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Kendall K Mar 2017
Do you know what it feels like to crumble on the floor and cry until your eyes feel like they're quivering, and you just want to crawl out of your skin and find home elsewhere? Do you know how it feels to have so many holes left in and dug out of you by people you once considered your world? You're embedded with so many of these empty voids that you constantly fall into yourself and no one wants to give you a hand out, so by now, you don't even know what part of yourself you're sitting in. I'm trying to find a single piece of myself that's still there, but there's nothing to look for—I have no pieces left to find. I want to find the old me again; the one whose eyes lit up just from the sight of rainbow after a rainy shower. But these are the days that really make me question if she even exists at all anymore because I'm looking everywhere. And I can't find her. I'm scared to death I never will.
2.2.17
Kendall K Mar 2017
I told you I didn't want to talk about it,
and you got mad.

But how do I tell the person
who gave me my entire life

that I no longer want to live it?
3.8.17
Kendall K Feb 2017
You tell me this is who I am,
who I’m supposed to be.
But I’m drowning from the inside out
I’m dying, don’t you see?

You’re telling me and telling me
how to live my life.
You don’t care about the things I want
Your hand cuts like a knife.

You fail to listen to the words I speak,
though you hear me loud and clear.
I try so hard to stand my ground,
but I just can’t fight the fear.

I’m done giving away more than I own,
so look now, at me, at my face, and at my plea.
You’ve stolen all my puzzle pieces,
now it’s time to be set free.

Take a good look and soak it all in
because you’ll never get another chance.
Remember this the next time you speak;
that you must always take a second glance.

Use your voice to create sound
that holds far greater meaning
because all I’ve ever known from you
was discouraging and demeaning.

Think before you open that spiteful mouth of yours
and let others control their own body, mind, and heart
because it’s the people like you who make me worry
that someday this world will fall apart.

So this is it, this is my goodbye,
this is all I have left to say.
You don’t get to cry or take everything back
because it’s your fault I didn’t stay.

You ruined me and tore me down
until there were no remains,
now the deep feeling of both everything and nothing
is coursing through my veins.

My life no longer lies
in the palm of your cruel, ****** hand.
Maybe this letter makes me no better than you,
but you will never understand.

So I write to you my final farewell
and I blow you one last kiss
And I hope to God it hurts like hell
when I unmercifully leave you with this.
1.31.17
** Inspired by the movie Dead Poets Society **
Kendall K Sep 2017
My dad does not love me,
I couldn't tell you why.
I do not feel at home when I am with him,
I won't even try to lie.

I know he doesn't give a **** about anyone besides himself,
not me, not him, not her.
Dad, I think of all the times I asked if you were even listening,
though I always knew you never were.

He makes me feel like I bear no purpose
and that doesn't sit too well.
I'm breathing slowly in and out,
yet I still reside in hell.

But as much as I want to hate him,
I still can't bring myself to.
I swear to god, I'm falling apart,
will we ever make it through?

This tears me apart violently,
painfully, limb by limb
I want to make things better,
but it all just looks so grim.

I'm trying so hard to convince myself
that it doesn't hurt anymore
because you told me you would make this right,
but you lied to me, you swore.

Yet despite these words that spill from my lips,
your approval still haunts me, I swear.
Because something crazy happened that made me realize
how much I continue to care.

Because when I lost the stone of a ring you bought,
my wall came tumbling down
Because I found some love within that rock
that we got in my favorite town.

On that trip, I felt important,
so much that I'll never forget.
Of all my useless times with you,
that week I don't regret.

But now that my ring is gone,
there's nothing happy for me to remember,
so I'm left here on a sunny July day,
feeling like the **** frigid December.

I began to find a home inside my moonstone,
and I wore it everyday.
Now, my memory seems to be fading
further and further away.

It's sad, I know it's lame,
but I still find myself searching all over the ground.
Though I know it's long gone,
I look hopelessly for something that's nowhere to be found.

And often times,
I also find myself tracing a finger
over the now empty space
my blue ring used to linger.

I'm looking for something
that no longer exists
because my fading faith in you
consistently persists.

I'm holding tightly onto an object
because of the meaning I convinced myself it had,
but the painful realization that you really couldn’t care less
feels indescribably bad.

I guarded it with my life,
but a ring never made me matter
And now that I've seen the truth,
I'm scared to death I'm going to fall apart and shatter.

Maybe it wasn't the healthiest coping method,
but it meant the world and more to me.
A piece of myself died once I noticed its absence
because there's a door to my happy memories and that was the key.

That one small piece of jewelry
was the hope, the love, you left me without.
This is why I cried when I lost it
because it was one of the only things I owned that I cared so desperately about.

And if I never get it back,
I’ll never find any in you again
If I thought this feeling right now was the worst,
what will I do then?

