best I can.

I still have lots of passion in me
I can tell my tale and want to help people
that have gone through this kind of hell.

I  am me and now free from
the curse which was 2012.

The pandemic striked fear into my heart;
it hit me hard from the very start.
The prime minister announcing different
rules nearly every day;
near enough everyone has a different say
divisions caused all down to this,
who is right? and who is wrong?
and how long exactly will this go on?
The pandemic turned me into an anxious wreak
hearing about the rule changes
and constant death.
Not knowing when I will be able see my favourite people again;
and staying inside my flat a lot of the time;
as most places were closed.
After having a year of this being mostly the same
then everything had changed again
death figures decreased
we could all meet up which was really great
I did however found it difficult to socialize
and take it all in what I had been experiencing.
Little by little I am getting better
not so anxious, fearful and paranoid
more my outgoing and sociable
self wanting to see people again
it will just take a little time to break
the spell or that barrier down as I recover through
what was to be the pandemic paranoia.

Bullies are weak;
they pick on the quiet,
eccentric and meek:
There are many forms of bullying out there:
they all hurt equally,
it can be verbal, ******, jealously, discrimination,
and physical aggression.
All forms are unjust and unfair,
usually picking on people that look
and behave in a strange way;
just to make them feel stronger
or happier in some way.
The best way to deal with bullying
is to ignore what they say
and generally walk away.
I hate people calling me names;
I have never been cruel or caused
anyone pain or at least never intentionally;
I hate people dissing me for wearing support aids
all I'm trying to do is live life the best I can;
what gives other people the right
to stare me out, laugh and be horrible to me;
I really can't stand people dissing my weight
I had issues with my body before
so don't get the point for people to diss and slate
when I'm just having a walk outside with my daughter
enjoying a meal out with my family and not causing any harm.
Bullying is so weak but it hurts;
there is nothing I can do;
I am me and I do feel proud to be me.
I did shut down a few times;
I felt threatened and intimidated
a few times to the point I didn't want to out anywhere;
by doing that though I let the bullies win:
not listening to all the negativity anymore,
still dealing with paranoia and anxiety every day
in my head but getting stronger in every way
and will get there in the end.

I know that my eye sight
affects my ability to read and write.
I can't stand the sunlight / lights being on them;
it makes me feel poorly and bad
you know what this
will not make me feel sad.
The eye spasm's are a huge pain;
things haven't been the same.
The eye pains wake me up and disturb my sleep
but it does not make me weep.
I refuse to let it get me down;
and life will get better and good again;
just by learning to do things I enjoy
singing, coloring and getting
out my notepad and pen.  
Writing puts my life to right;
its about learning to adapt to
problems in life and learn to fight.
I was so happy to get my new light sensitive glasses
from the optcians this doesn't
fix my eye sight but protects it
makes it easier to read, write and edit,
it will be another year before
I can go into performing.
will take a while but worth the wait
as I got hearing problems
to sort out too then I can follow
people's conversations, appreciate songs and
not feel so lost in my Life.  
I still got a good brain left;
excellent family support, a lovely daughter
and other half too.  
Even when things around me seem a little worst;
I tell myself just be patient, this is your year.  
its worth the wait never give on your dreams;
no matter how difficult life seems.
Try your hardest every day
and you always find your way.

Being the strong woman is being able to stand up
what you know is right
not being the constant  victim of abuse;
walking away from nasty threats,
being able to wear what you want without feeling victimised
in any way I did occasionally loved to wear dresses
but I didn't want the invitation  or excuse for random men
to use this against me so I wore male clothing in town to blend in.  
To be able to remove people that cause nothing but stress;  
saying NO if you don't want to be approached in any way inappropriate; which some cases I never wanted in the first place:
not being able to be communicate or in some cases just being scared to fight as you don't want to go through all the trouble of being in court.  Being autistic I have always found it all too confusing
I don't get all these hidden social cues;  
when I say lets go for a coffee and a chat
I mean just a coffee and chat as a friend
its not in any way a hidden meaning for you to initiate ***.  

Finally as a 31 year old autistic woman I am starting finding my feet:
saying goodbye to all the nasty men in my life who
used and took advantage of me,
its sometimes for the best walk away from the abuse
just to move forward  
be the strong woman you know who you are
the main thing is never to blame yourself
never get resentful or upset
life is about learning from your mistakes
and never do them again.

