I’d like to know when the words
“you deserve better”
became a placeholder for
“I’m leaving you”

i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty.
and when it's good, it's grand.
i will paint your skies every shade of purple i can find.
i will stand by your side like man's best friend,
fighting for you, fighting with you.

i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty,
but when it's bad...it's bad.
but i will still be here when
you say my skies look more like bruises
from fighting too hard, too much-
words thrown like fists, messy and unrefined.
i will still be here even when
you tell me my lavender sky was unrealistic,
my head always stuck in the clouds.

i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty-
but what good does that combination do me
when they aren't together anyways?

i mIss your Hand in Mine
the way timE Flies
the sound of your Laugh
the way your EyEbrowS crinKLe
at the tastE of avOcado

tangLed limbs and midnighT gigglEs
you wAtched My fAvorite moVie
without Even heSitating
kissEs on my foreheaD
and the tiP of my NosE
isn't this hOw Love goEs

it's been five years of this back and forth
this come over tonight
but only for a while
and i'll see you again soon.

it started at seventeen
because i still loved you.
i didn't know how to let go
and you didn't hold on.

soon you will leave me again.
i'm not sure what happens to us-
or whatever this is.
i'm afraid to ask
because some part of me
will always be holding on to you.
and i fear that these five years
have already been forgotten
that you've let go
that i'm still holding on alone.
again.

allow me to set the scene:
the lights are low- or maybe off-
or maybe you’re illuminated by each other’s smiles
and the dimly lit faerie lights draped along the headboard.
the blankets are pushed to a corner
and somewhere tangled in the sheets
are the clothes you showed up in.
the walls you’ve built have been completely
and irrevocably destroyed- but for once, that’s okay.
you can feel the weight of his ribs against your hips,
this is what you’ve been waiting for-
well not this, but him.
“stay” you whisper.
and of course, he continues.
you could swear everything is just melting around you
because you look at his face
and it’s like you’re somewhere beyond cloud nine
but this is not what you meant.
“stay” did not mean put your hands on my thighs
and keep going.
it didn’t mean keep your clothes off.
“stay” meant come lay down next to me
and hold my hand when you think i’m sleeping
it meant let’s fall asleep to the sound of each other’s laugh.
“stay” meant bare feet under covers
and space heater skin
I wish I understood how these emotions became ******* like this
it’s the *** before the feeling
but why does it have to be like this?
i always find myself apologizing
and wondering what’s wrong with me-
i can’t help that i find a deep emotional investment within people
i can’t help that when i look at you
i feel like every poem i’ve ever read
but it seems like you and i have been reading different books.

when we met i saw stars
and not just the ones in the sky
but the ones in your eyes
and the ones that danced in the air when you laughed
i waited days and weeks and months
before i asked what we were doing
to which you said things would happen
but you needed time, so nothing felt rushed
and since then you have told me
that you never felt a moment
that pushed you to be in a relationship...
i was a competitive swimmer for ten years
so, naturally, water is where i’m most comfortable
you say this and i think back to summer
where days were spent running in and out of the ocean
waist deep in water where i can still jump waves
only, this time i jump too soon and i’m thrown under-
i can feel the sand scraping my knees, my shoulders, my back
the salt burns and burns... and burns
i sit on the towel for a minute
but something calls me back to the water
because i know the burn
and i’d rather feel the burn
than never touch the ocean again
i’d take a hundred bad waves
for the salty smell and the sun in my hair any day.
this is just a bad wave.
i tell you not to worry
if you need time, take it;
i will tread the water and i will take the burn
because at some point it will get dark...
hopefully you’ll see the stars then too