"i think i understand now.
i know what's wrong
maybe. i'm nothing
special.
so, i think i'm
done.

x"

how does it feel knowing
that this has all been done before
just in different places, with different people?
life is just repetition with
slight adjustments, history repeating
over and over until time ends.
different voices, different kisses,
spending irrelevant time over
things that shouldn't have mattered
that much.

what have i been doing with my life?
i know who i was when i was younger,
full of life, wanting to get out of that
little town, just wanting to travel,
see the world, didn't matter if i had the money.
full of dreams, ready to take on the world
didn't matter what i was told.
what happened to that spark that was
lit inside? been told so many times
that things like that just aren't possible.
memories like a movie reel,
running from the cops at midnight,
losing the smokes in the bushes,
tripping on acid through the park,
breathing in the sunrise behind the apartments,
feeling peaceful.

help me fan the flame that
i know is still inside.

things aren't always as bad as they seem,
honestly it's not my fault.

the way things ended up, i couldn't have prevented it
how could i have known that evil lurks in friends?

i try to tell myself, it'll get better, i'll forget it
but sometimes at night i can't help but feel those pervasive hands.

and the way that i cried, and
how it felt like an eternity before it ended.

her face haunts me at night,
knowing someday she might come looking for me.

i can't provide her with what she hopes for,
i'll never be the mother i was supposed to be.

so many regrets, and at the same time
deep down i know i couldn't have done it any other way.

the way i am, no matter how much of a mess
it's how i'm supposed to be.

that's what i tell myself, sometimes it helps
sometimes it just makes me feel even worse.

of all people, why me? forcing eyes shut
trying to imagine a different past.

how many times do i have to restart a poem now,
just to be satisfied with the first few lines
even though it doesn't really matter much at all.

i know i'm content with life as it is
but i wonder how many times i would restart my life
before i'm satisfied with the outcome.

all those what ifs don't matter, i know,
and i know my emotions have been complicated,
i apologize mostly to myself.

the higher the emotional high the more i fear the comedown,
can't stop from thinking of the end
trying to remind myself to keep present.

haven't been here much lately,
minds been elsewhere, some other city,
and i'm not sure what triggered it.

trying to disconnect, the intense fear of abandonment,
reminding myself nothing lasts forever,
but i get attached so quick to anyone that seems to care.

have i just been closed off
from others for so long that when
someone seems genuine i start to panic?

i know i have nothing to fear,
but i can't help but get ahead of myself.
i think i just need some fresh air.

i know i'll be fine in the morning but
my existence just makes me feel so
uncomfortable.

after a while i would have thought that i'd get everything figured out
it took a lot of pain for me to realize that things don't always turn out right
never taking the right precautions, putting all the blame on myself
turning inward forgetting to look toward the future

i became who i had been, the person i never wanted to see again
looking in the mirror and wishing for a funeral
trying to hide myself from my peers, only to have prying hands force themselves in
learning to bite my tongue, telling half truths
running to the finish line

letting the walls down i hoped that this would be the final time
telling someone the secret that's been haunting me,
only to find that halfway in it wasn't what they wanted
too much of a burden, with too many issues
no one wants to be censored

easy to fall in love with, even easier to fall out
eventually i'll get to the point where i'm content instead of
this empty feeling of nothing.

i enjoy my time alone,
but i enjoy my time with you
even more.

i enjoy the soft kiss from
my kittens sandpaper tongue,
but i enjoy the gentle pecks on the cheek
from you even more.

i enjoy biting into a ripe peach,
a long drag of a cigarette,
but i enjoy the taste
of you even more.

you have suddenly
begun to spill over into
my regular life.
filling in all the cracks
that haven't been filled
in a while.
my heart can't help but wonder
how long you'll
be around, but
even if it is just temporary bliss
this is definitely worth it
for whatever pain i'll
endure in the end.

you're doomed
once you've realized.

getting ready in the morning i see the scars on my thighs
from the days in high school where my life was falling apart
and my skin was my outlet.

the scars are a milk white now, interesting as i'm already quite pale
running my hand over them i can feel the indentation from
where the blade sank in.

i remember the nights where i'd be crying and listening to some
kind of edgy, angsty band and how numb i felt as the
blade swam over my skin.

how good it felt, to have something real that i could validate and
how interesting it is that i no longer crave that pain
instead all i seek is admiration.

not sure where my passion for life had gone
not sure if i even had it in the first place
it's a lot easier to not bother trying
because then no one will give you a second glance

maybe it's just all in my head
and it's just one of those good few months
a stretch of time where i'll create endlessly
even if it is, i'll take what i can get

nothing needs to last forever,
if it's good, i'll take it
and let it go when it needs to leave
eventually it'll come around again

when was the last time i took a moment for myself
at first it was good with you, and i realized i could be myself
mostly accepted, even with the sadness
the first few nights you held me tightly and comforted me to sleep.

months later you got tired of my constant sadness, of the nights i
couldn't stop crying for no good reason.
the ache in my heart didn't cease when you came into my life
and i think that hurt you.

you threw out my antidepressants claiming i didn't need them anymore
because i had you in my life.

two years later my heart still ache, and part of it was from you.
the pain you caused me, when you belittled me, and called me a crybaby.
before you had been so charming, so caring
and now it was as if you'd been replaced, complacent and apathetic.