I  really want to be able to enjoy listening to my music;
most of the time all I hear is just loud static
noisy background sounds which
keep getting in the way;
its no fun when the music you listening to
is interrupted by pointless sounds outside
or the flat above me.
I often can not see good either;
I try really hard to focus my sight;
my eyes are often disrupted by
the bright lights surrounding it
which makes my eyes quite sore.
I often wear sunglasses to alleviate this problem,
I really can't wait for the day
where I won't need them anymore.
I will be able to see the beauty of nature
and appreciate the sunshine.  
These are things people often
take for granted
but are things I adore.    
I really want to be able to hear
the lovely voices of my friends
be able to finally keep up
have a laugh and a decent conversation.  
I can only hear fragments of what they are saying;
but I do my best to understand,
and believe me when I say this
I'm really not that dumb as I appear  
with ADHD my mind is
racing at a million miles a hour;
I'm in charge of maintaining its engine;
and I have to keep up with this every day,  
slowing it down so I can steer it on course
and not keep crashing.  
I do wish I could turn off this engine
for a minute and stay still in the moment.
Learn to be calm in stressful situations
and well just relax
direct my energy and
thoughts in some order;
have full belief in myself
that I can do well and be good at things.
its not fully achievable just yet
It'll take a lot of time and practice
as long as I have to passion to keep learning  
with the right level of medication  
maybe one day this will be reality
and not just a dream in my head.

When I got the bad news a month a go
that there was a chance I could have gotten
Cancer if I had left it any longer.
The nurse had given me a smear test
I had no clue:
I just knew I didn't feel that well
at the end of last year
start of this one.
They told me I have some
precancerous cells and now
I'm my first treatment this week is due.
If I hadn't gone for that smear test
I wouldn't have known and it could have gotten
worst for me that was a huge  shock to my system!


Its been a whirlwind of a month
since my first examination results
only last year I was diagnosed
with a brain cyst
thought I got through
the worst of that
sadly deep down I just knew
something was still very wrong with my health;
I kept pursuing the doctors and investigated it over the year
and only now we're finding out I am needing
my first treatment this week:
its very early stages ****** cancer
but you never think
this is going to happen to you.


I just froze inside when I read the letter
I didn't know how to think or feel.
Life has always been a tough ride for me:
I realize all the pain I went through
now I am learning to love me more
and I am staying true to myself.
I realize I just lost my passion
over the years;  getting over constant
heart ache, mental abuse and feeling the pain
and sadness inside my head
as I found it difficult to show
my emotions on the outside.


Drinking ***** just to numb
and make me forget all the bad
you know what I never really did:
it always lingered and stayed with me.
Facing negative remarks, trauma and alcoholism.
I met some lovely souls along the way
but some horrible ones too. I constantly
was held back of what I wanted to do
had nasty people saying
you will never amount to anything
or you can't do that.


Taking advantage of my kindness and leaving me high and dry
you know what I am really better than this;
I am not even angry or sad anymore at the bad people
just want to settle the scores straight.
I made some bad mistakes in the past.
I'm already suffering for this now
paying the price with the pain
I am feeling
hopefully this won't last.


I feel scared inside but I am no coward
I am a fighter all the way and a survivor too
I know I will recover from this ordeal
and come out stronger and better than ever.
I have still a lot of fight in me
and a lot to learn and discover
and chasing my dreams
no longer letting people
push into the gutter as I did before.


I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter
and feel this is my main purpose in Life
to be the best mummy I can be to her
and not let her down.
I want her to do well;
avoid all the things that
sadly got in my way in Life.
If I was just a bit stronger
said no and stood up for myself more
I would have pulled through;
I have a new calling now in Life.
I just want to see my daughter grow up
make sure she finds someone that genuinely
wants to be there for her and cares and loves her
the same way her daddy feels for me.


I hope to see her grown up
and for her to have kids too.
I am very blessed to have
such lovely family, partner, daughter
and know amazing health care professional people
working on my side with a bit of treatment
will help me to recover
give me hope and strength
to do the best I can to be there
and always protect
my little gem of an daughter,
who was born in the time of the angels 11.11.
She was sent from the Heaven's to guide me
and be the best I can through my Life.


I am also very fortunate of course
to have a loving partner by my side
who stood by me from the start of our daughter's Life.
He makes me laugh
I have learnt a lot from him
we learn new things about each other all the time.


In this ordeal I will not give up
the fight and keep
trying my best
and for all those dear spirits I have lost
in the last few years will keep on smiling.

Sue was reading a raunchy magazine in bed; ted was cuddling up to her and watching telly
sue: "have you ever thought about trying some role play"
Ted: " what kind?"
Sue: "not the anime kind if that's what your thinking how about we just swap clothes - I wear what you wear and I'll be ted for the whole day and you wear what I'm wearing and be sue"
Ted: "Yeah we could try that sure sounds fun"
Sue: "brilliant I will leave you one of my dresses, some make up  and we will swap clothes for the whole day.

