they say not to make a home out of your grief
but how do you do that
when she has been the one who’s always there?

i try to pinpoint the very first time i met her-
was it when my best friend left and i refused to say goodbye, missing my chance to ever say it, and now i barely remember her name?
was it when i saw my mother repeatedly cry, behind the sunglasses, amidst large crowds, and all i hear is the shattering of hearts in her shaky words?
was it when i was left alone to take care of everyone else, to pick up the pieces, and to try to make it whole so that the ones after me has something to hold on to?

i also try to recall when she decided to stay-
was it when i was at my lowest and all i wanted was for him to hold me but instead he made me feel like i’m a burden he doesn’t want to carry anymore?
was it when i finally allowed myself to envision future only to have him drop me and realize during the free fall that i was never in his?
was it when the hope i saw blossom in everyone get stolen by a thief in the night followed by the helplessness of not being able to fight back?

and i do is cry
and cry
and cry

but not just for myself anymore.

that’s when grief is the loudest-
when i think about the could have beens
when i realize the impact beyond my bubble
when i start to feel the dark creeping in.

because lately she envelopes me in this unbearable sadness
and im terrified at thought of her comforting me…

because she does
she’s the only one holding me and puts me to sleep at night.

grief has been a constant reminder that i’m alive
and sometimes i find myself reaching for her
just so i can feel something, anything

so maybe grief isn’t my home
maybe she’s my favorite guest
and she can stay for as long as she wants to

siguro nga'y hindi ikaw
siguro hindi ngayon
baka balang araw
sa ibang pagkakataon

can we meet at our spot?
the place where you first kissed me,
the place where we danced in the parking lot

dont worry, i wont ask you to try again
or ask you to stay or hold me
like you did back then

i just want to properly say goodbye,
you don't have to say anything
just look at me straight in the eye

and i will finally say what i've wanted to say-
that i really wanted it to be you
in every possible way

but you're not it so
i'll give you one last hug, one last kiss
and maybe that's when i can truly let you go

i started seeing someone new.
we did the things we used to do-
went to dinner and kissed at the backseat too
and if im being honest, in the dark he almost felt like you.

and i know it's unfair for him and for me,
using each other so as not to feel lonely.
i guess we're settling for something temporary
for a future with anyone, that i really cannot see.

i think the main reason im writing today
is to make myself realize i cant stay this way.
i guess i haven't really let you go, that's all i can say
and i can't rely on someone else in order to feel okay.

i passed by our usual route
and went to our usual breakfast spot.
it's still the same
but somehow different.

probably because you aren't here.
but you still is,
at least the version of you
i was in love with.

i keep looking for him
even though i know he's not here anymore.
i guess i like breaking my own heart
for it reminds me i still have one.

i am truly trying
to let you go.
but at least for today,
can you let me mourn?

for the moments we had
for love we shared
for who you were
for who i was

today i realized im afraid
of unpaved roads- uncertainty
of crashing onto the rocks- pain
of waves dragging me away- losing control
of heights- falling

today my knees quivered at the thought
and i froze at the sight of them
i was unwilling to go on
i was tempted to go back
i almost stayed inside

today, however, i also i realized
that i can face them
with one breath at a time
with a guiding hand
with encouraging words

im not saying im not afraid anymore
but now im more afraid of not trying

Here's the thing,
I haven't written in so long.
I read my poems from years ago
and think if I could write something
out of the silly freshman year crush I had,
what more for this first real love and heartbreak.

Then I realized I couldn't.

There's nothing left to say other than we tried.

even though you're not in my life anymore
we really should have gotten tattoos together
to reminder who we used to be-
young, in love, happy.

not sure if i want
you back. maybe i just miss
who i used to be

maybe i dont want
a relationship, maybe
just intimacy

I still remember
the first time you held my hand
and how I forgot how to breathe.

I still remember
the first time you kissed me
and how that literally took my breath away.

I still remember
the first time you told me
I was the most beautiful woman in the room
and how I took your breath away.

I still remember
the our first big fight
and the difficulty of breathing in between sobs.

Now,
it's the first time we're truly apart
and I can't help but long for the days
where I'm breathing the same air as you.

All I do these days
when I'm not drowning myself in work,
away from you-
is remember all those firsts,
and my breathing pattern,
and how I felt truly alive.

It's 11:11
and for the first time
after a very long time
I'm wishing for myself
and not for you

If there's one thing I learned
in Physiology, it is that
one of the body's response
to pain is the Withdrawal Reflex
wherein the body moves
away from the source of the pain.

You know, when my professor
discussed that, I,
I immediately thought of you,
of us,

of how sudden you dissppeared in my life.