when you told me you were no longer in love with me
i fell apart, i apologize, i shouldn't have begged you to stay.
weeks later when you said you didn't want me anymore, i sat quiet
on the couch and accepted it completely.
people grow apart, it's only natural. it's how we live.

i've become content with how things are now
and remembering the person i am, and who i am becoming
without you in my life i can see things more clearly.
i hope you do well in the future and you find someone that
makes you happy again, and that you can make yourself happy.

i hold myself at night when i cry now
and i seem to be sleeping just fine.

im haunted by guilt of
something i could have never prevented
the last message sent to you plays out
a broken record that can never be fixed
wounds that will never be healed by words
things i wish i could have done
but now can only play out as fantasies
your corpse rotting in the graveyard we used to play in
this is something i never imagined as our future
and you’re somewhere i can never visit
we’ll never reminisce on old times
and ill never hear you again say my name
there’s only so many times i can apologize to the sky

letting people in is such a scary thing
my mind becomes occupied with the thought
that i might be too much of
whatever i am
all of the
“what if im too talkative?”
and all of the
“is it okay for me to feel this way?”
and then the thought if it’s okay
to ask for validation that
i truly am loved for what i am

it turns out
all i needed to do
was ask aloud

sometimes i wonder when you
started the process of devaluing me
it was subtle, starting with little things
"you don't touch me enough"
so i start to touch you more,
show you more that i care
then it evolved into
"you're not goth enough,
not funny enough,
you don't do enough for me,
you don't go out enough"
more and more it continued
"you don't tease me enough"
and i realized that this was
never a relationship
i was something safe,
that would give you attention,
love, and a place away from your
sisters to stay.
in the beginning you were so charming,
considerate, taking time to learn about me
as i did the same
going on trips and being told
that i was the first person that you said you loved
in three years
but then i remember little conversations
you told your ex best friend before you met me
that you love them.
i wonder now, if anything you said
was real
or was it all a ploy to get something you wanted
easy access to a supply of love and *** and attention.
i remember feeling like i
was going crazy because you would
tell me things didn't happen that way
or tell me i said something when i knew
i didn't. i thought it was my fault
that i was somehow gaslighting you
and didn't realize it.
but now i see the truth of the matter,
and why you didn't want to work on the relationship.
i was given an ultimatum of having to get
therapy or you will leave, but when i asked if you would ever go back
you said you didn't need it.
after four years of trying so hard
to be there for you, to help you
thinking that you would do the same for me
i know now that you didn't have a connection with me.
already you're with someone new,
just a few months after leaving me.
i saw you without your mask for the first time
clearly i could see you for who you are
scared, insecure, pushing people away before
they realize what you're doing.
i still have so much compassion for you despite it all.
after everything i love you unconditionally,
and i believe it is what you have wanted from me all along.
to be wanted in the background, so that when you
grow bored of new people
you can come back to me as if nothing happened.
i only wish the best for you,
to live a life with ease and to be happy
but i feel like you will continue this pattern
with so many after me
just like you did before me.

you're doomed
once you've realized.

walking through the halls
analyzing each painting i pass
wondering how someone could have
such skill

what a surprise when i read the
signature as my own
when could i have created something
so lovely
and why don’t i remember how
to do it again

i have learned how
to be alone
since i was a kid
i know how to entertain myself
and find appreciation
in whatever i have
i don't have to fill my time
with things that
don't mean anything to me
just to pass the time
i don't need to fill
the whole inside me
with someone else's
arms
the connections i create
are ones that i want
to nurture
because i wouldn't spend my time
on something
that didn't matter to me
the quiet in my life
is comforting
something i have
always had
and will have for
the rest of my days

thinking back to the time
we had reconciled
i remember how you wanted me
to touch you, and i said no
and you kept asking
asking if you could touch me instead
i kept saying no
but felt guilty, feeling like
i had to please you
to make you stay
remembering this, i wonder to myself
if all of this has been
transactional to you
and i try to check the facts as
i sift through more memories
of the times where love was withheld
and yet i still love you
because i've learned two things
can be true at one time
i can be disappointed,
and still be in love

growing up you had told me
that i wouldn’t amount to anything
just a lazy *******
my existence meant nothing more
as inconsequential as a lonely ant

ive looked for validation from you
in the forms of other people
a boss, a lover, a friend, a hook up
ive traveled the globe
and even signed away my freedom
to find it

and finally after ten long years
i think ive figured it out
you can go to hell you
******* *******
i don’t need your *******
validation anymore

i shared my secrets, flaws,
insecurities, and vulnerabilities with you
tenderly drawing hearts along your
back and spine with my finger
hearing you whisper
"don't ever leave me"
in my ear, sending chills down my spine
thinking that this love would last forever

four years later and
you are using those secrets
and insecurities against me
throwing vile, cruel words toward me
i am no longer of use to you
and you say i won't be in your life
despite leaving me on all of your
social media

so i have taken the first step
removing you bit by bit
from my life,
someone that can surgically remove me
from their life and replace me a few months later
is not someone that i want
in my life.

blocked from my life now
the only avenue left for you
is by phone, and
deep down i am dreading the day
i see your name pop up on my phone again.

“i just want to live!”
the scream echoed through the empty halls
as if i was the only soul around

i guess it might be time
to open the castle gates
and start letting people in again