Sure enough the next day Sue left a note before she went to work on Ted's bed with a box. It had some of her lipstick, some eye shadow also a lovely floral dress for Ted to try while she was at work. It was a perfect size 14 fit; Ted prepared his make up the way sue usually did every morning and was surprised by the very person who was staring at him in the he mirror his once chiselled masculine features were now more delicate and feminine He shaved his beard off and even went as far as shaving his legs as instructed by her. He felt more excited as the day went on his **** growing in size he smelt sue's ******* they were fresh but there was a whiff of sue still in them when he put them over his **** he started to rub his **** up and down over her ******* then put on her fish net tights and finally her high heel shoes.

He secretly had fantasies of doing this  as a teenager but he often too scared of getting caught out by his mum. He got as far as trying on her make up wearing her perfume and trying on her tights and when she asked if he had seen them he said came up with an excuse they were lost in the washing machine.

Sue came back from work wearing Ted's shirt, his boxer briefs and trousers smelling of his lynx body spray. She even went as far as buying
a beard to reenact the role play of being Ted for the day it was very convincing and she looked how he looked there in another suitcase also stood a huge plastic ***** shaped perfectly as a ****

"Ted  " you know where that is going don't you"
"Sue "Yes I can't wait"

The transformations were complete Sue now as Ted started to caress sue kissing her neck and licking her ear lobes she gave out a shriek of delight speaking more in her most feminine voice. Ted then went down on her ******* her **** she felt hard as rock she could feel his breath warm and moist in full ******* motion; in this form Ted's short arms felt they grew longer and were more sturdy started to rub her **** up and down she gave out a squeal and *** more than what she usually did.  
Finally ted soaked sue's ******* in baby oil: give it a little cheeky lick before equipping his ***** **** into sue's ****. Sue held her breath for a few seconds as he pushed it in with some good throbbing movements she gave out a huge yelp and could then feel the ecstasy of *** spilling out
"Ted - wasn't that fun know you can go back to the way you was any time"
"Sue - Yeah I did enjoy it too will definitely do it again.

Sarah woke up in a dark room with dim lit windows; the room was small and very humid. Her arms  handcuffed to the radiator showing her visible white naked body she was soaked in some kind of baby oil but she could not see him all she could hear  of him was his whispers of his voice; saying I love you.

She could feel her ear lobes gently being licked and caressed  leaving her skin tingling and body shaking in anticipation he tightly stretch his arms around her thighs kissing and caressing them; she can already feel herself getting more wet not knowing his next move. He finally traces up her black ******* with his fingers playing with her ***** and exploring into her mystical dark tunnel and finding the spot which made her legs tremble as he does this he starts to roll his tongue inside her ***** licking her **** she was trying to hold back from squealing from the delight she could  feel herself heating up and more sweaty finally he hit that spot again and her  ***** squirt.

I remember the age of 6
it was the second year at school;
the teacher was scary, red face
and really threatening
I was behind with life and social
skills being the slow learner I was
not being able to communicate
fully and being shy and timid
now with the knowledge of being
diagnosed with dyspraxia and autism
but back then my teacher didn't know about
these diagnosis she just referred to me as being
dumb, slow and stupid
it was PE everyone was ready except for me
the teacher couldn't understand
why I was taking so long
struggling to put my clothes on;
everything was back to front
and I couldn’t tie my laces
instead of helping she got angry
lost her temper and showed me up in front of the class
all the kids started to laugh
I felt ashamed and humiliated
barely anyone would talk to me
as they thought I was stupid
and I started to feel alone and isolated
my parents couldn't understand
why I broke down in front
of them and that I didn't want to attend
school my parents felt she
pushing me hard to succeed
but in reality all she did was really scare me
my only friends really was soft toys
that I liked to create adventures
with and books which I loved to read
it was my escape
I love reading science text books
and absorbing scientific words
adored fiction
had a good grasp
of vocabulary
and knowledge
well above my station.

Years down the line met the teacher
I had when I was 6 she felt bad
for what she put through and apologised
and I did the nice thing and forgave her
I was surprised that she did remembered
me from all those years a go
maybe that day as traumatic
and humiliating as it might have been
was just another lesson
that in this world you
need to be tough
and keep trying
with what you have
no matter what.

First of all don't fit me into a box
the typical 2 gender category
I do have a female body
that doesn't mean I always behave or
act as a female does
can't stand the typical
black and white view and stereotypes
your a woman therefore
you must clean, cook and be in the kitchen
its life skills everyone needs to learn
regardless of their gender and identity
its not the 1960s any more
everyone is equal
also the fact that I enjoy ***
and have a female body
doesn't make me a ***** *** or a ****
check your definitions
before you start accusing me of this
*** and ***** pay for pleasure
I never charged anyone
just sharing my affection and love
for people and *** is a beautiful
and spiritual act so be honoured
rather than attacking me  
also don't call me woman or lady
but by all means you can call me
***, babe, chick or if in doubt just call
me by my first name Kim
I am neutral gendered
I understand both male
and female perspectives
love people regardless
of gender as I don't
fit into any of these categories
I enjoy both male and
female activities
but I often flit
between the 2
genders
therefore I am neutral
and will dress, behave
and act accordingly
to how I feel.

