I know you never wanted
to breed an addict,
it's just one of those
uncontrollable risks that
accompanies parenting.

Or was it controllable?

I remember, as far back as
ten years old, you cursing freely
while I was in the room;
never directed at me though,
thank God.

You told me once, when I was twelve,
a playful smile on your face as you
gripped the steering wheel at 10 and 2,
that you wouldn't be surprised if I
became just as foul-mouthed as you.

Well gee, I wouldn't even utter
the word "God" for a year after that conversation.

But then the teen years hit,
those dastardly years of
storm and stress...
and rebellion.

That's where my addiction began,
in the midst of middle school.
What started out as a rebellious experiment
has quickly spiraled into
an uncontrollable addiction.

Oh, Mother;
we share the same looks, same jokes,
hell, even the same gender--
now add another commonality to our list:
the mouth of a sailor.

To: You; From: Me
4/10/15, 6:37PM
Hi. It's been awhile,
just, uh, checking in...

To: You; From: Me
4/10/15, 6:41PM
I still think of you--of us, our friendship.
I'm sorry we drifted apart; I'm
sorry for being carried off by other waves
and leaving you ashore

To: You; From: Me
4/10/15, 6:57PM
Tear-stained pillows,
a layer of clothes covering the carpet...
I guess you can say I've redecorated
since the last time we hung out? Haha

To: You; From: Me
4/10/15, 7:09PM
How do you do it?
How can you possibly
reach inside my chest and
squeeze my ******* heart
so tight it nearly bursts
just by making eye contact??

To: You; From: Me
4/10/15, 7:11PM
*******!!!!!!!!

To: You; From: Me
4/10/15, 7:20PM
I miss you so much
I don't even know what to
do anymore

To: You; From: Me
4/10/15, 7:21PM
Please come back into my life
please be my friend again
please please please

To: You; From: Me
4/10/15, 7:30PM**
Hi.

There she was,
staggering down the evenly-paved road--
passers-by wrote her off as drunk,
but really the tears were impairing her vision--

clad in Ugg moccasins that barely covered her
heels anymore, that embarrassing pair of
heart-covered pajama pants from middle school,
and the ever-too-big softball sweatshirt.

Tears cascaded down her face
in a waterfall, while her chestnut-colored hair
shrouded this natural phenomenon
as if it were sacred.

Her shadow stretched far taller
than the girl's actual height,
adding those always-sought-after inches
to her petite frame.

Ironically, her thoughts overshadowed
her own shadow; those pesky, ferocious demons
causing the salty tears of frustration
to stubbornly leak from her green eyes.

A young girl shouldn't be tortured by
her own thoughts, the worries of her elders,
carelessly blown in her face
like secondhand smoke.

She needed to get away,
escape the smoke-worries
that weigh her down in her own home--
but it was too late.

*The damage is already done...

I. the way it was
Running round your yard,
laughs shared and memories made.
I was carefree then

The disease found you:
Wheelchair-bound, memories lost.
Our worlds crumbled fast

Black was everywhere.
Tears flowed, casket closed--goodbye.
I don't like goodbyes

II. the way it is
Brow furrowed deeply.
Labored breathing, sleepless nights.
The stress consumes me

Looking at the sky:
golden rays brighten white clouds.
Are you watching me?

III. the way it could have been**
...
..
?

is driving faster than the speed limit
Windows all the way down

Radio turned up as high as it will go
Music blasting through your speakers

Singing loudly and off-key
Not caring who happens to hear

Sunlight streaming through the car
Reflecting off your sunglasses

Barbecue-scented wind knotting up your hair,
Letting you know that summer's almost here

The falling part is easy.

Wind blowing through your hair;
strands flying in and out of your mouth,
knots forming too--
but that doesn't matter in this moment.

You're in a completely different dimension:
liberated and empowered,
your love can conquer all,
the sky is the limit!

(how ironic that you think this,
when in actuality you are
rapidly moving farther and farther
from the limitless sky.)

But you've got to hit the ground eventually.

You land with a single THUD--
pain coursing through your back,
the bloodstream; your whole body is throbbing
dun dun, dun dun, dun dun

Your pupils are fully dilated,
mouth frozen in a perfect "o"
trying to figure out how on earth
you plan on recovering from this fall.