I always thought
I was the one with
the tendancy to leave
without a trace,

I was wrong.
You always prove me wrong.

I still have my gift for you
for the past two Christmas.
It's untouched.
It's still wrapped in your memories.
It's waiting for you.

I wish I could say the same
about myself,
but I would be lying.

This heart has fingerprints all over,
and they're not yours.
It has a new veil and it's the color
of the purest snow,
and though it's waiting,
it's not waiting for you to come back.

I need to stop thinking
that people are mind readers
and start saying what I feel.

I may be an open book,
but everyone else is busy
reading theirs.

My hands will not stop
   shaking and I really think
                it wants to hold yours.

May 23, 2015
I spent a long time
wondering when
I'll see you again.

    August 11, 2015
    I must review anatomy now.
    I can't help but remember
    how you traced my palms.

        September 6, 2015
        You started visiting me
        in my dreams again.
        Is this a sign?

             *October 10, 2015
             Our friend will celebrate
             her birthday later and told
             me you can't make it.
             I felt sad because it could have
             been an opportunity to see you again.

October 11, 2015
Another of our friend
will be home tomorrow
and you said you'll go.
Finally, I thought.

    October 12, 2015 3:06pm
    I saw you today.
    I thought I saw sparks
    in your eyes.
    I know you're happy.

           4:45 pm
           You told me about this girl
           and you can't help but smile.
           I smiled to you as well so that
           you know I wish you well.

                 5:05 pm
                 I didn't feel anything
                 when you told me about her.
                 And I noticed you can't look at me
                 in the eyes.

                       now
                       I guess I made you wait
                       for far too long.

Really not the kind of girl
people write poems
or make paintings about.

Rather, the one that will
leave you looking forever
for that perfect word,
for that perfect color.

I keep my stethoscope close
because I need to check my
heartbeat from time to time.

Sometimes I hear it beating so fast,
and sometimes I can't even find it.

Maybe I am looking in the wrong place.
Maybe it's not in my ribs anymore.
Maybe it's in your hands and

*you don't even know it.

What we had was too much coffee
that we mistook our palpitating hearts
as response on being together
when in reality,
it's just caffeine doing it's work.

But I can still taste you,

and it's the taste I will never forget.

I guess it's true that
the reason why you fall in love
with someone may possibly be
the reason you fell out of it,
and it doesn't only apply
to your romantic partners
but also to friends.

You get to know them deeper
and you see things you don't like.

But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that at the
end of the day,
you choose to stay,
you choose to accept them.

That's what friendship is.
That's what love is.

I keep looking at old broken clocks
and I can't help but think
about how time passes when
I'm with you.

It was like a deer running for it's life
while the lion is gaining ground-

it was too fast,
too fast,
that only heartbeats were heard.

What we got was short,
too short,
that even words can't seem to fit in.

And everytime the clock strikes twelve
and I knew I must go,

Then I realized I am not Cinderella
and I can stay.

I look at broken clocks and realize
that clocks decide to stop,
because it decided not to be
controlled by time anymore.

And with that in mind,
we got all the time
in the world.

When I found out
that we came from the same star,
I realized it was not familiarity I feel
when I'm with you,
it's longing.

All these years of travel,
looking for a place to belong to,
then crashing into you,
turning the debris to
what we call home.

*Come home.

I'm all over you
like fingerprints on tape, an
evidence that I
was there once, and loved my stay.

We have been reintroduced
a lot of times
and each introduction
had more impact than the previous,
each introduction had the
ability to shake me up
and all the walls I've built
are slowly flaking away
and a couple more, you'll see
the real me and I hope
that if it happens,
it will be last introduction
because there is no leaving,
no going away. Please.

Hahaha hi it's almost two am here and I know I should probably clean this paint mess I did and go to sleep but I don't want to. I feel like I'm drunk, like my heart is palpitating and my head is spinning and I'm struggling to type these words because my hands and my feet and face are numb right now and I don't know why because I haven't drank alcohol in months.

I just finished watching the meteor shower and I didn't bother making a wish because deep inside I know what I'd wish for and I think the asteroids knew it too- how wouldn't they, I talk about you every night.

Then I decided to finish this painting I started because I thought "hey, maybe this time I'll stick with something." And I did finish it and even though it's a girl, it has your eyes and your favorite colors and now I want to rip it and throw it away. Hahaha

This *****. You ****. I ****. This feeling *****. Wanting you to be here *****. Wanting to be there *****. It does. It does. It does.

I'm going to sleep now, maybe, I don't know. I'm afraid you're there and I'm afraid of the things I might say and I'm afraid of breaking down again.