The feeling of inadequacy rears its ugly head
from time to time
why is everything in my brain feel so distorted
seeing in my mind always as a male;
then my body is the opposite;
the mismatch causing me
anxiety
the feeling of living a lie;
having to deny these
feelings for years
ignoring how I felt
in my teens
when my hormones
and feelings were just a bit
different in case
people called me a freak
I hated being judged
all I wanted was love
so kept everything quiet
too scared to tell any one
for years fearing
no one will ever love me any more
feeling rejected
as not many will truly
understand how I feel inside
so I repressed it so many times
which left me over the years
feeling more
hollow and empty
dysphoria is complicated;
wish it was easy
but I nothing ever is.

Over the years
I have new challenges to face
with raising a baby girl
learning to accept
I might not ever be my
authentic self but
want to teach her to
that things are not
always appear to be
and that you should
always try and help people
whenever you can
in the new year going to build my self esteem
maybe one day I learn to love myself
learn to speak out
get support where needed
when feeling down.

Dysphoria is hard to live with
at times but I'm learning
to accept and I'm moving forward
with my life.

He was more demanding than ever after a few meetings with me things start to get much darker with him he announced some of the fantasies he had in mind for me. Telling me how much he really wanted to tie me up, rip off my clothes and then the final word rolled out his tongue…  I've actually always wanted to **** you baby. My blood went stone cold when he used those exact words. I didn't know what to say to that.  I grabbed a bottle of cider and drank the bottle to drown what I just heard
“Remember  baby you are my *****; and you serve me”
He kept mentioning of the pictures in some of my in box messages to remind me what will happen if I disobey him.
To him this was just an unfair game which he knew every rule to and that I will lose either way; I ended up turning to alcohol just to blot out some of the darker memories, it worked for a short while the taste of cider masked the taste and helped me sometimes to sleep or forget but the horrible memories of the day in the park came back to me like a bad penny.  The park was somewhere I went a lot while travelling in town so I couldn't escape unless I went through a completely different direction. In the end something inside me cracked open; I stopped caring about his threats as things couldn't have gone any worst  than they already have and I started confronting him about all the bad things that have happened as my way of dealing with the 7 year punishment I just endured and didn't deserve now feel more at peace with myself and getting there day by day but taking time to heal finally found my soul mate and feel more free inside also have a beautiful  daughter sign of the angels and help the right decisions in life when it comes to finding your soul mate and  dating men.

The next time we met he arranged it for the park told me I must go otherwise he will show the pics;
I was a bit hesistant from the meeting before, but felt I had very little choice in the matter at the time. Ended up meeting him we walked around the park until we could find a quiet spot where he knew where we would not get bothered. He started again by taking my top off  again and ******* on my ******* I felt uncomfortable with the idea of doing anything outside in the public at first the cold wind was making my ******* *****. He slid his hands down my ***** and was playing with it quite rough and firm with his hands. Then told me to unzip his trousers and start rubbing his **** then asked me nicely
“can you **** my **** again please”
I tried to say no again
but this time he grabbed my hair and back of my head kept pushing my head forward towards his ****

“You will do it, otherwise you know what will happen”

After ******* his **** and making him *** he ordered to swallow and was getting more angry as I kept spitting it out, the gagging sensation was making me feel sick.

But just as I was about to leave as I had enough, he switched on his nicer personality and begged me to stay with him; he wanted to have **** *** with me this time but I didn't feel so comfortable with the idea. He grabbed his **** and pushed it into my ***. I felt a huge tinge of pain; I begged him to stop as it didn't feel right He kept going to the point where I started to cry from the pain; his *** was filling me up further he told me that I belong to him now and whatever he wants to do I must do as I was his servant and he was my master. He said from now on I was his ***** and kept on calling me it and If I protested with the idea of giving him what he wanted he quickly showed me the pic he had of me before and that only made me wince  even more.

One of my first encounters and one that I couldn't really forget  was with a average built man of his 30s he wore leather clothing, long hair and had an beard. He loved playing guitar which I also had an interest at the time too he offered to teach me how to play but it came at a price. He noticed that I was short of money for one of his lessons. He said that I must offer him a ******* to pay for the money that I  owe him. I was a little uneasy and told him no way at first but somehow convince me to stay for the remainder of the lesson  and started teaching me notes of the guitar then proceeded to slide his arms down my shirt playing around with my ******* then finally stripped off my top to show off my ***** to him. I felt unsettled and  dazed; like it was a magic trick he quickly grabbed out his camera and took pics of my pale white naked body
“I told him “erm what the heck are you doing”

“I'm just taking pics of your beautiful body – you have got lovely ****”

I felt uneasy but blushed a little bit when he said it

“Now will you please **** my ****”

“no why should I **** your **** I'll give you the money for guitar lessons next week”

“Now, now baby you see those pics on my phone if you don't do as your told I'll post the pics all over the internet and your family will see them too”

I bowed my head in shame; and got the job done he wanted it ******* kept trying to push his **** into it I could feel it spasm swallowing a huge amount of his *** followed by my gargling choking noises there was a huge smile of satisfaction on his face;

“I love it when you make those noises”

After the ******* I left his place; he told me he'll keep in touch and  will find me and let me know when he wanted to see me again.