The falling part is easy,
but you've got to hit the ground eventually.
The real test of character
is picking yourself up afterwards.

We were just two planets
that happened to fall into the same orbit.
God, it sounds so cliché when I say it like that,
but that's what we were--

I was a small and cocky freshman
much like Pluto; all high and mighty
with its long-lasting title of "planet"
when really it's just a dwarf

You were two years older:
seasoned, hardened, experienced;
no one needed a telescope for you
because your presence was that large

We were never supposed to be friends.
But I entered your atmosphere
while your entered mine,
and nothing was the same

But as quickly as we collided,
our orbits changed,
causing us to hurtle through space
in completely different directions

I'm a painter here--
my pencil's the paintbrush,
the paper my canvas.

Happy, sad, good, bad:
I control every part of you
once my thoughts come to life.

Lately I've spent too much time
emphasizing the dark in your portraits,
turning you into some monster.

But you're not pure evil;
I must've lost my pastels--
can't seem to paint you in a lighter way.

How can I call myself a painter
when my most recent works have been
****** up optical illusions instead?

Why are roses the

symbol of lasting love when

they die so quickly?

I'm not sure what's worse:

That I was once your first choice

Or that now I'm not

I'm trying to get clean of you
But it's hard quitting cold turkey

Hands sh-sh-shaking
Pupils                   darting uncontrollably

Legs stomping. Zombielike. I pause
Every so often. To keep myself in check

Thoughtsracingamileaminute
Somehowtheyalwaysfindawaybackto--

N­o.
I can't take it anymore

I open my mouth,
No longer caring if I put your name between my lips

It rolls off my ******* single exhale
I savor the forbidden sweetness of each syllable

As quick as it entered my throat,
Your name's already vanished into thin air

With it goes my peace of mind,
The withdrawal setting back in

It's never fun needing someone
Way more than they need you

Even after all this time
You're still stained on my hands
Lining every crease
Embedded in my nails

I've tried to rid myself of you
Scrubbed my hands raw
Leaving pink and cracked skin
But your residue remains

I won't stop scrubbing till you're gone
Because God forbid
I accidentally stain someone else
With traces of *you

We stand face to face, legs spread apart
Like two outlaws dueling in an old Western

Fingers twitching
Eager to get the first shot

We reach for our weapons simultaneously
Shot after shot filling our secluded battlefield

A vein in your forehead pulsing in frustration and concentration
I dodge everything you throw my way

A shot grazes my skin
The stinging of a paper cut, magnified

You loom over me
Your shadow swallowing me whole

Weapon rising above me slowly, painfully slow
I do nothing to avoid your final blow

My mouth contorts into a wince
Eyes closing involuntarily

The shot pierced me
Straight through the heart

Perfect aim.

Dread coursing through me
It spills over in a single teardrop

There's no such thing as a "word wound"  
No hospital will ever admit me

Even if it's far more damaging
Than any bullet

Sprinting--arms pumping, heart racing
Trying my best to destroy
A thought bubble of you

Slipping--dodging, avoiding my grasp
Each and every time
I go to pop the memory from mind

Multiplying--surrounding, trapping me
Thought bubbles overwhelming me
I promised myself I'd let you go

Finally I relent and allow myself
To drown in my memories of you
Just one more time

You're just a **** maze

And I'm really struggling

To find my way out

I wouldn't have thought

That my only kryptonite

Would end up as you

I wonder what would happen
If I were to
Go blind

Thoughts this grim
Shouldn't plague a young girl
Like me

It's ironic that
The only constant in life
Is change

At night, all I do
Is think in
Unfinished poems

You sit across from me
Your face visibly relaxed, innocent
I feel as if my teeth will shatter
From the pressure of my clenched jaw

My eyes are dark, a storm rages in my irises
Staring at nothing but the eyes across the table
But your attention is focused downward
Mindlessly playing games on your phone

You raise a hand to run it through your hair
As I struggle to keep mine at my side
I want so badly just to
Hurl something across the room

But then you utter a pathetic "sorry"
And my body begins to relax
While I silently curse myself
For not being able to hold a grudge

