I heard this voice
Inside my head
Is it okay
If it feels like this
The god complex.
I clinch
Every time a car passes
Yet the on the highest peak
Of the human flesh
I rise
And peak like the skies
As they kiss the mountain peaks
Trying to recite a prayer
My heart has revised many times before
But my lips
Could only take turns
At practicing on the skins of others
How many "hail mary's"
Does it take
To wash away
My sins
His bed knows
More names than "I"
But it knew well enough
To not name a sound
The same way I never do
As he took a hold
Of whatever was left
Of my soul after
A few shots encountered
Raising my voice
As it loses itself beneath my breath
I call it the resurrection
Of before the toxicity
When temptation bit it's lip
And I was so taken
That I still find
It flows just beneath my skin....
And I hurt ...
As though I've never felt
The bleed escape my skin...
As though I've never let
My tears flow and taste
The browns of my cheeks
- Thembekile kilay deh'poet tsaoane

in praying positions
I realise how looking back
at our conversations
in the same bed
that auctioned my body
to you,
even though my tears,
in the company
of my four walls
indisputably proved
to be the highest bidder...
but listen carefully
as my maleficent words,
escaping just beneath
my breath,
tap into your soul...  
until your lungs
know nothing else
than to breathe
the air of me...
until the insides
of your eyelids
morph themselves
into traces and features
of my face...
maybe then you'll really see
the blessings bestowed
upon you...  
and count them
as often as you blink....  
They say let he who has no sin cast the first stone
so here I am...  
as white as the bedsheets
I've left the old sinful
pieces of my soul in
purely resurrected from
the acts of sin
we executed last night...
young lost king
embodied by nothing more
but a sense
of you needing me
I will name and shame you
within this poem
until the thought of it
hunts down your dreams
until they haunt you
and you can do
nothing more but
pray me into your dreams
just enough for you
to find your way  
back into mine
so I can dream you
into my existence
-thembekile kilay deh'poet Tsaoane

I looked out of my bedroom window ...
so frozen and frail
begging the stars
for their approval
but it couldn't come
as fast as I could...
and there I realized  ..
that the only approval
i was looking for
was yours..  
as I tried so hard
to not breathe
at the pace of my heartbeat
effaced in a hopelessly salient yet concealed
enigma in the corners
of your eyes...  
but you were a counterfeit
God...  
that worshipped my lips
as they worshipped
your being ,
that only seemed
to look down on me
whenever you found yourself down on me...

held captive
in a type of non-verbal
communication
where a cold distance
forces itself into
the subtle breaks
between my heartbeats
there,  keeps playing
flashbacks of this morning
as If I was trying to find
a God within my bed ...
which seemed to believe
that you were the only thing
I'm good enough for...
as I so desperately
dug into my bedsheets...
which somehow seemed
to convince me just enough
that I was perfect enough
to hold...

youth fountain

it's unfortunate
we couldn't make it to the bed
the way that we're used to
no mattress...
to reveal my soul....  
only an old quilted blanket
lay where the bed
should have been...  
floor,
I never knew
that I could sink into it
if I arched my back
just a little bit more...  
more...  
the feel I want from it
"I swear
we only touched tips"
tips....  
how you jarred my soul
in just the taste
of one kiss
upon your lips...  
lips,
these lips used to baby sit
generations I could only
destroy by not releasing them
through my skin....  
skin,  
I wonder
how it would have felt
as a combination of us
-thembekile kilay deh'poet Tsaoane

bottle cap

corkscrew
touch
turn
twist
you....  
at the tip
of my opening
after just one bottle
my undefined self
became a soul
within your eyes...
ashtray,
done and dusted
as I lay legs open and lament
in the centre of my bed
holding onto what
I can now look back
as what I'll convince myself
is memories...
light switch,
how the voices in my head
seem to think
that you only exist
whenever the lights go off
doorknob,
keyhole,
lost souls,
were the keys to my room,
to my heart?
-thembekile kilay deh'poet Tsaoane

I've tried hard
to look back
at our time together
we never really
had time together
we had *** together
I was a good pleaser
never known
for really being a believer
in anything
but myself...  
and you...  
you fell victim
to what you thought
was praise and worship
whenever
I was on my knees
I hate to be the one
to tell you this
but making you think
that we both
fell in love simultaneously
was the greatest joke
that I could come up with
and yes...
you will...
you will resent me
like I resent
the holes and bumps
on my thighs and stomach
that were the evidence
of a product
I can only now
hide with secrets
and step father's
and yes...
I've said this before  
I've tried hard
to look back
at our time together
we never really
had time together
we had *** together
-thembekile Kilay deh'poet Tsaoane