The times you hear the words
I love you its the typical cliche
they slip out
sometimes casually
think carefully about the
real meaning behind
the words next time you use them
love is shown by actions
doing things for the ones
you care about and not only spoken.

Best advice I can give to being happy
is know your goals in life,
exercise a little bit each day,
do a bit of meditation for reflection
helping to connect to your inner self.
I enjoy a bit of writing and singing.
Talking to friends and family can help half the problem,
never binge or do anything to excess
and confront things when they get on top of you
never bottle yourself up
also consult your medical professionals if things get really tough they can sometimes guide you in the right direction.
The thing that helped me through in the end
was having a purpose which I have found
that with my baby girl
she makes me smile
and reminds me that
life is worth fighting for
regardless on how bad i feel.
I honestly had no direction before
kept hitting a dead end
when I was younger I was enthusiastic and hopeful
studying hard hoping I would achieve something in LIFE
find the job and partner of my dreams
but life after university hit me hard
I was unemployed for 6 years
which made me feel depressed and became
mentally unwell
the thought of feeling the failure
never having nothing to show
at the end of it sent
me down a dark spirall
My wounds are now finally healing
keep reminding myself i'm no
failure and a fighter
and now I'm feeling a bit more at peace
with my self.

One winter night I was out in another city
with a friend in streets of Nottingham.
We both had a impulsive night
drinking *****
we didn't realize the time,
we missed the train home.
There was no place to stay or go
everywhere was closed.
I was shivering and terrified
looks like we sleeping rough tonight
I felt nervous and sick to close my eyes
incase I got robbed
My friend gave me a huge hug
and told me it'll be alright
I've done this before
don't worry we will survive

My friend found an cardboard box
out the bin
it was big enough to
fit us both in
at least we got some shelter
to keep us warm a little bit

A random stranger caught us out
in the cold he felt sorry for me
shaking in the corner feeling
the frosty chill
What are you doing out here young lady?
your catch a cold and be ill
He wanted to call my parents
but stubborn me didn't want him to
as I didn't want them to worry
so instead he gave me warm coat
coffee, and a bar of chocolate
to set me up for the night.

Though I could not sleep
while I was on the street
the random kindness got me through
as soon as morning was due
we caught the train to Leicester.

I never forget what kind gesture
the random stranger did for me that night
but showed appreciation and thanks
by passing the kindness on
now I try and do the same for anyone
struggling on the streets
everyone deserves to have
shelter, a warm beverage and
food to eat.

I was their piece of art,
I tasted sweet as lemon ****,
sampled in the cake shop,
customers stared and stop,
paying out change out of their pockets,
cash and card from their wallets
to pay for my pleasure.
I give them that thrill,
dressed to ****.
I was their secret treasure
for we all don't live forever.

In life people roots split                     different directions.                                                         
which determine their future.                                              
They are the  tree roots that branch                                      
and grow out into the sky.

Life blooms only twice  

Spring is birth
                                                                ­        then Summer is fertility and love.
                                                      
Autumn is the fall of man.      
                                          
Winter is death.  
                                                              

Death plays games                                                          chose players at random.                                                    

Play the game of life and win,  

live and survive

or lose the game                                    

and lose everything.  

Some players cheat death games                                                         strike of deal                                                             ­   and gamble                                                          for  
fame                                                       
feed greed  

 which shortens
chances
of living
full
clean
life.

Sophie cries are on cue,
every three hours feed is due.
She loves my mood candle
turning from red, orange to blue
her smile lights up she
spots her reflection,
she sighs
a happy giggle,
she waves her hands
at the elephant
and the giraffe,
each day making her
her mummy laugh.
Being bold but not too loud,
making her voice stand out
she loves being tickled
on her feet and fighting
the toys in her play gym
already keeping in trim
I'm getting better as a mum;
working on my fitness
so I can run with
my little lady when
she's older and we can
go out and play.
I'm learning to flex,
my creative sights.
Reading and talking to her
singing funny nursery rhymes .

Sophie Rose my angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

I want her to smile and laugh
that's my mummy up there
flexing her hands to the mike.
I'm finally learning to get her clothes
and ***** on right,
making sure her feeds are on time.


Always found learning
practical tasks difficult
to master; its a challenge
every day to live
with dyspraxia.
I will get there in
my own special way.