I'm gliding through life
When suddenly my path just
Happened to cross yours

We were drawn to each other
Some scientific properties
Pulling us closer and closer

Now it's like Elmer's glue
You're stuck on me
I'm stuck on you

And I'm not letting go
Till some greater power
Somehow forces us apart

is driving fast on the highway
Sitting in the back seat

Not knowing where you're headed
Or when you'll get home

Face pressed against the window
A smile lurking on your lips

Watching light after twinkling light
Pass you by in an instant

It must be nice
Being a pencil

It can erase
All its mistakes

Whereas I
Must live with mine

It's easy going around
Seeing happy people
And thinking
"You lucky *******"

But the truth is

We're all just
Broken souls
Waiting to be put
Back together

To everyone else
I'm just a ball of play-doh
Stretched and pinched and pushed
To fit whatever mold they want

My family wants me
To be something I never will:
A nurse, a doctor, something with a large salary

My peers tell me
That being "cool" constitutes
Drinking, partying, getting high

And society shows me
Beauty is acquired by
Being inpossibly attractive, tall, slim

Don't they know that
Stretching play-doh too far
Eventually tears it apart?

No matter how much you've changed
Your shadow remains
The same

You're a shadow of your old self
But no matter how hard you try
You cannot escape it

Letting light shine in
Allows the old you
To come through

But surrounded by darkness
I no longer know
Who you are

So when that happens, I recite the mantra once more:

No matter how much you've changed
Your shadow remains
The same

Although a rain cloud
Now lies above my
Head

I know for a fact
A new angel's been
Bred

It's so incredibly frustrating
How you drive me insane
Without even trying

Because when I look into your eyes
I see a galaxy of sparkling stars
I see wonder and mystery

But as I'm left awestruck
You see my eyes for what they really are:
A dull green color

It's sad:
We let
this tiny word
dictate entire
Lives.

All I want in life

is to be someone's

Hero.

As I lie awake at night
I unconsciously leave my bed
And enter the jungle that is
My mind

I'm there without a map
Struggling to navigate
Through the countless thickets
Of thoughts

Going deeper in the jungle
Going deeper in my mind
This is where the thoughts
Get scary

Suddenly I can move no further
I am trapped in a web of worries
And forced to stand there and wait
For the monster that spun the web
To consume me

Confidence is key
A key to opening doors of opportunity

Always keep your confidence with you
You'll never know when it'll come through

Don't make it your spare
Don't leave it out there

Because everybody knows that
Spare keys are left under the doormat

The snow trusts the grass
To catch it every single time
It falls

The grass loves the snow
So much that it never fails
To hold on

You are beautiful in
every
single
sense
Of the word.

It starts with a small trigger:
A word, an image, an object
That brings your thoughts back to
Them

It knocks the wind out of you
You don't want to remember
Yet at the same time you do

Then the memories invade your brain
Take over your very being
Render you immobile

Everything goes tight
Eyes squeeze shut
Fingers, a vice around the nearest table
Trying not to let this be your undoing

Finally the pain subsides
Passes over you like an ocean wave
Leaving you sapped of energy and full of relief

But the relief quickly turns to dread
Because you can't help but wonder
When this ****** cycle will start again

Numb the pain, take it all away
I've been hurting long enough

No, pile it on and let me drown
I don't deserve numbness

You can do so much better
Why keep a friend like me?

Wait, come back, don't leave me
I'll go insane without you

Memories of you are fading fast
I think it's better off this way

Don't fade! Don't fade!
I don't want to forget!

My thoughts are messy contradictions
All tangled around you

Everything is changing
Hustling, running to the future

I feel as if I am submerged in water
No sounds, no one around me
Frozen

Now I am in a crowded street
People pushing and shoving to eagerly reach their destination
While I remain
Frozen

Everyone around me is constantly moving
And I am standing still

Who are you?
I don't know anymore

Like smoke
You slipped through my fingers
Leaving only your scent on my hands

You say you're my best friend
Yet you hurt me again and again
Burning me, scarring me
Leaving me to question everything

I don't want to throw it all away
But I'm losing hope
I've tried so hard to make it work

I may know your name
But the rest of you is fading away