When I think of you, it all comes back;
your mistreatment is all I see.
And I'm left alone inside my head,
thinking, that my own daddy doesn't love me.
2.2.16 | this is something i was very hesitant to share because it's honestly probably the most personal thing i've ever written in my entire life, but i just needed some peace in my mind and i felt like i needed to share this in order to get that release since this topic continues to be a reoccurring struggle in my life.
Kendall K Mar 2017
I realize that questioning your purpose is a part of life. But it breaks my heart to see so many teenagers and young adults, or really anybody for that matter, truly believe that they mean nothing—that they are nothing. One thing I’ve really begun to notice is how much light we lose from the time we’re very young, to the time we’re in highschool, to the time we’re elderly. Something in us just goes out. That spark dies.

But I don’t believe that. I don’t even believe it when I say it. How can a piece of ourselves just simply vanish? It doesn’t make sense.

I don’t think it’s gone. I think it’s just lost.

Remember those days as a kid growing up? And I’m not talking about the happy-go-lucky, hopscotch, high-fiving kind of days, nor am I talking about the sunny, swingset, sugary sweets kinds of days. I’m talking about those days where you truly felt alive. Those days where you had this empowering feeling of happiness and those days where you could honest to God look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I am living a life that I love.”

I don’t know about you, but I am willing to do anything to feel that hopeful and that invincible again. Even if it’s just for one day.

I think one of the biggest problems we all have as people is that we don’t know how to be equal. We don’t look at someone above us and strive to raise ourselves to that level. We strive to drag them down to ours. It’s like...human nature to compete. And that frustrates me. The question always seems to be, “What will everyone else say/think?” Not, “What do I think/want?”

And I think that’s a big reason why we see that shift in ourselves and our attitudes. We lose ourselves in everybody else. We don’t ever do what makes us happy, so we never feel happy. But who cares what anybody else has to say about it? Who cares what anybody else’s opinion is? You do what makes you feel fulfilled and whole and complete until you are fulfilled and whole and complete. And one day, you’ll wake up, and you’ll see that their words don’t mean anything. They never did. They never will.

And I hate that we as humans are so capable of tearing one another down. I hate that we have so much power and we use it in such a negative way. I hate that we learn so much from the hard times and so little from the good ones.

I just want people to remember these things when they feel sick to the stomach about life. Just because you lost something at the bottom of your bag, doesn’t mean it’s not there anymore. We all have a purpose. You just have to find it again. You may have to find it many times again.

But you are not nothing. You never were, and you never will be.
2.27.17
Kendall K Feb 2017
It was so late at night, I don't even remember if it was within the time span to be considered night anymore. It was so late that it wasn't, maybe it was actually so early in the morning, but I remember that we were lying in your bed and you had your left arm underneath my neck and my face was buried in your old, white T-shirt and it was the first night we'd ever spent together. I had so many emotions flowing throughout my entire body and I just wanted to cry because they were so strong and you were right there and I knew that these emotions were caused by your presence... What would happen to them when you weren't there?

I remember fearing you leaving me, whether it was your choice or mine or fate's, but I grabbed onto that old, white T-shirt of yours and squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could before pulling myself in closer to you. No matter how close I got, I wasn't close enough. Body heat radiated off of you, but my fear left me cold and you warmed me up; you started a fire in my heart and an explosion in my brain.

I must've continued to clench harder and harder onto you because your eyes shot open and you wrapped your hands around my arms—my body—and said with panic in your voice, over and over again, "What's wrong? Are you okay?" And when you saw that I was okay, you released a breath of air, "Don't go, I've got you."

I was startled at first by your quick reaction, but then it hit me. You were left behind once. You were just as scared as I. So I looked up into your dark, piercing, yet innocent eyes and kissed your chin softly, "Yes. Everything's perfect. I'm not leaving you."

I could see a wave of relief wash over you and this time, you nuzzled your face into the crook of my neck and whispered, "I'm not leaving you either." You laid back down and I stroked your cheek up and down, causing you to quickly fall back asleep. I studied your old, white T-shirt one last time, discovering two holes and a single stain. A small smile crept upon my face.

We're just a couple of messy people in a broken world, but sometimes two "wrong" people are right for each other. I can't fix him, just as he can't fix me, but we can help each other fix ourselves. And it wasn't until that very moment where I said to myself, "I love this boy."
8.1.16
Kendall K Jun 2017
I don't think you understand how much I love you.

I look at you
and my chest hurts.
My body aches.
My heart beats faster,
and my head begins to spin,
and I immediately can't imagine
a world without you in it.
One look at you
can bring tears to my eyes
because I'm so scared of you
never feeling anything
even remotely similar,
and I don't think I could exist
without your reciprocated love.

I love you so much,
and my God,
it hurts like hell to love you.

But I keep falling and falling
for this feeling,
and for the way you smile at the world.
And I don't love hurting,
but I love loving you.

These emotions might **** me,
but I'm okay with that.
Just as long as I know
that you loved me too.

Even if it was only for a second.
6.29.17
Kendall K May 2017
The tidal waves of life come crashing all day long until you are filled to the brim with the water that has washed your inner self away. You try to learn how to swim as everyone else around you screams both for and at you, but you continue sinking and sinking until your fingertips can no longer touch the surface. Many will hear this and think that you are drowning, but the sad truth is that you are not.

You are living.
5.5.17

— The End —