When i've built my strength up;
I can take her out
in her pram for the day.
Enjoying the sunshine,
grand adventures in
the great outdoors,
exploring nature and woods.

Or we can explore how
chocolate is made.
Explore the gravity rush
adrenaline thrill
of theme park rides,
the possibilities
are endless and fun,
being a full time mum.

Sophie Rose my little angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

When she gets older;
I want to be seen as her
mother, a guide,
friend and teacher
in Life not here to
restrain and stop her
doing the things she loves
but there will be some
guidelines to keep
her safe; I want her to learn
and keep moving forward when
she makes mistakes
something I've always
found tough also  learn to clean
fend for herself when
Life gets rough.

Sophie Rose my angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

Never knew why I could not express my emotions;
could never show anger or excitement
unless I was really stimulated or wired.
I knew the emotions were running inside
as much as I really tried to project them
I just could not show them
people thought
I had something to hide
or just plain inconsiderate
if you knew me you would know
its the complete opposite
just not true about me
whether I sound unenthusiastic or visually somewhere
in a different state of mind:
I do care
and interested in what you are saying
there is something out there
trying to confuse the way I want to say things
or distracting me
wanted more than anything to show how I feel
to people so they couldn't accuse me of being false
or just a lifeless a robot;
i'ts frustrating
not everyone will always gets me
my tone of voice can fall flat
feel dead and lifeless
never changing my ****** expressions
its like having an constant botox
injection sealed to your mouth and eyes

Being autistic can be hard sometimes
not being able to control your
hand and body movements
it does this automatically for you.
Light and sound in a room
can really affect me too
everything is way too intense
sending me visually
out of focus, can't always
focus for long on other people
too without feeling nervous and uneasy  
I feel I'm not always in control
of what comes out my mouth
and feel like something is constantly
sabotaging my thoughts
everything is distorted jumbled and
sometimes comes out backwards
occasionally repeating
things I've said a hour a go.
I can't even always control my volume
of my voice its either too quiet
or becomes far too loud.

I kept thinking I really must be broken
Why can't I switch off
wish my brain would shut up
all I do is annoy
everyone in the room.

However I realise as frustrating living with autism
can be I'm not in fact completely broken
it does have its quirks
I found i'm very self absorbed
with time so always punctual.
Really creative and intelligent
especially with topics of my choice
I hyper focus I love to research
love to write and read
i'm a problem solver and try to
be logical look at things in another way
but never accuse me of having
no emotion as that is not true
can't always be the way
people expect me to be.

I'm a mother
sing in a choir.
Ex alcoholic and survivor.
Got diagnosed by my GP with bipolar, autism, dyspraxia
and adhd these labels don't in fact define me.
I graduated with a degree
in creative writing and english
Unemployed for 6 years but been jack of most trades
tried most kinds of work including retail,
cleaning and admin looking for work
has been tough going but proud to say
i'm a fighter and keep on trying
have completed an nhs course
volunteered working with the community
When sophie is older
I may even volunteer in my local library.
I am very logical, love routine, punctual
spiritual in my beliefs,
open minded think outside the box
write poems and short stories,
love playing sport
painting, photography
but my down side I
can be impulsive
and impatient need to
learn to take my time
with things.

Never be a people pleaser
observe before you
invite anyone new to your inner circle.

Friendship and love
shouldn't come with any price tag.

The day when I was a people pleaser
was the day I lost myself
and now I'm just a shadow,

It began when I was 11
I was aware of my body image
got abuse and name calling by other
kids at school; starved myself of food
to make myself look thin;
I figured people would like me more;
then I would finally fit in.
You see it in the magazines and telly
the negative remarks I got of
being fat made me do it.
I refused to eat breakfast or lunch
was pale white and felt like death.
Feeling faint and falling asleep in class:
falling over in the corridor on my ***
doctors said I was anaemic
all it did was make me ill and I felt worst.
It didn't change how people
saw me, I was always alone
and no one really had taken much notice.

The day where I was a people pleaser
it affected my physical and emotional health.
It was the day I lost myself
and now I'm just a shadow.

When 15 I had the right idea
I stopped caring about what people
thought about me
and focused on
what makes me happy
it didn't matter I had no friends.
To beat the loneliness I was busy.
I concentrated on studying
went into my creative writing
played sports loved
physical activity
didn't mingle with the other girls
but it didn't matter;
just enjoyed every minute of running
and playing through the muddy field.

I wish I stayed that girl I was at 15
she had the right idea.

In the last ten years I ended up losing my mind,
reality sunk in
felt like the lost child again
bullied again
for being different,
couldn't stand up for myself
and say NO
I ended up dealing with abuse
from people who I thought were my friends
having problems with dangerous addictions
as I couldn't cope with all the negative emotions.
I know I can't please everyone its impossible!
I wanted to try and be there for everyone
and support them but
in the end I was dead inside
like a lifeless battery
it drained me dry.  
I realize this is
not always a possibility.
My battle to say no to things
I almost ended up losing my life.

