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killian Apr 13
try
give up
try
give up
try
try
try
give up
try
ugh
ugh
give up
try
try
finish?
try
try
throw it away
try
try
erase
erase
rip it apart
rip it apart
rip rip rip it apart
oh my god just rip it apart!!!
try
try
try
try
try
rip it apart
try
try
distracted










inspired
try
try
give up
try
give up
try
try
try
try
finish?
...didn't know I could do that.
try
try
finish?
throw it away
throw it away
throw it away
throw it away
try
try
try
try
try
try
and keep trying
'til the give ups and throw aways and rip it aparts
disappear
and keep learning
and finish pleasantly surprised
and do something with it

and then... die... i guess
killian Jan 13
i yearn for a past I have learned far past
Of eyes not blank, of eyes not glassed
Of eyes so wide, of eyes so bright
Of eyes as wet as day is night

i miss my days I have kissed away
Of lips entangled, somewhat coquet
Of saliva mixing, reddening my kiss
Of creating new pleasures I soon will miss

i pray for nights I slept with night lights
Of bedtime stories filled with tales of kites
Of bravery in the smallest of feats
Of only stuffed animals laid on my sheets

i long for those years i slept without my fears
Of time feeling worthy and lacking my tears
Of playing some games, I sought and I hid
I wish I'd stopped living when I was no longer a kid
killian Jul 2019
i know you're up to something, babe
just tell me the truth
i know you've got some other babe
who's been handling you

i'm not up to loving, babe
or giving up my youth
if you're hiding something, babe
someone who's been loving you

i know you're up to something, baby
when you give me that glance
why don't you try for some other baby
who you can put in that trance

i'm not up to loving, baby
if there even is a chance
that you're loving some other baby
and tainting our romance
killian Mar 2019
My spine spared a half inch
​when I fell from where cars drive.
Yes, I'm still a living breather.
Yes, I'm one who does survive.

Maybe life won't be so lenient––
Won't let just anyone pass.
I can't create energy out of nothing.
I can't destroy my mass.

As long as clocks are ticking
and the pedestrians cross the street––
as long as we are living––
I will stay standing on my feet.

To climb up on edges
and sit there looking slumped...
I could feel, but couldn't think,
I did only after I jumped...
alternative title: don't go climbing on edges where you don't belong
killian Mar 2019
It isn't a nice process
to tear the window screen,
to look back at my progress,
and to be a machine.

It's better than sharp, clear glass,
and it's better than death.
It's better than pointless mass––
to be without breath.

It's better to just matter
and to, but slowly, spoil.
It's better to, far, scatter
yourself in the brown soil.

It isn't a pleasant thing
to never ever be,
never be of a mom's string––
don't hear, touch, smell, or see.

But it's better than ending
or starting life at all
because life is mind-spending
and at both ends we crawl.
killian Feb 2019
losing grip
and i'll fall
a block to
my feet

my body
don't slap the
ground, what a
big feat!

this is a
dream i'm a–
–ware but no
defeat?

i wake up
and think to
myself who
is me?

losing grip
and i'll fall
a block to
my feet

i stare at
a death rig
and still live
just me?

why is my
own brain so
easy to
deceive?

(though it's ironic to have thought that)

i won't live
forever
but it feels
i'm free

losing grip
and i'll fall
a block as
dead meat
i once had a dream i looked at the cat who was said to make you die if you looked at it. i still remember what it looks like.

dreams in which i never die make me feel immortal, but i am mislead since my brain would never communicate to me what it would be like to die and be dead
killian Feb 2019
Baby, can you draw me
How you really saw me?
Rugged-looking, falling apart.

Baby, can you see me
At my highest degree?
Drug-ed looking, falling apart.

Honey, do you see the
hairs that leave just me?
That’s just me falling apart.

Honey, can you paint me
How it really pains me?
**** it; really call that your art.
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