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Kendall K Sep 2017
My dad does not love me,
I couldn't tell you why.
I do not feel at home when I am with him,
I won't even try to lie.

I know he doesn't give a **** about anyone besides himself,
not me, not him, not her.
Dad, I think of all the times I asked if you were even listening,
though I always knew you never were.

He makes me feel like I bear no purpose
and that doesn't sit too well.
I'm breathing slowly in and out,
yet I still reside in hell.

But as much as I want to hate him,
I still can't bring myself to.
I swear to god, I'm falling apart,
will we ever make it through?

This tears me apart violently,
painfully, limb by limb
I want to make things better,
but it all just looks so grim.

I'm trying so hard to convince myself
that it doesn't hurt anymore
because you told me you would make this right,
but you lied to me, you swore.

Yet despite these words that spill from my lips,
your approval still haunts me, I swear.
Because something crazy happened that made me realize
how much I continue to care.

Because when I lost the stone of a ring you bought,
my wall came tumbling down
Because I found some love within that rock
that we got in my favorite town.

On that trip, I felt important,
so much that I'll never forget.
Of all my useless times with you,
that week I don't regret.

But now that my ring is gone,
there's nothing happy for me to remember,
so I'm left here on a sunny July day,
feeling like the **** frigid December.

I began to find a home inside my moonstone,
and I wore it everyday.
Now, my memory seems to be fading
further and further away.

It's sad, I know it's lame,
but I still find myself searching all over the ground.
Though I know it's long gone,
I look hopelessly for something that's nowhere to be found.

And often times,
I also find myself tracing a finger
over the now empty space
my blue ring used to linger.

I'm looking for something
that no longer exists
because my fading faith in you
consistently persists.

I'm holding tightly onto an object
because of the meaning I convinced myself it had,
but the painful realization that you really couldn’t care less
feels indescribably bad.

I guarded it with my life,
but a ring never made me matter
And now that I've seen the truth,
I'm scared to death I'm going to fall apart and shatter.

Maybe it wasn't the healthiest coping method,
but it meant the world and more to me.
A piece of myself died once I noticed its absence
because there's a door to my happy memories and that was the key.

That one small piece of jewelry
was the hope, the love, you left me without.
This is why I cried when I lost it
because it was one of the only things I owned that I cared so desperately about.

And if I never get it back,
I’ll never find any in you again
If I thought this feeling right now was the worst,
what will I do then?

When I think of you, it all comes back;
your mistreatment is all I see.
And I'm left alone inside my head,
thinking, that my own daddy doesn't love me.
2.2.16 | this is something i was very hesitant to share because it's honestly probably the most personal thing i've ever written in my entire life, but i just needed some peace in my mind and i felt like i needed to share this in order to get that release since this topic continues to be a reoccurring struggle in my life.
Kendall K Jun 2017
I don't think you understand how much I love you.

I look at you
and my chest hurts.
My body aches.
My heart beats faster,
and my head begins to spin,
and I immediately can't imagine
a world without you in it.
One look at you
can bring tears to my eyes
because I'm so scared of you
never feeling anything
even remotely similar,
and I don't think I could exist
without your reciprocated love.

I love you so much,
and my God,
it hurts like hell to love you.

But I keep falling and falling
for this feeling,
and for the way you smile at the world.
And I don't love hurting,
but I love loving you.

These emotions might **** me,
but I'm okay with that.
Just as long as I know
that you loved me too.

Even if it was only for a second.
Kendall K May 2017
The tidal waves of life come crashing all day long until you are filled to the brim with the water that has washed your inner self away. You try to learn how to swim as everyone else around you screams both for and at you, but you continue sinking and sinking until your fingertips can no longer touch the surface. Many will hear this and think that you are drowning, but the sad truth is that you are not.

You are living.
Kendall K Mar 2017
I told you I didn't want to talk about it,
and you got mad.

But how do I tell the person
who gave me my entire life

that I no longer want to live it?
  Mar 2017 Kendall K
Midnight Rain
you were a book of confusion
with too many loose ends
and incomplete parts
until she came

she unfurled your soul,
blew off the dust
and her golden touch
brought you back to life

and you never knew it
was possible to make sense of your

of the roads that had dead ends
or the places people forgot existed
in you

but she untied
every twisting thought,
made sense of every unspoken word

you were a book unfinished
and she finally gave you an ending
Kendall K Mar 2017
Do you know what it feels like to crumble on the floor and cry until your eyes feel like they're quivering, and you just want to crawl out of your skin and find home elsewhere? Do you know how it feels to have so many holes left in and dug out of you by people you once considered your world? You're embedded with so many of these empty voids that you constantly fall into yourself and no one wants to give you a hand out, so by now, you don't even know what part of yourself you're sitting in. I'm trying to find a single piece of myself that's still there, but there's nothing to look for—I have no pieces left to find. I want to find the old me again; the one whose eyes lit up just from the sight of rainbow after a rainy shower. But these are the days that really make me question if she even exists at all anymore because I'm looking everywhere. And I can't find her. I'm scared to death I never will.
  Mar 2017 Kendall K
Madisen Kuhn
i’ve given up on days that begin in late afternoon,
skipped breakfast and lunch,
days that fade slowly and end with
****** cut-out holes in eyelids because
the second i close them and it all goes black,
every moment with you comes back
played on fast-forward, the memories moving so quickly
that both our faces are blurred
and it feels like everything i’ve ever felt for you
is overflowing the tub, filling the washroom with
suds that take forever to melt

i’ve given up on those days.

i’ve traded them for ones that begin with
sunrises instead of sunsets,
days that are spent falling forward
instead of trying to chase the past, and i don’t
look back and see something broken, or
something that was better off left unopened

i look back and see our bodies so close together
that you can’t tell where yours begins and mine ends,
i see my heart that grew twenty-three times its size,
i see you and me wrapped up in something that
i didn’t know existed outside of blurry 35 mm
and overdue and falling-apart library books
that sit on the nightstands of middle-aged women
who are bored with their lives

and i’m just so happy i got to love you at all.

but i’ve folded up all the days spent with you
and taped them in the messy pages of my journal
and now i’m running into the sun,
running away from every lie that’s trying to
wedge its way in between my ribs,
running in the opposite direction of words like "regret"
and any feeling that insists that none of it was worth it

because all of it was worth it.

every moment we were together pumps
through my veins, and it will always be there;
it will be there when we’ve both graduated,
when you move out west,
when you kiss your family goodnight,
when you sit in your backyard with tears
in your eyes because you’ve lived a life
you are proud of

it will be there when i finally make it to new york city,
when i kiss someone who isn’t you,
when i find the answers you inspired me to search for,
when i sit on my rooftop with tears on my cheeks
because i’ve lived a life fuller than i could’ve ever imagined

and you and i will live these lives apart,
we’ll move on and forget what it felt like
to wake up beside one another;
we’ll find what we’re looking for elsewhere
and we’ll understand why this all had to happen the way that it did

but what we had will always exist somewhere,
in rotting apples and old mail and unplayed mix CDs,
in mosaics that line the city streets, in sirens and
red and white flashing lights that shine through
your window while you are asleep

you and i were magic,
we always will be.
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