When I was a people pleaser
it almost cost me my life.
I lost my self and now I'm only a shadow.

It took time to assess the situation
when I woke up in hospital.
You must be able to look after yourself first
before you can help anyone else.
You can not take away anyone else's pain
or make them happy
they have to do it for themselves
but you can be there for them on the other end of the phone
or have a chat over coffee.

Friendship and love doesn't come with a price tag
the moral is don't people please
observe and be there
and keep your circle of friends small
or your lose your soul and be the shadow.

Cant bear to hear the voices;
dragging me down;
feeling the failure!
Voices mock me                                                               ­                    make me frown
nothing ever goes right:
want to keep on                                                               ­                     
with the fight,
be strong                                                           ­                                   
move on                            
with my life
there is something
that stops me when I
find happiness negativity                                                       ­             
cuts me like a fine knife  
anxiety makes me feel on edge;
paranoia makes me question
and sabotage everything
depression lowers me
to the point where I
feel lack of energy
or empathy any more
If anything I want                                                             ­                        to sleep in bed                                                              ­                           not feel this dread
I use to medicate
myself with beer
and pain relief
taking any medicines
I can get to feel no pain
To feel no shame                                                            ­                        
for the anxiety         
to go away
but it never went
only made me forget                                                           ­                   
the symptoms
the mania I get                                                              ­                          feel a hint of euphoria
but later irritated
over ****** and frustrated,
the world is moving too slow
Im obsessed and sometimes
delusional: the demons are smiling  
they've won the battle but not the war when they took over my mind; for a short while but since sophie was born
and my life almost thrown away
at the age 28 I decided to give life another go and work hard to live an cleaner life the best I can                                                              smile more even when I'm low be grateful                                        

I'm still alive and here
want to feel I have a bright future
now with a baby and boyfriend
that  loves and understands me
its hard sometimes

when you can feel the bad memories resurface,
negative vibes in my mind
hit me like a bullet or cut me like a knife
want to keep telling them not today
that I will not fall to their darkness and decay
that they can't beat me and that
I'm no longer a failure
but a fighter still here to tell her tale;
despite all the *******
and people grinding me down
over the years;
bringing me to tears
I tell myself each day that
I'm a fighter and I'm still here.

When sophie gets older;
I want to be seen as her
mother, a guide,
friend and teacher
in Life not here to
restrain and stop her
doing the things she loves
but there will be some
guidelines to keep
her safe; I want her to learn
and keep moving forward when
she makes mistakes
something I've always
found tough also  learn to clean
and cook her own meals
so she can be independent
and fend for herself when
Life gets rough;

Believe me when I say this i've seen them all;

I'm now more wary of the players
the ones that make themselves look good,
make out their the real deal;
boast about the size of their ****
and about the way they look
but rarely these men commit;
they prone to cheat and play
callously with your heart.  

I'm more weary now of the narcissistic charmers
their acid tongue and good looks
might just fool you
into believing they love you
and that you have a chance with them;
then if you don't give into
their demands they make
you look bad; they blackmail
and lie to crush you

I'm more weary of the stalkers,
the guys that won't let go determined
to follow your every move
smoother and make you feel uncomfortable always
wanting to be in full control  
and won't allow you to see family and friends
not without them being present there with you.

I'm now more weary of the time wasters;
the ones that are not sure about
whether they want to commit to you
or stay with you for long only when
it suits them.

when I go for a man as my king I like a man
I can have a good banter with;
a man who loves the whole of me;
not just parts my body; someone that makes me
laugh and checks on me every day
to see if I'm doing okay.

For Aimee's birthday the plan was to get her first tattoo. She was a blond hair lady with a wide bust, huge hips and big *****. Her ***** were one of her best assets she loved to see her body as her canvas her  piece of art; she got her  mind set on getting a rose and heart near her ***** and chest.

She went online booked an appointment in the nearest tattoo parlour to book her consultation to meet the tattoo artist who will be working on this project with her and this was where she met MR Pain.

MR Pain was an  average built man with some muscle tone on his legs and arms. He had tattoo's covering every flex of his body. He wasn't much of the talker in the first meeting more of a quiet and down to earth man. He asked

“ Okay what part of your body would you want the tattoo?”  

“She shyly said “my *****”

His eyes gleamed started to fixate on them as he chuckle

“ well that can be arranged”
I hope you have you brought a design or a piece of artwork with you so I can see a visual design of what you what to have done on your skin”

she took out the picture, he attentively looked at it for half hour and said

“heart and a rose…
this…
could take a few sessions…  
depends on how much detail you want in your design”

He randomly blurted out

“Mmm… I love your *****”.

“More to the point – serious question would you to be able to take on pain? think about it first.

I could show you want you be facing up to with an early demonstration just sign the contract it'll be my treat for your 18th birthday do you fancy hooking up for a drink at my place”

Aimee couldn't see much in the contract the print was tiny; she felt his warm gaze and grin darting around her as she tried to make out what it was saying. His eyes hypnotic and calculating

“Do we have a deal!”

Aimee smiled and nodded she signed her name and said
“can see no wrong in that” its only a drink”

Mr Pain with rasping voice replied

“Excellent!”

Aimee shyly said “should I bring anything with me?”

Mr Pain shrugged

“Nah, I got plenty of drink”
everything we need is here at my place,
don't worry bring yourself
will order a taxi my treat”.

As soon as Aimee got home she had  a bath in honey and milk bath oil. Her ***** were like two huge sunken peaches glazed out in the sun. She got out of her bath robe and placed a long black dress and heels with pink lipstick.  All ready for the evening, she entered the taxi the driver was glaring at her  through the mirror

“You look nice!
“where you going to?”
Aimee gave him the slit of paper with Mr Pain's home address:

the cab driver looked horrified
he silently started to mutter to himself

“that place”,
“another victim;
she’s the third woman this week  
I would be careful with MR Pain,
“I have heard many stories”

Aimee shrugged

“Are you sure?
Can't be the same man
I know ”

Taxi driver shook his head.

“For **** sake
another dippy girl,
what's the world coming to
this is why I hate my job”

He opened up the cab door. Aimee stepped out the taxi

“Thanks for the tip.
Have a good evening.
be careful hunny”  

III MR Pain's Headquarters

Mr pain was waiting outside in the garden.  Dressed head to toe black. His grin slightly twisted and eyes gleaming in the sunlight.  

“Good of you to make it.
Aimee looking beautiful,
make yourself  comfortable.
I will be back with you shortly
I'm with another client.

Aimee waited in the living room for mr pain she could hear random screams and sound of crashing whips from downstairs wailing sounds of another lady
crying out
“ yes master will do what you want”

Aimee was  shaken up by the noise but turned on by the intensity of it all. She laid on the sofa and circled around her ******* with her fingers while doing this she was unaware mr pain was watching her through the CCTV camera. His voice loud and commanding

“I take it your ready for the demonstration”

Aimee stopped what was she was doing
feeling startled by his voice and stammering

“Yes- I - am”  

“Excellent – it may surprise you,
put the blindfold on it is on the table
there will be someone that will
take you through to the main room”

Aimee was feeling anxious and shaken now there were so many things going through her mind

what was the demonstration about ?
Why was there whips and screams?
why was the taxi driver talking
about girls being victims  

“I feel tired mr pain
wish to go home”

“Nonsense you got here,
your not going anywhere
you'll love it”

The figure placed the blindfold over her eyes; led her through a dark tunnel. The room was a cold and damp there were two other girls  with blindfolds being chained and whipped to the wall. Their skin looked as if they had at least 2 lashings a day from the whip there were bite marks and bruises around their body pleasure apparently was substituted equally with the pain. Mr pain got his whip ready; Aimee could not believe what she was seeing around her.  

“Your a fraud, your no tattoo artist
your a *******
a dangerous man
I knew I should have listened
to the taxi driver”

Mr pain voice raspy but more commanding now

“Yes you should have your going no where until my little demonstration is complete
then you can go free ”

He took out the gag from his pocket and placed it on her mouth so she could not speak, grabbed out the  whip and gave her a lashing; followed by gnawing on her ******* and chest;

“You feel what pain is"

He laid her on the table restrained her arms and legs she can not move and fight his advances. He licked her *******; making his way to her ***** licking up and down then in circular movements while Aimee was moaning she started to ***; he then took out what looked to be a huge ***** from the cupboard; pushing it into her ***** her eyes rolled to the side she started to squirm, she didn't know whether to squeal or scream  as pleasure and pain were intensified and felt equal in measure. His **** grew in size with now a huge  hunger in his eyes he pushed his **** further into her making her legs weak and squeal he could feel her heat up and ****** all over the table: he then rolled her to the side and pushed his **** into her *** pushing it all the way in he could now hear her muffled squeals as he fill her up with his ***.

“Demonstration is over; your free to go: taxi will pick you up, its up to you if you return for more but if you say anything about this; I will find you and you'll be back here and will belong to me”  

Aimee quickly put her dress on her. Looking shaken and tired, bruises and marks on her sweat and *** on her too she went straight for the cab. The driver took pity on her and didn't charge her  for the ride.  It was all a distant black memory she didn't say a thing. it was all a blur, a dark secret she was worried about the other girls; did they escape in the end from the crutches of mr pain or did they chose to stay there with him: she was just happy to escape and be free.